Coping with not having more

[wantingmoremom]

Hello, this is my first post here, but I have been reading the forum for a while. I am really feeling stressed out and just felt the need to post. I don't have any close friends I can talk to, (other than husband), but he does not really understand, so maybe I will find a few friends here.

Anyway i have two wonderful children, who are happy and healthy, but I have always longed for more children. It has been about six years since I had my last baby, and my husband says he does not want anymore. He says we can't afford it and that is the reason, but he won't even give me the opportunity to see if we can re-work the budget. We have a nice savings and always have extra each month so I really dont understand, other than the fact that I think he just does not want more. This really makes me feel down, and every month when my monthly starts, Im in tears.

Last month we had a few slip ups, and I thought maybe one got away because I was not feeling well. I still have three more days till cycle start, and already cramping has begun. Im already in tears and it has not even started.

To make matters worse, I am surrounded by people who are all pregnant or just had a baby and planning the next. I can not go to anymore baby showers, because after each I spend two days crying. I am happy for them, but can't help feeling down because i will have no more. I am not coping well with this, and I want to explain to hubby, but I just don't think he will understand, how strong a desire to have more children can be. When I was in my twenties I thought I was done, but now being in my thirties, the feeling has become very strong. Sorry this post is so long, but I really needed to get it all out.
Thanks for reading!

[HulaJenn]

I can completely relate. My Dh did not even want to discuss having a 3rd.
So, before starting an argument for the umpteenth time. i really sat down and examined my motives for wanting another. Was it a phase that would never go away no matter how many children i had? (kind of like empty nest syndrome?) Or was I really committed to not just having a baby, but raising another child?
I was watchign a friend's kids one day so there was 4 of them sitting around my table eating banana bread, and I just really got a sudden enlightening...like I REALLY wanted this many kids around my table. And not just to fill a void that could never be filled.

So, like your DH, finances are always the main concern. So what I did was put together a "business" plan. To reassure Dh how it would work financially, where another baby would fit in our house, in our vehicles, in my work schedule and most importantly, reassuring him that he would not get neglected in the process. (cuz they see another baby as competition for your affection to!)

As you can see from my signature, I got my 3rd baby and it was the best decision I ever talked DH into. being older, I am more patient. having 2 previous children I know what to expect so i can savour even the sleep deprived, tantrum filled moments! And my older children make the BEST helpers and there is ZERO jealousy. Leaving plenty of energy and time for DH.

So i suggest the same for you. Really examine the motive behind another one and if you find that it isn't just that everyone else "has a puppy, so you want one too" sort of scenario. , you go through the finances on your own so that you can present it all to your DH in a reassuring confident way.

Rarely do people regret having another baby, but plenty wish they would have had more, so you don't want to miss the opportunity. my DH admitted that while it was unfair to have me pressure him into another baby, it was also unfair for him to deny me another one.

Good luck. I hope you are able to follow your heart and convince DH to get on board!

[asobakabosa]

What about you? Do you work?
maybe your hubby just wants to be safe, it is a big responsibility to have a lot of kids.. You know, it is hard time now, people loosing jobs, everything is unstable. Do you have some income to support your family? Don't get me wrong, i like children, i like big families, but also i like when everything is going fine. When you can plan something, when you know what you gonna do in few days/weeks/months.
do you have your own house?
loans?

just sit, relax and think about everything.

what about u? Did you think why you want a baby? Maybe you want some fresh emotions? Maybe you are bored and looking for excitement? Maybe your hubby doesn't pay attention to you ? and you are trying to attract it?

[EllyMayMomma]

I truly know what you are going through. DH was happy with one baby and then got to like the idea of two. Number three was kind of a surprise and that was so it for him. But not for me - ideally I would like 5. I have always wanted five kids - it just feels the right number. I love kids and babies and all the baby time, toddler time and kid time.

I think what talked my husband into trying for another one was realizing that he was making a decision "for" me that would be for my entire life. It is not like in 10 or 15 years we could change it.

What you are going through has no answers. I sincerely wish you the best.

