What do you do to calm yourself when you're feeling just SO frustrated?

[malayasmommy]

So I'm the first to admit that my ability to manage my temper could use a little work. I'm not the most patient person in the world, as much as I try--this bodes well in some areas, but at times dealing with a toddler, it does not. However, as a parent I have to say that I am proud of my ability to manage my temper having a toddler except in one very important area--sleep.
My daughter will sometimes fight sleep like a warrior--and I know she needs it by looking at her and by observing her behavior. For whatever reason, the sleep issue causes incredible frustration for me. Probably because my husband and I work opposite shifts so 5 days a week I am either single parenting or working very hard--sleep is my only downtime. And when she fights it I get MAD. Today, I threw a shoe at our front door. (She was in her room, door shut--she's never in danger of getting hurt.) Other times I have slammed cupboards, even yelled (now I yell into a pillow). While she's never in danger of physical pain, I know it's upsetting to her to see me so frustrated and I feel more than TERRIBLE. It makes me want to cry to think that I scare her. So I want to know what you do, when you are SO frustrated? What helps you?
(For the record, we have a great naptime/bedtime routine--I think the "fighting sleep" is just part of who my daughter is. I know this is something *I* need to work on.)
Thanks so much. I have the most wonderful daughter, I love her with all my heart. I know that my behavior is not OK, and I want to show her a mom with more patience than what I have. I appreciate any and all suggestions.

[tjjazzy]

i find now that i have 2 kids, i'm SO impatient!! it's crazy. i just get to the point where i'm having panic attacks b/c i can't take it anymore.
that said, there are some things that help:
-hubby taking a week off stopped the panic attacks for a while there so i knew i wasn't experiencing a heart condition but just freaking out (good to know but they're back now)
-working out while the kids go to my mom's on tuesdays
-working out while the kids stay home with daddy on mondays
-during fall/winter, doing yoga while the kids stay home with daddy on wednesdays.
-ds2 goes to a sitter once a week so i can work (freelance writing), which makes me feel like i have more than just being "mom" in my life
-getting out on dates with dh here and there while the kids stay with the sitter, even if we're just down the street at friends' houses. sometimes, they have overnights at aunt's houses or my parents' house. i'm blessed with a lovely mom who follows MY rules so that they will be the same when they come home as when i left them (as opposed to the spoiled brats that come home from their other grandma's house!)
-jogging when i can fit it in (last couple weeks, not at all! i was making progress too!) i put ds2 in the jogging stroller, put on my MP3 player, and away we go.
-shopping! i LOVE to shop. LOVE LOVE LOVE. i will take any opportunity to shop. and it will make me happy! even 2nd hand shopping at the dinky little local thrift store with ds2 asleep in the stroller. i don't care. it all makes me happy.
-vegging with dh watching movies on friday nights.

i'm thinking about adding belly dancing in on thursday nights (the kids will be in bed already b/c it's at 9 p.m.)

basically, i HAVE to have breaks. i'm just not one of those SAHMs who can't stand to leave her babies. i don't have the patience. i wish i did. i admire moms who homeschool and spend all their time playing with their kids and all that but i can't do it. i think i was meant to be a working mom but we like that i'm here for the kids and circumstances make me working difficult anyway.

do any of these things strike you as something you might like?

[goldenwillow]

Like a breath of fresh air!

Man, I had a moment today and threw a empty plastic bottle out the door and immediately felt horrible.

(sigh)

DS is the same way lately, fighting sleep.

Well.... will be back, he is up now.

[dolphindance]

OMG Me too!!

OMG you don't know how relieved I am to read this post! I have had so many "I feel soooo bad/regretful" moments after slamming cabinets and throwing things (yes, DS in another room) and I truly thought I was the only one! Not that I want to wish the same frustration and tension into someone else's life, but I feel better knowing my experiences are normal.

