Navigating exchanges with a hostile x?

[DeerMother]

Long story short, x was/is abusive to me. We now have a temporary custody agreement which has us doing exchanges in a public place and communicating only about the children. There are things pertaining to dc that both of us need to know about. When I have told him something, he either doesn't speak, grunts, or makes a sarcastic comment. We will likely never be able to be friendly or communicate in a healthy way. What have others done in situations like this? Dc are 2.5, so now communication centers around medication, illness, if they napped or not. When they are older, I assume it will shift to their schedules and homework. I appreciate any tips.

[doubledutch]

communicate in writing? even if you include it as a note at the hand-off. it might make things easier for you in general.

it would be even better if you guys could use that website people have linked to before . . . but i can't remember what it is so i can't link! he would have to actually use it though, so if that's not gonna happen, i'd just pass notes, as dumb as that sounds.

[NolaRiordan]

e-mail communication only. Don't try to talk to him during the exchanges. If there can't be positive communication in front of your kids then don't communicate at all. The other advantage to e-mail is that you have a record of it.

[Phoenix~Mama]

I've seen several states suggest a communication notebook that travels with the kids for volatile divorce situations. Basically you'd write the date and any pertinent info that needs to be communicated in the book.

[meemee]

i have the same situation even after 6 1/2 years with an 8 year old.

i have realized if i make observations instead of opinions inspite of the sarcastic remarks ex listens.

we do phone calls. v. brief. i dont expect a response call. but a phonecall none the less. no asking opinions but doing.

for instance when dd was unhappy in K and i was going to change schools, i told ex. i did all teh research and handed him my findings. when dd got lice he emailed me the link for the face cleanser way instead of chemicals.

so far we have managed well. for instance he does not tell me when he takes dd to the dentist. i find out. however he has never had to take dd to the doctors. one time he started her on antibiotics thinking such and such (after visiting a doctor but not waiting for the results). i supported him and then pointed out the frequent peeing thing is age appropriate and sent her back to him with a diaper and then he bought some.

the thing is he IS reasonable where dd is concerned. when i couldnt go to open house i asked him to go and he went. but did he tell me what they told him? no!!! i dont think he saw any value in what the information was so i had to talk to the teacher directly.

however its my personality too. i like talking and getting it taken care of right then instead of emailing and waiting for a response.

i take it each day at a time, and see what works with ex. but i make sure i take the lead so that ex is not doing the major work because i wouldnt know anything.

[Hollycrand]

We do exclusive email, with the rare phone call for important things that cannot wait.

[hillymum]

Another emailer here. We do text, but if things start heading down hill I will switch to email so responses have to be thought out a little bit more, adds a tiny calming down period.

[Super~Single~Mama]

I was really worried about exchanges too - but they've gotten much easier as time goes on. One thing I always do - in front of my ex since he has a positive relationship with our son - is get excited and say, "Look!! It's daddy!! You get to go to daddy's house!!" He ALWAYS relaxes when he hears me say something like this, and it makes communication SO much easier. Then I can tell him things like, "DS took a nap from 12-1:30, he ate a late lunch since he wasn't hungry before his nap, (sometimes I'll tell him what, sometimes not), we went to the park, he got soaking wet and loved it, etc." If DS learned something new like a certain song I'll tell him that too.

I always try to include something positive since that lightens the mood.

And, at first, when DS would come home, I would ask specific questions, but non-judgemental ones, like, "how much milk has he had today? When did he nap? When did he eat last? Did he sleep ok last night? etc." And then at the end I would ALWAYS add, "Say bye bye to daddy! Can you give daddy a bye bye kiss? Say I love you!" and since he know's I always say these things exchanges have gotten very easy, non-threatening - I rarely ask anything about my ex other than pleasentries, I keep it to things about ds. Thats it. And we meet in the lobby of my building, so there are people walking by and coming and going. Makes it easier.

ETA - things have gotten easier, and now alot of information is volunteered by my ex. As the distance between us has gotten bigger (time wise anyway) communication gets easier. It's also entirely possible that he's just on his best behavior until after the trial that's coming up since I have an OP that he wants me to drop (NOT going to happen btw).

[Halfasianmomma]

Hmm, well I no longer speak with my X, but...what about that online calendar thing that MamaJen suggested? That way you could post stuff to each other without requiring verbal exchanges.

I agree that when child exchanges were taking place, they slooooowly got "better", as in less abusive. I just brought someone with me (usually my father, whom XH HATES) and it kept things polite.

I also did a lot of ignoring of various jibes and text messages sent my way to irk me. If XH hadn't freaked out and stopped seeing DD, I think we could have eventually had a polite relationship during those exchanges.

[VocalMinority]

Originally Posted by NolaRiordan

e-mail communication only. Don't try to talk to him during the exchanges. If there can't be positive communication in front of your kids then don't communicate at all. The other advantage to e-mail is that you have a record of it.

Exactly right. And it diminishes your frustration, a little. I mean, if the only response you're going to get to "Did Polly nap?" is a grunt, why set yourself up for irritation by asking the question?

With medication, I'd e-mail him about it in advance of the exchange (again, so you have a record that you told him), then put the medicine in a Ziploc bag with a written note reiterating how/when to give it - and put it directly in his hand when you exchange the kids. Don't tuck it into a bag he might not open. Then even if he didn't read his e-mail, you know he saw the medicine bottle.

As the kids get older, communicating via e-mail should get easier. You send him info. about homework and sports schedules, but your kids will also know what they need to be doing/where they need to go and will bug him about it, if he ignores you.

[NolaRiordan]

Lots of good suggestions here. I also second the suggestion about having someone there with you. My X is a TOTALLY different person when someone else is there. He can't have anyone else witness the way he behaves around me.

Also, do your LOs go to day care or preschool? You could perhaps do trade off there so one of you drops them off and the other picks them up. We did exchanges after school for a while and I thought it was great for all of us.