September Dating Thread. Let's keep it going ladies!!! - Page 3

[sugarmoon]

Money. It *is* such a hard subject.

I am seeing the Shy Commuter again, he did come forward with a decent explanation, and his last name, and after a quick google search showed me a pic that matches the last name, and nothing else of interest, I decided to go ahead and see him again. We also have the *huge* money disparity, and I felt awkward after one of our dates, when I realized that in the normal course of conversation I had mentioned something I wanted to do, when he asked me why I don't, I laughed and said I couldn't afford it. I was worried he'd felt like I might have been hinting that he should help me pay for it. I also needed to clear it up pretty early on that he'd be buying dinner, since he was picking restaurants that I can't really afford.

I think we're clear -- he has assured me that he doesn't feel like I'm hinting at anything when I mention anything about my financial woes (which I don't purposely bring up, but I also didnt' want to feel like I had to self-censor, and in talking about my life, it certainly *does* come up, naturally), and I feel okay in letting him always pay -- it a financial blip for him, where as it would be a big expense for me, and we both know that.

In other news, a good female friend of mine took me to a bonfire party where there would be a guy she knows, who I had met once, and have a huge crush on..but I was too shy to talk much, and he didn't seem terriblly interested...I don't know how, or if, to pursue it.

[LoveOhm]

okay SugarMoon I am intrigued what was Shy Commuters explination? I was understanding of the situation but that is more so because I am a very private person and online dating seems to be the opposite of private.... that said I do think as women we should listen to our intuition. I am glad it is going well for the two of you.

With the new guy do you have any idea when you will see him again? Or a way for you to create a chance encounter.....? I think try to run into him looking really nice and throw out some reason you two should stay in touch then the ball is in his court. If you cannot create a chance encounter you could just ask your friend to set you two up... but that is not my favorite way.

[LoveOhm]

oops double post

[sugarmoon]

Loveohm, it was another woman -- something he described as on again-off again, kind of dysfunctional. According to him it had been off and going nowhere for a few months when he put up his online profile and met me, but then she called him and wanted to spend the weekend together.

I really don't care. We had only been on 2 dates at that point (now only 3), so exclusivity is NOT required. Calling him out on this also opened the door to a good, clear conversation about what each of us is looking for right now. I said, plain and simple, that I don't want to be a one time thing for anyone, but I also have no interest in becoming part of a "couple" right now -- I am SO busy with work/school/kids, and that is where my focus NEEDS to be, for the next couple of years. So his busy schedule is actually a plus for me -- he doesn't need/want/have time to see me all the time. Once a week is the MOST that he can do, and it will probably usually be much less. But he sends me sweet emails most every day.

I also had a dream about the other guy...what did I call him??? The one I had breakfast with the morning after my first date with Shy Commuter. Anyway, he was in my dream last night, so I emailed him this morning and he wrote right back, so we might have coffee later this week, when I'm up in his town.

As for the RL guy, LoveOhm, I don't know. I am TERRIBLE at this, in RL, it is part of what I like about online dating, there's no need for pretense about spending time together. The mutual friend went to college with him, but isn't really close to him anymore, he is more friends with other friends of hers, so it would be odd for her to set us up. She is willing to invite him to stuff that I'll be at though, and vice versa. There's a chance I can come up with a reason to contact him -- he runs the after school program in one of our more "troubled" towns around here, and I am the volunteer coordinator for a program that helps new moms in that town -- I'm trying to think of a project the the middles school age kids could do to help our program (and a good reason WHY I'd want them, not some other groups, to do it!).

Any other ideas on how to go forward with that are more than welcome!!

[Devaya]

Sugarmoon, having two guys on the scene (well, at least as a possiblity) sounds exciting but kind of complicated...dont think I've had anything like that since I was in my early 20's and childless! I can relate to what you said about not wanting to be 'part of a couple'. I wish I'd articulated that to myself b/f getting involved with Musician Guy - bc he just wants far more from me than I can give. He';s being all intense and dramatic again. It's like he wants me to sort his issues out and be his therapist (even tho he already has a good therapist)...its such a shame cos we had such a good weekend recently but this last weekend all those feelings of wanting to get away from him, that i had before, were back in full force - and I also went to support him at a gig and didn't like his music - I don't know if I can be with someone whose artistic expression I find cringeable - sounds totally judgmental probably but it just isn't a turn on.

