Stories that touch my heart, all of you, thank you for sharing. I can so relate. It's such a shaky ground to be on. And Mi_Amor, I am so sorry to read that this is happening while you're pregnant. I can especially relate to that. I believe the pregnancy and birth will help you process this better than you could on your own. That was my experience. i don't know how to explain it, but even though "the sh** hit the fan" for my family during the last pregnancy, I felt especially empowered to handle it, as a pregnant woman.
I'm at a scary place now, spiritually. Grew up Charismatic/Pentecostal Christian, which is one branch of Evangelicalism. I am so happy I grew up in the way I did. I had a very happy childhood, I was very spiritual, zealous for God, everything was just wonderful, spiritually. Things were solid, as far as having answers, and yet there was also a wonderful feeling of mysticism, since Pentecostals/Charismatics place emphasis on the mystical spiritual gifts and are open to rapturous experiences.
One aspect of Charismatic teaching is that you should actively seek to hear God's voice every day to guide you. Depending on the congregation, level of maturity, and level of Pentecostalism vs. more mainline Evangelicalism, they can place some emphasis on getting signs from God (I now see this can be kind of like looking for omens in a superstitious mindset). So 4 years ago when I met my now-husband, I began to look for some kind of sign from God about whether he was the right man for me. I thought I got my "sign," even though I didn't love him, and he didn't love me. Long story short, we had only dated 3 months when we found out we were pregnant. That's when my whole world began to shake, and everything I thought I knew suddenly seemed so fragile and strange. Our pastor's counsel was to get married, to provide a secure life for the child, rather than being raised by single parents. I was still in my idealism, and I thought that since we were both spirit-filled Christians, we could work out any problems or issues between us that might come up in the marriage.
Predictably (to probably everyone but me), our relationship has been horrible. It has completely shaken my whole concept of God. I feel betrayed that God would lead me into such a terrible state of suffering, when all I was doing was trying to obey him. Sure, it was a sin to have sex before marriage; that was a big mistake, but I repented of it as soon as it happened. And how many people do that all the time and don't have any consequences? We only had sex once before marriage, and we got pregnant.
So this has led to a period of intense questioning of everything I believe. I feel I have become stronger in so many ways, though there are so many issues to be ironed out. I have become much more liberal, but I think it's just because I've seen through some of the inconsistencies in logic in some conservative thinking. Like drinking alcohol, wow, I can't believe I ever thought that was a sin! And I'm not bothered at all by a woman pastor anymore. Being a breastfeeding mom has really torn away lots of my prudishness, what freedom that is! The latest development has been an interest in astrology. Not sure what I think about it, and I'm kind of scared to dig into it, but I think that there's something to the idea that the stars not only provide an amazing message of God's truth, but they somehow influence our lives as well. I dunno, but I'm going to talk with someone who claims to be a Christian astrologer soon, and see if he can put some of this together for me.
Other issues, I'm content to leave as mysteries, since I think there's no way human minds could possibly ever understand them, such as the issue of predestination vs. free will. I think both can be "proven," and God is big enough that both can be true at the same time. I'm not a complete relativist; I do still believe in absolutes, but I also believe there are so many paradoxes in the universe. An example from science is the paradox of light-- is it particles, or is it waves? Both can be proven, so light is both, even though that doesn't seem logical.
And I have decided to leave my husband. This is recent, and I don't have the money or resources to do it, and it's stupid timing, since I gave birth to our second child only a month ago. But I have made the decision, which is the first step. This is a very non-Christian decision to make, and it makes me scared and sad that I have come to this point. I don't really recognize myself! But the way I'm thinking of it (today!) is that it's impossible to move forward without being in sin. Sin is just falling short of God's perfection. If I get a divorce, I'm sinning, since God's perfection is for marriage to reflect his love of Christ/The Church. But if I stay in this relationship, I'm sinning, because I'm unable to live in freedom and follow the purpose for which I was created. I know that most people around me can't understand that, and I don't even understand it. I just know that I don't want this anymore, and I'm not going to be passive and let it keep happening to me.
Anyway, long post, I'm sorry. I'm feeling very confused but somehow stronger too. I'm clinging to the fact that God loves me, and has a loving purpose for my life, and if I keep pressing on, I will find a place of peace again someday.
That's my story.