Military Moms: Sept/Oct 2010 - Page 5

[MarineWife]

Mae ~ That's great news!

Rachel ~ I'm curious. Why are you the one who needs counseling? Or are you both going to get counseling, just separately since you are going to be separated?

[chely7425]

Originally Posted by MarineWife

Rachel ~ I'm curious. Why are you the one who needs counseling? Or are you both going to get counseling, just separately since you are going to be separated?

Well, with him deploying we can't go to counseling together... though when he gets back I think we need to provided he decides to pull his head out of his butt. But there are also a lot of issues that are MY issues that are affecting our relationship... things thatI know I need to work on regardless. Plus, I think counseling will help me work through everything that is going on.

[MommaKitten21]

So we made it safely to Ft. Sill... of course, it was quite the adventure, but honestly went much smoother then I thought it would.

I have my military id... I remember how annoying it was when DH was in before, and we were dating. Trying to get me on base was always a PITA since we weren't married! Glad we are now! ha.

Rachel- I hope things work out for you!! Counseling can be sooo helpful, even if it is just you going right now. It takes a special person to admit they have issues to work on and not always blaming their spouse... I am sure it will all work out in the end!!

Mae- that's great the kids took everything so well. Sounds like you guys had a great family day at the memorial. My brother and his fiance took off to the plane crash site in PA to visit. They said it was flooded with people all throuhgout the day.

[chely7425]

Glad you made it ok Kourt!

And thanks for the encouragement I am hoping that by me taking steps to work on MY issues he will see that I am seriously trying to change things... ya know?

[MarineWife]

Originally Posted by chely7425

Well, with him deploying we can't go to counseling together... though when he gets back I think we need to provided he decides to pull his head out of his butt. But there are also a lot of issues that are MY issues that are affecting our relationship... things thatI know I need to work on regardless. Plus, I think counseling will help me work through everything that is going on.

Ok, I just didn't want you to be the one being blamed for everything. I go to counseling on my own because I have my own issues. Individual counseling is definitely helpful regardless of what the other partner does. My dh came a handful of times when he could. It was difficult because he was gone so much. However, I got fed up with his excuses when he was home that he couldn't get away from work. I think it's a bunch of BS that over the course of several weeks he never had 2 minutes to make a phone call. If needed, he could have excused himself to the bathroom and sneaked off somewhere.

In order to try to get him to understand how serious the situation is, I told him last week that if he didn't call the counseling center on base to arrange for marriage counseling for us, I was leaving. I needed him to show me that our marriage and family is at least as important to him as his career advancement. Amazingly, after that he didn't seem to have any trouble finding the time to make that call. He's supposed to go to the counseling center today to make that appointment.

Kourtney ~ Glad you made it and the trip wasn't bad. Have you been to Ft. Sill before? That's where my dh was from January-July this year. We also lived there for 2 or 3 months while he was doing his artillery MOS training.

[Alohamelly]

Originally Posted by chely7425

I know I need to come see you guys more I am hoping to come to the diaper part Wednesday but I need to see if my mom can watch the kids since its bedtime and all...

I don't know what is going on again. He is back to being not sure what he wants, apparently I expect too much of him because I want him to call us more than once or twice a week. Whatever, if he wants to be left alone I will leave him alone. I just hope he realizes what he is going to lose before he actually loses it.

I am so glad you're coming!

Hopefully your husband comes around. This is his first deployment, right? I can't remember. Maybe he is really worried about going over. Think he could be pushing you away due to being scared? I've heard of that happening.

[chely7425]

Originally Posted by Alohamelly

I am so glad you're coming!

Hopefully your husband comes around. This is his first deployment, right? I can't remember. Maybe he is really worried about going over. Think he could be pushing you away due to being scared? I've heard of that happening.

I'm glad I'm coming too! This is his first "real" deployment.. the last one he was only gone for 2.5 months and was in the S3 shop the whole time. I hope that is the main cause of this... that seems to be the general opinion of most of my friends husbands who are also military. He knows that I love him and want to be with him and that I'm not going anywhere so hopefully he comes around.

[MarineWife]

My dh becomes very detached when he's getting ready for a deployment. I think it's something that they have to do mentally so that they can leave without losing it. I know that I could not leave my family/children to go somewhere that I might die and never see them again. I'd go AWOL first. But, then, that's why I'm not the ADM. I think I do it, too, to a certain extent. I don't usually have an emotional reaction to dh leaving until about 3 days after he's gone. Denial or detachment or something happens to me in the beginning.

[~Adorkable~]

Daddies maternity leave?

Can you ladies help point me to maternity leave info for my Army DH for when our babies come? How much time does he get off? Does the FMLA apply to military? Someone mentioned to us a few days ago he will get only 10 days total, not even 10 work days, this sounds crazy? I know he can take extra leave as well, but I just want to make sure we get every once ofctime we deserve.

