HELP with this transition from school/home!

[beebalmmama]

So I wrote on here a few weeks back about my 5 yr ds. He just started kindergarten this year and at school everything is going great. He is very reserved, high spirited (at home), intense, introverted......just pretty challenging over all. He actually was a pretty mellow kid until he turned 4.
Anyway he never takes to changes very well and we've had a lot this last year. We moved a year ago, new baby brother (now 9 months) and now kindergarten.

We've had a pretty intense year and just recently have gotten so frustrated with him. Nothing seems to work, well some of the time but the same issues are there.

I've been reading Mary Kurcinka's books and have gotten some good insight. Some of this we were already aware of and have been doing, but still some "new" stuff for us to try and which we have been recently.

Our biggest "trigger" with ds lately seems to be the transition from school to home. He goes to the same school that dh teaches and so he hangs out in dh's classroom each morning and afternoon for about 45 min each. So it's quite a long day. We try to keep that time as down time, he plays, watches a pbs show, free computer time etc.....
The problems start when they drive up...... We have even tried forewarning about coming home. We'll be home soon and we're both getting out of the car, no "being first", we're not "going to boss dad", "we'll need to roll up the window" etc. Yesterday he sat in the car screaming at dh to get back in. That he wanted to be first to get out (this is always a battle with him). He didn't want to roll the window up (also a continuing battle). He ended up on the floor board of the car crying/screaming for the next 30 minutes or so. He didn't want me or the baby to come out because he didn't want us to see him. Later when he got it under control (dh and him went straight out for a bike ride) he kept telling me it didn't happen (denial about it -he does this a lot too) This is almost a daily occurence and it doesn't seem to matter what we do. I did the same forewarning a few days ago and it seemed to work.....you just never know.

I've been thinking he needs to get some physical activity out, but the other day I couldn't convince him to go for a bike ride/walk/ jumping around on the mini trampoline. Even though in the car ride home these were the activities he said he wanted to do.

We've also tried discussing/problem solving with him (during a calm time later on) about how to come up with a solution. He usually says he doesn't know or just won't talk about it or listen. We still try to offer some solutions and this has worked a few other times, but doesn't seem to be helping for this new transition time.

Any ideas!!!

[spmamma]

I've on my fourth (I think) read of Raising Your Spirited Child... so my advice will likely come from that point of view.

What I've found with my DD is that when something is important to her, she gets incredibly insistent about it. She's so persistent that once she's negotiated as much as she can, she'll sometimes falls into hysterics. She has a real need to do things a certain way.

Most of the time, these things that are important to her (getting in/out of the car a certain way, bringing X number of dolls in the car, etc.) might be a minor inconvenience to me but it wouldn't really hurt anything to say "yes" instead of insisting on doing it my way. So I just let a lot of things go and life is much smoother.

It sounds like your DS is having trouble with transitions, and is probably a rather persistent kid like mine. Could your DH try to prep him with more positive statements and alternatives on the way home like: "The windows need to be rolled up when we get home, would you like to help me?" or "I know you want to be first, but I need to get out of the car to unbuckle your seatbelt. Would you like to be the first one through the door of the house instead?" Or if he can unbuckle his own seatbelt, can your DH just let him get out first if it's not a safety issue?

As to the physical activity issue, I've discovered that DD needs to get outside to play every day or her body starts buzzing and her behavior deteriorates. Most days she's perfectly willing to head outside for a walk, a trip to the park, or just to play in the backyard. But other days when she's engrossed in an activity she'll tell me that she doesn't want to go outside. In those instances I tell her that we will be going outside for a while because it's good for out bodies, but that we don't have to go right away. I help her find a good stopping point in whatever she's doing, then we get ready to go out with the understanding that we'll come back later to finish the activity she was working on. This is usually enough to make her willing to go outside, and once she's out doing whatever she's having a blast.

You mentioned at the end of your post that he doesn't really respond when you try to problem solve with him and you mention at the beginning that he's an introvert. Perhaps you can talk to him about the problem when he's calm then ask him to think about a solution. Let him know that you'd like to meet up again after dinner, or the next morning, or some later time to discuss his ideas. My DD is more of an extrovert, but I remember reading in the RYSC book that introverts often need time alone to think about things before being ready to talk. Maybe that's what your DS needs too?

I hope I was able to help you even a little bit! Many hugs to you!!

[ssh]

Is he getting a snack after his school day ends or even in the car? That's just a really long day. It sounds like a reaction to feeling stressed. I'm not surprised he doesn't have any answers later on he sounds so stressed he probably feels completely out of control of his own feelings and behavior. Does he like painting? My DD, almost 5, seems to find painting a big stress reliever. Is the getting out first a safety issue? I know I wouldn't want my DD out of her car seat her door before my was open. Have they tried stopping by a park on the way home, maybe combined with a snack? During his entire long day events are controlled by other people, maybe his insistence on getting out first and not closing the window are so important because he needs to exert some control himself. Maybe after being with people and having such a long busy day he just needs to let all the built up stress out by having a tantrum alone in the car.

I'm probably not much help, but I do hope it gets better.

