15mo new to daycare and we need help!

[donna-nb]

I am having some worries about the daycare-- mostly about their attitude toward the attached / breadfed toddler.

I just started reading this forum after a very hard first day of daycare for my 15 mo old boy. He is secure, attached, and generally very happy. Up to now his caregivers, when i worked for a few months in the spring, were family members. Even with them sometimes he can be difficult to console when he gets it in his head he just wants mommy. I suppose typical for this age. (His nick name is the "barnacle"). when i picked him up from daycare today, he had been crying for most of the day! his eyes were all red rimmed. he gave me this look and this cry of - mom- how could you leave me here!?

I am a college instructor returning to work and have enrolled him in the day care on campus (fully licensed, professional fulltime degreed teachers with student assistants). I like the facility and the curriculum and their general educational philosophy, except . . .

This is only my first day and I already feel like there is no experience or support for breastfeeding there, especially with the toddler age group. (I sorta knew this going in, but the fact that it's on campus swayed me.) I am not allowed to nurse him in his classroom (for "health / legal reasons"? i was told i should go to the staff room or the director's office) They are not really into the idea of preparing a bottle with frozen milk in a bag, -- they don't even like the idea of giving a toddler a bottle nor do they want to allow me to daily store my milk in their freezer after pumping it that day (too much trouble- freezer is in a locked room/ health reasons i was told).


i usually nurse him to sleep. when he's with a grandma, he gets a bottle of expressed milk and is held, then rocked to sleep. the class has 6-8 kids to 2 teachers, and can't always do that. today they just laid him down on a mat awake and expected him to fall asleep. they rocked and held him and it took an hour for him to fall asleep. i guess this is expected, and he does sometimes fight sleep with grandma, i'm just frustrated, especially when they ask me for what his usual routine is and when i tell them, i get this "feeling" that i've made it more difficult for them, that i've spoiled him.

this is not to even mention other issues with their policies-- no cloth diapers, and b/c it's a publicly run state facility, he was required to have some shots that we were otherwise hoping to delay.

that's my ranting-- thanks for reading this far-- any input or advice? any answers or shared experience with any of these:

[*]how do you handle the transition/ change in naptime routine?[*]how do big daycare centers handle feeding breastmilk? storing breastmilk?[*]how do you handle the drop off? do you make a point of saying good bye?

[leilamom]

First, let me say that I am so sorry for a hard first day at child care. For my job, I have been in probably 50+ 1-year-old rooms. Just because the facility is on a college campus with degreed teachers, doesn't mean they understand infant and toddler development. Most don't.

It just really sounds by what you are saying, that this program does not fit with your parenting style. I would seriously consider moving your DS to a program that fits your parenting style. It sounds like you have tried to address your concerns and you guys don't see eye to eye on the breastfeeding and napping issues, which are two major care routines in your child's life. The fact that they didn't call you when it appeared that he had been crying all day, really bothers me.

One thing you could try, if you want to keep him there, is asking if they have an infant room and if he would be allowed to be in there? Those classrooms are typically set up to handle the type of care that your son is used to. Another thing I would ask is if you could bring him a cup of expressed milk rather than a bottle, that is already prepared. From what I know, can't breastmilk sit out for a bit before it has to be refrigerated (or bring it slightly frozen and let it thaw by the time he needs it)? It sounds like they don't have a fridge in the room. That would be a slight inconvenience for the teacher's in the room, since they can't leave the children out of ratio to run to the main fridge. You might be able to store breastmilk in an infant room fridge if they have one. Could you also see about getting a note from the doctor about a medical necessity for EBM? Generally, if it is DR's orders, they have to follow it. Although, I have to say, in the 10+ years I have worked with early childhood programs, I have never seen a parent bringing milk for a child over one-year, so this may be something that they have never experienced and don't have a plan to deal with.

As for the naptime routines, I would try to introduce a lovey for your child to have with them at naptime, a blanket or stuffed animal, that they could cuddle and would remind them of home and you. You may also request that they sit next to him and rub his back and comfort him as he goes to sleep. If the program says they try to make routines similar to home, these are things they should be able to accommodate easily. This will be a hard transition for him, especially if he nurses to sleep on a regular basis with you.