[MaryLang]

I'm sorry your going through this with DH.
I can't imagine citing only financial reasons for deciding on family size. Especially in this economy its so clear that no matter how "set" you think you are or how well you've planned financially, it can all change in the blink of an eye. But you always have your family. When DH lost his job last year, I can assure you I wasn't thinking "Why one earth did we have 4 kids!!!?!?!". Children are such amazing blessings, you just keep trucking along as a family. And at least in the early years kids don't "cost" much at all. Cloth diapers, breastfeeding, ect...
I hope you and DH are able to talk a little more openly about this, and toss the financial fears aside.

[miss_honeyb]

Originally Posted by HulaJenn 

Rarely do people regret having another baby, but plenty wish they would have had more, so you don't want to miss the opportunity. my DH admitted that while it was unfair to have me pressure him into another baby, it was also unfair for him to deny me another one.

Especially if your DH (like mine) is the sole provider, they can feel a bigger sense of anxiety about providing for another little one. BUT, in most cases I think that's in unfounded anxiety because the reality is each subsequent child (usually) costs less! You already have baby gear, clothes to pass down, etc. (assuming you saved that stuff - but you more than likely have friends who would love to give/loan you those things!) My kids get hand-me-down clothes and toys all the time. We don't see a hike in the grocery budget until the child is well past 2 years old! If you're breastfeeding, co-sleeping, cloth diapering, etc, it really doesn't cost much to have a baby.

I think it's important to acknowledge your DH's financial concerns and also let him know that YOU would like to be heard as well. Like the PP said about putting together a "business" plan, you can really address his worries in a helpful way.

Another way to talk about it is to ask him, "What's the worst that can happen if we have another child? Will we not be able to pay our mortgage? Will we not be able to make our car payment? Or is the worst that might happen be that we have to forgo some 'extras'?"  Then ask him what's the worst that can happen if you don't have another baby. You will eventually lose the ability to add to your family - your years of fertility are limited! And you might forever regret the child that could have been but never was! That seems like the bigger loss. Losing a "cushion" of money or some "perks" you're enjoying now isn't really a big loss.

Anyway, I really hope you're able to work through this with your DH!!   I can see that you're very much grieving and experiencing a sense of loss. Persevere, mama!!
 

[Pogo0685]

I only have one child and have always wanted two. My DH knew that when we got married and right after the birth of my son I said I was done having kids (I said this less than an hour after I got out of recovery after a very long labor and a very unwanted c-section) and he has held this against me from then on. But for about the last year I have tried to get him to talk to me about why he says no more and he just says because he doesn't or some lame answer. So a few weeks ago we went for a walk and I again brought up that I want another one and that my time line would be to TTC when my son is 2 1/2 - 3ish so that he would be at least 3 years old when new baby is born and he told me if I got pregnant he would kill himself so I just dropped it. Then later that night I asked him to give DS a bath (hes 22 months its NOT that hard) and he went into a tirade of how he hates caring for babies and he hates the tantrums and he hates having to put his life on hold and that we are missing out on so many things because of our son (seriously we missed out on like 2 concerts that we would have LOVED to go to but I don't want to leave my son with a sitter, he has never been left with anyone except my mom for 5 minutes once when he was asleep and my DH), he then went on to say that I don't care about his feelings and that everything is all about what I want so we got into a really big fight about it, I really do care what he wants in life but for over a year he would not even give me an answer and then when he finally did he pretty much told me that he hates our life. I was crushed, I still am, I don't know how to even look at him anymore. I have a brother and even though we hated each other through our teen years I would do anything for him now (my DH pretty much hates him) and I want my child to have a sibling to grow up with and when me and DH die at least he would have SOMEONE. DH is an only child so I just don't think he understand this. I know deep down inside I am going to regret not having one more for the rest of my life but I love my DH and I also don't think its fair to "push" a child onto him. There are only 3 options I see happening if I do in fact ever get pregnant again 1. I have the baby and DH stays and hates me for the rest of his life and probably hates the child also. 2. I have the baby and he leaves me because of it or 3. I abort the baby and I leave him because I just cant deal with the fact that I aborted a child I wanted because DH did not want another one.  I am typing this as I worry because AF is 2 days late (she has not been late for 11 months now - shes always here on day 33). So while I have no advice for you, I totally know what you are going through and I really really hope that everything works out for all of you mamas.

