Please help me parent through this. I'm failing as a mother.

[BarnMomma]

Hi.This is long so TIA for reading...also broken space bar and NAK

DS is 3. He's been my little sunshine from day one. He's beautiful, smart, easy going, just a little delight. We never had terrible twos.

I became pregnant last octoberand all through the pregnancy we talked about birth, watched beautiful homebirths, talked about the baby, talked about things that would be different...this is right up DS's alley. He loves long detailed explainations.

DD was born 7/2 and I had a perfect birth. DS has loved his little sister and is wonderful with her. Wants nothing but to cuddle and kiss her. YAY! One good thing~

And now the hard part...
We just sold our house. We had to pack by ourselves and use those storage PODS because we can't get into our new house for a month. So yes, I had a baby and then began packing an entire (big) house's contents...we filled 5PODS!!! I had a babysitter helping me but it was still a ridiculous task as DD wanted naturally nothing but to nurse 24/7. She also didn't allow anyone to hold her until she was 6 weeks old so it was very hard on me. I was exhausted and my patience was thin.

DS handled most of the packing pretty well untilthe last two weeks. Then it was awhole other child. Yelling, hitting, fussing...about everything! Whiel I understand the changes are hard on him, we can't allow yelling and hitting. (DS is one of thosekidswho doessomething once and it becaomes always if you know what I mean) I try try try to be GD but he really found my last nerve every day and I would yell. He's just learning to yell MORE.

Now we are stuck in a crappy hotel room at a Residence Inn for 5 weeks. DS is off the wall. He's resisting naps..which he still needs...and he turns into a monster. I have my babysitter with me during to day as an extra pair of hands so we can get out and do activities but it's not fun. He doesn't want her, he wants me and Ialways have myhandsfull with a nursing babywho hates her car seat/sling/stroller. He's melting down all the time. I feel like I'm on the verge of PPD with all the stress. I've read how sometimes the older child gets thebrunt of it andmaybe that happening? everything he does right now annoysthe heck out of me. I just keep trying to remindmyself that's he's 3 and it's somuch change for him but he tantrums and hits and kicks and I HATE it.

Today I lost my temper. I offeredto take DSto the store to get some paints so I could do a craft with him...hoping also he'd fall asleep on the way home. I had a stop to make that was necessary on the way so I had to go out. He doesn't want to go,so he yells,runs away,slams a door,and then flings himself on the ground trying to kick me. I yelled, picked him up, and threw him in the car. He fell right asleep. I sat in the parking lot of CVS and cried.

So what do I do?

I'm stressed, he's stressed.

We've beenTV free for a year but I"ve caved and let him watch some movies(to excape into hisown little world for a bit) which he now begs for 24/7ignoring his toys and I feel like it was a mistake.

I don't know what to do. I can't stand life like this. THis was my little angel boy and now I don't even like hearing his voice. I"m trying so hard to be loving andto find ways ofdoing things that's just us, but the oppurtunity comes up, he won't/doesn't want to go. (Like today I had the baby settled in w/ my mom and I was going to take DS alone with me to the car wash becasue he loves squirting the cars with the soapy gun but he wouldn't go.)

My husband and I don't know what to do. We miss the harmony of our family and I loathe having anything but blissful love for DS.

Help! Any advice appreciated.

Also- I had my placenta encapsulated and it seems to be helping a little. I think I'd be feeling worse without it. It's my "happy pill." Also we're health nuts so I eat a good diet and so does DS. No crap.

[madskye]

I only have one and I've never moved but my angelic baby turned three and all of a sudden BOOM became much more high maintenance, threw what felt like constant kicking hitting tantrums, and gave up her nap. It was a really tough year.

One thing that helped was just doing NOTHING every once in a while. Staying home, laying on the couch, maybe watching a movie, maybe just reading and doing crafts but committing to not going anywhere, not cleaning, not cooking dinner for a day or two. It gave me time to regroup, and her time to relax. I don't know why 3 is such a tense time, but they are learning and changing a lot that year. Even without a new baby, I know that I saw DD as a BIG girl at that point, and now I look back and can see what a baby she still was...

Once you get in your house and get your new routine down things will be much better!

[newmommy7-08]

I had my twins on 8/11 and it was like a switch was flipped and my sweet 2 year old DS turned into someone I hate to admit, I don't like much at times. I keep trying to remind myself that he's still a baby too, and that this willpass... but it's HARD!
I don't have any advice, but wanted to let you know I feel for you!

