One-on-one time...when and how?

[Storm Bride]

Okay - been thinking about this for a while, and since we're starting up the "school" year again on Tuesday, I need to figure it out. The free-flowing summer is done, after all. (DD1 and ds2 are homelearning, but it's through what's called a distributed learning program, so I do have to keep some records and submit reports.)

I really want to carve out one-on-one time, both for myself and dh, with each of our kids. Ideally, I'd like to get that once a week, but I know it's not going to work out that well. So, I'm thinking of at least once a month for now.

We've got ds1 (17), dd1 (7), ds2 (5) and dd2 (14 months). One-on-one time with dd2 doesn't really apply yet, but she is a factor in the one-on-one time with the other three. I'm having a tough time figuring out a way to get each of them alone with each of us on a regular/semi-regular basis. We can take one out, but that leaves the other parent with all the others (or at least the other two young ones - ds1 is pretty busy). So, if we take the "each parent takes each child out one-on-one" approach, that's going to mean six separate outings in each month. That seems like a lot, on top of everything else going on (my weekly choir rehearsals start up on the 14th, ds1 has choir and gymnastics and Interac Club, and dd1 and ds2 will have misc. lessons).

Give me your ideas on facilitating one-on-one time. This place is a real zoo much of the time, and I'd like to carve out that little block of "this is just you and me, sweetie". I'm just having a hard time thinking of things to do and ways to fit it in. (I also plan to start doing more date nights/afternoons with dh, but I can more-or-less dump the three little ones on ds1 for a couple hours for that. He can use the money, anyway.)

[Devaskyla]

[LynnS6]

Well, I've got fewer kids, so it may not apply.

Our one-on-one time doesn't usually involve going anywhere at all. With ds (9), it's usually playing catch on the front lawn or maybe watching a baseball game together. With dd (6), it's playing playmobil or with stuffed animals. It really is just 20-30 minutes as often as we can manage it. Dd likes to bake, so she and I will often bake something together. Ds is always up for a game of baseball or a Wii challenge.

Sometimes I'll take a child (just one) on an errand with me and leave the other with dh.

[NightOwlwithowlet]

I only have one kid, but I'm one of six kids. My mom seem to squeeze our one to one time into every day life. She's take one of us grocery shopping and talk in the car. Sometimes, one of us would run errands with her on Saturday morning and go out to lunch. Or she'd wake one of us up earlier and help her make breakfast.

I use to stay up late and listen to her play the guitar on Saturday nights. Actually, I'm pretty impressed that she managed to squeeze us all in, work, put herself through school after the divorce and run a farm for the first eight years of my life. She was AP way before her time.

[Alyantavid]

We only have 2 so it might not help.

DS1 is in school and dh keeps ds2 home with him one day a week so they always get that time. DS1 goes to work with dh often so they get that time. It's obviously not without interuptions, but they can talk and do things.

Mine are bit shorter I guess. I take ds1 grocery shopping before we pick up his brother. I pick up ds2 sometimes before ds1 so I can hear all about his day in the car (which for my kids, is when they spill their guts). It's just a few minutes whenever we can manage it.

[Tigerchild]

Most of our 1 on 1 time has been on errands. I don't feel guilty about "dumping" the other kids on DH. THough I have three--so that means when I take 1 out, not only does that one get 1-1 time with me but the siblings get rotating 1-1 time with each other. Every now and then we do a special outing (for example, DD loves sushi, DSes do not, so sometimes we go out for that) but most of it is errands and stuff. We can't afford a lot of outings, time wise or $$. Going on a walk has served esp. for my more active DD.

[Storm Bride]

hmm...errands seem to be popular. I do take just ds2 with me grocery shopping sometimes. He enjoys going when it's just us. DD1 isn't in to running errands with me right now, though. I'm thinking I may just take her for a walk or something. If it's too "cool", then ds2 willl want to do it, too! I know I really like having one of the kids with me while I shop, but it doesn't work very well, if the child doesn't want to be there...

Okay - going to keep thinking.

[limabean]

It's much easier for us since we only have two kids -- we can do simultaneous one-on-one time. With four kids it'd be much harder! Anyway, we really try to do kid-focused stuff, not just take one kid out on errands or something, unless it's a fun errand like a trip to the bookstore.

I take DS (almost 6yo) to places like Disneyland (we have annual passes), for a bike ride, to the nearby field to kick a soccer ball around, to the lake to watch the ducks, for a short train ride to a nearby teahouse, to the movies, to the beach, upstairs to play a board game or build with Legos, etc.

While we're out, DH and DD (2.5yo) do something special like fingerpaint, use the water table, go for a walk, play instruments, have a tea party, go to the park, etc.

We make sure we each do something alone with each kid at least once a week, but as I said with 4 kids it'd be much much harder -- maybe aim for one-on-one time with each kid at least once a month to start and see how it goes? (Oh, I just noticed you said that in your OP -- that sounds like a good initial goal to me.)

