Can you discipline a 2yo?

[kkhan]

My son (almost 2 1/2) is adjusting great for having a month old new little sister but he repeats the same destructive behavior day after day. Mainly he will throw things (any thing from balls to clothes to cookware) at the dog, cat, and baby (tries anyway). He was doing this with the dog and cat before the baby arrived. He rarely throws things at me or DH but does do it sometimes. We have tried taking things away with a warning first, "If you hit the doggy again I'm going to have to take that away..." and he cluthes whatever it is and says, "No way!" so I feel like he understands me. I also tried to give him an environment where he could hit and throw things. We have also resorted to time outs but overall I feel like he is just so little and can't tell me what he needs. We've also been very good about me spending one on one time with him (though surely not like being any only child like he was before this little baby came) and he still gets to nurse. I really feel like he knows what I need him to stop doing but the next day it's like I've never said anything to him about it! Wise older parents is this typical 2 yo behavior? Any suggestions? Ways he can understand? It didn't seem so urgent before but now he's trying to hit his little sister like she's a new pet.

[bodhitree]

I don't qualify as a "wise older parent" since my DD is younger than your DS, but it's my understanding that they don't develop impulse control until they get a bit older. So yeah, you can tell him and tell him, but he next time he has the impulse to throw something, he still is probably not going to be able to control it.

Are there any particular situations, circumstances, times of day, whatever where he tends to throw things more often? I guess I'd be looking for clues as to why he is doing this and also whether you can anticipate when he's likely to do it and preemptively get him involved with something else. I have no idea if that would work, but it's what I would try.

[Multimomma]

I'd say yes. My older children have learned by two...and my 18 month old is pretty attentive when we redirect him and remind him no throwing. It is something you have to say over and over...they won't remember a LONG amount of time, but not working on it makes it harder when they're older.

You know, giving him a safe place to hit/throw can really backfire with younger children because (while they can learn to NOT do so) making the differentiation between safe places and not safe places is really hard.

Hitting the baby would be an absolute not allowed. I'd step in when the interaction starts, remind him soft soft hands, and then maybe use your hand to show him.

Good luck mama...it takes a lot of work, this GD!

[ssh]

The behavior is completely normal for this age. Hitting and biting when feeling stressed is also normal 2 year old behavior, so is throwing tantrums. 2 year olds really don't have impulse control. Impulse control is a higher brain function and some 3 year olds are still very impulsive. Telling a preschooler what they can do is also more effective than saying "no" or "don't". We used redirection and substitution at that age and still have a 'only throw soft things in the house' rule. They make foam balls and blocks. So just say "that's dangerous, here you can throw this (small very soft ball)". Constantly reminding little ones to use gentle hands or soft touch does work, and you do have to say it over and over. Using the word "dangerous" and the phrase "some one could get hurt" helped our DD know we wouldn't let her do whatever the activity was, even if it meant we physically stopped her every single time she tried. And before they have impulse control sometimes you have to do just that, when redirection and substitution doesn't work.

Time-ins can be a good tool at this age. You can say "you're not playing safe, I'm going to put you in the backpack on mommies back for awhile to keep every one safe.". Just sitting with you can be a good time in option too. I don't think time outs work in the long run and we don't believe in using punishment anyway. It sort of contradicts our family rule of treating each other kindly and respectfully. Now that our DD is almost 5 it's come in handy when I've told her that she can't hurt peoples feelings just because she feels angry or annoyed.

[Mizelenius]

(1) Consequences will not work with a child who does not ask "why" questions. I am guessing your 2 y.o. does not.

(2) Prevention and redirection are really your only tools right now. This does not mean that you will be able to prevent or redirect him all the time. The most important thing is your response. This is what you can control. Model patience and kindness, with a focus on what he SHOULD be doing, and at the end of the day, that is what will matter more than anything.

(3) Use short phrases. No long explanations. Less is more. When he gets upset, make it REALLY short: "Johnny mad! Johnny want ball!" I can't even tell you how well this has worked with my very verbal 3 y.o. Even though her vocabulary is extensive, when she has a tantrum, speaking to her as I suggested works wonders. I wish I'd learned about that with my older 2!

(4) He's 2 and just had a new sibling. He is completely acting his age. Can't try to speed it up.

[kkhan]

thanks, mamas! we are definitely emphasizing the positive. we've been showing him "nice to baby" since day one and he actually NEVER hurts her when he's holding her and he LOVES to hold her. only when she's with someone else... hmm.. anyway, this was super helpful and i know this behavior is to be expected! i've got some stuff to try thanks to you guys!!

[LynnS6]

Originally Posted by Mizelenius

(1) Consequences will not work with a child who does not ask "why" questions. I am guessing your 2 y.o. does not.

(2) Prevention and redirection are really your only tools right now. This does not mean that you will be able to prevent or redirect him all the time. The most important thing is your response. This is what you can control. Model patience and kindness, with a focus on what he SHOULD be doing, and at the end of the day, that is what will matter more than anything.

(3) Use short phrases. No long explanations. Less is more. When he gets upset, make it REALLY short: "Johnny mad! Johnny want ball!" I can't even tell you how well this has worked with my very verbal 3 y.o. Even though her vocabulary is extensive, when she has a tantrum, speaking to her as I suggested works wonders. I wish I'd learned about that with my older 2!

(4) He's 2 and just had a new sibling. He is completely acting his age. Can't try to speed it up.

The only thing I'd add is: If you're 99.9% sure that he knows the 'no throwing' rule, then the first time he throws something, I'd put the toy away. I find at this age that 'toy timeouts' work pretty well. It will result in the mother of all tantrums, most likely, but it does help.