have any of your children said this...

[meemee]

i am a GD mommy with sometimes failures... which i am really sad and ashamed off.

i have flown off the handle and slapped my dd a couple of times. once when she was 6 and once when she was 7. both of which she remembers v. well.

we have been having some issues lately. i dont usually punish. i practise CL so i dont really believe in punishing.

but lately i feel i have had no option but to do that. so i have spoken to dd and told her i will have to take tv and computer time away from her if she continues. havent done that yet. i have explained that is what will happen.

she has been telling me mom just slap me and get it out of the way. i would much rather you hit me and get it over with than lose screen time. :

actually she's been saying that a lot lately whenever she thinks she is in trouble. she is testing limits and boudaries a lot lately and we've done a lot of talking. she keeps expecting to be punished (because that's what happens at her dad's house) but we talk and sort things out (its more of her wanting more independence).

i've asked her if she understands what she's asking. 'mawwwwm. you will slap me. i will cry for a few minutes. and then it will be ok'. i will go and play some games and i will feel better.

this is sooo bitter sweet for me. i cant decide to laugh or cry. i do both actually. it always reminds me of my transgressions and i feel so bad.

[One_Girl]

I would personally suggest that you not hit her for the very reasons she states. Not only because I don't think violence is a good answer and slapping is something that crosses into abuse (though spanking tends not to be), but because it doesn't sound like it will be effective. You want to see a change in what she is doing, one that she doesn't want to have to follow through with, and it sounds like she realizes that if you hit her she might be a little sad but you will feel a lot of guilt and she will actually find things more in her favor rather than less. My mom hit us a lot and I don't remember it mattering to us. In the stores you sometimes see moms warning or threatening their kids with being hit and it also doesn't work so it isn't surprising to me that a smart kid would figure out which punishment is the least intrusive and push for that one. She is in the reasoning stage and it sounds like she has decided that being hit is really not going to affect her life that much whereas being bored and having to find other things to do besides screen time is going to be a huge burden on her. If you really think a consequence needs to be put in place because nothing else is working at this point then I think you should go with the one she wants to avoid the most and that is not violent.

[journeymom]

Dh, 42 y.o., experienced the same thing! He's mentioned absolutely dreading the long, exploratory talks he'd get after some infraction, wishing his mom would stop talking, wishing his dad would just pop him already.

My daughter is 15 y.o. and recently I was mentioning how I soooo regretted spanking her when she was little. I'd be just seething mad and frustrated with her. She actually said Mom don't even worry about it. It never hurt and I just thought it was kinda funny. Gah! My preschool daughter didn't even get how insanely angry I was when I broke down and spanked her! I felt such shame afterwords, wondering if I'd broken our relationship. I guess the good parenting out-weighed the bad parenting, because we have a pretty good relationship.

[Storm Bride]

None of my kids has ever said that, particularly with respect to screen time (they don't get - or usually want - all that much). However, it woulnd't really bother me. I've known many kids who vastly preferred a smack/spanking to various other punishments. I know when my mom grounded me (happened 2-3 times), I would have much rather had a smack and then gone on with my life. A smack was no big deal, but grounding sucked. I also know my mom much preferred a spanking to her mom's preferred method of punishment, which was the silent treatment, with a very clear "I'm horribly disappointed in you" message.

I'm sorry things are so tough right now.

[EdnaMarie]

I would personally suggest that you not hit her for the very reasons she states

I don't think the OP was considering it! It's just unexpected when it comes out of the mouth of a child that has been raised without violence.

[petey44]

Ha! Glad I'm not the only one who felt this way growing up! A spanking or smack would have been much preferable to the "lets sit around the table and discuss your transgressions and the reasons for them for 5 hours" method of discipline that my parents were so fond of.

[theatermom]

My mom had the ability to lecture for HOURS. It was horrible. I much preferred a spanking or being sent to my room (as a mostly introverted individual, this was heaven, actually). The only problem was, she would send me to my room, and then come back 5 minutes later and the lecture would start all over.

[tallulahma]

i think the important thing here is that she clearly understood what she had done to upset you and she doesnt want to stop doing what she is doing.

since you are CL maybe you could start asking how everyone could be happy with the situation.

i know in every instance that i said, "no more tv if you do/dont do xyz" have been moments of frustration or me trying to get her to do something that was only important to me....not her. or to other people, like staying with guests or going grocery shopping... where im trying to get her to do something that is not the norm at our house.

i guess im getting from her response that there is nothing you are going to do to get her to really change or "get it" (because she is young) and so she is choosing the quickest punishment.

maybe it would be good to just say "this upsets me- what can we do to change the situation so that you can do what you need and have it not affect me in this way"

i mean, im guessing since you didnt say what she had done....

i used to wish for hitting instead of talking too. my mom was always super self righteous.. made me want to vomit to hear her talk for hours....