[Storm Bride]

I need to figure out a close-to-home activity that each of them would like. We have no yard, and dh can't drive, so there are some logistical limits, as well. The only thing that I know dd1 would love, especialy once the colder weather starts, is a trip to a little cafe across the street for a treat (cookie, muffin, bar, or whatever). I may actually do that, but then I have to do it with ds, as well, because he's not gong to be happy if his sister gets a brownie and he doesn't, yk?

Kicking around a soccer ball is a good idea that I hadn't thought of. There is one field close by that I could take ds2 over to. I wasn't able to kick a soccer ball at all for a long time (my last couple pregnancies were pretty physically limiting from a pretty early stage), but I can now!

[camracrazy]

My 9 yo has been begging for more one on one time with daddy. He is supposed to take her to play mini golf tonight. My 5 yo knows they are going somewhere, and isn't very happy. *sigh*

Some things you could do that would be close to home:

A photo scavenger hunt - make a list of things to find (flowers, cat, sidewalk crack, etc. Anything you can think of that could be found in your neighborhood!) Give your kid a disposible camera or your camera if they won't damage it. Take pictures of each of the items you find.

A regular scavenger hunt - same idea, but you pick things that the kids can collect and bring home. An acorn, a card from a local business, a weirdly shaped rock, etc. If you had each kid do the same hunt on different days (the regular or the photo) it would be fun to have a time afterwards when they compared their findings.

Bike riding

Is there a bus or anything that runs near enough for you to catch? We have a trolley in our city and the kids think it is the greatest thing to ride the trolley. I decided to take them to ride it one day and the driver had lots of great suggestions for free things going on around the trolley route. We ended up getting off to go on a free horsedrawn carriage ride and to get free apple cider! The whole thing cost me 75¢ for the trolley fare.

If there is a stream or creek near your house, wading in it can be big fun.

Since you are mainly looking for time with the older three, could you have the 17 yo watch the youngest so you could take one kid and dh could take the other? Then next time swap? That way, your ds2 or dd1 doesn't feel like they just got left at home, and it cuts down how many nights you would need (2 nights for your ds2 and dd1 since they would both be going out on one night with a different parent, and 2 nights for your older ds).

[Drummer's Wife]

We do outings, and it's not really excessive - b/c often it's things like trips to the grocery store or walmart or mall (DD's favorite), which we do anyhow. My kids all beg to go to get groceries with me (or DH), so it is still a fun, at least hour long outing. They get to pick out special treats, visit with me while we shop, and we will sometimes go grab a quick bite to eat somewhere beforehand. If we were trying to take them to special places like the movies or an amusement park one-on-one, then yeah, it would be a lot of outings with four kids and two parents who want individual time together. We do try to do those type of things, of course, but usually it is the whole family or a special occasion if it's just one or two kids.

Other than that, I'm looking for more ideas, too. All four of my kids are in school now, so there is limited time in the evenings, and our weekends tend to be busy as is. But there's always time for trips to the store and park, so we do those - sometimes with several of us, sometimes with just one adult and one kid.

[greenmansions]

We are going through this same issue right now with our two kids. It's very hard because the kids get upset at not both being able to go do something with their dad - they don't see enough of him during the week and the youngest (4 yo) has a hard time with feeling left out. I'm enjoying reading the responses here.

[limabean]

Originally Posted by Storm Bride

I may actually do that, but then I have to do it with ds, as well, because he's not gong to be happy if his sister gets a brownie and he doesn't, yk?

That's what I was thinking as I wrote my last post -- it's also easy for us right now because DD is young enough that she doesn't really get that her brother is getting something special when he leaves the house with me. In another year, there's no way she'd be cool with me traipsing off to Disneyland with my DS, even if she knew she'd get a turn in a few days. I guess I'll have to rethink things soon too, maybe doing the really special stuff all together and doing the more normal stuff (park trips, board games, etc.) one-on-one (as well as together, of course).

[Storm Bride]

I'm also trying to think of ways for dh to get his one-on-one time. It's somewhat easier for me, as I'm with them more and have the driver's license. He's more limited in his options.

That said, he does great at creating special outings with the little ones. I woke up one morning, and he wasn't here, and the kids were gone. I called him and he was at the aquarium. He thought I needed to sleep in, so he got them all ready and just left. But, an outing like that on the bus takes a lot of time, so it's not a practical approach to regular one-on-one time.

[AmaraMonillas]

Do you have family or close friends who could help out for a couple hours once a week/every other week? If you don't, maybe you could just pay a sitter. 2 hours on Sat or Sun morning (or an evening) would be enough and you could drive DH and one kid somewhere and then take another somewhere else.
I remember occasionally having "dates" with one of my parents and loving it, I felt so special (I also have 3 siblings). Errands and such can be nice, but it isn't the same as an activity that focuses on the child. Every other month is still nice and regular, especially if you do have the trips to the store and playing one on one in the yard in between.

[Storm Bride]

Originally Posted by AmaraMonillas

Do you have family or close friends who could help out for a couple hours once a week/every other week? If you don't, maybe you could just pay a sitter. 2 hours on Sat or Sun morning (or an evening) would be enough and you could drive DH and one kid somewhere and then take another somewhere else.
I remember occasionally having "dates" with one of my parents and loving it, I felt so special (I also have 3 siblings). Errands and such can be nice, but it isn't the same as an activity that focuses on the child. Every other month is still nice and regular, especially if you do have the trips to the store and playing one on one in the yard in between.

