DS's behavior just makes me cry!

[slsurface]

I'm so overwhelmed and exhausted from four years of parenting DS1. He has become so agressive and his behavior is so scary sometimes that I despair that it will ever get better.

I'll try to give you a *brief* history...

He was a colicky infant with GERD who cried 20 hours a day and never slept. He has had trouble with transitions from toddler-hood. He had odd social behavior such as no stranger anxiety. He was advanced in terms of gross motor skills, but behind in fine motor and language skills. He has always been very strong willed and set in his ways. He is easy to upset and has frequent, LOOONG, and scary big tantrums. He started scratching and hitting preschool teachers last year and that's when we sought an eval. It took us another 6 months to get it and finally got a SPD dx. He's had weekly OT since 3.5. The OT has helped is fine motor skills and has incrementally improved his self-regulation.

He just turned 4 and his social behavior has gotten steadily worse, not better as we had hoped. He's started mistreating the family cat, he screams at us whenever he doesn't get what he wants. Even though we a firm with him and never give in to his tantrums, he continues to SCREAM at every little thing. He will scream incoherently or repeat the same words over and over again for a 1/2 hour or more at the top of his lungs. I am convinced that we are missing part of the puzzle. I contacted a psychologist a few weeks ago, hoping to get some answers. He's only seen her a few times.

I have also been doing research on my own and to me it appears that he might have ODD. I am concerned because he doesn't seem to have any desire to change his behavior to please us (mom and dad) like you would expect a child to. He has very little understanding of others feelings in general. He constantly argues and fights with me about every detail of our day. He always questions everything and refuses to do what I ask him to.

I also have 2mo DS2. So I'm sure some of DS1's behavior is due to the arrival of a new sibling, but many of these behaviors were going on WELL BEFORE the baby arrived. The presence of his little brother has only INTENSIFIED the behavior, not introduced new behaviors.

If any of this sounds like your kiddo, what is his/her dx? I really want to get to the bottom of DS's behaviors. I'm so tired of trying to find answers. Other people tell me that he's just being a 4yo, but I think his behavior is MUCH more extreme than anything I've observed with other 4year olds.

I plan on starting an elimination diet tomorrow to see if that will make even a little improvement. I'm going to cut out wheat/gluten first, because we eat a lot of it. I'm willing to try anything!...

I'm pretty much to the point of despair when I think of how things are. I feel like such an utter failure as a parent. I can't take my son anywhere for fear that he will erupt in anger over something trivial. I worry that he is going to get kicked out of school or worse. Or that he will never have successful social relationships.

[plantmama]

Hugs!
I just started posting in special needs the other day and already feel much better. It's so hard when your friends/ family aren't on the same page and are like "why don't you just...". It's so exhausting dealing with this!
I would say diet changes are a great idea if your ds is already in OT.
Also look into the fail safe diet, or fed up with food additives. I haven't done it but my friend has. Might be worth looking at.
That being said, I struggle with diet changes.
My ds is 6.5 and has spd. He has recently gotten very angry but has always been quite controling.
Good luck

[Emmeline II]

It sounds like my ds (now six).

We tried a family therapist for awhile and pretty much just figured out that our discipline style did not really impact his behavior; though too lenient or strict made it worse, the middle ground did not make it better, just not worse. Ds appears to have little intrinsic motivation to "do the right thing" and lacks in empathy; though these seem to have improved with medication.

Kindergarten was hell; I'll pm you the bullet list I took to the family doctor for a referral to a developmental pediatrician. Though ds' behavior at home improved immensely after a couple months of school.

So, we went to the family therapist from February to May. In June I took my bullet list to the family doctor who diagnosed ADHD/ODD on the referral form; I sent the referral form to the local children's hospital that has a clinic with a developmental pediatrician--once an appointment is had it is a full day of interdisciplinary consults and evaluations.

While waiting on the DP we had an evaluation with an occupational therapist in July; this report was very useful in communicating what ds is like, to his teacher, therapist, and psychiatrist. The OT noted his sensory issues but also said she say signs of Asperger's but she is not qualified to diagnose that.

