So Overwhelmed

[mamabohl]

After years of saying, "maybe..." and "I wonder..." and passing problems off as, "he's just young and energetic" I finally had to face the facts this year and start the process of getting my 8 yo ds evaluated for all the stuff that just wasn't quite right. What finally got me off my procrastinating butt was that ds has been very moody lately, seeming very depressed and angry at life. So I met with a child psych, we scheduled some tests for ds, Tuesday I met with the psych to go over the test results. That was such an emotional appointment for me. I can no longer tell myself that I'm imagining things, or looking for problems. My concerns were legitimate. Based on all the tests and surveys, the psych thinks DS almost definitely has anxiety and depression. Some of the answers on his survey were absolutely heartbreaking. (like for "I feel like no one loves me" he marked always, or for "I feel normal" he marked never. There were also many that indicated an unhealthy level of anger, blame, fear and worry.) The psych also saw many things that could possibly indicate ADHD, Asperger's, or ODD, but none of them fit quite right. (for instance, he makes friends easily and has a lot of friends, he tests well and had an extremely high working memory score, etc.) And the psych also pointed out that he probably has a learning disability like dysgraphia based on his atrocious handwriting. I can't believe I never even considered his handwriting problems might be because of a disability. We've homeschooled the past 3 years (k, 1st and 2nd) and I was always really loose about work, I thought that I just hadn't done a good job, that I hadn't made him practice writing enough.

I'm feeling a lot right now. I feel like a horrible parent. Like it's my fault he's sad and angry. I'm having a hard time making my image of my son in my head fit with the possible dx's. I feel sad, like I've lost my son in some way. And sad that I don't know him near as well as I thought. I feel some reliefe, that we're finally going to get help, that I was right. He's starting public school for the first time on Tuesday, so I'm worried about that. I need to find some way to talk to the school about his writing before school starts. And to top it off my husband is in another country, won't be home for another month, and we can't talk about this stuff because the only times we have to talk are times when ds is awake.

I'm just looking for sympathy/empathy. Maybe some words of wisdom from people who have btdt.

[shelbean91]

Accepting that there may be something 'wrong' or 'different' about your child is a very hard, bitter pill to swallow. We tell ourselves everything is ok because we WANT it to be ok. When we can't deny it any longer is when we move into action. It's normal to feel guilt, sadness, anger, etc., about a diagnosis. Process through those feelings and don't discount them. You're accepting something you never thought you'd have to.

After you have time to grieve what you thought you'd have, just dig in and start doing what needs to be done to help your child. Make the appoints with doctors and therapists. Talk to the school extensively. You are your child's biggest advocate.

Your child isn't any different today than he was yesterday. You still love him. You still want what's best for him and you still want him to be the best he can be. None of that's changed. What may have changed is how you go down that path.

My ds1 was dx'd with autism at 2 1/2 and I thought that was hard. My ds2, who is now 6 is about to be dx'd with autism and this is proving harder than I thought it would be. I figured btdt, should be easy, but just when I've got it figured out, they seem to change the rules. (the kids, I mean.)

So, it's hard, but we just put one foot in front of the other and keep going. And find someone to go to for support. It's hard to remember, but you still need to take care of you also.

Hang in there, it does get more managable.

[LynnS6]

It's a lot to take in all at once. Don't blame yourself. You didn't cause this, and you do know your son. You trusted your mommy instinct enough to be able to say "Something's not right, we need to have him tested." That's a huge step to take. it's going to take time to understand and process what you've learned.

Age 8 is the average age for an Asperger's diagnosis, meaning that a lot of kids are much older. I don't know the average age of an ADHD or ODD diagnosis, but I'd suspect they're even higher.

For now, schedule an appointment with both his teacher and the school counselor (either together or separately). Express your concerns about him. Scheduling an appointment means you'll have their full attention. Trying to do this before/after school always results in rushed, confused conversations.

If you want the school to evaluate him for learning issues, put that in writing. Other parents here are more knowledgeable than I am about how to work with the schools, so I won't say more.

