Resenting DS :(

[dianna11]

First of all, I'm afraid of making a post like this, because it's not a popular topic around here, especially for AP mams. I'm also afraid that I will get a zillion replies to fix the sleep issue, etc. to which I will reply to all of you: "I have tried that already". I just want to know if this feeling is normal, and will eventually go away, and I can have positive thought about my DS again, because this is horrible.

My son (now 2.5 years) was so relaxed when he was a newborn. He nursed well, slept all night and was generally easy to deal with.

This was nice because with my DD, who is 3 years older, I had PPD, and to say she was high needs or colicky just didn't begin to describe it. She is the happiest and most wonderful little girl now, but it was more than a rough start.

When my son was 4 months old, the sleep problems started and he would only sleep in 20 minute intervals: wake for 20 mins, sleep for 20 mins all night long. FOR 7 MONTHS! Clearly, I went insane, more PPD and a nervous breakdown. I remember searching the internet to find out how to put him up for adoption, had a list of numbers to call in the morning, but was too fogged to remember to do it.

The sleep issue finally got better around 1 year, but it keeps returning every 6 weeks or so, DS will wake up a few times a night either shrieking, or playing, but always wanting moooooooooooooomy. Potty training is going terrible, he won't eat well, won't let us brush his teeth, he whinges literally all day, and I just resent him so much!

Most of my hair has fallen out, my nerves are shot, my marriage is going to hell and DD is suffering because DS is such a nightmare - and they share a room so she doesn't get to sleep either. I don't want to play with him during the day, I don't have any positive thoughts for him and it kills me! He is just being 2, but because of the sleep deprivation and destroyed adrenals, I can't deal.

Yes, I realize he picks up on this, and I don't want to get into a chicken or egg debate about who started it. It is what it is and I just don't want to be one of those mothers on the news...

Please tell me someone else has felt like this, and it has improved over time?

[lifeguard]

Oh mama. Is there any chance you can take a break from the situation for a day or two? Give yourself a chance to regroup somehow. Do you family or good friends close by who can help out a little?

Sorry, I don't have anything really useful to say.

[rabbitmum]

I'm sorry for you, this sounds really hard. Would it help to let him sleep in your bed with you, maybe he would go back to sleep when he woke up instead of shouting for you? But I'm sure you must have tried this already. Have you asked a doctor about this problem?

[poorlittlefish]

Oh Mama! This sounds horrible. I am sure these feelings will go away when you can get some rest. Can you and you DH go away for a weekend? To get a break and spend some time with each other.

I know you didn't want advice but I just wanted to throw something out there. I am very, very anti CIO and I have never done it. However, your child is 2.5, can you explain to him that it is night time and you aren't coming back in his room until morning? Maybe let your daughter sleep somewhere else for the night you try. I don't know, like I said, I am anti-CIO however you really, really sound like you are suffering and it isn't like he is a newborn. You need rest to be a good mama. I wish we lived closer so I could help you out.

[globe-trotter]

ANY family friends who could take each other (seperate even so your oldest gets a break also)? {{{HUG}}}

[pbjmama]

I did feel that way and it did improve after I got ds an occupational therapy evaluation and therapy. It was pretty much night and day. The kid slept. And I slept! He became a happy child. He was only in therapy for about 9 months and it is the best thing I ever did for him, myself, and my marriage, etc. In my experience children who have problems that are severe have some sort of health, sensory, whatever problem going on.

[crunchy_mommy]

Definitely I would try to get away for a weekend or a week or however long you need.

DS also woke up every 20-30 minutes all night long for ~14 months straight. It was horrendous... and yes, I felt some resentment for him, but nothing at all like what you describe. Based on your description I think you just NEED to get away -- get some sleep, get some space, meet some of YOUR needs for once. It sounds like you are in crisis mode. I also wonder if you are experiencing some form of depression... Have you seen anyone to talk about this?

