Embarassed? Dissappointed?

[chely7425]

I don't know if this is the right place to put this or not... if it isn't apologies in advance

Hubby and I are currently separated.. I really have NO idea what he is thinking, he is doing in Louisiana getting ready to deploy and me and the kids are up in Washington with my parents. He isn't balking at supporting us financially but last night he said he couldn't talk to the kids because he was playing WoW. He has called only a couple times in the few weeks we have been gone because he says he needs time to himself to think and focus on himself and work. I am just SO dissappointed in him... I know he is a better person than this and I am embarassed that he is acting like this.. and I feel embarassed personally being 33 weeks pregnant with a 1 and a 2 year old and him flaking out. Like it is is my fault... I couldn't do enough or something. He is just being SO selfish and immature and just... I have no idea what to do. Or how to act. Or anything.

[haydn'smommy]

(((hugs))) I'm just starting the divorce process and I know how you feel. I, too, am disappointed in my STBX. I'm embarrassed because I feel like I failed and mostly feel like I failed my kids. I know that as the weeks have gone on that these feelings have gotten better. I'm looking into getting some counseling for myself to work through my feelings. Would that be an option for you?

[chely7425]

I definitely want to look into counseling but I am not really sure how to go about finding someone... I have an OB appointment on the 10th so maybe I can ask then. I can definitely relate to feeling like I failed/failed my kids... nothing is final yet as far as are we divorcing or not, we have mostly decided not to make any permanent decisions hastily but still.. this sucks.

[Theia]

I'm sorry. I second the suggestion for counseling. And please know that it is not your fault. His actions are his own and you aren't causing him to flake out. It's not about you being unable to do enough for him. He is behaving in a disappointing way and you don't deserve guilt for his choices.

[chely7425]

Logically I know this is his choice... but I can't help like feeling that if I had done something different maybe things would be different? I mean, I know we have issues but I always thought we could/would work through them and that he wouldn't just flake out. I really hope he comes around but I am trying to deal with the what ifs in case he doesn't. I think a big thing is I feel really embarassed to be 25 with 3 little kids and living back at my parents house with no career because I have been staying home for almost 3 years. I love staying home but that isn't really feasible if he really does bail on us.

[Super~Single~Mama]

Since you're staying with your parents right now can you go back to school? Is there anyway for you to do things FOR YOU right now since you have the support of your family? If you go back to school, or start looking for a job, you can either continue to stay home if you and your husband work things out eventually, OR you will be on the right track to being able to support yourself and your children if you don't work things out.

Now is the time to start planning - and being proactive might help you feel better about yourself too!

[lilyka]

I noticed you said he is about to deploy. I am not trying to excuse his behavior but is it possible he is having a hard time coping? Maybe intentionally detaching? Are there service to help families within the military? Could you call someone and suggest he get psychological help?

In the mean time.....My xh is a total....but I still was humiliated by everything. I mean stranger knew about our sex life for goodness sakes. And I had chosen this guy. And spent five years worth of him having an affair, neglecting his children, etc etc DEFENDING him. I felt like such a moron. it has been two years and I am still just floored by how foolish I was and how embarrassing this all is.

[chely7425]

I think his upcoming deployment is probably playing into the situation but I think a TON of it is that he is still in a very adolescent mindset of "I am an adult and I can do whatever I want" which is obviously not a functional mindset at this point in our lives. I think I may go back to school or work part time starting in January when the new baby is older but I also want to spend this year with the kids while I can...

[lilyka]

(((hugs)))

[Soul-O]

Since you are in WA, and still a military dependent, there are a host of behavioral health services available to you at the local posts. Ft. Lewis has an excellent behavioral health clinic for dependents only called FAME. The phone number is [phone]. If you don't want to wait for your OB appointment and/or want to see someone outside the military system, you can self-refer through Tricare, either by calling the service center or using Tricare Online.

Good luck to you, mama, and . I understand how it feels to be disappointed by the person you vowed to love through thick and thin. Take care of yourself.

[chely7425]

Thank you for the phone number, I will try and give them a call next week! I hope this is just a blip... but I honestly don't know at this point.

[Guest Mama42]

Originally Posted by chely7425

I think his upcoming deployment is probably playing into the situation but I think a TON of it is that he is still in a very adolescent mindset of "I am an adult and I can do whatever I want" which is obviously not a functional mindset at this point in our lives. I think I may go back to school or work part time starting in January when the new baby is older but I also want to spend this year with the kids while I can...

OMG do we have the same husband? Mine is so into the "you cant tell me what to do!" I swear it is adolescent backlash (he grew up in a very strict very religious home). If i ask him to do something or remind him of something i am this nagging harpy who is trying to steal his joy. It is like he just realized he can now play all the video games he wants and no one can make him be an adult. Sigh

[herbalshakti]

I'm newly separated as well....

what stuck out most for me was the WoW, my partner that I am seperating from was a former gamer and I remember when it was so hard to engage him because gaming really dulled him out, to make matters worse, when we were fighting he usually avoided the heaviness with gaming more. WoW almost destroyed us....but he stopped playing...period...and now we are parting for other reasons..

I don't know your situation but if it has anything to do with WoW then therapy for him/both of you might be worth looking into...even if you do decide that parting is permanentely the best thing, dealing with it as an addiction (i've never seen a WoW player that wasn't but there could be non-addicts out there) can help.

[single_cj]

I feel you ladies who have "gamers" for DHs or STBX's... my DH just refuses to understand that when he's on the PC he's UNAVAILABLE to us... he's like, "but I'm right here if you need me".. right... but then when I "need you" it takes 5 minutes for you to "get somewhere safe" or "save the game" or "finish up", etc., etc., etc... God forbid you need him ASAP.

And the whole not-wanting-to-grow-up, thing... wow... are we sure we're not married to same man?? And my STBX is approaching 40...

[Guest Mama42]

Originally Posted by single_cj

I feel you ladies who have "gamers" for DHs or STBX's... my DH just refuses to understand that when he's on the PC he's UNAVAILABLE to us... he's like, "but I'm right here if you need me".. right... but then when I "need you" it takes 5 minutes for you to "get somewhere safe" or "save the game" or "finish up", etc., etc., etc... God forbid you need him ASAP.

And the whole not-wanting-to-grow-up, thing... wow... are we sure we're not married to same man?? And my STBX is approaching 40...

oh my god - nothing drives me crazy like "let me just get to a safe spot"

[vannienicole]

We all DO have the same ex's!

[Maluhia]

Google "Cycle of Deployment"

Also - Military One Source will pay for six therapy sessions outside of Tricare all together. It is a quick way to get to therapy - marital or otherwise, without involving Tricare, his command, etc.

Mama either way, take care of yourself!