Anyway, today we are having a text back and forth thing and he asked me to suggest something I could do to 'help him with his issues' (his mother stuff and hang ups about his attractiveness) and I just thought, geez, this is reminding me of my first boyfriend who I stayed with for ages b/c I felt he needed me and he was also so suffocating and full of 'issues'. I dont need to walk down tht road again. I mean, I have issues too of course but I tend not to make them my partner's problem as far as I can help it. So I told him this is not working, he's a lovely guy but things just don't feel right, and I don't really want to talk on the phone bc it just ends up being a big dramatic drawn out discussion that leaves me drained. I just cant believe it's only been 8 weeks - not even - that I've been seeing him. It feels like months and months.

[mimim]

Originally Posted by sugarmoon

Loveohm, it was another woman -- something he described as on again-off again, kind of dysfunctional. According to him it had been off and going nowhere for a few months when he put up his online profile and met me, but then she called him and wanted to spend the weekend together.

sugarmoon, I wouldn't get too attached to this guy if I were you. An on and off again relationship often ends up on again. There's something making him stick by her even with the unsteadiness of their relationship.

[Seie]

Hi all
Good to see you all still dating and - Butterfly - great to see that you are still with BF - you really deserve it. About money then I have always been open about my financial situation. BF (Manager) earns a lot more than I do but he also has greater expenses for housing, child support, debt from an appartment he bought with his ex when prices were high and that they now cant sell without loosing a large sum of money they dont have so we just generally try to keep expenses down. I allowed him to pay the first couple of times we went out but after that I offered to pay my own half - just seemed fair to me. I hope you solve it without problems.

Loveohm - Agent sounds a bit like Manager sigh. Been with him for almost 8 months and on paper we really fit - but - its just not big big love for me. I think he knows that. But for now he is a great support and definately scrapes ice.

Update from here is - very short - im still unemployed and have recently been diagnosed with depression. I started Zoloft a few days ago and already seem to feel a bit better (just a bit - we will see). Next step is finding a therapist. Manager has stuck by through all this, how I dont know. Why cant I freaking fall in love with THAT guy? Totally not fair.
Anyway am hoping that meds and therapy will help me get my life back on track.
Thoughts to everyone.

[goodygumdrops]

delete.

[mimim]

goodygumdrops, your situation is difficult. I think you should be able to date if your boundaries are really well established with your h. Maybe you could wait to get involved with this guy until after the semester is done? That would give you a chance to think things through and would avoid complications that might arise if you have to finish the class if things don't work out between the two of you. You might also want to research the policy on student/teacher dating at your school.

So, I had a blind (internet - I was trying to resist doing that again, but I caved) date last night. We had stuff in common and a good conversation, but he did one thing that is one of my biggest dating pet peeves. At the end of our meal, I went to the bathroom. Before I left the table, I told him that if the server brought the check, he should not pay it, because I wanted to split the bill. When I got back a few minutes later, he had paid already. I guess he thought it was a nice thing to do, but I don't feel good about him doing the opposite of what I asked. It feels disrespectful and I really like to pay my own way on dates. Otherwise, it was fine. Nothing exciting.

I have another first date today. We'll see how it goes. As usual, I'm not expecting much, but wish me luck anyway!

Editing to add: Ugh. Now I'm feeling too bummed to go out tonight. I will anyway, but I hope I cheer up by the time I'm meeting this guy. After I broke up with my bf in August, I got rid of everything he ever gave me, pictures, and emails, etc. But today I was digging through my drawer where I keep random things and I found an item that I missed. He had a notepad on his fridge for shopping lists and on it I had written "Molly loves (his name)" and surrounded those words with a heart. One time as I was leaving his place after we'd been fighting I ripped it off the pad and took it home with me and put it in that drawer.

