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Not a good update :(

post #1 of 57
Thread Starter 
I went in for an appt today because I was still cramping and had a backache and they couldn't find the HB via Doppler. I was 15 weeks along and we heard the HB just fine at 12 weeks. I was sent for an ultrasound and again there was no heartbeat detected. No heartbeat. We are totally devastated. I can't believe this is happening. I am scheduled for a D+C tomorrow but I started bleeding on the way home and passed a small, about 4.5 inch long completely intact baby boy about an hour and a half later. Eyes, nose, mouth, tiny hands, feet, fingers and toes all visible. Amazing and perfect and beautiful. I just can't believe it. We placed him in a little box and will bury him underneath a tree in my parents' yard. We named him Landen. I'm glad I got to hold him in my hands even if it was in the worst of circumstances. With a D+C I wouldn't have gotten the chance to see him.

It's amazing how much love, and then grief, we feel for such a little tiny person who we never got a chance to know. I feel so numb. My boyfriend is faring worse than me, he is a mess. We thought we were in the "safe" zone, especially at 15 weeks. I never thought this would happen to me..
post #2 of 57

post #3 of 57
so sorry
post #4 of 57
Oh Erika, my heart just broke. I am so sorry for the loss of your precious son. Holding you and your family in my thoughts tonight.

- Sarah
post #5 of 57
i'm so sorry erika. i'm sending love and support. i'm so glad you got to hold Landen and be with him...it is amazing how much we can love our little ones, even if they only are with us for a little while.

big hugs. much love. to you, Landen and all your family.
post #6 of 57
So, so sorry mama
post #7 of 57
Oh no! I am so sorry to hear that! Take care of yourself
RIP Landen
post #8 of 57
sending love your way.

RIP Landen
post #9 of 57
Oh, I'm so sorry for the loss of your beautiful Landen.
post #10 of 57
Love and hugs! Thinking of you and your family during this tough time!
post #11 of 57
My heart is breaking for you and your family. I'm so sorry for your loss.
post #12 of 57
There are no words to express how sorry I am.
post #13 of 57
Thread Starter 
Thank you all, it means a lot I am alternating between feeling ok, numb, anger, and complete sadness. My boyfriend asked if I wanted to get dinner and I screamed at him that no, I just wanted my baby back. I know it will get better with time, but right now I just want him back inside my belly with a strong heartbeat like we heard 3 weeks ago..

I had a m/c several years ago at barely 4 weeks and this feels a hundred million times worse. He looked perfect on the 12 week ultrasound, I just don't understand why this happened.
post #14 of 57
I'm so sorry Love to your family and sweet little Landon.
post #15 of 57
DDCC - I'm so sorry mama. I have no words!
post #16 of 57
Im so sorry.. Take it easy
post #17 of 57
I am SO sorry for your loss.
post #18 of 57
I am so sorry for your loss, I'm glad you got a chance to hold him in your hands though.
post #19 of 57
So sorry for the loss of your sweet little boy.
post #20 of 57
I know those feelings all too well. We lost our first baby at 12.5 weeks and we had had TWO ultrasounds where everything looked perfect. The second u/s was at 12 weeks! So literally a few days later I lost the baby It is so hard because like you said you feel all those feelings at once and your brain just cannot wrap around the "why"

I'm thinking of you guys and wishing you healing and love.
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