[MarineWife]

10 days is all my dh got with both of our boys.

[MaerynPearl]

Its all my DH is getting.

Luckily they changed it sometime in the last few years that it does not count against the leave he already has built up though... so by Christmas we may be able to get back home! If they charged him the 10 days... we would have no hope of that... since he had to take 17 days for our wedding and move (DH says more than 14 is nearly unheard of but luckily they approved it since it was for both wedding and moving cross country)

[MarineWife]

Do you guys know anything about the new Military & Family Life Consultant Program? It was given to my dh as one of our options for marriage counseling but I don't know about it. I don't need, nor do I want, a life consultant. The pamphlet says it provides short-term, situational counseling. The other option is the marriage/family counseling offered at the counseling center on the base. That seems more like what we need but I don't really know. How do you tell if problems are short-term and situational vs. something more?

[MarineWife]

All right, Mae, time to start those squats and jumping jacks.

[MaerynPearl]

Originally Posted by MarineWife

How do you tell if problems are short-term and situational vs. something more?

uh... try the short term and if it brings up that its something more then its not short term? ... I have NO clue but that is what I would do... just in case its due to the whole being separated for so long...

[Soul-O]

MW - The main attraction of the MFLC program is that it is completely "off the books" - no record of your visits is kept. I would try it out as Mae suggests - could be that your issues are worked out with short term counseling, or it could be that you will need something more intensive. Either way, good luck with this, and kudos to both of you for taking action.

ETA - DH came home last night. He's already made breakfast and coffee, and is currently fashioning a marble maze for the two little guys. Life is good .

[justKate]

Hi everybody. Following along but not much to say here.

Yesterday we got the list of billets/assignments that will be open for Huz to make his dream sheet. Not sure if this is the proper terminology, but given the program he's in, there are like 14 jobs, one of which he'll end up in. About half of them will be filled in jan/feb and the other half will be filled in may (when Huz will be assigned). The choices SUCK. Ugh.

Enough of that!

Mae, happy, speedy birthing vibes coming your way!

[EdnaMarie]

It was given to my dh as one of our options for marriage counseling but I don't know about it. I don't need, nor do I want, a life consultant. The pamphlet says it provides short-term, situational counseling. The other option is the marriage/family counseling offered at the counseling center on the base. That seems more like what we need but I don't really know. How do you tell if problems are short-term and situational vs. something more?

They aren't life consultants in that way. THey are basically family counselors.

They are a temporary solution, but I think they are a great START especially because they don't even take your names. So your DH can go in with 100% confidence that this will not show up ANYWHERE. He doesn't have to take his ID with him into the room if he doesn't want. You know? For me, because of my relationship with DH, and because I don't want squabbles or divorce to show up on my medical record as "mental health problems" (even if I do have them... nobody's business LOL!), it was my first choice.

And it's just so great to talk to someone.

So I highly recommend it. Plus they rotate so that they don't get to know anyone too well. I luuuurve that. I think it's a great program.

They can then tell you, as professionals, if you need something more and you can decide what to do, without your DH worrying about having that on his medical record.

[MarineWife]

I don't think my dh is worried about anything being on his medical record. He hasn't said anything about that but I will ask him. I'm the one who's more worried about people in his unit knowing about our problems but that's because (contrary to how it seems on here ) I'm a very private person not because I'm worried about it going on anyone's permanent record.

I don't think going to the counseling center automatically goes on anyone's medical record, does it? They just keep general records and maybe report to command if they think there is a serious problem. If having things go on anyone's permanent record is that much of an issue, we can always go to a civilian provider with me as the primary patient. TC Standard does not disclose my medical records to anyone in the military. I would much prefer seeing someone we could establish a relationship with rather than seeing random people here and there.

[Maine Mama Doula]

Lurking, subbing, thinking of joining the Navy...

[MarineWife]

Nina. I'm running into you everywhere on here.

For those who may be interested, I called the counseling services office here and was told that both they and the MFLC offer the same types of counseling services. The only difference is that, like has been said, the MFLC is short-term and they do not keep any records. The turn-around for counselors is every 45 days. That means you'd see a new person every 45 days and have to start all over. I guess they assume no one would use that program that long.

While the counseling center keeps records it's for their own puposes. They do not report anything to anyone or give their records to anyone. Those records do not go into anyone's medical or personnel file. They are, like anyone else, mandatory reporters of abuse or homicidal/suicidal risks.

On another note, I really don't understand why the military operates the way it does. I do understand why various people need to keep track of certain aspects of the ADMs personal lives as they pertain to their jobs. But, I really don't understand why they are expected to get involved with really personal issues that have nothing to do with anyone's service, especially when it's nothing but accusation and innuendo. It's all very strange to me.