This is going to keep happening, isn't it?

[sagewinna]

Well meaning people who, upon hearing we are foster adopting, pulling out their worse stories. It is reminding me of being largely pregnant and hearing about someone's 500 hour labor with a baby with a 25" head.

Someone spent a long time telling me about a friend's adopted child who went on to become a gang member, had FAS and... He went on to say that maybe it really isn't nurture that makes someone who they are and this guy was just destined to become a criminal.

He did realize toward the end that he had stepped in it. He is not the first who has pulled out a story about a friend who adopted and all the problems and trouble they had.

I am thinking we're going to keep hearing the stories long after we adopt. What has been your experience?

[krisnic]

I was once talking to a person (who I do not consider a friend) about how I wanted to work in adoption. He said: "Oh, you can get them at the beginning and my mom will get them later on". I asked what she did - she's a probation officer. I wanted to strangle him.

[marsupial-mom]

I haven't gotten a ton of those, but I've gotten a few. The ones that drive me crazy are the people who say things about my baby's birthmother. I feel like they have no right. She's family now whether anyone likes it or not, and no one gets to talk sh-t about my family (except me). But these people act like they're getting buddybuddy with me for attacking her. Drives me crazy.

I'm not friends with birthmom, I don't even know her yet, but it really makes me mad when people say things about her like they know anything at all.

I've basically just stopped saying that we're fostering. And I'm learning to redirect the conversation away from other peoples prejudices and towards other more positive things.

[RedOakMomma]

The check-out lady at our co-op (a real sourpuss) went on to tell me about how she had adopted two children from South America, and how it had been hell. Lots of details about RAD, and the whole time she looked at me with pity...obviously assuming that I'd just made the worst mistake of my life by adopting, and assuming that our child would be similarly challenged. Her children were grown now, and she went on with details about how she doesn't see them much, how they don't get along, and even (if memory serves) that she wishes she wouldn't have adopted. Nice.

...and yeah...I had dd with me. She was only a year old, but still.

Did I mention all of this was completely uninvited? That when she saw dd (Korean) and me (white), and asked "did you adopt?" she just launched into this story?.... Ugh. I wouldn't change adopting transracially, but it sure does inspire some people to start 'fessing up adoption stories (because you can't really hide that you're an adoptive family).

...another couple, in the parking lot of a grocery store, asked how much our daughter cost, and then went into a huge rant about how their plans to adopt had been spoiled by "those birthmothers" who changed their minds and only cared about money. I was stunned at some of the awful things they said, and again...dd and ds were right there.

I need to work on my "shut down this conversation ASAP" skills, I think.

[Sierra]

You know, sagewinna, this is a good time to learn this kind of stuff/have your first experiences with this kind of stuff because then you can avoid certain mistakes.

What these stories you are hearing remind me of is that people will try to make sense of their own experiences/stories by reading all kinds of crap into your experiences/stories.

So now, when your kid arrives, you know not to give anyone even the tiniest crumb of a detail about your child's history. Anything you say can and will be used against your child.

I made the mistake of sharing too much, even while staying within confidentiality limits. I so wish I would have known where that train was headed before I boarded it, as I never would have got on. So...yeah, you are right...that's where that train is headed. This will keep happening. My advice is don't feed anyone anything, as it only makes it worse.

[sagewinna]

My husband and I are all ready practicing responses so we will (hopefully) be more likely to use them instead of blurting out something we can't take back. We are lucky, our Goddaughter's parents have modelled good responses... I'm sure it's going to be challenging, especially for a talker like me!

[tiffani]

so how do you shut it down without making your child feel like it is a taboo subject?

[pumpkingirl71]

Originally Posted by tiffani

so how do you shut it down without making your child feel like it is a taboo subject?

That is the best question ever. I was wondering the same thing when we had a pretty over privacy and siblings.

To the OP, the world is strange I feel like inappropriate strangers take stock of the situation in like 3 seconds and say the world's worst thing. In my case, my daughter does have some pretty serious problems related to her adoption. Strangers tell us we are saints for saving the life of our little angel and talk about the immense joy she must bring to out life. It is probably easier to deal with at the moment, but I have seriously gone back to my car and cried

I think Sierra is right, it is good to get used to this now and start thinking of a planned response. I am four years in and still working on mine!

[Sierra]

Originally Posted by pumpkingirl71

I think Sierra is right, it is good to get used to this now and start thinking of a planned response. I am four years in and still working on mine!

Me too (five years in). I will say my responses vary a lot according to who is asking, why they are asking, whether my child is present, etc. I'm trying to learn various ways of saying, "Oh, that's not my story to share. That's my [son or] daughter's story..." but depending on how I say it and whether my son or daughter is present, I get the feeling that it could put undue pressure on them. In another thread I talked about the way that I have on occassion been open about adoption when people say things about how much my kids look like me. I feel like it can be validating for my kids to hear "Yes, she looks like both me and her birth parents," for example. That's one of the ways in which I try to give my kids the message that this isn't taboo, a big secret, and that their first parents are people with whom they can feel positive associations, etc. But in other situations, I have become much more protective of my children's stories.

[Smithie]

I get a ton of transracial-adoption horror stories AND lovefest happy-ending stories. Which is particularly jarring in light of the fact that we have not yet gotten a placement, so our son-to-be could be pink with green stripes for all anybody knows.

Honestly, with people that I care about and want to continue having a relationship with, I LIKE it when they get their fantasy scenarios out NOW, before there's a real child in the picture. If I correct or redirect, it's easier for them to take because it's all abstract at this point. I sort of feel like everybody involved in this (and for better or worse, my community IS involved right to the hilt in the daily life of all my kids and my kid-to-be) is doing some processing now that may useful to my family later.

[heatherdeg]

I'm surprised I haven't gotten a lot of that. I've had a TON of really ignorant and offensive comments, but not like the ones in this thread. Go figure... I got spared some!

So to the OP: maybe you WON'T get a ton of this...? I mean, I didn't actually go into fostering TO adopt and when we were getting into it we got a lot of the stupid "in it for the money" crap; but now that my daughter is adopted, I've never heard anything like what you're getting. So maybe once you HAVE a child adopted, maybe it won't be like that. Then again, who knows. I agree that now is the time to work out your answers--for sure; but I wouldn't bank on having to pull them out at a constant.

[JoyfamMama]

For me, the worst of all is my mother. We are very close, so this is hurting me terribly. Her big thing is that she is convinced that our foster/adopted children will sexually molest our bio child(ren). While I realize this is always a risk, we feel very strongly about our call to foster/adopt. She is certainly not the only one who is not the least supportive. All are people we know, not strangers. Is it ever ok to basically tell them to just SHUT UP, that it's none of their business, and that we are more than aware of many things that go on????