:( six year old dd

[catinthehat]

I just got back from soccer practice with my 6 year dd. I am crying right now because she is so horrible for me. Dh talked her into playing, she hadn't really wanted to... And I wanted to coach because I loved playing soccer as a kid. So, its the third practice tonight, and again, dd misbehaves the whole time. She won't do anything I ask her to do, so I say fine, then please go sit on the sidelines if you aren't going to participate. But no, she takes her shoes off and lays in the field, she runs away and climbs trees, she throws cones out on the field during drills, she hits me...
I have cried two weeks in a row now. She says she hates it. She wants to quit, just like she wants to quit everything else she tries, ballet, tae kwon do, even swimming(which she loves to do on her own, but didn't want to do lessons because they were structured). I think I should make her finish the season because she said she would play and because it would be letting her team down. We only have one sub as it is. But I don't know how I can get through it. It is so embarassing, and I feel like I must be the worst parent in the world. Why is my child the only one who acts like this.
She has been misbehaving at school too. Making noises, laying on the floor, saying she hates it. She wants me to home school her, but after she does stunts like tonight, there is no way I could homeschool her. I don't want to even look at her right now. I would be fine with her sitting on the sideline, but she won't even do that. She is rude to me and messes up practice.
What the heck is wrong with her!?!
I feel like I really messed up with her. Why in the world would she think its okay to act like that?

[InchByInch]

Hugs, mama. It sounds like she's longing for fewer structured activities, and more time to just... be. Which is totally normal for a 6-year-old!

What I hear in your post is that she didn't really want to play soccer; she had to be talked into it. You wanted her to play soccer because you enjoyed it so much as a kid, and because you now want to coach-- and I think it's great you want to share your interests with her. But according to your own words, soccer is not something she has ever wanted to do. And that's okay!

What really jumped out at me in your post was this:

Originally Posted by catinthehat

I would be fine with her sitting on the sideline, but she won't even do that.

I say this as gently as possible, but it sounds like you already know that this soccer stuff is more about you and your enjoyment of the game than hers.

However, you also know that she enjoys unstructured swimming. Consider going with that, letting her show you where her strengths lie. As for you, are there any adult soccer leagues in your area you could join? If not, maybe you could start one-- you clearly have leadership skills if you're a coach! Then you could each pursue your own passion and cheer each other on. They're both wonderful sports in their own way, and just being athletic in general will give you some more common ground.

Also, I'm betting all her misbehavior (both at school and on the soccer field) is just her way of communicating to you. Is it maddening? Yes. Is it normal for her age? Absolutely. She might not have the words/reasoning skills to tell you why all these structured activities are making her unhappy, so it comes out in a physical way. Look at this situation through her eyes, and remember how it feels to be that little and frankly powerless-- and how important it must feel to her to make you, her precious mama, happy. I bet that's why she finally consented to play soccer, even though she didn't want to: because she loves you so very much.

[NiteNicole]

She wants to quit, just like she wants to quit everything else she tries, ballet, tae kwon do, even swimming

Well...she's six. Not every six year old needs or wants a lot of (or even one) structured activities. School is enough. Extras are great if a kid wants to try them, but what is the point if everyone is miserable? If she is active otherwise, she has PLENTY of time to decide if she's interested in team sports.

I wouldn't make her finish the season on a sport she was talked into playing. To me, it's not that important.

Also, there's a reason that kids don't usually get to play on the team their parent coaches - they almost always listen better for someone else. She's old enough to know that she's got you in public where you probably won't risk a scene, but young enough to want all your attention. If she has to keep playing, can you let her play on someone else's team?

[meemee]

dd had reverse bob with bangs at 3. it suited her uhmmm way tooooo much. other moms adn dd's went and copied her hair cut it looked so good. the hairdresser was awesome.

however i didnt continue that cut because dd was starting to be sassy and that hair cut with her body stance made her look 'toooooo' sassy.

little girls with reverse bobs are soooo cute. esp. if their hair has been cut well. dd could sit quietly so she got a total adult cut with layers and everything.

[corysmilk]

Originally Posted by meemee

dd had reverse bob with bangs at 3. it suited her uhmmm way tooooo much. other moms adn dd's went and copied her hair cut it looked so good. the hairdresser was awesome.

however i didnt continue that cut because dd was starting to be sassy and that hair cut with her body stance made her look 'toooooo' sassy.

little girls with reverse bobs are soooo cute. esp. if their hair has been cut well. dd could sit quietly so she got a total adult cut with layers and everything.

Huh?

[camracrazy]

I would take dad to the practices too. Then if she acts up, there is someone there to take her aside while you can still go on with your coaching duties. Right now she knows that your attention is focused elsewhere and you can't spend the whole time chasing her down.