I read somewhere that whoever is the one that is with the child the most - me, since I am a WAHM - will get the most tantrums and resistance. Well, my DS (16 mos) used to not go to sleep for DH and would go to sleep after I held him just a couple times but has now switched to now laying right down for daddy, no cuddling, no fussing, and with me insists I hold him forever! I mean at least he's not screaming in my arms and it's nice sometimes to spend that time with him and feel wanted. But when I have a million things to do and I'm behind on work and exhausted myself, I too get mad and frustrated and I've even resorted to asking God..."why why why would you make humans like this?!" while having a pillow fight with my bed (DS in his room)! My husband travels a lot and has an 8 day stint coming up soon during my busiest time of my work and I am just soooo worried how it will be when he's gone. We are hoping DH taking over the night wakings (may be teething or just still not sleeping all night - ugh!) will train him to lay down and go back to sleep on his own before his trip.

I do find when I take the time to workout and spend time in the jacuzzi (we have a fabulous really strong vented one at gym), I am able to clear my mind and feel more relaxed - even if it is for a night. But I have to squeeze the time in and that can sometimes lead to more frustration. Cuz if I'm already tired but only have evenings to go to gym then I lose more sleep. My DH has given me mommy's day off when we can take the time and I've gotten a massage and gone to a movie. That helps but I find myself not able to completely relax. I think I would need a full week off of mommy duty to feel just 50% refreshed. Sometimes even if I am tired and worn out but feel like watching a movie or reading, I just do it. I tell myself I will not regret losing a little sleep and remind myself over and over that this is good for me. It's always good to get sleep but you also need to fulfill your mind. And my DS goes to a babysitter one day a week so I can get work done. I usually do just that, work, but at least turn up the radio and I try to take in the fact that I can do whatever without worrying about DS schedule.

Also, don't know if you want sleeping advice but we just got the Twinkle Twinkle Little Scout stuffed animal and the book that goes with it. Just tried them tonight and it worked! He cried when I left the room for only 1 minute but then played with Scout for about 45 minutes. Then I think he heard my DH come home and he cried out so DH went in and he went down. I'm hoping he will now associate Scout with sleep and no longer need extra cuddles all night.

Don't know if my rant helped but hopefully you too will find relief in knowing there are many other frustrated mommies out there!

[angelandmisha]

I don't know how old your little one is, but I tell my ds(3) that I'm getting frustrated and ask him to help me. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't, but at least I've given him the consideration to alert him that whatever he's doing is bothering me(for whatever reason like I'm tired) and what he could do to help change that. It makes me feel better to try talking to him about my feelings instead of feeling like I have to always put on a happy face for him. I try to be very careful and calm with my tone of voice and word choice and just matter of factly let him know what I need. I tend to get really frustrated about him not wanting to change his diaper or put clothes on. Sometimes I just walk away, saying, " ok, you're not ready to cooperate, let me know when you are." My ds has just turned three and surprisingly, this works pretty well for us- I feel calmer because I've expressed my needs and he tends to be ready to cooperate pretty soon.

I have noticed finally that when he's fidgety at night about going to sleep he's usually hungry and if I'll get him some food, he'll usually fall right asleep afterwards.

And don't feel alone in getting frustrated and losing patience! My ds(3) goes out to his little playhouse, opens the door and slams it while saying, " I'm so fwustwated!" Wonder where he got that?!!

[JudiAU]

It is easy to get MAD. I didn't really understand that for a long time because DS was so easy going. I find it helpful sometimes to breathe hard and detach for a moment asking DOES THIS REALLY MATTER. Also, books that I've read recently are helpful because they pop in my brain at moments of stress.

[noahs_wings]

i've found a few things helpful, first is guilt haha I've gotten to the point that i can see it coming and make myself stop and do something else instead just thinking about how guilty i will feel later when im laying in bed alone and wish i had the moment to do over again! I am VERY self critical and a perfectionist and always have been and with sahming there just is no anything close to an A or perfect or good enough...