[miss_honeyb]

Originally Posted by Pogo0685 

I only have one child and have always wanted two. My DH knew that when we got married and right after the birth of my son I said I was done having kids (I said this less than an hour after I got out of recovery after a very long labor and a very unwanted c-section) and he has held this against me from then on. But for about the last year I have tried to get him to talk to me about why he says no more and he just says because he doesn't or some lame answer. So a few weeks ago we went for a walk and I again brought up that I want another one and that my time line would be to TTC when my son is 2 1/2 - 3ish so that he would be at least 3 years old when new baby is born and he told me if I got pregnant he would kill himself so I just dropped it. Then later that night I asked him to give DS a bath (hes 22 months its NOT that hard) and he went into a tirade of how he hates caring for babies and he hates the tantrums and he hates having to put his life on hold and that we are missing out on so many things because of our son (seriously we missed out on like 2 concerts that we would have LOVED to go to but I don't want to leave my son with a sitter, he has never been left with anyone except my mom for 5 minutes once when he was asleep and my DH), he then went on to say that I don't care about his feelings and that everything is all about what I want so we got into a really big fight about it, I really do care what he wants in life but for over a year he would not even give me an answer and then when he finally did he pretty much told me that he hates our life. I was crushed, I still am, I don't know how to even look at him anymore. I have a brother and even though we hated each other through our teen years I would do anything for him now (my DH pretty much hates him) and I want my child to have a sibling to grow up with and when me and DH die at least he would have SOMEONE. DH is an only child so I just don't think he understand this. I know deep down inside I am going to regret not having one more for the rest of my life but I love my DH and I also don't think its fair to "push" a child onto him. There are only 3 options I see happening if I do in fact ever get pregnant again 1. I have the baby and DH stays and hates me for the rest of his life and probably hates the child also. 2. I have the baby and he leaves me because of it or 3. I abort the baby and I leave him because I just cant deal with the fact that I aborted a child I wanted because DH did not want another one.  I am typing this as I worry because AF is 2 days late (she has not been late for 11 months now - shes always here on day 33). So while I have no advice for you, I totally know what you are going through and I really really hope that everything works out for all of you mamas.

Pogo, that's so hard!! It sounds like your DH has some long-seated resentment that has been building for a long time. As hard as it might be, maybe you should ask him specifically, What do you feel we missed out on? How have I not cared for your feelings? How is your life on hold now? And try to listen to his answers without passing judgement (even if he sounds totally selfish and unreasonable!!) Give him a chance to air his hurts and his feelings and let him know you hear him. Then see if he'll listen as you share your side, i.e. that your DS's early years are fleeting, you'll have plenty of time to go to concerts when he's older, that the value of having a sibling to share your life with is really priceless, etc. You BOTH need to be heard, to have your feelings validated. And maybe??? that will open up a good dialogue about it? I really hope you two can find unity on this and none of the drastic scenarios come to pass!!

[Lisa1970]

Your husband should not be the only one to have say in this. If he won't talk to you about it, then let him know how serious you are about this and how much this means to you. As your husband, he should not be so dismissive like that. He should give consideration to your feelings. As it stands, he is making 100% of the decision and you have no say. But this is a marriage which means both of you should be making this decision.

One baby does not really cost much more than 2. So I doubt this is about money. I think he is just using that as an excuse. 

((((hugs))))

[ShwarmaQueen]

My Dh has said the same thing, but I'm asked him to reconsider the way he thinks. Instead of saying, "we're done" I asked him to say maybe to having more kids, not because he wants more or doesn't, but because it's not in our hands anyway. Although we are using BC, if we got pregnant we would indeed have another baby. No questions. So maybe you can consider this approach (if you are spiritual). I mean, there are couples who try and try for years and can't conceive, without any medical explanation. And likewise there are those who conceive despite birth control. It's not ultimately up to us to decide?