Flying With a Toddler, Feel Guilty Already

[AnnaNova]

so in about 2 months my son and me are going to fly to eastern europe to see my family. i have been trying to look up online tips for flying with a toddler, and ways to entertain him, and every article/post i read insists on buying a seat for the child. it is safer / better / more convenient / peaceful for everyone.
it has really gotten to a point where i dont even want to read anything. this last article i read was particularly condescending on people that "try to save a buck" and fly with a child on their lap.
ufortunately, i dont have extra 2,000 lying around. the only reason we CAN go is because he is 18 months and i dont have to pay for him. when the next time is gonna be that we go see his grandparents and cousins, i dont know.
as worried as i am about flying alone with a toddler, reading that it's not safe and troublesome for me AND everyone around makes it so much worse.
i know it would be safer for him in his own seat, but, really, if a plane goes down on a transatlantic flight, would it make a difference?
there must be a reason they can be lap children up till two, and it is absolutely outrageous to pay 2,000 for a seat where he probably won't even sшt unless he naps.
im just upset. here i am trying to find a way to make it easier, only realizing im stressing out more

[alia]

Heya... I hope you are able to find some peace with your decision. I totally hear that you are not just saving one measly buck -- that it's actually a rather significant pile of bucks! However, I think only you can know how you would feel IF a smaller scale accident (like severe turbulence or a really harsh landing), one short of a crash that kills everyone on board, were to happen and your child were hurt more than he would have been if he had been in a seat.

I hope you don't let the condescending tone of some of those articles cause you stress. (I think I must have read many of the same ones as you over the 2 years DD has been with us!) Many people taking $100 flights DO find even a small pile of extra money hard to come by, and I don't think the authors of some of those articles realize how their hostile tones can undermine the effectiveness of their argument. It's all a sliding scale of risk AND money...just like many of the decisions in our life.

We flew to Malaysia and to Ireland with DD, when she was about 7 months old and about 18 months old, respectively. We did not buy extra seats. So I am with you on feeling that, even for long-haul flights, $2000 is worth sacrificing my personal comfort and some convenience for.

But since those trips, I have realized I would never do it again. And soon, assuming all goes well, we'd even have two extra seats to buy. I would delay a trip, save up everything for miles, wait for sales, etc etc etc... but that is my personal assessment of how awful I personally would feel if something were to happen that caused intermediate injury rather than straight-up death, KWIM? $2000 may not be worth comfort for a few hours, but peace of mind? Child safety? For me, yes. But for you? If your gut tells you that either nothing will happen or something catastrophic (like your example) will happen, no...it absolutely makes sense not to buy the seat.

I look at it like seat belt laws... especially back seat seatbelt laws. Everyone could agree that they reduced (relatively rare) injuries and fatalities, but few people insist on their being used consistently in their own cars unless it's law...and even then, sometimes only when they think they'll get caught and fined. It's really a small chance that you'll be caught in a wreck, but even when it was free, people didn't do it unless it was required. So with carseats on planes... as long as it is not legally required, people do not often choose the option, ESPECIALLY since it costs more. I have read in a few random places that there is talk of making it a requirement that all children have their own seats. I think 2 years was sort of an arbitrary cutoff when it was established in the first place.

Long ramble, but I am grabbing a late snack and had to respond.

I don't think it is an easy decision. I don't think anything bad will happen, and that's totally based on the odds. But I would still buy another seat. Can you raise funds for it any other way? A collection among the family being visited? Have a garage sale/put stuff on ebay/consignment? Sacrifice something from your daily routine? Turn up/down the thermostat 2 degrees for half the day until your budget is straight again? Dunno... just random money-saving stuff off the top of my head that could better be addressed elsewhere.

Maybe you can put the stress in perspective, sort of the big picture way, by appreciating the fact that you have even one pile of $2000 for one ticket to visit family. That this distress you feel now is related to the fact that you're even a little bit fortunate! Hmm... though maybe more comparisons are not what you need.

So...just this bit more:

I hope you have a wonderful trip, that your DS loves it, too!