I think the idea of doing sports/classes is appealing to some kids, but when they find out what it is all about it's not as appealing. My dd2 wanted to take gymnastics after seeing all the neat equipment in the gym, and after seeing dd1 do it. But in the actual class she had to wait her turn and do what the instructor wanted instead of what she wanted to do. It didn't help that the instructor mispronounced her name half of the time, so dd didn't understand that the lady was trying to get her attention! I think she thought it was going to be just like running around the playground and playing on the equipment. We did finish out the class but didn't re-enroll. She wanted to play soccer last year like dd1 but spent more time picking dandelions off the field than actually playing!

FWIW DD1 has played soccer for 5 years and this will be dd2's second year, and all the teams they have been on have had the coach's kid on them.

[LynnS6]

I've got a six year old. I would: Let her quit soccer and keep coaching yourself. Go have fun with the kids who want to be there. In our rec league, 6 year olds play 3 on 3, and rotate in every 5 minutes or so. For the slightly older kids, the other team will play a person down if your team is short. I would not worry about leaving your team short if it's making your child miserable.

If it helps, our ds did not want to do anything organized during 1st or 2nd grade. In 3rd grade he wanted to do soccer, and liked it OK. He tried baseball and loved it. He's now entering 4th grade and is doing soccer again. He really enjoys it this time.

IMO, 6 is too young for organized sports for many kids. Ds didn't play t-ball or lower level little league. He was a bit behind the other 9 year olds at the start of the season. He was solidly in the middle of the pack by the end of the season. He's not athletically gifted. What this tells me is that there isn't a huge advantage to starting at 6.

Don't sign her up for anything else for a year. Then see where she is.

[meemee]

uh oh!!! replied to the wrong thread. gosh i should go to bed. thats what happens when you have multiple windows open.

[catinthehat]

Thank you for all the replies. I really appreciate it. FYI, my dh is the one who convinced her to try soccer. I asked her several times after he did this if she was SURE she wanted to play and she said yes. So, I gave her a chance to change her mind.
Honestly, I would love for her to quit, but there are only 5 kids on the team as it is, and 4 play at a time. So if she quit we would have no subs. I guess I feel like it isn't fair to her team.
My dh was supposed to come to practice last night, but they wanted him to do something at work, so he never showed.
I talked to her before practice about not acting up. I let her know its fine if she is tired and she wants sit on the sideline, but to please not disrupt the drills, etc. But no, she couldn't even manage that.
I just feel totally stuck.

[Tuesday]

My son (a very intense difficult 7 y/o) just finished his soccer season. Honestly - as others have said - your daughter doesn't seem to want to be at the game. She is only 6 and perhaps she really does dislike soccer - so why force her to be there. I know there are only a few kids on the team but with only 1 sub - is it really going to be that different? My son's team was larger but there were games when only half the children showed up and there were no subs. It was good in a way - they got a lot of exercise! And sometimes children, halfway through the game, just walk over to their parents and say, "I don't want to play anymore ... I'm too hot." It's okay. The child is just a child ... they weren't reprimanded for not wanting to play anymore. I hauled my son off the field halfway through a game ... there were thunder clouds and it was hailing ... the coach insisted the kids play ... my son said, 'this isn't fun ... i don't want to play' . Fair enough. We left the field. Did we "let the team down"? I don't think so. It's not high level soccer we are talking about ... these kids have the rest of their life to learn about "not letting down the team". For now, if she is misbehaving this much - she's likely trying to tell you she just doesn't want to be there.

[rabbitmum]

I don't think it is fair on your daughter to prioritize the needs of the team above your daughter's. She might have said "yes" to joining because she perceived that it was what you and your DH wanted. In my opinion it is not fair to force her to stick with it.

I very much admire the previous posters for managing to write such nice, nuanced posts. I'm not really able to, I can see no gain in, and no reason to, force her to play soccer at all.

[nextcommercial]

Well, if nothing else, for the rest of your team, you should let her quit. You are coaching to be with your daughter, but she hates it and it ruining it for the rest of the team. They are YOUR team now. So, even if she's not there, they are still your team. Let her quit, leave her home and enjoy coaching. You love it, there's nothing wrong with loving it without your daughter.

If you CAN homeschool her (meaning you are at home, and can work this out), maybe you should wait til this summer and see how it works for you both. She may hate work completely and want you to home school so she can bully you into letting her sleep in and watch tv all day instead of learning. Or she may genuinely want to stay home to learn and she might do really great.

[cjam]

My DD did great in all the structured activities that she did except the one that I coached. I've decided that sadly, it's better that I don't be involved in her activities. It's a fact of life that some (most?) kids will accept instruction better from non-parent adults. Maybe that's part of the problem, or maybe soccer just isn't her thing.

[paxye]

It sounds like your dd never wanted to play, was talked into it and felt the need to please her parents so she accepted... but actually doing it is crossing her line... forcing her will just have negative consequences on everyone involved.