DS definitely goes in cycles now with a few weeks of good sleep followed by a week or two of horrible sleep. When he gets to that horrible stage I just can't stand dealing with him -- but I remind myself it will all be over in a few days or a week. I also take every opportunity I can to get out of the house by myself, to get some rest when DH is home, etc. Usually once his sleep returns to 'normal' (still not great but not so horrendous), my mood improves & so does my relationship with DS and DH. It's so hard to get through those stages though.

I am so, so sorry you are having such a tough time. And I'm glad you were brave enough to talk about it here, I totally understand your fear & there are some things I could just never share with anyone because they feel too horrible to me. Is getting away a viable option for you?

[weliveintheforest]

Originally Posted by dianna11

Please tell me someone else has felt like this, and it has improved over time?

I haven't been in your exact situation but I have at times resented my kids. It got better.

I agree with others who are saying to get away and get some sleep. Maybe you can dh could take turns sleeping somewhere else with dd for a couple of days, so you can both get a couple full nights of sleep.

[ThankfulMama]

I just thought I'd ask if you have ever investigated food intolerances. I know that my DD, who has several intolerances, has had sleep issues as a symptom while I was still trying to figure things out.

[wookie]

Oh mama, that sounds awful. Hugs to you.

I haven't been in your situation but I've heard having some kids chirpractically adjusted makes a huge difference to their moods, sleep patterns etc. Maybe something to look into?

Maybe this won't work for you but what helps me when I'm overwhelmed is to think about how moms with special needs kids do it. I don;'t have a special kid myself and if *I* can get that touched out, tired, what have you, they must be going thru so much worse. On a daily basis. And they come out alright, loving their kids as much as any of us. It helps for me to put my situation in perspective. Hopefully this shall pass for you soon enough. In the meantime, if there's ever been any post where it seems like the mama needs a break, yours is it. We all have days where all that's left between you and your sanity is to pick up your bags and leave for a few hours (of course leaving the kids with DP or family or babysitter). Maybe your time has come?

[dianna11]

Originally Posted by lifeguard

Oh mama. Is there any chance you can take a break from the situation for a day or two? Give yourself a chance to regroup somehow. Do you family or good friends close by who can help out a little?

Sorry, I don't have anything really useful to say.

Thank you so much, sometimes just a few kind words help DH is trying to wrap up work early today and give me some time... to work (I'm also a WAHM - to top things off. )

Originally Posted by rabbitmum

I'm sorry for you, this sounds really hard. Would it help to let him sleep in your bed with you, maybe he would go back to sleep when he woke up instead of shouting for you? But I'm sure you must have tried this already. Have you asked a doctor about this problem?

Yep, tried that.

Doesn't matter where he sleeps (or rather, doesn't sleep). The doctor has no advice and even the help from the Naturopath only worked short term.

[dianna11]

Originally Posted by poorlittlefish

Oh Mama! This sounds horrible. I am sure these feelings will go away when you can get some rest. Can you and you DH go away for a weekend? To get a break and spend some time with each other.

I know you didn't want advice but I just wanted to throw something out there. I am very, very anti CIO and I have never done it. However, your child is 2.5, can you explain to him that it is night time and you aren't coming back in his room until morning? Maybe let your daughter sleep somewhere else for the night you try. I don't know, like I said, I am anti-CIO however you really, really sound like you are suffering and it isn't like he is a newborn. You need rest to be a good mama. I wish we lived closer so I could help you out.

Yep - we have done CIO too, but only when he got to the stage where we knew he could understand us, and know that "when the sun is sleeping, and Izzy is sleeping, you should be sleeping too". Sometimes he would just get in the habit of waking, and when he wasn't getting any response, he would just put himself back to bed. Sometimes it worked, sometimes it didn't - like when the tone of cry is more scared - me or DH goes in to silently soothe him in case he had a nightmare. If it's just an exhausted / tired cry, I am fine to just leave him be.
We did send the kids off for the weekend just this past weekend and it was wonderful! but it quickly becomes bleak after a couple more nights of sleep deprivation and all day toddler moaning and tantrums.