In August ds freaked us out by playing with matches in a closed bathroom and we finally took him to a child psychiatrist. The psychiatrist diagnosed ADHD but is not ready to diagnose Asperger's yet; she also recommended "psychotherapy"; I found that the therapist she recommended does CBT and we're hoping that ds will benefit more from her than the last therapist, though she did mention how "unique" ds is in his issues. Ds is now taking Concerta.

Ds school experience this year is MUCH MUCH MUCH better than last year. Though he is still exhibiting the same "quirks," he is now redirectable. His new (charter) school is much smaller, he has a more understanding/flexable teacher and a special ed person who actually sees ds issues as something to be addressed with actions other than behavior charts. Ds is also gifted which complicated things with his last school (which is primarily concerned with working on grade level, anything beyond that they didn't care).

Edited by Emmeline II - 11/16/10 at 6:41pm

[Lilypie32]

I guess we are in the same boat. My son has very aggressive outbursts and hits, tries to choke, pulls hair, pinches, screams, slams his bedroom door over and over again, teases the cats, etc. He would take a knife (before I locked them up) and cut things like my computer wires, fan cords, etc. He is out of control quite often. The worst times are when he is tired/stressed, transitioning from say school to home, etc. He does have autism (he is verbal but delayed), sensory processing disorder, seizure disorder, ADHD, and I'm waiting on a diagnosis of ODD. He fits the criteria for ODD very well. He will purposely annoy me to no end by touching me when I ask him not to, etc.

By the end of the day I'm depressed, angry, sad, frustrated, stressed. I don't know how much more I can take. I am seriously considering meds for him at this point or I might go insane and I know he isn't happy either. I'm a single parent and dad isn't in the picture. I have NO support system. My family just doesn't get it.

The other day I had to run into the gas station to prepay for gas because after waiting in a line for 10 minutes I finally got to the pump only to find out the credit card machine at the pump was broken. So, I had to drag my screaming, aggressive, out of control kid into the store while he is hitting me and wait in line to pay. The cashier said something about my son being tired. I don't even bother to respond or react in these situations. I just want everyone to leave me the heck alone. Don't make comments and don't give me the look.

UGH!! So, I feel your pain. I have no advice. I think I need some drugs too.

[sleet76]

I'm sorry you are having such a tough time. It sounds rough on your DS, too. There are some characteristics that you describe that sound like my DS. He has ADHD, diagnosed at age 4 after trying OT for SPD, behavioral therapy, and working with a psychologist. He is doing better much now, but mostly because we decided to use Ritalin, but he can control himself very well while using that as a tool. He is happy, and we are all happy now. We can go and do things together, and I no longer have a constant worry about him hurting other people (especially his younger brother--I know how it is to have to be on guard to keep your little one safe from an out-of-control or simply clueless older sibling) Life here can be very difficult still in the mornings and evenings when he is not on meds, but the daytime hours are bliss now.

ADHD is a challenge, but for us, it had been a diagnosis that was easier to deal with than SPD (I do think he does have some sensory needs, too, but not nearly as strongly as we first thought before we moved on to an ADHD diagnosis.) I often wonder if ADHD is an entry point to the autism spectrum, as many of the quirks overlap, with ADHD symptoms being part of many people's spectrum experiences. Or maybe my son just has spectrum characteristics because he on the spectrum? I'd say that the characteristics he displays are not very concerning, nor do I think he could improve them much--he's just a quirky little guy who enjoys his own company and plays in his own little world.

[slsurface]

Thanks for the support and stories ladies. I forgot to share just how alone and isolated I feel right now, but several of you addressed that. It's so hard to deal with DS day in and day out - and I feel like there is no one I can talk to about what I'm going through. Even DH doesn't really want to talk about it and DS's behavior is causing DH and I marital stress. My mom and inlaws have no clue and neither do my friends. They mostly see DS when he is functioning well or at least on the relatively normal side. They don't see the violent outbursts and aggression that I deal with constantly.