[zinemama]

Originally Posted by BarnMomma

I don't know what to do. I can't stand life like this. THis was my little angel boy and now I don't even like hearing his voice.

Hoo boy. I could have written those words back when I had a 3yo and a newborn. He'd been my delightful little buddy, and now I couldn't stand to be around him. All the same behaviors you describe. (And no move.)

Classic quote from my 3yo from that time:

1 minute: "I want to hug him, I want to kiss him."
Next minute: "Let's take him outside and break him."

To be honest, our relationship was never the same after the baby. And I don't think it could have been, with two kids to mother. The first 7 months after the baby was born were pretty awful.

Then September came and he started preschool. And man oh man, what a difference. Suddenly he had something that was just for him. No baby in sight. A whole new scene. He loved it. And as for me, I had 3 mornings a week where I could nurse my child in peace and even lay him on the floor on a blanket and dangle toys over him, without fearing that Mr. Angry would trample him.

Is preschool an option?

Even then though, there were at least 2 or three years where our family basically split into me and the baby and dh and ds1, in terms of doing anything at all. But it got better. Hang in there.

You are not failing. You've simply got a combo of classic 3yo + classic 3yo reacting to new baby.

[GuildJenn]

You're not failing. And if the TV helps, it's easy enough to disappear it when you move. And if it doesn't, see if the hotel will take it out of the room for you.

It really sounds to me like this is one of those situations where it's anything you can do to get through is a bonus, and if you all make it out with your love intact (and you will) you're good to go.

I also wonder if your baby sitter can take him out on his own so you get a break. He might not love it for the first ten minutes, but rather than trying to use her as an extra set of hands maybe use her for the time apart?

[Storm Bride]

Originally Posted by BarnMomma

Today I lost my temper. I offeredto take DSto the store to get some paints so I could do a craft with him...hoping also he'd fall asleep on the way home. I had a stop to make that was necessary on the way so I had to go out. He doesn't want to go,so he yells,runs away,slams a door,and then flings himself on the ground trying to kick me. I yelled, picked him up, and threw him in the car. He fell right asleep. I sat in the parking lot of CVS and cried.

So what do I do?

I'm stressed, he's stressed.

I wish I had some suggestions. This has been what my life with ds2 has looked like for a large part of the last three years. Most days, I'd say it's improving, but this week has been a bit rough, and today was bad.

All I've got is try to focus on the positives. Remember that wonderful baby/toddler with everything you've got. He's still in there, but he's having trouble. It's very, very, very difficult to function when you're stressed out and your child(ren) is(are) stressed out, too. I haven't found any great solutions...mostly just various stopgaps. I made sure he napped (but there were times it took almost an hour to get him down). I made sure he got protein, to the best of my ability. I tried to get him out to run, but couldn't always.

Good luck! You're not failing. It's just a lot harder than it used to be.

[maddymama]

HI Mama,
Hugs! I went through something very similar to you last year. Adding a new child to the family is rough, and it tends to throw the older kiddos for a loop.
Here are a few suggestions:
1) figure out how to nurse in a sling, or get a baby carrier you can nurse in
2) see if you can find a preschool/part time mother's day out option. That way you can bond with your LO without your older child always there.
3) pump some milk and do something with your older child only......... your babysitter can hold your baby and give her a bottle or two while you reconnect with your son.
4) read playful parenting........ and try to incorporate some of that into your day.

Hugs! It will get better, but it might take awhile. Try to look for the small positives.
~maddymama

[Norasmomma]

3 year olds are NOTORIOUSLY A PITA, then you had a baby, moved and are living in a hotel.....that really is a recipe for harmony lost. It will take a bit to restore that balance and honestly it will not be your former balance, but a new balance.

My problems with DD were from 2-3, she was terrible twos, but many parents say 3 is the terrible threes. My DD was ahead of the curve, and now at almost 4 is pretty much easy(compared to before). We had to go through a change. DS was an easy baby, but he also needed to be held all.the.time.

I'd be using the TV once in awhile, you may not like it, but if it gives you a moment of sanity then I'd be all for it.

My nightmare life was when I was pg with DS, DD drove me insane all.the.time, she was a train-wreck of a toddler, I hated most of her year 2-3. IT was horrible, my son's birth actually brought out a different person in her, as did turning 3, she just matured. She also adored her brother, now this is purely anecdotal, but I swear in the boys I've seen who are first -born, many have a harder time becoming big brother than the girls I've seen become sisters, IDK it's just something I've seen with my own group of friends. Maybe it's some biological maternal thing in girls, I know for my DD she just wanted to help and was happy I wasn't pregnant(I had a wretched pregnancy, I didn't realize until I wasn't). I make a better mom to 2 kids than to one, DS mellowed me out. DD just stressed me out.