[AnnaNova]

unfortunately, the ticket that i already have has been paid for with help of the family, and the garage sale money will go towards expenses while we are there. it has been really really tough. like i said, one of the reasons i am going is because i wouldnt have to pay for him, because i dont know when i will be able to buy two tickets. trust me, this has been a long and painful process of cutting things out and planning and planning and planning ...
i totally get the point about safety and minor turbulence and minor things that still cause injuries...and that what makes it so much more stressful, too. you read the articles hoping to find some reassurance, or guidance, or help, and all there is, is 'you are an irresponsible parent with no sympathy for your fellow passengers'.
it would have been so much easier if they were required to have seats, then i would just know that i can't go, end of story, instead of stressing out.

[gravida]

I fly a lot with my kids (my 5 month old has been to 5 countries and 3 continents, my two year old to 6 countries and I mostly fly on my own with them) and I used to fly for a living so I'm pretty confidant when I say you don't need a second seat. It's nice not to have a squirmy toddler on your lap the whole time but it is do-able without. Severe turbulence is rare and usually unforeseeable so you may be in the lav, walking around or cuddling in the same seat anyways. Landings that cause injuries are also really really rare. As parents we want to protect our kids as much as possible but to be totally honest just a seat for an 18 month old isn't going to do a speck of good protecting him. Some planes you cannot bring a car seat on board so you'd have to hold him during take off, landing and turbulence anyways. So the safety issue is totally null. It comes down to parent comfort and if you don't have $2000 you don't have it so you are a bit less comfy. No big deal really.

As for fellow passengers.... who cares? Don't let him climb all over strangers and try to keep him happy but you paid for a seat as much as they did so you have just as much right to be there as they do. Just go, enjoy yourselves and take pride in the fact that you are able to show your baby a new part of the world.

[Marylizah]

I totally get the financial aspect, and if it's a choice between getting to see family who you won't get to see again for a long time and the statistically very small chance of severe turbulence/bad landing/crash, I would choose the visit!

Some tips: try to schedule your trips at night, as much as possible. Your toddler will sleep more of the time (esp if you are going to Europe, your flight there should be at night). Bring a small bag full of novelty stuff, doesn't have to be toys. It can be a roll of scotch tape, wooden spoons, measuring spoons on a ring, small things like that. If you can, (if the airline has them) the movies for kids can be a great way to entertain little ones during the flight. Bring lots of snacks. Bring several changes of clothes. Be proactive about keeping your child calm, fed and entertained and then forget about the other passengers. You have as much right to travel as anyone else!!

Safe and happy travels to you!

[deeka]

I've also flown multiple times with my child on my lap. They won't encourage you on websites/in print because they're afraid if something does happen you could sue them. And there could always be an accident, although it is relatively rare. Because the inside of the plane is very big and people have bags, and heavy dvd players, I don't think even the child seat is very safe. A flying projectile to the head can kill an adult. Those dvd players are heavy. Also smaller planes get a lot more turbulence than bigger ones, jet planes, particularly big intercontinental ones, are usually relatively stable and fly above turbulence. Of course the worst risk is during takeoff and landing.

I bought one of those airplane baby seatbelts that loops through your seatbelt online for safety. I try to keep her buckled in. It does still seem that in bad turbulence she could hit her head on the seat back in front of her, there is a lot of room on that thing, so I do worry. Maybe this time I'll put some padding on the back of the tray. It's not safe, but it's safer.

On the plus side she nurses and sleeps right through the flight, and she gets to people watch t the airport so she's as happy as a clam.

If you're flying off peak (ie. not Friday before Thanksgiving break) then there may be extra seats on the plane, and the crew is usually good about trying to give those to people with lap babies. You need to look out for them, though, everyone tries to get them. Last time we flew out to Europe, the entire row behind us was empty. I think the crew moved us there on purpose. Hubby changed seats before the doors closed, so we got the row. Of course by then we'd had to gate check the car seat, so couldn't put DD in that.

