Military Moms: Sept/Oct 2010

[~Katie~]

Bring on Fall! I know it won't actually be fall-like here until November but I'm definitely ready to say goodbye to the scorching hot weather. What are everyone's plans for labor day weekend?

Speaking of low pressure systems, both of mine were born during rain storms. With #2 I was 4cm for two weeks before finally having a super quick labor. Hopefully nothing too serious with the hurricane, but what a birth story that would be!

[gagin37]

subbing!

not much new to report with us. tired of the miserable, unrelenting heat. still waiting on orders about our PCS away from Pope in the spring. we were told we'd find out between March and August. Now it's September and still no word.

[EdnaMarie]

Oh, gosh Katie.

Just subbing here... DH and I are going through a really rough time, but at least we have a good group of friends.

[MarineWife]

Subbing. You've been very quiet lately, Katie. I've been wondering how you are.

We don't have any plans for the weekend yet. I finally got my new bathing suit that I ordered months ago. Just in time for summer to be over. Anyway, I'm hoping we'll make it to the beach at least one day but will have to see what the weather is like.

I was hoping my dh might come home a day early because of the hurricane but it doesn't look like that will happen. I did hear the howitzers being shot so it was fun to tell the boys that was the sound of Daddy working. 3yo ds said it made him scared.

[MovingMomma]

We're painting the interior of the house this weekend!

[MaerynPearl]

Luckily they are shooting the howitzers on a different part of the base than they had been... so DH hears them at work but I don't hear them as much at our house unless I'm outside and listening for it!

Weather.com says the pressures not falling yet... my body says it is. lol.

That said... I'm not going to get my hopes up. Ive had so much prodromal labor already I'm sick of it!

[MarineWife]

Ugh, Mae! That's got to be frustrating if you get excited thinking you're going to meet your new baby soon and it's just not happening. If it helps, at least you know your body is warming up so she'll be coming relatively soon.

[MarineWife]

Aw, , Katie. I feel your pain. Adjusting to someone being home and back in the family after being separated for so long is very difficult. I think you know about the issues I had with my dh when he first came home. It happens to all of us, not that that makes you feel any better when you are in the middle of it.

I think it's really hard for the deployed spouse because they live for so long without having to take care of anyone but themselves. Yeah, they have to watch their buddies' backs but it's not the same as taking care of a family and children and a home. I don't think there's much that can help except time and being aware of why this is happening and counseling if you can get it.

My 3yo is always trying to escape, too. It's hard for me because my 6yo goes out and plays with his friends and the 3yo wants to go with them but he's not old enough to be out without adult supervision. I can't lock the doors to keep him in because then my 6yo is locked out. I feel bad for my 3yo. I try to get my older ds to play in the backyard so that his little bro can play, too, but his friends don't want to do that.

I still haven't approached my dh's Chaplain yet. I'm just not comfortable with that. I know things won't be passed around but I still don't want anyone at his work to know our personal business. All the Commanders got yelled at recently because only 2 spouses showed up at a Navy/Marine Corps Relief Society class that had been scheduled. I didn't go mainly because my boys had Tae Kwon Do class but I also only heard about it the day of the class. When my dh told me his CO was mad because no one came and was like, "What did he expect?" Does anyone really feel like those programs are helpful? I know some people do use them but I don't feel comfortable using a program that may report our problem to my dh's command.

[gagin37]

awe, *big hugs* Katie. my dh is a constant flow of negativity too. he believes and expects the very worst, and can never just be happy or content. It can be really hard to live with sometimes.

[Soul-O]

Katie: I'm so sorry that things are rough with DH right now. As MW mentioned, the cycle of emotional redeployment is probably to blame. The service person does become accustomed to self-care and having more "free time" (depending on job, FOB etc.) while deployed, so readjusting to home life and wife/kid responsibilities can be tough. Have you considered talking to your unit's MFLC, or contacting Tricare to get a referral for off-post counseling services? It seems like DH should understand why you need him to be home more at night, but perhaps a neutral third party would be able to help you both negotiate your way through this impasse.

MW: I'm not sure if the class you are describing is like the ones the Army offers through ACS (Army Community Services) that deal with redeployment challenges and other marriage or parenting issues. If it is, these classes tend to be fairly poorly attended unless the speaker comes to a regular Family Readiness Group meeting, and children are welcome. I haven't attended any of the classes myself, but my neighbor (who is a new mom) has found them helpful. I prefer to meet with my counselor one-on-one to talk about any concerns I have, in part because I like the confidentiality.

Mae: Here's to hoping that the changes in barometric pressure=cervical changes as well . I'll be thinking of you and waiting for updates!