So t he biggest thing for me is prevention. If you wake up knowing its going t be one of thsoe days, do less, take on less, take more breaks, let things go.

For example you know the sleep thing is hard, so let yourself know that before it starts: this is hard for me and remind youself what is important, take it one moment at a time etc.

For me i get like that when i get overwhelmed and just want to control everything. So i remind myself that dd doesnt HAVE to do what i say, she's 3 and this is being 3. ITS OK, im not failing, I dont HAVE to make her do it, the world wont end if i let it go! especially if the consequence is me losing it. I walk away, i let her do whatever it is that is about to make me have a melt down and remember its nto worth it!

Also frustration tends to happen for me around 4 -6ish, waiting for dad to get home, dinner, bath, dd is tired, im tired, she acts up, im impatient etc. So leading up to that hour i try to be real prepared, get dinner done early, get rest, needs met etc. Usually it doesnt happen but it helps if it does so its not all at once.

But i guess in the moment, just walking away, breathing, getting outside! thats a big one, just you know what im getting frustrated and im tired lets go take a walk and come back to this... change of scenery helps, dd loves to read books so sometimes we will take a break and read a short book

singing is a miracle: learned this from dd's waldorf teacher haha she sings and its like she's the pied piper the kids just glaze over and do whatever she sings about, works much better in a group, but it changes the tone.

Basically anything to get out of the moment and change SOMETHING in the chain of events that leads to psycho pregnant mommy haha

another thing is for me, waking up early if possible like an hour before dd wakes up so i can get a head start. The days that tend to be best for us are ones where i dont have a long lsit of things i HAVE to get done and then im not hurried. Lately getting o ut the door is such a huge thing for us, shoes, clothes, transitioning from play, there are 100 t hings on the way to the door that dd needs to stop and do even if she actually wants to go wherever we are going.... so if im not in a huge hurry and she has had enough time to just be and play, things go much smoother its the days when we are on the go that are the roughest

[mston]

I've just finished reading
My Stroke of Insight (http://www.amazon.com/My-Stroke-Insi...3796501&sr=8-1
(sorry for such an ugly link!!)
Really interesting read, but she talks specifically about how our brain processes emotions. She says that the initial flood of emotion lasts only 90 seconds before our body flushes all the chemicals actually associated with the emotion. She says that with herself, if she has an emotion that she doesn't want to prolong, she'll let herself experience the emotion fully for 90 seconds, and then work really hard to tell her brain not to reengage the struggle, not to loop on the emotion. If we're angry (or sad, or afraid etc) after that initial 90 seconds, it's because we're revisiting the trigger in our minds. If you can keep your mind from looping on the trigger, you can preventing another flood of emotion-chemicals.
Anyways, definitely give the book a read if this sounds interesting because she describes it in much more detail (and her story is really interesting).
I'm posting it here because I tried it last night - I walked out the front door, stood on the step and waited the 90 seconds, and just being aware that I didn't have to keep feeling angry past that time, that I could let myself let go of the anger....it WORKED! And I'm a serious stewer. I will fume for hours, and I too have a temper.
I felt so !
So I'm sending you all good vibes (including my future furious self).

[malayasmommy]

Thank you so much for all of your suggestions and advice everyone. Your tips are all great, but I think more than anything it helps to know I'm not the only one! Like one of you stated, I would not wish this upon anyone but at least I can take comfort that I'm not the only one who has thrown something out the door. :-)

I know that taking care of myself is really important and if I'm not doing that, my stress tolerance goes out the window. I love to work out, but it's been horribly hot here (and I'm pregnant) so I hadn't worked out in 3 weeks. Also my husband and I single parent during the week (and consequently don't see much of each other Mon-Thurs) so we had grandma watch our DD while we had a "date day". I think we just got in a rut and weren't taking care of ourselves, but the last few weeks has really been a reminder that we need to prioritize a bit differently.