If you have a transfer either in the Europe on the way there or in the US on the way back, make sure you bring an umbrella stroller. They wont gate check regular strollers in Europe, or on the flight to Europe, but you can bring the umbrella on board. They tried to gate check our stroller on the way there, and it's lost.

Enjoy your trip , chances are nothing will happen.

[physmom]

We fly a lot. Just to give you an idea we DD has 12 separate flights before she turned 1. We've only bought her her own seat one time (the vast majority flights were for work and they wouldn't pay for DD's seat). That one time was heaven but she was also a very active 16 month old at the time. Before that we never felt the need to buy her a seat and they also have infant seat belts that attach to your seat belt.

I've read the same articles but here's what hit home for me. The reason that kids under 2 can ride on your lap is to encourage more families to fly. It is infinitely safer for kids to fly sitting on your lap that drive (even with a car seat and all safety precautions). So if you feel safe enough to put your kid in a car and drive your kid is statistically safe enough to fly in your lap.

DD's at the point (20 months and very big for her age) now that we've decided we have to buy her a seat. She's just too big for it to be comfortable. We just had a 8 hour flight Tuesday with her on our laps and it was NOT comfortable. The airline was very accommodating, we got in the front row and she even had a little corner to walk around in. We also got to sit next to another baby, which was great because DD is very social and loved to see a little baby (he was 9 months). It was a day flight, though, so it was more difficult because she needed to move, night flights are easier on her because she sleeps the whole time (but not on us because we don't!).

[GoBecGo]

Originally Posted by AnnaNova

so in about 2 months my son and me are going to fly to eastern europe to see my family. i have been trying to look up online tips for flying with a toddler, and ways to entertain him, and every article/post i read insists on buying a seat for the child. it is safer / better / more convenient / peaceful for everyone.
it has really gotten to a point where i dont even want to read anything. this last article i read was particularly condescending on people that "try to save a buck" and fly with a child on their lap.
ufortunately, i dont have extra 2,000 lying around. the only reason we CAN go is because he is 18 months and i dont have to pay for him. when the next time is gonna be that we go see his grandparents and cousins, i dont know.
as worried as i am about flying alone with a toddler, reading that it's not safe and troublesome for me AND everyone around makes it so much worse.
i know it would be safer for him in his own seat, but, really, if a plane goes down on a transatlantic flight, would it make a difference?
there must be a reason they can be lap children up till two, and it is absolutely outrageous to pay 2,000 for a seat where he probably won't even sшt unless he naps.
im just upset. here i am trying to find a way to make it easier, only realizing im stressing out more

You don't have a lot of money, yet you have scraped together enough that you can take your lovely boy to see family who are so far away it might be a LONG time before he sees them again. Pat yourself on the back! You're not doing anything wrong - sure, a seat each might be preferable (might not be though!), but first class would be too right? A private jet? There is always more/better to aim for, but you are doing something a lot of families would be unable to do for their kids (mine have never flown anywhere!) because you have scrimped and saved and worked HARD to do it. Stop reading sites about this. Stop worrying about it. There is no alternative choice for you, there is no decision to be made - why are you torturing yourself over this? You have made a perfectly acceptable travel arrangement for yourself and your son. There may be people who don't like it - so what - you might not like their aftershave/skimpy clothing/loud voice - you are all following the accepted rules of travel, you all have every right to be there. Be proud of your ability to take your son on this trip, relax and enjoy your trip!

[JBaxter]

I have 4 kids and I wouldnt take a 2 hr flight with an 18 month old let alone a transatlantic. BTW there is a fee for an international lap baby. When my friends checked it was a couple hundred.
You cant use your tray table ( there is no room) its a long time to sit and if there is turbulance they will not let you up to walk. Ive been on some pretty bumpy flights and always thanked God my boys were buckled in.
I hope you luck into a long nap but we do not travel if everyone doesnt have a seat.

[~Amy~]

While I am generally in favour of buying a seat for everyone for all the reasons listed above, sometimes international airlines won't let you use a car seat anyway so I honestly wouldn't worry too much about it.