[happyhats]

I haven't been in your shoes exactly but my parents were with my younger sister. I really commend you for advocating for your child and seeking help. It's not easy, and I know it's a long road for some, but the younger you seek help the better it really truly is. Take things a day at a time, breathe, love your child, and realize you are a truly wonderful and loving parent that has done nothing wrong.

[chiefmir]

GOOD FOR YOU for following your mommy instinct. 8 is actually a very early age to get help for emotional issues such as anxiety and depression, so you have done a wonderful job of noticing those red flags and taking steps to help.

[Dom&O]

I haven't BTDT, but we are going through it at the moment. I have a 7 yr old DS who is struggling with depression and suicidal thoughts. It is heartbreaking to watch him have feelings of worthlessness and not wanting to live, all the while wondering where I went wrong and blaming myself, until I realized I am doing the best I can as his mother and it isn't my fault that we are where we are today, and all I can do to move forward is to be there for him and be his advocate.

I'm sorry he is struggling and I hope you can find the answers quickly.

[Artichokie]

Have you considered bipolar/bipolar II? Has he had bloodwork done to make sure his thyroid is working correctly and has appropriate levels of vitamin d and iron? Has he been tested for lead exposure?

[mamabohl]

thank you all for the comfort. It helps to know others have done this. I'm feeling fairly positive. We had open house today, met his teacher. I got good vibes from her, and it turns out he's in a combined or compound or some word like that class, where there is already a special ed teacher & special ed student(s) in the class with the main teacher. So I talked to the teacher, let her know what's going on. I'm going to get an apt. with the counselor so we can get the ball rolling on getting him help with his writing.

Dom&O ds has said that he wishes he were dead on more than one occasion and once he said he thought death would be peaceful because then he wouldn't have to worry.

Artichokie (hehe, I like that name) - I have looked a bit at bipolar, but the moodiness, anger and dissatisfaction with life really seem to be "knew" things (ie within the last year-ish) whereas the other stuff has just always been there. To me that seemed like depression, but i will definitely look more into bipolar again just in case. Also he never really has any "manic" type of behavior. He has not had any bloodwork or lead testing done. When I brought this to his ped he just said that I didn't need a referral and to find the psych and make the appointment myself, didn't seem to consider anything medical being the cause. I suppose I should get those things looked into?

Another thought that crossed my mind - he's grown a TON the past year and developed BO. Is it possible the moodiness is premature puberty? I read a bit about it and i don't think he fits the other symptoms...but it was something I thought about.

[beachcomber]

I'm feeling a lot right now. I feel like a horrible parent. Like it's my fault he's sad and angry. I'm having a hard time making my image of my son in my head fit with the possible dx's. I feel sad, like I've lost my son in some way. And sad that I don't know him near as well as I thought.

You are a good mama - you sought help and are concerned for him. It's hard getting a dx and label attached to your child. But remember, your son is the same kid, with or without the dx/label. He is still precious. You know him well enough to be worried and to want to help him find his way to happiness. Focus on that - on the good things you're doing. You love him, even if he can't really see it due to his mental state at the moment. Trust in your love of him and in your desire to see him on the road to wellness.

[Dom&O]

I think suicidal thoughts are pretty common in kids that are depressed. My son actually has a plan though with a weapon and all, I think he scared the pants off of his therapist. We have him on Zoloft at the moment to get this depression under control and then teach him some coping skills when the meds have taken their full affect.

I hate to medicate, but I see no other option at this point. His reactions are extreme and off the charts (for example he reacts the same if he gets punished, or I give him the wrong cereal for breakfast, every reaction is a 10).

Glad you got a good vibe from the teacher, its very important to work closely with them and maybe even start some testing. We are getting that started with DS and I'm hoping we can figure out if its ADHD or dyslexia or ODD or whatever it is. I'm get worried thinking about down the road, especially because I have a severly bipolar brother (he's on disability for this and doesn't work) and this age is when all of his issues started. I try not to look ahead to much and just focus on helping him in the here and now.