In terms of drop-off, I always encourage parents to say goodbye and not do a sneak off. The sneak-off can really make for some insecurity. Now, he will probably cry when you leave, but that should lessen as he becomes more familiar with his new routine. There are things that they teacher can do to help this, go to the window to wave, look at pictures of you, tell him where you are, things like that. They should have some techniques that they use to ease him into the routine.

In the meantime, I would explore what other options there are in terms of child care for your son that meet your needs. Sometimes family child care home providers are much more easy going about the issues that you mention and more willing to work with you. I have a feeling these issues aren't going to go away and you may want to try again at this program when he is a little older and can verbalize his emotions a little better.

Your parenting choices have made it harder on them, but you are a paying customer and it is their job to do everything in their power to make this an easy transition for him, even if it means more work for them. That's what they are supposed to do! Don't regret the great start you have given your son!

[One_Girl]

Have you discussed this with the director? Sometimes staff members give rules that don't blend in with the center's philosophy at all because directors tend to be very hands off. At our daycare we put the bagged breastmilk into a ziplock bag and warm it in the crockpot. There are some kids who take a bottle right before or right after nap even in the toddler rooms. Moms breastfeed in the classroom whenever they feel like doing it. I have never heard of a center that doesn't encourage the nursing relationship.

As for saying goodbye, a routine can really help. Sneaking out may be easier on you, but it makes it harder on kids. They often cry a little right at first and less and less each time. I used to transition my dd by giving her a hug and kiss then telling her I needed to go to work and handing her to her teacher. Her teacher was great about cuddling and reassuring her. After two weeks she only cried for about a minute once I was gone then went right into playing.

[boatrat]

I am not allowed to nurse him in his classroom (for "health / legal reasons"?

I'm sorry to hear about your troubles. My DS1 was 14 months old when he started daycare. Part of our transition was that we visited the classroom for several days and I would nurse him while we were there. I can't believe that they said you could not nurse! I would definitely speak to the center director about this, it sounds fishy and that would have been enough to make me want to choose a different place. I did not ask to leave EBM however because I stopped pumping shortly after his first birthday (we continued to BF until he was over 2, just not when I was at work).

Good luck, the transition to daycare can be difficult, but IME after the initial transition DS1 was able to nap just fine in daycare just by following what the other kids were doing and laying down on the cot. We have always had so many troubles at home getting him to sleep, but once he was settled he never had any problems at daycare.

Also, we have always had DH do the daycare drop-offs, and I do pick-up. IME kids always cry for their mommas, but not for their dads. I don't know if you can have someone else handle drop-off for you, but it might help.

[Ellien C]

Originally Posted by donna-nb

i get this "feeling" that i've made it more difficult for them, that i've spoiled him.
[*]how do you handle the transition/ change in naptime routine?[*]how do big daycare centers handle feeding breastmilk? storing breastmilk?[*]how do you handle the drop off? do you make a point of saying good bye?

It really sounds to me like this isn't the right place for you, but maybe you should give it a little longer.

To be honest, *I* find the bags of breastmilk hard to deal with. Could you just defrost and put them in a sippy cup or thermos and ask that he be given that drink at certain times of the day? That sounds workable.

In my infant room there is a small fridge and crockpot for warming bottles. I didn't send any pumped milk after 1 year so I'm not sure what my day care would have done.

Naptime, I found worked well for my still nursing toddler at day care. They dimmed the lights rubbed her back and all the little duckies eventually fell asleep or looked at picture books on their little cots. Not so peaceful at my house. They should be offering some kind of nap support - like back rubs or an alternate quiet activity.

Echo what has been said about a short goodbye.

If my kid was "inconsolable" I'd want to know. In fact my day care called me yesterday at 2:30 pm to say my baby had been inconsolable since noon. Was not running a fever and had sweated through a one-sie - was anything up? I ended up picking him up around 3:45 and he was fine with me. Guess it was just some random thing.

[nextcommercial]

I know how hard this is. I really do.