[Maluhia]

Note: MDC is not interested in hosting a discussion on the merits of physical punishment. For example;

It would be a User Agreement Violation to imply that spanking is in any way effective.

It would not be a User Agreement Violation to say that you, personally, do not feel damaged by your own experience as the victim of physical punishment as long as you don't advocate it for children today.

Your experiences are your own; implying that they can be an excuse to physically harm a child is something our User Agreement guards against. Thank you for your cooperation in the spirit of our goals here at MDC!

[Devaskyla]

Ds1 says that a lot. And he smacks himself, too. It's driving me crazy. I just tell him he knows that's not going to happen, so stop saying it. I think he thinks that being hit would be better than feeling guilty/having to admit he made a mistake & do things differently. It's been a regular thing for at least a year now & it's very disturbing.

[meemee]

you know what guys. i had to really sit and think after reading all your posts.

i first thought i was lecturing. i make sure i try not to lecture.

but then i realised. its screen time. for dd screen time is as important as reading. she really enjoys both those activities. so taking screen time or books from her is the ultimate 'punishment'. so she would much rather have a few minutes of pain, rather than lose her screen time.

it is interesting reading ALL your experiences with spanking. i was never spanked when i was young. maybe after 5. once in a blue moon. and its the same reaction. so its nice to see how many of us share the same response.

i have to think about this. how to handle this.

[EdnaMarie]

just slap me and get it out of the way.
I used to say that to my mom. She remembers it, too. I hated the whole passive-aggressive bullcrap she pulled, how she feels, how I feel, blah blah blah. And I was all, DUDE, can we have a spanking where you show me how you really feel, and I can get back to my own little world here?

It's not about your transgressions. She just truly doesn't care at that moment what is right and wrong, she is probably thinking, "Look, mom, I know you hate it, you're angry, don't take it out on me by going on and on, just slap me and get it over with!"

And ftr, I was never punished like that. Well, when I was a teenager once I called her a b* and she slapped me across the face. She apologized later, of course.

Now as a mother I feel trapped, LOL. I don't want to slap her... I want her to get it.

I must have been hell to raise, come to think of it. This does not bode well for DD2, with whom I have a lot in common.

"so she would much rather have a few minutes of pain, rather than lose her screen time."

My mom took my books away, since that was all I cared about (truly, that was all I cared about... she would ask, and I would lie and say "no" because I didn't want to hurt her feelings, but it was true!). It didn't make any difference. None. (It was for not doing homework--when I got kicked out of the gifted program for nearly failing, I stepped up, not until then.)

Yeah, I'd have preferred a spanking, and actually, not having to face interminable punishment might have made the homework seem more easy to deal with. BUT that does not mean it's ever okay to hit anyone, in case it seems like I'm saying that.

I know now why she didn't, of course!

[Smokering]

I remember being a kid and wishing my mother would use "creative" punishments like grounding me or sending me to my room. It sounded vaguely exotic, especially as my room was full of books... which my mother well knew, so no wonder she didn't "punish" me like that. Her main techniques were smacking - which I hated because it hurt, but which didn't cause me any lifelong damage as far as I can tell - and threatening to revoke treats, which I really hated. Whenever I was invited to a friend's house I knew my mother would hold it over my head for the rest of the week for the smallest infraction (although as far as I can remember, she never actually cancelled a playdate). I loathed that. Then again, I guess me liking it wasn't the purpose of the exercise.

[EdnaMarie]

It sounded vaguely exotic, especially as my room was full of books...

My mom took away my books in hopes I would get motivated to do something else. I actually got grounded FROM MY ROOM because she realized I loved to be alone in my room. Hah! I would have preferred a spanking a million to one over that, especially as I have a high pain tolerance. You can't make me cry without leaving a mark. Probably best she didn't spank, it would have had no effect whatsoever.

