I'll join in.
I've been coming back to check on this thread for the last few days now.
I was raised without religion. I became a Christian at an assemblies of god youth convention when I was 18. (I'm 27 now) Looking back, it was a huge emotional thing, and I didn't totally realize that by going up for an altar call meant that I was now "saved." I didn't know it was as big of a deal as the youth pastor made it out to be, after the fact...but I went with it. Plus I liked the social aspect and new closeness with my 2 best friends (who were also Christians). Believing in God and accepting Jesus really added a lot peace, guidance, hope, and community to my life. It was a good thing.
Over the last 9 years my faith of grown with me, becoming more liberal and more drawn to social justice issues and less to the idea of evangelizing. I felt at home in a Friends church most recently.
However DH, dropped a bomb on me a few weeks ago when he told me that he has been Agnostic for the last 6 months or so. It felt very strange...like I didn't know him anymore. I even cried a lot. Just because it felt so confusing and earth shattering to me. I wondered how we were going to raise our kids now? What will we do for holidays? To give some perspective, we met at bible college. So, I've started questioning things and now I'm entirely confused. My first thought when I started to question was something like "get away from me satan," then it progressed to "I'm so terrified...what if Christianity is not true?" At this point, I'm sort of open to anything, but just completely lost. I suppose it's good because it's really causing to me question who I am, but it feels scary and confusing. I have a loss of inner peace and a constant feeling of searching. When I try to pray at night before bed, it feels like I'm talking to thick brick wall, instead of an open window. ...and being in this place is lonely. Dh asked me to not tell our friends and family about his beliefs, because they are all Christians and would likely have a strong reaction. ...which they would...and I totally understand and respect his request. There's no one I know that I would feel comfortable talking about my current state of spirituality with, without feeling judged, and facing a big reaction, either. I also worry about losing friends or at least a closeness with them, if I decided not to be a Christian. I know real friends will always stick with you, and I know that's true, but I also know they'll feel different about me, at least for a little while. Does anyone have those fears? I mean, I met pretty much all of my friends in Christian related settings. (church, christian college, christian club on secular campus, and a home church I was a part of)
I'm also afraid that if I drastically decide to change my religious beliefs that it will look like "oh, her husband stopped believing in God, so she copied him. She's so weak."
Also, I keep asking myself, "well, what is the point/purpose/meaning of life now?" (...if it's not being Jesus to the world)
I want to start reading and doing some research to help figure out what I believe, but I just have no clue where to start and I just feel like anything I read is just another persons opinion.
Man...this a lonely road. I am thankful for this thread though.
Edited by GuavaGirl - 12/7/10 at 4:04pm