THe problem with DD is that she doesn't want to sleep anywhere but in the room with her brother, even though she is sleep deprived too On the bright side, it's good to see them so bonded.

Originally Posted by pbjmama

I did feel that way and it did improve after I got ds an occupational therapy evaluation and therapy. It was pretty much night and day. The kid slept. And I slept! He became a happy child. He was only in therapy for about 9 months and it is the best thing I ever did for him, myself, and my marriage, etc. In my experience children who have problems that are severe have some sort of health, sensory, whatever problem going on.

Interesting! How old was your DS when you did this? Interesting idea and I am surprised that it's something I haven't tried! HAHA! Did you get this through your family doctor?

Originally Posted by crunchy_mommy

Definitely I would try to get away for a weekend or a week or however long you need.

DS also woke up every 20-30 minutes all night long for ~14 months straight. It was horrendous... and yes, I felt some resentment for him, but nothing at all like what you describe. Based on your description I think you just NEED to get away -- get some sleep, get some space, meet some of YOUR needs for once. It sounds like you are in crisis mode. I also wonder if you are experiencing some form of depression... Have you seen anyone to talk about this?

DS definitely goes in cycles now with a few weeks of good sleep followed by a week or two of horrible sleep. When he gets to that horrible stage I just can't stand dealing with him -- but I remind myself it will all be over in a few days or a week. I also take every opportunity I can to get out of the house by myself, to get some rest when DH is home, etc. Usually once his sleep returns to 'normal' (still not great but not so horrendous), my mood improves & so does my relationship with DS and DH. It's so hard to get through those stages though.

I am so, so sorry you are having such a tough time. And I'm glad you were brave enough to talk about it here, I totally understand your fear & there are some things I could just never share with anyone because they feel too horrible to me. Is getting away a viable option for you?

I am definitely going through a depression because of it. Depression, adrenal fatigue, anxiety, you name it. I am seeing a therapist and it is helping somewhat. Every time I get some space, it's always used up with my work. On top of this stuff with DS, I have deadlines to meet, so I don't really get down time. I don't know what I would do if I got away - I don't know if I could resist the urge to flee to Mexico. Really.
Thanks for the reassurance that you made it through in one piece, it's really good to hear that it's possible

[dianna11]

Originally Posted by weliveintheforest

I haven't been in your exact situation but I have at times resented my kids. It got better.

I agree with others who are saying to get away and get some sleep. Maybe you can dh could take turns sleeping somewhere else with dd for a couple of days, so you can both get a couple full nights of sleep.

We do take turns, but he's exhausted too. And he sometimes has to drive long distances in the morning, so he has to be on the ball when he wakes up. Weekends, he does let me sleep a little longer, but I just can't catch up.

Originally Posted by ThankfulMama

I just thought I'd ask if you have ever investigated food intolerances. I know that my DD, who has several intolerances, has had sleep issues as a symptom while I was still trying to figure things out.

Yep - tried that.

Originally Posted by wookie

Oh mama, that sounds awful. Hugs to you.

I haven't been in your situation but I've heard having some kids chirpractically adjusted makes a huge difference to their moods, sleep patterns etc. Maybe something to look into?

Maybe this won't work for you but what helps me when I'm overwhelmed is to think about how moms with special needs kids do it. I don;'t have a special kid myself and if *I* can get that touched out, tired, what have you, they must be going thru so much worse. On a daily basis. And they come out alright, loving their kids as much as any of us. It helps for me to put my situation in perspective. Hopefully this shall pass for you soon enough. In the meantime, if there's ever been any post where it seems like the mama needs a break, yours is it. We all have days where all that's left between you and your sanity is to pick up your bags and leave for a few hours (of course leaving the kids with DP or family or babysitter). Maybe your time has come?

Chiropractor? Yep - tried that too.

Yes, I realize other people have it worse - but I am way past the deep end with this and being Big Zen Picture doesn't help at this stage. Sorry to be blunt, but trying to think that way can only get me so far. I KNOW he will be a big kid and wake up and read a book, or make himself breakfast, or watch tv. I know he will eventually grow up and move out too. I'm just afraid that I won't make it that far!