Good luck.

[MeepyCat]

I love the preschool suggestion, but I think starting it NOW would be a nightmare. I think the problem is that the kid is reeling from all the changes - new baby, packing, living in hotel. You have another few changes to get through, but you will get through them.

For the moment (yes, the possibly months long moment), it is okay to parent in crisis mode. Have the babysitter take him out. Let him watch movies. Whatever it takes to get you through the day.

There are two things I can think of that might help:
1. Regularly scheduled time outdoors. My three year-old is much happier and easier to deal with when he gets to run around outside. A lot. We put him in a preschool program located IN a city park, and in good weather, the kids are sometimes outside for everything except mealtime and naptime, but he's still noticeably easier to be around when we take him to the playground on the way home. Either go out with him or have the babysitter do it. Or both.

2. Build as much routine as you can. It's possible that a few rituals would help him get a grip on all the changes, and you could carry them through the final move.

[mrsdocmartin]

Originally Posted by zinemama

Classic quote from my 3yo from that time:

1 minute: "I want to hug him, I want to kiss him."
Next minute: "Let's take him outside and break him."

I'm sao glad you wrote this because this sounds EXACTLY like my DS right now. I'm glad I'm not alone!

[ellairiesmom]

hugs mama.

dd1 turns 3 this month & dd2 is 7 mos. our house has been on the market since july & we get a lot of showings w/ 1 hrs notice...i don't even know how i'll pack this place up when (god willing) we sell. congrats to you for doing it with a newborn. holy cr*p!!!!!

dd1 was sweet as sugar till about 6 mos ago. she loves, LOVES her sister but she started her journey to 3 & it's been rough. i am learning as i go. i don't really have answers...i just truly believe it's the age & that the other changes you are dealing with are adding to it. but 3 yr olds are just TOUGH.

and tv can really be a friend in these situations-so let it. i use it when i need to care for dd2 (we are in teething HELL this week) or clean up (a must since we need to sell this house) or need a break & it has really helped us all so i am ok with that. same thing w/ apps on my iphone-we got a bunch of great free kids ones like a memory game, letter tracing & audio books.

[lolar2]

Does the hotel have a pool?

[Linda on the move]

Originally Posted by BarnMomma

Now we are stuck in a crappy hotel room at a Residence Inn for 5 weeks. DS is off the wall.
...
We've beenTV free for a year but I"ve caved and let him watch some movies(to excape into hisown little world for a bit) which he now begs for 24/7ignoring his toys and I feel like it was a mistake.

I've read ALL the stuff on TV, and it is my heartfelt opinion that if you let him watch tv 24/7 while you are in the hotel it will not do any long term damage.

Just let it go.

We've moved a zillion times for my DH's job (hence my screen name) and every time my kids watched too much tv and then after we were settled we went back to very limited tv. They are 12 and 13 now and avid readers with good imaginations and very solid attention spans. It's OK to use this crutch during such a stressful time.

It's also OK to live on delivered pizza.

We really don't have to be perfect and we don't have to live up to our highest ideas ALL the time. Some of the time really is good enough.

I can't stand life like this.

It will pass. It is very crappy right now, but it really is very temporary. The days are long, but they will pass.

My kids at that age would have done best with as much out door, physical time as possible and then falling asleep in the car. Is there a park you can go to and let him run until he's ready to sleep?

I think the "blissful love" thing comes and goes with kids. They all have their little phases when you really wonder why you wanted to be a mother. If you are trying to get back into the groove, try watching him while he is a asleep. Even a child who is going through a horrid phase looks sweet when they are asleep.

[~Elspeth~]

Ok, I have been a nanny for 10 years and now I have my own. So I have had some experience, ESPECIALLY with out of control 3 year olds. Oh MAN I had a doozy of a little girl. She BIT, she kicked, she screamed OH MAN. Now Trust me I KNOW you dont have time to read right now. But there is this book called Parenting with love and logic.

I used these tactics and THEY WORKED.

It took time. But it IS really logical. Its tough at first. But it worked.

This I have to stress. Children THRIVE on Routine. A baby and a hotel room is whats throwing you off here.

Im soooo Sorry your going through this. It will pass. I promise you things will get better. Once you get into your house and get some routine things will get better.