[Birdie B.]

Just wanted to give you some support. We just returned from Europe, with our 20 month old on our laps, and it was FINE. Honestly the only reason we could go was because we didn't have to buy her a seat! I have read the research and message boards about this, but I am convinced that flying is safe, and spending the extra $$$ does not significantly increase the safety factor. Plus, would your toddler REALLY stay strapped in his seat the ENTIRE flight?? Mine wouldn't - no way! She would be begging to get out of the seat and stretch and of course we would let her, because it's so uncomfy to be stuck in one position.

On the way there it was an overnight flight, and it wasn't great, but not horrible. She slept across both our laps and her feet hung over the guy next to me(luckily he was cool about it). We barely slept, but she seemed to get a good night's sleep. On the way back we left in the early morning and I was really worried that she would be wide awake and trying to get down and run around or climb on stuff. She was an ANGEL! Seriously, she took 2 naps, played happily in the seat, and for good measure all the people around us wanted to play with her too, so we had lots of extra hands to help. In Europe people are much more family and child-oriented, so it seems that they are more helpful with children. I wish you the best of luck!

Don't feel guilty, go and have a good time! Maybe you will luck into an open seat - carry the car seat to the gate, and ask if there is an open seat. They will let you use your car seat then. This has happened to us several times on domestic flights, and it's wonderful.

[manleywoman]

We've always flown with our guy as a lap child (although he turns 2 in a few days so that's ending). Many times if you pick a flight that's very light, the flight attendants will allow you to bring the car seat on board and put it in an empty seat next to you. So bring the car seat and prepare to gate check it if there is not space. We did that probably half the flights we took. And the other times we just entertained him on our laps.

My tips for keeping them entertained: stickers, snacks, songs, videos.

Good luck!

[AnnaNova]

thank you all for wonderful feedback and some perspective. the "advice" online to always buy an extra seat was overwhelming, and i think that's why i started stressing out. before i started reading up about it, it wasnt really a big deal - he is under two how ELSE would he fly if not on my lap?
this last article i read was particularly mean featuring pictures of happy toddlers in their own seats peacefully watching winnie the pooh on their dvd players...
and yes, we did pay extra 10% for him which is not much, but still, he did pay for his seat even if its on my lap. and there is absolutely no way he would sit in his own seat for a long time. maybe if everyone else remained seated, but once he sees people get up, he'll be like "i want too!"
thanks everyone, i feel much better about our trip. if i had the money, i would definetely buy another ticket, just for the sake of extra space and more comfortable sleeping, but oh well, we'll just suck it up and feel up on stickers and crackers. home sweet home here we come

[claras_mom]

Try to get in a bulkhead row. You won't have the tray table in front of you (it will probably pull out of the chair arm), but on the other hand, you won't have the people in front of you leaning their seats way back and making an uncomfortable situation worse (bad enough on short haul domestic flights). And check with the airline to see what they have to offer families traveling with young kids. We flew Cathay Pacific once; they had age appropriate activity bags.

Pack light and remember to bring your own sippy cups, if you use them. Extra clothes are important, as well as a small changing pad and plastic bags for dirty diapers (barf bags do work, in a pinch).

We traveled a lot with dd1, from the time she was 5 mo. We always found that she was at least as entertained by everything new going on around her as she was by anything we happened to pack. So we stick with a very small selection of her most favorite toys--like a couple of small stuffed animals or maybe some finger puppets--and try to avoid anything with multiple parts.

It will be fine.

[Girlprof]

Oh lordy, please don't worry about this. It sounds like you are feeling better about it. Here's a story you'll enjoy. We flew to Europe this summer with our 2.5 year old so we had to buy her a seat. We would probably have done that anyway because she's pretty big. Still, she was *terrified* to sit in her own seat. And she's not a wilting flower of a child by any means. We had four flights and here is how it went.

Flight #1: She completely panicked and did not want to sit by herself. We were able to bribe her into her own seat for take-off at the last minute with a lot of chocolate. She was asleep for landing.