DH took the brunt of one of DS's outbursts today while I was at the grocery with the baby. DH, who is very anti-medication, is now at the point where he thinks that DS probably needs to be medicated. I don't know if medication is the answer, but I do know that something has to change. Just like some of you mentioned, I feel like DS's behavior is making me mentally unsound. I feel unregulated, scattered, and anxious all the time. I can't stop thinking about what is going to happen with all this...I sure hope that we can get some answers soon.

[Emmeline II]

Originally Posted by slsurface

DH took the brunt of one of DS's outbursts today while I was at the grocery with the baby. DH, who is very anti-medication, is now at the point where he thinks that DS probably needs to be medicated. I don't know if medication is the answer, but I do know that something has to change. Just like some of you mentioned, I feel like DS's behavior is making me mentally unsound. I feel unregulated, scattered, and anxious all the time. I can't stop thinking about what is going to happen with all this...I sure hope that we can get some answers soon.

It was a bit scary putting a schedule II drug into my 56lb stringbean but it appears to be working really well for him; he doesn't appear to have any negative effects.

I'd take evaluations from the OT and psychologist (or you can sign release forms when you make an appointment with the Dr.) and go to a psychiatrist while getting on the waiting list for a developmental ped. Sometimes it's better to try multiple approaches than wait for something to fail and suffering through it.

I'd also look into doing a sleep study; lack of quality sleep can cause increased aggression and other issues. We use Melatonin supplements for ds; it now takes about 10min for him to fall asleep as opposed to 1 to 1.5 hours and I've already seen an improvement in his mood. I actually drink Sleepytime tea for the same result; my mind is normally so busy when I try to go to sleep but with the tea I get to sleep in half the time.

You can use therapy in conjunction with seeing a psychiatrist; we don't plan on seeing ds' psychiatrist again until December but he will be seeing a CBT weekly or almost weekly and they will also communicate with each other over ds. Though we ended up leaving the first therapist we saw it was immensely helpful to have someone to talk to about ds that understood and I have to say it was helpful in our relationship too. Between the Psych, the CBT, ds' teacher and 504 teem it suddenly feels like everyone understands.

[plantmama]

I know this can be controversial but we have had some amazing things happen with homeopathic medicines. If you are interested, I would consult with a homeopath. Also, the book "the impossible cure" by Amy Lansky. She also wrote an article in Mothering mag. once about how her son's autism was cured using homeopathy.

I agree with everything you said about family and partner's etc.. It's very hard to explain.
Luckily my parents have had ds visit for a week at a time so they are beginning to "get it".

[Pookietooth]

Just wanting to post to chime in that my ds is having some of the same issues. We are taking him to a child psychologist. We unschool and are not very disciplined, and I'm sure that will affect the process. Sigh.

[SpottedFoxx]

Please don't think I'm crazy but I was just reading yesterday about a child who sounds very much like yours, out in California.  His parents, very much at the end of their rope decided to try a very controversial treatment.   The obtained the medication - tried it and from the moment he took it - they had their son back.  They now grow the drug in their back yard.  Yep - marijuana.  I'm not saying this is a viable treatment for your child but it almost sounded like a miracle cure from the article.  If you google medical marijuana and children - a ton of hits and information come up.

[NataliaI]

I also saw huge improvements with behavior with homeopathic treatment.  So much that I eventually studied homeopathy.

Amy Lansky's book is good.  To get a really good feel for what homeopathy an do for our children I highly recommend Judyth and Robert Ullman's books, Ritalin-Free Kids and A Drug-Free Approach to Aspergers Syndrome and Autism.  Your child does not need the diagnosis for you to benefit from the book.  Homeopathy isn't about diagnosis but about treating individuals.

It is very isolating to have a child with intense behaviors.  It does get better.

For me, shifting my own views on ... everything ... has transformed by experience of parenting.  Interestingly, as I became more centered, things got easier with my kids.

I am NOT saying that you are causing your child's behavior.  I KNOW it is very real.  But changing how I viewed it helped me tremendously.

What helped me most:

reading books like Raising Your Spirited Child; How to Talk so Your Children Will Listen and Listen So Your Children Will Talk

EFT

support at boards like this one

What helped my children most:

homeopathic treatment (long-term and on-going)

cell salts

me talking to them in a new way

Hope things get easier for you soon.