Anybody else wish DH could leave work at work?

[Harmony08]

I know it isn't exactly fair and I don't really understand what it is like for him. I know it is hard to have a job and deadlines and a boss. I am sympathetic. My DH is not the best at managing stress. He becomes withdrawn and kinda sullen when he is stressed out about work. This would be manageable if he wasn't stressed ALL the time. I don't even know any more if it is actually the work or if it is just him. Even when he had a break he was "so stressed out" about the errands and bills he had to do. I try to take on what I can to help him out.

Anyway, I just wish he could get to out front door, take a deep breath, and think "Now, I'm with my precious family where I truly belong." It seems like most of the time he comes home stressed and snappy. I light candles, turn on music, have dinner ready, clean up the toys, trying to make it an oasis for him but he will barely make eye contact during dinner.

What else can I do?

[tangledblue]

Wow, candles, music, dinner, cleaned-up toys? Lucky guy! My poor dh gets home and I start ranting about how DD didn't take a nap that day.

I do think that breadwinners feel a lot of pressure, especially in an economy with 9% unemployment. That said, it sounds like you are doing everything you can. He may need to examine/readjust his attitude, because at some level it is just a job and other things are more important. I'm not sure if there's a tactful way to get him to do that though. People need to realize these things on their own.

[Birdie B.]

I'm right there with you! My husband is at a hard place in his career right now, and the pressure and stress is enormous, especially since he's the sole earner right now. We are working through it, very slowly, but like the PP said, it has to come from him. There's little I can actually do, aside from encourage him to talk through things with me. He lets off steam about issues at work, and we brainstorm ideas to improve the situation. A lot of times he shuts down and gets cranky, but I call him on it when he's acting really childish. I give him as much support and commiseration as I can, but I also try (gently!) to push him to take responsibility for his feelings and try not to let things get to him so much, because it makes the rest of us miserable.

I don't have much advice for you, because like I said, we're in the thick of it right now. I'm finding it difficult to find a delicate balance between supporting my husband but not "coddling" him, does that make sense? I can't let him ruin the evening by being cranky about something that has nothing to do with me or our daughter - life is too short for that! So I listen, commiserate, try not to overwhelm him with household duties, and then encourage him to figure things out. Because it has to come from him, in the end. Sorry you're going through this too!!

[lolar2]

Do you think your dh could benefit from therapy for depression or anxiety?

[ellemenope]

Originally Posted by tangledblue

Wow, candles, music, dinner, cleaned-up toys? Lucky guy! My poor dh gets home and I start ranting about how DD didn't take a nap that day.

I have to quote this because I was thinking the EXACT same thing.



My DH is way stressed out right now. He is working sometimes 16 hour days, and when he gets home I wil catch him not listening to me, and he will say, "sorry, I am thinking about something at work."

For us, he just got selected for a promotion that means a cross country move and a lot less stress. It will not be as exciting for the guy, but we are entering a new phase a life. A focus on the family. that is what I tell him.

[Harmony08]

Originally Posted by tangledblue

Wow, candles, music, dinner, cleaned-up toys? Lucky guy! My poor dh gets home and I start ranting about how DD didn't take a nap that day.

I do think that breadwinners feel a lot of pressure, especially in an economy with 9% unemployment. That said, it sounds like you are doing everything you can. He may need to examine/readjust his attitude, because at some level it is just a job and other things are more important. I'm not sure if there's a tactful way to get him to do that though. People need to realize these things on their own.

Haha, well maybe it is not all of that everyday but I wanted to make the point that I am really trying here.

[Harmony08]

Originally Posted by lolar2

Do you think your dh could benefit from therapy for depression or anxiety?

I've wondered this before and he and I have talked about it. I really don't think that that is the issue. I do think therapy would still be a good thing for figuring out why he is so hard on himself and other things like that.

[EzzysMom]

I would try to get some alone time and tell him what you're noticing. "You seem stressed all the time and unhappy. whats wrong?" See if you can get him to open up some, maybe there is some stress he's trying to 'protect' you from or maybe he just feels he shouldn't burden you with it. Nothing like trying to get some talking without blaming or 'you shoulds' to get it to start changing, perhaps he hasn't even realized he's been like that or that you've noticed.

[theatermom]

It really does sound like he's on the brink of depression here. Have you two talked lately about your goals? Like why he's working, and what you want to accomplish and so forth? Because I know that there's a big difference between just working, alone, and working towards something, together. Does he like what he does?

[mamazee]

Originally Posted by tangledblue

Wow, candles, music, dinner, cleaned-up toys? Lucky guy! My poor dh gets home and I start ranting about how DD didn't take a nap that day.