AFM: Came away from my OB appt today with a back brace for my sciatica and a bottle of iron supplements due to moderate anemia. OB (a very nice guy who happened to provide my care during my last m/c) also gently mentioned that I failed the depression quiz for that visit, and asked if I wanted to see someone about it. When I mentioned that my DH is STILL deployed, he chalked it up to situational difficulties and gave me some reading on prenatal depression in women with a history of pregnancy loss and/or high risk. We'll see if it helps. I feel like we're in a holding pattern for now. The boys will no longer talk to DH on Skype, and my 4 yr old told me that he doesn't want to see daddy anywhere until he's in the house. Thankfully, the older boys return from their dad's house in CA early next week just in time to start the new school year, and we start gymnastics tomorrow. Distractions are good.

[MarineWife]

Originally Posted by gagin37

my dh is a constant flow of negativity too. he believes and expects the very worst, and can never just be happy or content. It can be really hard to live with sometimes.

I wonder if that's a military influence thing. Or maybe it's a reaction to deployment to a combat zone. When my dh and I first met and got married (before he joined the Marines) he was the positive, happy-go-lucky, easy-going one and I was the pessimist. That's one of the things that really attracted me to him. Nothing phased him. Now it's the opposite. He always has a stern, grumpy look on his face. He rarely laughs. When I make jokes he mostly just rolls his eyes. He doesn't seem to pay much attention to any of us unless he's annoyed or angry. He doesn't realize he's changed like that. I've told him many times but he says I'm wrong.

Another option is militaryonesource. They provide free counseling specific to deployment issues, which includes homecomings. That is completely confidential. They are not tied to the military or TC in any way. They can refer you to a counselor in your area or you can do phone consultations and maybe even online/chat type consultations. I think they can also arrange for counseling at night and on weekends.

[MaerynPearl]

I dont know? Maybe its just a personal thing...

my hubbys a combat veteran and is still one of the most positive thinking people I know.

[MarineWife]

Tabitha ~ If I remember correctly, the Navy/Marine Corps Relief Society provides things like emergency loans and food. I believe they also are supposed to notify command if anyone uses there services because there might be serious financial problems going on. Not sure why that would be any business of anyone's command but whatever.

[gagin37]

I think for us, it's mostly a personal thing, that has been really aggravated by being in the military. He can be a really fun, and funny, person, but so much of that is buried by anger and resentment and paranoia, that it takes a lot of effort to bring that back out.

[Soul-O]

Originally Posted by MarineWife

Tabitha ~ If I remember correctly, the Navy/Marine Corps Relief Society provides things like emergency loans and food. I believe they also are supposed to notify command if anyone uses there services because there might be serious financial problems going on. Not sure why that would be any business of anyone's command but whatever.

Ah yes.. ACS (through a program called AER - Army Emergency Relief) provides the emergency loans and financial counseling as well, and command may be notified. I think the reason for command notification is that serious money issues may affect soldier (or marine/sailor/airman) readiness and morale. With MI units, there is the added layer of security clearances. Too much debt and/or bad credit = issues with security clearances. I would like to think that most commanders would be sensitive to these issues and mostly concerned with the soldier's best interests, but who knows..

[ein328]

Good morning!

I haven't checked in for a while- I've been super busy with work, DD, finishing up my masters', constructing this baby....

Anyway, I'm still in a knock-down, drag-out fight over my home birth. My midwife on base submitted my referral for it, the med group commander denied it. I submitted a rebuttal (per procedure), and was denied again, but was told I could apply for an "elective procedure," by which I would be allowed to have a homebirth, but would have to pay out-of-pocket.

THEN I was informed that if I had an "elective procedure," I would be denied maternity leave, because you're not allowed convalescent leave when you have an elective procedure.

This morning, though, I finally got through to patient advocacy, and found the loophole to that regulation. I am still allowed maternity leave, regardless of where I give birth and who pays for it. Anyways, now I'm back to waiting for my "elective procedure" paperwork to be approved, and am scouting out low-cost homebirth midwives and birth centers. I CANNOT afford to pay the standard going rate around here- roughly $5000.

[MarineWife]

Originally Posted by Soul-O

I think the reason for command notification is that serious money issues may affect soldier (or marine/sailor/airman) readiness and morale. With MI units, there is the added layer of security clearances. Too much debt and/or bad credit = issues with security clearances. I would like to think that most commanders would be sensitive to these issues and mostly concerned with the soldier's best interests, but who knows..

Yeah, I know the military's reasoning for having command notified. I just don't know that I agree with it. But since you basically sign your life away when you join the military, it's to be expected, at least for the ADM.

[MaerynPearl]

Awesome! They are letting hubby come home early today!

Now I can make him go out and pick up all the stuff in the yard he didn't pick up before he left that he told me he did LOL

[MarineWife]

Haha, Mae. That's nice that he gets to come home early.

I keep forgetting to ask. Did anyone else get the, "Don't Ask, Don't Tell," survey? I got it, took it and returned it. It was so silly but I guess I can see why a lot of the things asked could be issues within the military community.

[gagin37]

Originally Posted by MaerynPearl

Awesome! They are letting hubby come home early today!

Now I can make him go out and pick up all the stuff in the yard he didn't pick up before he left that he told me he did LOL

hope you all don't get too much bad weather from the storm!