I loved the suggestion about waiting 90 seconds to experience the emotion, I notice that while I have a quick temper it only takes me about that long to calm down (and unfortunately I can do a lot of yelling and slamming cupboard doors in that amount of time!). I'm going to try that trick, give myself some time and see what happens after 90 seconds.

I also try to explain to my daughter what I'm feeling "Mommy is feeling really frustrated because it is nap time and I want you to feel rested". I loved the idea to tell her what she can do to help me with that--she loves to help.

Again, every one of you gave me great advice to use and I am feeling SO much better after a few days!

[caedmyn]

I'm not good at calming myself down, but I have noticed that it is MUCH easier to keep my temper when I'm getting enough sleep. Which isn't easy to do between spending 2 hours getting DS to sleep when DH isn't home to do it, third trimester pregnancy and lots of potty breaks at night, and just life in general. But it definitely helps when it happens.

[potatofairy]

just posting to say thanks to everyone who shared. usually i smoke cigarettes and cry.

[cowboyjunki]

Originally Posted by potatofairy

just posting to say thanks to everyone who shared. usually i smoke cigarettes and cry.

I used to eat a bowl of cereal to calm myself down, as ridiculous as that sounds. But I think I was addicted so I quit!

I have those moments too, especially when my daughter (15 months) is overtired and has refused her nap - just had one of those yesterday! I try to imagine how I would feel if someone else was acting that way towards my daughter and I can straighten myself up for the moment, but usually on days like that, more moments just keep coming. No real advice, just commiseration...

[sillysmile]

This was the story of my day.. 20m DD is sick right now, and neither of us got much sleep at all last night. Every time I'd put her down she would wake up and start whining, so I spent most of the night in the rocking chair. Coupled with some first trimester insomnia all week, I'm pretty sleep-deprived, which just puts me in an angry short-tempered mood. I get SO frustrated with the constant whining/crying/clinging all day long, and tantrums over every little thing. For example, I was cold and put on a sweatshirt, and whe wanted me to take it off and threw a huge fit. I know that she's sick and genuinely feeling bad, but I've found myself yelling at her to be quiet so many times today. I feel so guilty about yelling at her. It's something that I've only done a handful of times but I hate the fact that I'm not more patient with her. I really need to work on this before baby #2 arrives. Thank you all for all of the suggestions, mamas!

[Laur318]

my DS is 17mos. he doesn't understand everything i say, but he does know tone of voice, and he understands the importance of accepting my help (which must be frustrating to need so much mommy help!). when he wont allow me to help (potty, change diaper/clothes, wipe food off face, etc) i look at him in the eyes and say understandingly, "oh, you must not be ready for __ right now. i'll be over here waiting." and i remove myself - walk away, to sit on rocking chair, or i go get back to chores etc. Before i even start my next task, most of the time he comes over with his hand up (beckoning me to hold hands where he'd walk me back to where we were when he refused the help)

[entiti]

I am so thankful for this thread.
I just came downstairs from *finally* putting dd to bed, and told myself I will go to the computer, go onto mothering.com and find something that will help me, and this was the first thing I saw!
*sigh

I just got finished yelling to dd "Why won't you go to sleep!", then I threw my head onto the pillow and muffled a scream. Ugh. Then I apologized, held her in my arms, and kissed her little face until she slipped off into sleep.
I feel so ashamed sometimes that I behave this way. I know it's not her fault when she doesn't peacefully fall asleep in two minutes every night. It is good to know we all feel this way sometimes, though.

I was talking to a friend the other day about how the relationship with our toddlers are just as rich and complex as those with our friends, or husband. We love deeply, share ourselves and our bodies, and we also get frustrated with each other and say or do things we don't mean in a moment of emotion as well. This is inevitable. The best we can do, I think, is try to separate ourselves when possible and cool off. The 5 or 10 minutes I take is for sure a life saver when dd and I are having a "moment." (Unfortunately, dad isn't home tonight)

Anyway....thanks for the great suggestions ladies, and I hope we all get a little peace of mind through all of this