Power struggle with daycare girl.

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And, I'm winning.

But, I'd really like to re-group and figure something else out. Today, I'd had enough, and just decided to try tough love. (or my version of it)

Here are my issues right now.

She (3 years old) absolutely REFUSES to clean anything up. She's extremely rude about it. She will shove her plate at the child across from her and say "YOU throw it away!"

She's pushing the toddler, or she takes his toys and then yells "But, I want it".

She's very strong willed and stubborn. She's having a new competitive streak. She's always worried about who's first, or last. (oddly her parents are both professional athletes.)

I don't want to break the stubborn streak or her competitiveness. But, I want her to be more respectful, and just enjoy the fun. She's got to stop trying to destroy all the fun.

Today, when she refused to clean up her toys, I didn't let her paint at art time. (I gave her several chances) When she threw her cup (wasn't going to put it away) I let someone else put it in the sink, and she didn't get it back. So, in those ways, I'm winning. But, it's not actually accomplishing what I want. I want her to WANT to be nice to the toddler. I want her to be a part of the group, instead of the one who's always trying to divide the group.

So, help me rethink this. It's not making anybody happy.

[rainbringer]

Dd is a very oppositional kid. What I've found is that she is drawn to intensity. Positive or negative, she just likes an intense reaction. She loved it when the preschool teacher or her therapist would try to get her to clean up because the interaction would get more intense as she refused. At home what I would do is just pick up her cup, reminding her "hey dd cups go in the sink" (as if she has no idea that is where they go). Often she would do it the next time. It also might work to say "I don't like it when you don't help with clean up" and then move on. Every child is different, but based on our experience, I would not recommend removing privileges, timeout, etc, they just made the problem worse.

Try to focus on anything she is doing that is positive - put as much emotional energy into it as you can without seeming sarcastic. If you have time, make a little list of cooperative and helpful things she did that day that she can get excited about showing her parents. This helps shift intensity onto positive things.

[leilamom]

How old is this child? That would really impact what I would suggest doing. If she's older (4-5 years), I would use some gentle consequences giving as little attention to the behavior as possible. For example, if she won't clean up after painting, you can tell her, "That's too bad that you don't want to clean up. When we paint again (and I would do it soon, like later that day) you won't be able to paint because to be able to do that you need to pick up XYZ." When painting time rolls around and she wants to do it, you can say, "The last time we painted you didn't want to clean up. Part of painting is cleaning up at the end, so you can play with XYZ while we paint. Next time we paint you can have a chance." I would be very consistent with these things, and really try not to set her up to fail (that might mean really limiting choices for toys for a little while until she gets this concept). Also, you may want to change your daily schedule so that she has enough time to develop a full play theme, maybe she isn't done playing with whatever she was doing.

Give her lots of positives anytime you see anything positive and label it very specifically, even really tiny things. Maybe plan some games that you and her can play together that she can get that competitive streak out in a positive and constructive way.

You are right, being competitive and stubborn are good things, and are actually qualities I value in children and would in no way want to take that out of them, however there are rules that everyone has to follow when in a group setting together (cleaning up and being nice to each other are two of them.)

[Mizelenius]

Originally Posted by rainbringer

It also might work to say "I don't like it when you don't help with clean up" and then move on. Every child is different, but based on our experience, I would not recommend removing privileges, timeout, etc, they just made the problem worse.

Try to focus on anything she is doing that is positive - put as much emotional energy into it as you can without seeming sarcastic. If you have time, make a little list of cooperative and helpful things she did that day that she can get excited about showing her parents. This helps shift intensity onto positive things.

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Originally Posted by leilamom

How old is this child?

Yes. I can't believe I didn't say that.

She is three. In fact on the very day she turned three (three weeks ago) Her attitude changed. About 20 years ago, there was an episode of Dinosaurs on, where baby dinosaur turns 2 after he blows out his candles, he is suddenly possessed with "terrible twos". Furniture starts levitating, dark clouds hang over his house, lights turn on and off... he screams non stop, never eats, never smiles... LOL.

That's how this happened. She turned three and was possessed by "the threes".

She also went on a two week vacation to visit grandma, crossed several time zones, got used to sleeping in bed with mom and dad, and stopped napping. Which is probably really what's wrong here. I suspect she's just really tired and never really got back into our time zone.

[mamaofthree]

is something stressful happening to her at home? maybe her parents are really competitive also? is she an only child... maybe if she is her parents do alot for her and so she just doesn't get helping out?
i don't think any of my kids at three willingly helped. i try to maker it fun, but usually i just let it go and they do start helping out later. are there anythings she likes helping with? like getting lunch ready or something like that? maybe focusing on that as her helping?
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Originally Posted by mamaofthree

is something stressful happening to her at home? maybe her parents are really competitive also? is she an only child... maybe if she is her parents do alot for her and so she just doesn't get helping out?
i don't think any of my kids at three willingly helped. i try to maker it fun, but usually i just let it go and they do start helping out later. are there anythings she likes helping with? like getting lunch ready or something like that? maybe focusing on that as her helping?
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Both her parents are competitive. I think this is almost a requirement in her family. LOL. They are a very athletic family. So, the competitiveness is great, as long as she isn't mowing everybody else down in the process.

There really hasn't been any new stress, other than the trip to another country, and back. She did have a meltdown on the plane about a year ago, and she and her mom were thrown off the plane in Seattle, so I know they were really concerned about how she would act on these recent flights. Apparently, there was lots of bribery and plane changes to manage this trip. (hey, that works for me)

Today went better. I decided not to get into a power struggle, and I used lots of small rewards to keep her mind busy. "You can paint first", "you can set the table", "You can fill the cups" that kind of stuff, and it seemed to work. (today)

[Lilygoose]

What about channeling her competitiveness into cleaning up? Who can pick up the most blocks the fastest? Who can wipe the table the cleanest? Who can offer to help the most times? Making a challenging game of it? If it would be too intense for any of the other children you could make it between you and her. Soem special game just you two play?

[The4OfUs]

Originally Posted by Lilygoose

What about channeling her competitiveness into cleaning up? Who can pick up the most blocks the fastest? Who can wipe the table the cleanest? Who can offer to help the most times? Making a challenging game of it? If it would be too intense for any of the other children you could make it between you and her. Soem special game just you two play?

Ooh yes, especially with the cleaning up. "I bet you can't get all the red blocks in before I get the blue ones!" "Let's see who can put the crayons away faster!"