I know I should throw this relic away too. But I kept it. Break ups are hard. Even when you know they are the right thing to do.

[JohnnysGirl]

Devaya - it sounds like you know what to do. If it's not worth it, it's not worth it.

seie - I hope the treatment works wonders and you are able to start seeing the past, present and future more clearly. You know how I feel about LL and what he put you through during your relationship and a truly cruel dumping, and how much I long for you to heal from that heartbreak. I love you & badly want you to shed the shroud of depression you've been under, and wish nothing but smiles and happiness for you and your little ones.

goodygumdrops - Wow, sticky one. No helpful comments spring to mind, unfortunately.

mimim - why is it that you only enjoy dutch dating?

sugarmoon - that's also my favorite part of online dating. You can kind of shed the pretext of 'oh I'm not looking for anything at all' that is the only verified 'cool' standpoint for anyone to admit to, and actually comfortably be open about the fact that you're open to meeting someone, for something. And actively taking steps to that end, even. and it's not mortifying because everyone on the site is doing the same thing. Any updates with your crush?

As for me, I'm starting to lose my cool with Mr. Cool As A Cucumber. Yes, he's still a Sweetie Sweeterson, but MCAAC is going to be his new Moniker, I've decided. He manages to seem simultaneously completely happy to be with me as much as possible, whilst also being completely laid back and un-obsessed about things altogether.
I'm a neurotic, crazy woman, who doesn't deserve this nerves-of-steel, thoroughly balanced man.
He doesn't hold back physically. He can't hold me, caress me (& pull me close & hold me tight, kiss me tenderly, stare into my eyes, etc, during our intimate moments) like that if he would be feeling lukewarm about things in a 'I could take her or leave her' sort of way.
But then his texts are polite & formal as you'd speak to a client, he never volunteers any sweetnesses verbally. Not a compliment, not a 'I like you' not a 'I missed you' not anything at all. He's mum, or we talk about common interests or small talk.
But if my mood falters or I sigh or my expression drops from cheerful to not-quite-as-cheerful, he jumps in there with lightning speed and won't listen to me deny it if I am sad, he knows that I'm lying, sees straight through it, and pulls me into his lap and makes everything okay. Some of you know I have heavy stuff in my life. In his arms, I can cry it out a little, and he kisses my tears away and holds on tight and tells me not to ever apologize for my moments of not-being-so-tough. I don't know how I'll go back to going through my life alone, without any empathetic, tangible support, after experiencing his loving embrace and sympathetic ear for just two months.
But it's not just that he's supportive. He smiles with his eyes as well as his grin. He's a good man. He is quick to laugh, we can talk about anything for hours, and he's so obviously always got at least one ice scraper in his hand and one in his back pocket, ready to go, that it's practically a spoof charicature of every 'good guy with a heart of gold that you're supposed to love' in every romantic comedy ever made. He is cheeky, edgy, and ironic at times, but usually just so even tempered, so even-keeled, that if you look up 'emotional stability' in the dictionary, there is his mugshot. Handsome, intelligent, warm, talented, and fireworks are there and then some.

But he won't say anything romantic. If I say that 'I really like you,' he'll respond with ' I like you, too' and if I say, 'I've missed you,' he'll say, 'yes, me too' but nothing instigated from his end. I start to wonder if he's an android when it comes to human emotion, and if his perfection on staying so balanced and non-dramatic comes from lack of feelings. But I don't really believe that. He just doesn't express. Almost whatsoever. The physical connection is the only time I feel he adores me, and then it is usually me who initiates, and even that (great physical intimacy) he admits isn't that important to him, but a nice 'bonus.'

I have gone on and on to him before about how I really have a hard time imagining how he handles being around me, someone who's 'all over the place' with moods and charisma, energy and ideas. I have insisted that his perfect match surely must be a very down-to-earth, laid-back/easygoing female version of him, someone he could relax with, and hit a perfectly tempo-ed stride with, and he's laughed and said, "Now wouldn't that be boring!" He's insisted that he's met plenty of ladies like that, and they were perfectly nice gals, etc, but things were just boring and didn't go anywhere because he had no interest in pursuing them.