[foehnjye]

Originally Posted by beebalmmama

The problems start when they drive up...... We have even tried forewarning about coming home. We'll be home soon and we're both getting out of the car, no "being first", we're not "going to boss dad", "we'll need to roll up the window" etc. Yesterday he sat in the car screaming at dh to get back in. That he wanted to be first to get out (this is always a battle with him). He didn't want to roll the window up (also a continuing battle). He ended up on the floor board of the car crying/screaming for the next 30 minutes or so. He didn't want me or the baby to come out because he didn't want us to see him. Later when he got it under control (dh and him went straight out for a bike ride) he kept telling me it didn't happen (denial about it -he does this a lot too) This is almost a daily occurence and it doesn't seem to matter what we do.

Any ideas!!!

My first thought when I read this is that your son is probably doing a really good job of holding himself together throughout his long days at school, but when he comes home he is in need of two things: decompressing, and gaining control.

Being in school is a huge new change that may be leaving him feeling vulnerable and out of control of all the many things that take place during the day. He's getting up early, being at school early, learning his new routine, being shuffled from one task to another, and probably in and out of places at the school. He has to sit down when told to, hush up when told to, be told when to go out and play, when to listen, when to eat, etc. All these things are probably contributing to a huge feeling that he is not in control of his day. When he comes home he is once again entering his comfort place--the place where he probably knows what he has control of, and probably experimenting with how he can gain more. In addition, he probably has a very real need for some time to decompress and let go of all the things that have happened throughout the day, many of which he probably cannot even process given his age and emotional maturity.

Find out what things you and your DH can give him control of, so he's in the driver's seat, so to speak, for his first little bit of time at home. Can he open the garage door and shut it? Can he be in charge of when the windows go up? Can he be the first one in the door? These are little things that adults may find threatening, but which will likely make him feel huge.

Crying for 30 minutes is clearly an example of a little one needing to get out his feelings, despite the cause of the crying. Like a baby, his vocabulary is still limited, and crying is still going to help him to express his emotions related to school. If he already lost the control of being first out of the car and leaving the windows open, that may have been all he needed to just really let it all out. Can you talk to DH to come up with ways to make him feel big and powerful and in control when he first comes home? Also, if your DH is simply exhausted after a long day, too, try to help him to understand that these attempts to gain control by your son are not really aimed at your DH. If your DH can in any way help him to feel like he has control over these things he wants to control, I'll bet that you'll see these issues subside pretty quickly.

Good luck!

[crowcaw]

This is probably a long shot for you but I had the same problem spot with my twins around 4.5. We'd pull into the driveway and they'd freak about something (not the same thing everyday) and not get out and eventually both want to be carried into the house and I couldn't take one and then get the other without the one left freaking even more and carrying two 50 lbers at the same time wasn't going to happen.... It wasn't that they needed a snack because school pick up was right after lunch. It was just the release of pent up emotion I think. Anyway, what I finally stumbled upon that made it work was telling a story on the way home that I would have to be finished inside. They were interested enough in the story to want to get inside to hear the end of it so we'd get into the house smoothly and then we'd sit together while I finished it and the whole transition became so much easier. I did it for a couple months I think and the driveway tantrums didn't reoccur once we weren't telling stories. I don't know if this would work for most kids, but mine are real story hounds and stories get us through a lot rough patches. I agree with what pps have said about the need to express feelings and decompress, but somehow if we got into the house without a fit the rest of the day went better too so once we could manage that they were somehow finding a way to release their tension and take control without the tantrum.

[beebalmmama]

Thanks so much everyone for the the words of encouragement and advice.

spamma, Thank you for that post. Yes, ds is very persistent and after ready Kurcinka, I can see that even more. The rushing to get him to finish something, when he's in the middle of wanting to do/say something only makes it worse. I do think dh could frame it a bit more positively. I don't hear him in the car but at home he has a bossier tone with dh than I do. But I think I've got to get dh to read the books, he's not really taking advice from me right now very well.

I also think ds needs more time to get some energy out. I've mentioned it to dh but will mention it again, to get ds out on the playground for 10 minutes or so before they head home.

ssh, Yes, one thing he does get is a snack in dad's classroom.

foehnjye Being in control is a big thing and I can see that. But it's tough when it becomes unreasonable. I'm wondering if the forewarning worked for me the other day because I asked him what he needed to do to be first. Whereas I have a feeling dh gave him forewarning as in directed him on what was and was not going to happen. I offered giving ds a key to the house that he can put on his own keychain, so he can get out and be the one to open the door.

crowcaw This might be something for dh to try. They are currently doing a lot of reading at night from chapter books, which ds LOVES! Maybe I'll talk to dh about the idea of starting to review the last chapter in the car, while getting to read the next chapter once they get home.....may or may not work but worth a try. Or otherwise let dh get creative and come up with some stories.

[alfabetsoup]

He sounds exhausted and hungry to me. *Disclaimer* my kid is not high needs but that is how she acts when she is at the end of her tether. 2 days of late bedtimes and one late meal will do that to her and she goes from being a compliant angel to a sobbing mass of screams and everything you do is wrong, wrong, wrong.

He's just started school--the toll it takes on their little bodies is unbelievable. I'd move his bedtime at least half an hour earlier and make sure he's getting A LOT to eat, especially high protein low sugar stuff, eggs and whole milk and oatmeal. I wouldn't give him a snack after school, I'd give him another lunch, a sandwich, an apple and a glass of milk (or whatever suits you). It wouldn't bother me if he didn't eat much dinner though, I don't know if that's a concern for you.