HUG!

I agree preschool could help. Something that is routine would be so great.

I KNOW you want to not use the TV. BUT I promise you It will not hurt your child if you end up using it. It is a GREAT reward for positive behavior.

I used a timer. ALOT
5 min no hitting biting screaming = 5 min TV. 10 min quiet play = 10 min tv. Of course the TV was usually OPB and never more than 30 min in a day.

Timer also helped with her understanding time. "when this timer dings, I will stop fill in the blank and we will do fill in the blank. I built trust by keeping my promises.

The child I cared for was VERY physical.

She also was put in a safe quiet place and told that she could yell and kick and scream as much as she wanted (her bedroom) and was given a bear that was acceptable to bite. But she had to gather herself before coming out. It took 2 and a half weeks. Then it worked. She would actually walk to her room, SLAM the door usually, and scream and kick and fuss. Sometimes she would get distracted and play in there and I would come get her.

My mantra was " Id love to have you join me when you have regained control of yourself" "I see your really really angry. I get angry too. You may not hurt me though. Please stay in here until you can control yourself"

Im not going to lie, I held the door shut a few times and she put a pretty good dent in it. BUT she was too physical with me and she would leave claw and bite marks. I only had to do this a few times. She became less physical. It got to point where I could sit in her room with her and "be angry" with her. together we would stomp and yell until we both felt better.

(disclaimer I wast locking her in her room when she was bad, I was always on the other side of the door, I kept my voice even, and stayed with her on the other side of the door (so she wouldnt hurt me) until I could join her) I dont condone locking a kid away when they are upset, but sometimes 3 year olds can REALLY hurt you and other small children. ) sorry for the disclaimer but there is always someone who doesnt like my tactic, but they didnt know this little girl!

It went from a complete nightmare into working through it. She came to expect my response.

Routine. Better behavior. No more biting and hitting. Trust and respect. and now shes 5 and MUCH better.

Her parents knew EVERYTHING that was going on and thanked me for dealing with it.

anyway... I hope some of this, ANY of this helps.

and once again HUG!

[mum4vr]

I agree with our nanny PP on many things, and w the other mamas.

When DS1 was 3 (14 years ago) I said to a friend, he used to be such a nice kid, haha!

This is NOT permanent. You are NOT a failure. You are a mama doing her best dealing with a difficult time.

I teach at a childrens home, and we use the Love and Logic book with everyone on up thru 19 yo! Works. Every. Time. (eventually...)

Forgive yourself for tv time-- it is not the end of the world, and if it helps now, I'd do it, esp as suggested, in limited doses as a privelege extended when he is more cooperative.

Another thought-- can DS maybe snuggle up with you while you nurse? My boys found the crook of my knee was a great curl up spot while baby was nursing in my lap-- then they didn't feel like I was choosing baby over them-- we were just all cuddling together. This went a long way toward lifting us ALL emotionally, too.

Finally, if you think you are struggling w PPD, please call your mw/ dr right away. It is not worth suffering thru and blaming yourself when you could easily get help. Even if you only ask about it, you will feel reassured and less alone.

blessings

[BarnMomma]

nak

Thanks for all the replies.

DS is beginning a preschool 3 days a week and I'mhoping he likes it and it'snot just one more change.

As for outdoor time this is my biggest concern. We had a decent yard and we were outside all the time. Or we were at my barn...he'd run and climb and play with my babysitter while I rode and dealt with the horses. Now,we don't have a yard-but I take himto my parents house which has a big yard and a garden that he "helps" in but now when we go to the barn he is throwing tantrums all of a sudden which results in him spending all 90minutes or so sitting in the car with the A/C on while my babysitter wanders nearby rocking the baby- screaming flailing toddlers spook horses. We even let him have a few riding lessons to make it fun there again but now he throws a fit if he can't ride or it's my turn. I can't win.

The pool is an indoor chlorine toxic box...we can't swim there. Even if Icould get over the chlorine, DS would be head to toe hives fromit so it's not an option.

I do keep trying to do one on one things with him but like I said, when I'm set up to do so, he refuses.

As for TV I worry because it tends to make him agressive. Not sure why, even just non-character learn to read type shows like brainy baby make him agressive.

We do have a routine still, always have had. We just had to tweak it a bit.

It's so hard right now.

[starlein26]

Originally Posted by BarnMomma

It's so hard right now.

Take comfort in knowing that all mothers have been through this (and those of us with more than 1 have had it that much harder). It sucks...but we don't have a choice.