In the long run, I need a guy to be able to step up and vocalize what thoughts are behind those pretty eyes, what moods and desires, hopes and dreams are happening between those ears. I need to be able to have an active give & take, communication happening on every front. Sometimes you need someone special in your life to be able to come up with a few sentences of encouragement or comiseration or something, and it makes you feel understood and gives you food for thought. Or is that what female friends are for?

I'm already in love. I'm hoping he can slowly learn to compromise. He admits that every other lady he's ever known has had the same issue with him and it's been a real problem. He says that he's willing to try, but it won't happen overnight. Do people really change, though? 33 years of being this way. Sweet, calm, stable, but closed as a clam when it comes to verbal communication. I'm the polar opposite (if you're read this far, you know that). What to do?

[mommy_to_2angels]

New to the forum

It's late iin the month to even start in on this thread, I am sure, but... I am anyway. I got out of a 6 year emotionally abusive relationship 10 months ago with the help of a friend. That same friend stood by my side the next 2 months after the breakup and although neither of us were looking for it, feelings beyond friendship developed. I can't tell you when it became official, because we didn't really discuss it, it just kinda happened.

This same man has taken on the father responsibility towards my 16 month old and my 5 year old, where the father has failed repeatedly. We both work to make sure the father and the children see each other, but my significant other is the constant male influence in their lives and they adore him. He generally hates children, but adores mine (because they mean so much to me, he says).

He also treats me like a princess and looks at me like nothing could possibly touch him deeper than his feelings for me. After 6 years of emotional hell, it's refreshing not to feel like someone is always checking up on me, he doesn't even entertain the idea that I might cheat (unlike my ex who was always accusing me of it). He sees and adores me for what I am, and accepts all the "baggage" (my word, not his lol) that comes with me without batting an eye. What I want to know, is why couldn't this man have come along 7 years ago?

[mimim]

Originally Posted by Butterflymom

Do people really change, though?

No, they don't often change. I think you'll have to accept this about him. If he meets your needs in non-verbal ways, then maybe you can focus on his actions instead of his words. He sounds very supportive of your feelings when you are in need. You might have to be supportive of his need to stay quiet most of the time.

As for paying my own way, for me it is important to be financially independent. I think that the tradition of men paying on dates originates from the time when women were forced to be dependent on men. Not that I think most people have thought of it from that perspective, but I do believe that it perpetuates the concept of women as "the weaker sex". Plus, If I am going to be with someone, it is because I like them and I want to be with them, not because of what I can get out of them. I've told a guy or two, "Don't worry. It's free. I like it too." If I'm dating somebody and they want to do things that I can't afford, then I have no problem with letting them know that they will have to pay if they want me to join them. But just your average mid to low cost restaurant? I want to split the expense on that.

I told my date last night the story about the clandestine check payer and his response was that it was disrespectful of me. Yay! Major points for him. I'm definitely gonna see the guy from last night again. I'm not yet sure if we are compatible, but he was good enough for me to be willing to take some time to get to know him a bit.

mommy_to_2angels, I'm so glad your perfect man came into your life! It is too bad you didn't meet him sooner, but aren't you glad you have him now?

[mommy_to_2angels]

Perfection in a man (Oxymoron? I hope not LOL)

Originally Posted by mimim

mommy_to_2angels, I'm so glad your perfect man came into your life! It is too bad you didn't meet him sooner, but aren't you glad you have him now?

Oh I am more grateful than you can imagine. I don't know that it will stay perfect forever. But he is perfect for who I am now and for the foreseeable future. My childhood probably jaded me, but I have a hard time viewing any relationship as perfect. But let me say this, he is as perfect a man as I can imagine. He knows what I want, what I need without me saying anything. He treats me with love and adoration and treats my children the same. He is willing to help support them when he has extra. He is a true gentleman and an old soul. And to top it all off, he's a handsome and energetic man who can keep up with the kids and still have time and energy for me.

[momanderson]

I put my profile back up on POF a week ago or so. I have been chatting with one guy who seems normal, we have a few things in common. He is newly seperated and just looking for friends really, which is fine with me as I am really just looking for the same.