Flight #2: They didn't realize she was older than two and they brought that lap belt connector thing. She was nervous but managed.

Flight #3 (a month later): She completely and totally freaked at the idea of being in her own seat. We gave her plenty of chocolate and physically forced her into her seat (awful). The chocolate got all over everything. When the flight attendants were sitting down, she nearly strangled herself on the damn seat belt and I took her onto my lap. The flight attendants relented and gave us the lap belt for landing. By now she was so freaked about the belt that it was hard to get her even to wear that.

Flight #4 (same flight attendants, who had learned their lesson): Chocolate bribes worked to get her to tolerate the lap belt.

The absolute most dangerous part of the flight was the near strangulation on the seat belt. Totally preventable if she had been allowed to sit on my lap. It made me decide that they should let parents decide what to do with kids until they are 3 or so.

We are flying again next month and I may lie about her age. She has a seat but I highly doubt she'll use it.

Don't feel guilty. You are doing an amazing thing by taking her to see your family. Have a wonderful trip!

[globe-trotter]

My son also is a very frequent traveler... started at 14 days old, has done multiple intenational LONG flights, I have never once paid for a seat yet! Its VERY VERY doable. My ergo is my life saver so I can nap also.
And a toddler is WAY less anoying to me than those drunk buisiness men, or loud demanding person.....there is always someone like that on a plane. At least the kids have an excuss.

[AKislandgirl]

I just returned from a trip with my child. She's 19 months and did not have a seat. She did great! We used the tray no problem, moved around in the aisles when we could, and kept busy with toys and snacks. We couldn't afford a seat for her either but it was no problem. Would it have been nice to have an extra seat... sure but I wouldn't stress over this. You guys will be just fine and you are giving your child an incredible experience to visit family! Enjoy!

[globe-trotter]

If you don't mind sharing... What airlines are you on? Do you know what type of plane it is? I have Flight attenedent friends and if you let me know your airline I may be able to give you some extra tips and pointers! Lufthansa is MY FAVORITE (europe airline) and SO child friendly!!!
Check out seatguru.com and you can get some help trying to figure out what are the best seats. (bulkhead is my personal fav for toddlers).
CARES unit is GREAT for an in between thing (its FAA approved and fits in your purse so if a seat opens up last second but you already have the car seat away-this will be a life saver!).

[nukuspot]

We just got back from a month long trip (4 seperate flights) with a 16 month old. I read all the same things and felt the same way but now know after this experience there would have been no way she would have sat alone in her seat. We flew from the west to east coast of the US then to England, then all back again. I did the return England to US flight alone just me and baby. Seriously I am so happy I didn't buy her a seat because not only could we have not afforded it, but on two segments they actually changed our row so we had an extra seat anyway without paying! And she would not even sit in it for a moment post takeoff. She slept on my lap much of the time. Don't worry...

[MadiMamacita]

Originally Posted by gravida

I fly a lot with my kids (my 5 month old has been to 5 countries and 3 continents, my two year old to 6 countries and I mostly fly on my own with them) and I used to fly for a living so I'm pretty confidant when I say you don't need a second seat. It's nice not to have a squirmy toddler on your lap the whole time but it is do-able without. Severe turbulence is rare and usually unforeseeable so you may be in the lav, walking around or cuddling in the same seat anyways. Landings that cause injuries are also really really rare. As parents we want to protect our kids as much as possible but to be totally honest just a seat for an 18 month old isn't going to do a speck of good protecting him. Some planes you cannot bring a car seat on board so you'd have to hold him during take off, landing and turbulence anyways. So the safety issue is totally null. It comes down to parent comfort and if you don't have $2000 you don't have it so you are a bit less comfy. No big deal really.

As for fellow passengers.... who cares? Don't let him climb all over strangers and try to keep him happy but you paid for a seat as much as they did so you have just as much right to be there as they do. Just go, enjoy yourselves and take pride in the fact that you are able to show your baby a new part of the world.