[catinthehat]

Sounds like I am in a minority here thinking she should finish what she started! Maybe I wrong.
I feel like people are really coming down on me here though for even coaching her team. I am not coaching her because I am really intensely wanting her to be this awesome soccer player and I have really high expectations for her. I simply wanted to do something to help out in the community. I wanted to teach kids about good sportsmanship, teamwork, and maybe some skills. I am not some crazy hardcore coach pressuring my child to play!
Maybe I am going about dealing with my child all wrong in general. She is really tough. I am the first to admit that I still don't understand her. The thought of homeschooling her terrifies me. She is so stubborn. She won't do a thing that she doesn't want do. So everything would center around her wants, needs, and desires. She dominates every conversation, and demands constant interaction and attention(I know most children do, but she is even more intense about it).
I just feel really frustrated right now with her, with myself, with the situations we are in and the lack of options...
And I guess I was hoping for some support because I don't have any here.

[The4OfUs]

We "made" our 6 yo finish out a session of karate lessons, because he is a perfectionist and we know his 'dislike' of it was because it was no longer easy for him as he moved up in levels and he was making mistakes, and he HATES making mistakes, but needs to learn to work through that as a life skill. So stopping because he wants to be perfect is not an acceptable reason for us. And he's GOOD at it, like, had several instructors come up to me and say they don't often seen a kid with his ability at his age. And he clearly enjoys it once he gets into class and stops obsessing over whether he's going to make a mistake or not. So I get the committment/finish what you started thing, even at age 6.

However...your daughter is not only not enjoying practice, BUT she's also disrupting the other kids. As you said, if she would just hang on the sidelines that would be one thing, but I feel like it's not fair to the other kids to be disrupted. When the whole team is being affected by her misbehavior, the "finish what you started" thing goes out the window IMO. If she's misbehaving on purpose to get out of being on the team, at 6 yrs old, I'd address that with discipline at home, but not force her to stay on the team and make everyone miserable. Maybe I'd have her come and sit with DH way off on the sidelines, but not in uniform, in regular clothes. I'd figure out some way to get the point across that not wanting/liking to do something is FINE, but disrupting others is NOT and that she MUST be respectful in her refusal or there will be some kind of consequence. But I wouldn't make the other kids suffer for it. And I'm pretty sure most 6 yos have enough energy to not need a sub for recreation level soccer. At least the 6 yos in our local rec league had plenty of energy .

I have a very feisty 4 yo girl, and we work a lot on appropriate expressions of her often negative feelings. So I get the intensity/negativity.

I really understand the "finish what you started" thing, and do agree it is appropriate with a 6 yo in many cases....but not when other kids are being negatively impacted.

I would also agree with not signing her up for anything structured in the next year, but try to find some unstructured physical activities, like free swims, so she can stay active. No sense in setting her up for failure, KWIM? She may not be a team or group type person, she may be into more individual things; and she may not be really athletic - not everyone is.

For now, I'd really shift my focus on helpign her learn how to express her negative emotions more appropriately; by 6, she should start to have a better handle on it IMO...not be perfect, but better than throwing things on the field and hitting you. Come up with some options that are OK for you and help her practice.

[mamazee]

It doesn't seem fair to make her "finish what she started" when it doesn't sound like she really wanted to start it in the first place. You said you had to talk her into it. If you have to talk a kid into an activity, it's the wrong activity for that kid, IME and IMO.

[nextcommercial]

I totally agree with finishing what she started. But, she's ruining the experience for everybody. I really think that since she's ruining it for the other kids, that you should still coach, but at least leave her home for a while. Even if you keep her on the team for now.

[nextcommercial]

Originally Posted by catinthehat

The thought of homeschooling her terrifies me. She is so stubborn. She won't do a thing that she doesn't want do. So everything would center around her wants, needs, and desires.

I wouldn't be able to homeschool her for that reason alone. I know my own limits, and that would be WAAAY past my limits.

[paxye]

Originally Posted by catinthehat

I feel like people are really coming down on me here though for even coaching her team. I am not coaching her because I am really intensely wanting her to be this awesome soccer player and I have really high expectations for her. I simply wanted to do something to help out in the community. I wanted to teach kids about good sportsmanship, teamwork, and maybe some skills.

It is hard when you don't get the advice that want to hear, but I don't think anyone here said that you shouldn't be coaching but were just stating that coaching your own child's team can be hard.

I think that is great and I think that you should definitely follow your passion and not give up yourself... the kids that want to be there will benefit greatly when the coach loves the game and wants to be there.

What I hear is being said though is that it is counter productive to force a child to stick to do doing an activity when they they were forced into the decision in the first place. It is supposed to be a fun and positive activity, she doesn't find it fun or positive, she did not want to do it even though someone tried to convince her.

As much as you like it, and it is not wrong for you to do so, your dd doesn't enjoy it and that is not wrong either.

Your dd sounds like my oldest ds. He has never been able to do anything structured. If he feels constrained, he will push back hard. He excels at doing things by himself on his own terms. He also rather be alone, or with his brothers and doesn't enjoy groups. I can't imagine him going to school!! Does it mean that he makes the rules... yes, within our limits and as long as it doesn't negatively impact those around him. It is possible but you have to change your expectations...