Paramedic and I are still in contact. He called me last Monday to inquire about some of my facebook status updates. I told him exactly how I feel, that I am in love with him, miss him, hate that he is not part of my life everyday, and I cried like a baby. He didn't have a lot to say. Only that he had to end things because he would only keep hurting me. Then he called again Friday night, and we chatted a bit. He asked if I had any plans for next weekend when I don't have the kids. I said no not yet! He seemed a bit taken aback by that answer! well dear you set me free, I am free to make plans with other guys He asked me to please not make any plans for Sunday. We are going to do something. I have no idea what, but he asked several times that I please not make other plans. I am interested to see what it is we're doing! I don't know if this is a date, I hope it is. Either way I love spending time with him.
I know all my irl friends do not approve of me seeing him at all but I'm not ready to cut him outta my life just yet.........I know him on a different level than they do and see a lot more to him than they do.
Hopefully I won't have a crappy/sad update for you all next week!!

[JohnnysGirl]

momanderson, why are you putting yourself through this? You're just training (enabling & encouraging) him to treat you like a yo-yo.
You deserve better but you'll never get it from this guy or any other until you believe in that yourself first & start holding men (& the treatment you expect to get from them) to a much higher standard.

[mimim]

Originally Posted by momanderson

Paramedic and I are still in contact. He called me last Monday to inquire about some of my facebook status updates. I told him exactly how I feel, that I am in love with him, miss him, hate that he is not part of my life everyday, and I cried like a baby. He didn't have a lot to say. Only that he had to end things because he would only keep hurting me. Then he called again Friday night, and we chatted a bit. He asked if I had any plans for next weekend when I don't have the kids. I said no not yet! He seemed a bit taken aback by that answer! well dear you set me free, I am free to make plans with other guys He asked me to please not make any plans for Sunday. We are going to do something. I have no idea what, but he asked several times that I please not make other plans. I am interested to see what it is we're doing! I don't know if this is a date, I hope it is. Either way I love spending time with him.
I know all my irl friends do not approve of me seeing him at all but I'm not ready to cut him outta my life just yet.........I know him on a different level than they do and see a lot more to him than they do.
Hopefully I won't have a crappy/sad update for you all next week!!

If you don't cut him out of your life, you will go around and around in circles with this guy and possibly end up getting very hurt. Listen to your friends. They can see the red flags that are obscured from you by your emotions.

[sugarmoon]

Originally Posted by Devaya

he asked me to suggest something I could do to 'help him with his issues' (his mother stuff and hang ups about his attractiveness) and I just thought, geez, this is reminding me of my first boyfriend who I stayed with for ages b/c I felt he needed me and he was also so suffocating and full of 'issues'. I dont need to walk down tht road again.

Nope, you don't. (((hugs))) Doesn't make it easier though.

Originally Posted by mimim

sugarmoon, I wouldn't get too attached to this guy if I were you. An on and off again relationship often ends up on again. There's something making him stick by her even with the unsteadiness of their relationship.

Oh, I know. I'm not attached to this guy. Actually, I'm starting to worry that he's going to get more attached to me than I want him too -- this weekend was the first in a few, and the last for a while, that he was free, but I didn't see him, because (and you can all roll your eyes at me now...) I spent all the free time I had to spend with ATG. Yep. Him. Still. And no, not as anything more than friends. But we had an awesome day, in every way (serious conversation, tears, joking, sillyness, music, taking photos, coffee shop, bar, skinny dipping, doing homework, driving around...). I'm left really trying to sort it all out in my head. And one possible answer is that I'm just not really ready to be dating anyone. That I'm more comfortable, more relaxed, more able to be myself when I'm not with someone I'm "dating".

I don't know. But that's where I am, right now.

Originally Posted by Seie

Why cant I freaking fall in love with THAT guy? Totally not fair.
Anyway am hoping that meds and therapy will help me get my life back on track.
Thoughts to everyone.

Huge hugs to you, Seie. I wish I had any words of wisdom that could ease this for you.