[tallulahma]

Originally Posted by EdnaMarie

My mom took away my books in hopes I would get motivated to do something else. I actually got grounded FROM MY ROOM because she realized I loved to be alone in my room. Hah! I would have preferred a spanking a million to one over that, especially as I have a high pain tolerance. You can't make me cry without leaving a mark. Probably best she didn't spank, it would have had no effect whatsoever.

lol! i was grounded from my room too!!!!


my mother took everything out of my room and bagged/boxed it up... then she came in and I was laying on my bed singing and she freaked out.

that is when she grounded me to stay in the living room with her and my stepdad.

it infuriated her that I wasnt crying.

it all seems so silly now, as an adult. I wonder why she wanted to control everything so much. she wanted my reactions to be exactly like hers/

[pauletoy]

Originally Posted by tallulahma

lol! i was grounded from my room too!!!!

I wasn't grounded from my room, I was grounded from having the door "to" my room. That's right...my mom would take the door right off the hinges. Never really made sense to me because she would do it for completely unrelated infractions, like riding my bike too far down the street.

[Fuamami]

Originally Posted by Devaskyla

Ds1 says that a lot. And he smacks himself, too. It's driving me crazy. I just tell him he knows that's not going to happen, so stop saying it. I think he thinks that being hit would be better than feeling guilty/having to admit he made a mistake & do things differently. It's been a regular thing for at least a year now & it's very disturbing.

This sounds like a healthy developing conscience, to me!

[emsparrow]

I was spanked often as a child, and smacked a couple of times out of anger. While my mom and I have a pretty good relationship today, and while I know that her choice to spank usually came from good intentions, the spanking itself was ineffective in terms of behavior change and the memories of it are painful to me. I do think that a punishment based raising did some damage to me and to our relationship, but not so much damage that it's irreparable or that we don't have other good aspects to our relationship. I was also, keep in mind, a very sensitive child. I just want to voice that experience to balance out some of the other childhood experiences with spanking mentioned here. However, I don't think mothers should walk around with guilt and shame for the times when they sometimes act out of anger. We all do that in all of our relationships. The important thing is to see what happened, apologize and move forward.

If I said something like that to my mom as a child, I don't think it would be b/c I preferred one punishment over another, but b/c I still felt hurt about the slapping that had happened and was trying to communicate that in a passive way. That may be totally different than what's going on here, but it might be worth asking her about it (and apologizing for the slapping that happened before if you didn't at the time). Have you ever read "How to Talk So Kids Will Listen..."? It's a great book and might help. Anyway, kids are pretty sophisticated, aren't they? Good luck!

[captain optimism]

Why do you want to take away screen time? Do you think her behavior would be better if she didn't have so much? Is she having trouble sleeping, or not getting enough physical activity? Or are you just taking it away because it's a privilege?

I guess what I'm concerned about is, if you take it away as a punishment and later you figure out that you ought to take it away because it's absence makes her behave better, you've kind of painted yourself into a corner.

If she's willing to talk rationally to negotiate a different punishment, is she also willing to work with you on changing the behavior you don't like?

If you do find that screen time is a problem for her behavior, can you offer her attention and another activity during screen time? I set up a bad pattern with screen time, allowing my son to use a computer just to give me time to write or do other work on mine. Is there a way for you to decrease your own screen time to be there in person? Or do you need her to entertain herself so you can do work? No guilt there, it's just the way things are sometimes.

[meemee]

captain optimism - you bring up a good point. screen time by itself as well as screen time as 'punishment'.

the thing is - i am at a new parenting curve. my dd wants to know what the worst punishment she would get and i wanted to discover that myself. what she consider's punishment.

so far we have gotten away with dialogue. not lecture. and i have told her how spanking even though she asks for it, is not acceptable to me. its not something i want to do.

so yeah capt. we do rationally talk about changing her behaviour. she is a good kid and does do her bit.

actually now that i am thinking about it, this is more about me. i am feeling stressed about life and taking it out of her. i notice there is one thing i do equally worse.

i threaten. because i feel i have lost control. when i really havent. but stress is making me see things 'differently'. and so i threaten i will take away screen time if she doesnt 'listen' now. and she does it immediately. aaaaaaargh i see that's a wrong road for me to take.

she knows not to do too much screen time but we havent had to set a time. because once school starts we dont have time for any screen time. other times we are doing a lot so days of a lot of screen time is rare - but it does happen.

capt. O for some reason dd has always been v. good about entertaining herself. earlier screen time as me time did not work for us because she asked a lot of questions. but she would play for hours by herself with a bag of rubber bands or paper clips.

the guilt here is capt O that on days that i have her i also have school so on those days its a mad rush to finish hw and eat dinner. we dont really get much time together. which is why it really, really works to cosleep.