Actually, with the middle two, this could work out, if I just get ds1 to babysit dd2 for a couple of hours. He adores her, anyway, and I'd pay him for this one, I think. (We have a rule/guideline about paying ds1 for babysitting - if dh and I are doing something that takes care of family necessities, such as grocery shopping, picking up repair/maintenance items, running work errands for dh, etc., he doesn't get paid...if we're out having fun or going on a date or something, he does.)

I've been so focused on dh having to watch the other two while I have my one-on-one time, and me having to watch the other two while he has his one-on-one time, that I never even thought of having ds1 (or someone else) babysit dd2 while we both got our time. It's amazing the weird blinders we can put on ourselves.

[Quinalla]

For frequent one-on-one time, I think taking one kid along for errands or something quick, one game of cards, baking something with one, etc. is the way to go. Then maybe have a special yearly outing where the kid gets to pick somewhere to go (within reason of course monetary and distance) with both parents and the others go to a babysitter/grandma/etc. That's how my parents handled it as they also had 4 kids and it was too much time to try to juggle special outings frequently. But yeah, Dad or Mom would be going to run some errands and one of us kids would go with, that sort of thing.

[sewchris2642]

You now have me thinking. I never thought about creating one-on-one time with the girls or now with Dylan. When it happened, it happened. Usually when the other 2 were with friends and there was only one at home at that moment or only one went along on errands. Most of the time, if one wanted to talk with me without the others, they joined me wherever I was--doing laundry, cooking, cleaning, taking a bath, etc. Otherwise, whoever wanted to, joined the conversations. Dylan's sex/puberty talks tend to occur when one of his sisters is home visiting. I think that he feels more comfortable in a group talking about it. But then his sisters did the same thing. By the time they were teens, that time alone with a parent (usually me) was either when I was driving them to/from school or late at night. There is more built-in time alone with Dylan because he is an only child. When Joy and family lived with us, his alone time was when I walked him to school or at night after the grandkids went to bed, while I'm sewing, riding along with me on errands, going with me to work.

Today I'm taking Dylan to the movies. I want to see a movie that dh has no interest in but Dylan does, so we are going together. But it wasn't planned in order to have a one-on-one time with him.

[Storm Bride]

Originally Posted by sewchris2642

You now have me thinking. I never thought about creating one-on-one time with the girls or now with Dylan. When it happened, it happened. Usually when the other 2 were with friends and there was only one at home at that moment or only one went along on errands. Most of the time, if one wanted to talk with me without the others, they joined me wherever I was--doing laundry, cooking, cleaning, taking a bath, etc. Otherwise, whoever wanted to, joined the conversations. Dylan's sex/puberty talks tend to occur when one of his sisters is home visiting. I think that he feels more comfortable in a group talking about it. But then his sisters did the same thing. By the time they were teens, that time alone with a parent (usually me) was either when I was driving them to/from school or late at night. There is more built-in time alone with Dylan because he is an only child. When Joy and family lived with us, his alone time was when I walked him to school or at night after the grandkids went to bed, while I'm sewing, riding along with me on errands, going with me to work.

Today I'm taking Dylan to the movies. I want to see a movie that dh has no interest in but Dylan does, so we are going together. But it wasn't planned in order to have a one-on-one time with him.

One-on-one time almost never happens naturally around here. My laundry room is right next to the kitchen, so doing laundry isn't really an "alone" thing. And, if one of the kids comes to me while I'm doing laundry or cooking, then the other one will be along shortly. It's just the way things work around here. DS2 gets a bit of alone time with me, because he's sometimes inside while dd1 is outside playing with friends, and will ask to come on an errand with me or something. I'd love it if we had more spontaneous one-on-one time, but it just doesn't happen.

I had lots of one-on-one time with ds1. He was an only child, and for a year or so, it was only me and him. Things are a lot different with the house full of kids.

[sewchris2642]

Originally Posted by Storm Bride

I had lots of one-on-one time with ds1. He was an only child, and for a year or so, it was only me and him. Things are a lot different with the house full of kids.

And that's probably why it's never crossed my radar. I was never an only child. I was 10 months old when my mom had twins. I basically grew up as triplet. With the girls, if one wanted a private conversation with me, she just told the other 2 to leave us alone. But if the conversation wasn't all that private, they all would wander in or out depending on if they were interested in the subject. Dylan has been privy to more adult conversations at an earlier age because he is so much younger than his sisters. On the other hand, he tuned out most of it when he was younger. As for errands, I would announce that I was going out on errands and who wanted to go with me. Depending on what they were doing and where I was going, one or more would decide to go. Joy and Angela had built in one-on-one time going to high school. Joy because she was on the swim team and we would drive her to school at 5 am. Angela because by the time she was in high school, the other 2 were either out of the house or going to college/working. I never took Dylan by myself on errands until he was 5 or so. It took more than one person to corral his curiosity.