Originally Posted by Butterflymom

I'm already in love. I'm hoping he can slowly learn to compromise. He admits that every other lady he's ever known has had the same issue with him and it's been a real problem. He says that he's willing to try, but it won't happen overnight. Do people really change, though? 33 years of being this way. Sweet, calm, stable, but closed as a clam when it comes to verbal communication. I'm the polar opposite (if you're read this far, you know that). What to do?

Give it more time, sweetie. It's still so new. No, you can't expect him to change, completely, but in time, he can certainly learn to give you a little more in the verbal area, and you can learn to trust the nonverbal. I think time, and patience, are all you need, here.

Originally Posted by mimim

If you don't cut him out of your life, you will go around and around in circles with this guy and possibly end up getting very hurt. Listen to your friends. They can see the red flags that are obscured from you by your emotions.

Yes. That. I'm so sorry, hon. I know how hard it is. And I also know that I might well sound like the pot calling the kettle black, since I just said I'm hanging out with ATG all the time now, again, now that his gf ended things. And my friends all raise their eyebrows when I say that he and I are studying together, but really, that's it. He hasn't jerked me around. He said he wanted to be my friend, and he is being my friend. My feelings might still be a little more complicated than that, but he's clean. I just don't think the same is true of the Paramedic, especially since he KNOWS you want more than friends.

[Devaya]

momanderson, hugs to you. That sounds really tough. A friend of a friend showed me this book called 'Why men love bitches' (I know, I know, offputting title) and I read some of it - what really stuck with me was the concept that YOU are the prize, YOU are the one worth wanting and waiting for - to have that in your head instead of trying to win a guy. For what it's worth - I know it's hard to put into practice. But I'm working on that too, b/c I often get caught up in a guy and obsessed with him, and find it hard to let go of the feelings.

Butterflymom, I have also often wondered if guys can change after a lifetime of being a certain way, communicating a certain way. All I know is a close friend met a guy who has been so open and changed a LOT in the five months they've been dating, b/c he's so in love with her he's willing to be open to new ways - not b/c she is coercing him or trying to convince him to change, but b/c he sees the way SHE is, and wants to join her there if you know what I mean - i.e. emotionally literate etc. So...you never know. I personally gave up on two past 4 year relats b/c I could see they were never going to fundamentally change, so now I am trying to go for guys that are already closely approximating what I want!

So I broke up with Musician Guy last Wed. and we are still friends but to be honest I have no desire to see him. I felt this HUGe weight lifted off me....and know I made the right choice. I had four days childfree (highly unusual) this last weekend and it was GREAT, I had some time with friends in another city and really did my thing...and I met someone else. There was an instant, I mean INSTANT click (which seemed to be mutual), unlike with M.D. who I was always trying to convince myself was good for me but really should have just stayed friends with. I'll call this guy The Accountant.

Anyway he is really cute, really funny - made me laugh loads - and we connected on a couple of subjects dear to my heart. He also likes a lot of the same music as I do and is equally passionate about music. He asked me back to his in a half joking way but in an amazing act of self control I said no - so we've just kissed and cuddled but that's it. Anyway he got my no. from the mutual friend we met through, and has been sending me text messages a lot - not in a stalker way, just in that we're having a nice text conversation. He's coming down to see me (we live in diff cities about an hour apart) this weekend...nervous and excited! It just feels fun to have some romantic intrigue going on, whatever happens. We might turn out to be totally not right for each other, but I'm just going to play it by ear and see, and take it slowly. It's prob a bit 'rebound' from Musician Guy but I never really felt 'it' with him anyway.

[incorrigible]

ok...so, i made a passing comment on another thread, and Slugmom wanted more info. instead of hijacking that thread, i'm bringing it here. background first. I started dating one of my oldest dearest friends last winter. he's been totally there for the kids and i through everything we've been through over the years, but always a totally platonic friend with no hint of any interest. we both always thought the other didn't think of us like that. we finally started hinting at feelings when i moved back to the area a bit over a year ago. he was basically biding his time until the kids and i were stable enough to handle a relationship. when he saw that was the case, he asked me out. things just fell together perfectly and smoothly on the relationship front. he asked me to marry him a few months ago. We are getting married by Elvis in Las Vegas in October.