[crunchy_mommy]

Originally Posted by dianna11

I am definitely going through a depression because of it. Depression, adrenal fatigue, anxiety, you name it. I am seeing a therapist and it is helping somewhat. Every time I get some space, it's always used up with my work. On top of this stuff with DS, I have deadlines to meet, so I don't really get down time. I don't know what I would do if I got away - I don't know if I could resist the urge to flee to Mexico. Really.
Thanks for the reassurance that you made it through in one piece, it's really good to hear that it's possible

I WAH too so I totally understand that. Every time I FINALLY get DS to nap, I have to immediately catch up on work -- not even a second to myself. I can't sleep more than 6 (very interrupted!) hours at night otherwise I'll get behind on hours & lose my health insurance. WAH & raising a difficult kid is like... the worst of both worlds.

Another thought, would getting help with other things around the house help? Maybe have someone come in to clean or do laundry, or someone to entertain the kids every day for a couple hours, I don't know...

[pbjmama]

Originally Posted by dianna11

Interesting! How old was your DS when you did this? Interesting idea and I am surprised that it's something I haven't tried! HAHA! Did you get this through your family doctor?

My ds was about 21 months when I started the evaluation process, about 25 months when he started therapy. It took some time for me to figure out what was going on with him, have the evaluations through the state, find out he did have issues but didn't qualify for state service, find a private provider, etc. I did talk to my doctor about it and she did not share my concern. But I asked her to write for an OT eval anyway and she did. After seeing the OT eval she agreed to write for therapy too. For us, finding the right provider was key. Someone who understood that although his issues were not severe they were having a big effect on our family and we needed help.

[MamaChef]

Yes, I have resented my DD at times. It has always passed. Sleep helps it pass quicker

Two things. Maybe think about seeing an Occupational Therapist and having an eval. Some eval programs are free, most are covered by insurance.

Melatonin. Have you ever tried it w/DS? It may not be your cure all, but it might get you guys the sleep you need to be able to breathe and reevaluate.

Best of luck to you. I do know what feeling completely burned out and in the depths of a nervous breakdown feels like and I hope you get some relief soon.

[marispel]

I WAH too, but after DS became mobile and down to one nap we had to put him in daycare. I WAH...but FT and there is no way I could juggle both and be good at both. One or the other would suffer. We found a fantastic daycare just a couple miles up the road. I take him in the mornings and DH picks him up in the afternoons. DS has done GREAT at daycare....and I'm doing great at work. I'm really not one of "those" moms that can do it 24/7 - I need the break and I'm a better mom for it.


I agree with PP who suggested the therapy - just to see if there are any sensory issues.

Hugs to you mama - I'm a short temper mama and I have to remind myself every.single.day to breathe and this too shall pass (gesh, and I don't even stay home with him all day). It's hard, really really hard!

[Neera]

First of all to u mom.

Dd did the same thing. I don't really know or remember if she was waking me up every 20 mins or 1/2 hr or 40 mins. I think it was irregular. She would wake me up for her pacifier or so I thought. If it had been the pacifier it would have made her go to sleep once she got it and let me have restful sleep as well. But, at 18 mo when I finally decided to co-sleep she stopped the continuous wakings and only woke me for feeds a few times.

[JessBB]

Preschool. Seriously. As much child care as you can possibly afford, until you're bettter.

[justKate]

Is there a college near you? Would it be possible to work in a "mother's helper" a couple of afternoons to run the LOs ragged? Or preschool, if that's an option.

I second an OT eval--had one on my DD and although we decided not to go forward with therapy, we did get some good tools/activities to do at home. This with nightweaning helped some. One book on this is "The Out-of-Sync Child Has Fun."

Otherwise, just wanted to say that I've been there. Last week I took DD downstairs to huz after 2 hours of going-to-bed screaming because I was afraid I would throw her out of the window. I'm sorry that you're going through this.