I do think that breadwinners feel a lot of pressure, especially in an economy with 9% unemployment. That said, it sounds like you are doing everything you can. He may need to examine/readjust his attitude, because at some level it is just a job and other things are more important. I'm not sure if there's a tactful way to get him to do that though. People need to realize these things on their own.

I was thinking the same thing! I generally do have toys cleaned up and dinner made, but wow.

I also wonder if the stress of his job and the economy and his responsibility is getting to him, to the point of depression or something. It can be really hard on breadwinners, that stress. Is there a gentle way to discuss that possibility?

[OkiMom]

Sometimes I do.. My hubby gets phone calls at least once a night every night.. including Saturday and Sundays, hes days "off". Most of his conversations revolve around work becuase he likes to bounce things off of me (I use to work in the same field so I sometimes have a different solution he didn't think of). Honestly Id love it if for once he comes home and talked to his oldest DD about her day or what she learned instead of ignoring her. I don't think hes use to having a child that will talk back to him (she has a bit of a language delay and really just within the last 8 months started to get more comfortable talking to people other than me)

[greenmulberry]

That's too bad. I too work a very stressful job, and I think the only way to handle it is to leave work at work!!!!

No matter what terrible things happened, or what deadlines there are, when I get home, I have to leave it all behind. It would destroy me otherwise!

DH (he stays home) occasionally asks me how work went, but he has learned I hate that question. I try to respond neutrally, but sometimes I have to say, "I don't want to talk about it because I don't want to THINK about work now."

I used to think checking my emails from home and doing work online was helpful and would let me keep ahead, but it really doesn't, more work piles into place. I do occasionally follow up on something at home if it is an actual life or death issue (which rarely, it can be) but otherwise, keeping work at work is the only sane thing to do.

[carmel23]

I would let him do whatever he wants. Work stress is *horrible.*

Honestly, it is really hard to be the breadwinner, and have all of that stress on you constantly.

Maybe he needs some space to think about it and maybe look for another job?

[1pomegranate 1jar]

Well, the short answer is that I don't think anyone should leave their work at work. My husband works from home, and shares all that is going on, both good and stressful, with me. And I share my work (kids!) both good and stressful, with him.

I think we're healthy, because we depend on each other. We're best friends. I would be horrified if he kept things that were bothering him from me. So, that is my philosophical response. Do you like it?

However, when my husband is stressed, he can be very hard to be around. Very negative. Snaps at our oldest boy a lot. And I can feel his vibes a mile away, so living in a small space is just too much! After he has gotten it off his chest, it isn't fair to him or us, to to sit there and stew in it.

So, I just tell him about it: i.e. "I know you're stressed baby, it sucks. But it's going to work out, as it always does. Your negativity is really upsetting the kids, and you're killing what is supposed to be the silver lining of your day. When we're old, we are not going to give a damn about this client or that bill. We're going to care if our kids want to come see us for the holidays!"

We need to find solutions as partners, and a family, and nobody wants to put heads together with mister negative pants.

It works. He's embarrassed. But luckily for us, his ego can handle it.

Also, pointing out what his negativity is going to do to his rapidly maturing sons, and his daughters' view of "normal" male behavior, really helps his perspective.

[CrystalCloud]

Originally Posted by Harmony08

I light candles, turn on music, have dinner ready, clean up the toys, trying to make it an oasis for him but he will barely make eye contact during dinner.

What else can I do?

Marry me! JK

No advice her but you truly are a good woman.

[omamasmama]

I hear you mama. 

I love my hubby but I have to jump in and give little reality check that there are others in the family that had their own ups, downs, stresses, and awesome moments of the day, even though they aren't the same as his, they are just as valid.

There are times he comes home and just goes right into all of the stress of his day and I just say, 'my day was great, thanks for asking.' or something like that. Usually he gets it and then shifts gears. 

There are other times I tell him, 'wow, it sounds like there's a lot that happened today. maybe we can talk about it after DD goes to bed because she would love to just hang with you and she doesn't understand what your day was like"  

And there are times when none of that works and he's still stressed. I just put on some music and keep doing my thing. That's because I know we are all under stress at times, and I can't let his stress turn into mine. (easier said than done sometimes) 

hope that helps.

[LambQueen]

So , despite having a medical degree and 6 years of post-graduate training, DH still has to work a moonlighting job to help us make ends meet.  He is also trying to start a company so essentially he works 3 jobs.  Most nights he is doing research at home. He will take short breaks to do dishes and trust me he thinks he is Mr. Helpful, like a really involved husband.  He helps put kids to sleep and brush teeth, but he will do things piecemeal and never really focus on just getting the kitchen clean by 9pm.  This frustrates me beyond words.  He is usually doing work at night and he does have off on Saturdays but we never really have a family day.  I am very adventurous so I go everywhere with my children but Dh is usually working and distracted .

it is really frustrating and I am glad to see there is a thread for this feeling.