Slugmom was asking how the transition is going....

The transition with the new partner is a bit of a rollercoaster ride at times, but mostly really great. He's one of my oldest and dearest friends. We've been buddies since we were in our mid teens. The kids already knew him, as he's often on the same group camping trips and at bbqs/parties/etc. He also doesn't have any kids...no siblings so no nieces/nephews/etc...and what little family he has is really emotionally distant (and was when he was a kid too). While this warm, loving family we have going is totally his dream...he's COMPLETELY out of his element. lol

Our biggest growing pains are mostly over general lifestyle, or the kids n my past. Pretty much anything that falls into healthy, involved parenting...is totally foreign to him. Not only is it not how he was raised, but the few friends he has that are parents...well, they're basically the worst examples of parents. Our responsible friends don't have kids. Mostly, it's the really irresponsible ones that were too high to care about protection w an equally high stranger that have kids...and most of them have little to no contact with said kids. =/ Chuckles is one of the responsible ones, don't worry. =D I made sure he was VERY clear on what he was getting into, and he's 100% on board w attachment parenting. It's kind of surreal for him though. From his view, attachment parenting feels more like some kind of theoretical, and totally impossible, ideal. People SHOULD be like that, but no one really IS. To live it is awkward and foreign. He's enthusiastic though...just adjusting to being able to be a happy family instead of the angry ones he's used to.

Then there's our past. The kids both have PTSD from their dad's grand finale of parenting, where he kidnapped and tortured them nearly to death. Right before he was located, he tied up an out of state court with falsified documents and legal proceedings for months before they figured it out and returned the kids. Then, 10 days before the hearing where he was to be remanded into custody, he turned up dead! The kids and I are a special kind of mess. It's been a year and a half since their dad died, and they're still receiving medical treatment for some of the more severe physical abuses. They've had a LOT of help, and are incredibly well adjusted, to the outside eye. To be a father figure in their life, though, is taking on a lot. There are a lot of landmines out there, you know? And having a father figure that treats them right has forced them to confront a lot of what their dad did to them. Before Chuckles got involved, they kind of just avoided thinking about a lot of things. We have (and will have more) a good deal of acting out when feelings are being addressed. Everyone is MUCH happier and healthier though, and more and more so as all that emotional weight gets cleared out of our systems. We've all three had a specific totally overwhelming experience, too. It's a turning point. That first just totally perfect day, where from morning to night, we had everything we've ever wanted. The happy family outings and love and joy...and just NOTHING to taint any of it. And it was different days for each of us. We had so ingrained ourselves to find the good, to find joy and not worry about the imperfections. When that day came that was effortlessly joyful with NO imperfections of any kind, it was totally overwhelming. We just cried. Bawled and sobbed our hearts out. Poor Chuckles was terrified by it, each and every time. lol We may complain. We may act out. We may even whine sometimes....but we don't cry. Anything that comes up is so small compared to our past experiences, it seems too trivial to cry over. But it's the end of the night and we're giving hugs. And it just explodes out. I don't think a one of us lasted less than half an hour straight.

It's been HARD...but in such an indescribably good and cleansing way. We are all lighter and happier than we've ever been.

[mommy_to_2angels]

Incorrigible,
My goodness, what you went through is something else altogether and I admire your strength. It sounds like you've got a great one, and that's wonderful. You deserve it.

Although my situation doesn't even come close to what you went through. The man I am with is the same. He has zero experience with children, doesn't even like them really. Lol. But he is incredible with mine. He's a knight-in-shining-armor type, and I know that I am very fortunate to have him. He handles the children's problems like a champ, from my daughter's fear of liking him because she thinks her daddy won't love her to my son's 4 molars coming in all at once. It's everything I hoped for but never expected.

Anyway, I hope that everything works out for you all. After all they've gone through, your children deserve a good man in their lives who will love and cherish them as much as their mommy does. I hope that you have many many many more perfect days.