But, I also believe that at 15 months, he CAN get into the same routine the other kids are on. I fully expect my toddlers to sleep on a mat too. I fully expect them to lie down and chat themselves to sleep. They always rise to my expectations. BUT, I don't have that many kids the same age. I have all different ages, and they have role models.

That being said.... I have a two year old in a pack n play because she would get up and walk around. So, I am flexible. We do whatever works.

The frozen breast milk issue... I have to admit, I thought that was a pain in the neck too. I hated thawing it, then pouring it into another bottle, then feeding the baby (who by now was having a meltdown) But, those plastic bag things were super annoying. (they leaked too) When the mom started putting it into small bottles it was SO much easier for me.

I don't really understand why you can't breast feed in the room. I could see if they wanted you to take your shoes off or something, but I don't understand not feeding him at all. I don't think it's their fault. Licensing people spend hours and hours thinking of new ways to make provider's lives as difficult as possible. You would not believe the stupid things they come up with each year. So, any licensing issues are FAR more troublesome to the provider... I promise.

Just hang in there. Give it two weeks. I bet in less than that, he will be running in happily.

[donna-nb]

thank you all for your ideas. i am going to try sending a bottle of milk frozen and let it thaw in their fridge (my milk turns soapy-tasting rather quickly after thawing, that is part of why i didn't want to make bottles ahead of time). my other option is just to taper down on pumping -- he is able to go with out a bottle most likely -- and we can just nurse when we are together.

the thing against nursing in the room-- that did come from the teacher, but i have had some conversations with the director and she is pretty regulation/ lawsuit paranoid. im a teacher too-- i understand to a certain degree what they are dealing with, -- which is why i just don't like the idea of instituional day care period -- though i know there are some benefits. just so many rules. the teacher told me she even got scolded by the director for sending a pic-message of one of the kids to the parent, even though she got written persmission from the parents. sigh. i would find that so reassuring-- to get a pic of my child smiling, playing, and not crying and cranking out, which is what i think he did for two days.

we'll be trying again next week. i'll keep checking in. thanks all again.

[CourtBChase]

Before I was a mother, I worked as an infant teacher in a large child care center. Our policies were supportive of breastfeeding (we knew how to handle fresh and frozen breastmilk, and parents were welcome to come in and nurse whenever they liked), however the *staff* was less so. There was a lot of negative things said about breastfeeding behind parents backs, and a lot of CIO type advice given to parents who were struggling with sleep issues. I am sure that the toddler teachers would have been baffled with a parent asking to bring in expressed milk because it was very uncommon for a mother to still be pumping by a year, sadly. But that said, if a parent had asked for it I am sure they would have accommodated it. They are likely already accommodating children who need to bring in their own milk due to allergies, I would wager. And what has been said about naps, is also true in my experience. It would probably be very difficult to rock your child to sleep every day, but they should be rubbing backs and otherwise helping the children relax into sleep. And most likely your child will adapt the the naptime routine after not too long. Often children are totally different with sleep at home and at daycare.

[sneakydee]

Just something that might help - if your breastmilk is soapy tasting, that's indicative of high levels of lipase in the milk. Have you tried scalding your milk before freezing it? It's something I've been having to do for 10 months now, but it's made a world of difference (my daughter won't drink my EBM if it's soapy).

[rivkah]

I agree with those who say it just doesn't sound like a good fit. Lawsuit paranoia is not a good indication of putting children's emotional and physical needs first, in my opinion. (And this IS paranoia!)

[donna-nb]

he is now 17 months. i have heard of scalding and freezing milk, but it seemed like too much work for me. i tried freezing the milk inside the sippy cup and then bringing that to the daycare. it would thaw throughout the morning and then he took it. but after talking to some moms at la leche league and from others' input on this and other threads, i decided to just let it go and not pump at all during the day. he drinks water and eats his lunch and snack.

it's not like he's under a year -- my supply adjusted so that i nurse him in the evening and throughout the night. i have no complaints about giving up the pumping, that's for sure. we are still a happily nursing couple, and i have one less bag to carry to work everyday.