Long/complicated/strange

[confustication]

My daughter is 8, and from a previous relationship. Her bio-dad is not in the picture- at all (hence the 'bio dad' title. She last saw him bout 6 years ago.)

I have remarried a really great guy, and we have been married for several years. We have 2 additional children. DD loves her step-dad, and often identifies him as her dad. She always calls him by his first name with a very rare 'dad' instead. This is a non-issue for all of us, she can call him whatever is comfortable for her. He frustrates her because he teases more than he should (an ongoing point of contention with him, he is not good at relating without teasing/joking but he does make an effort,) but she does love him even with the frustration.

DH recently left to begin the first bit of a family relocation. He will be separate from the family for several months.

Here's my discovery of the day. He left, and she is THRIVING in a way that she has not been. She is much less anxious and articulated a few moments ago that she is glad he is gone for a bit because she gets me to herself (along with her brothers, but she has never had a problem resenting their presence.)

She has done of lot of the 'drive a wedge' stuff to try to force me to choose her first for years. I try to explain that I don't rank family members.

I love seeing her like this, and I do see some things I need to do when we are with DH to help her, but I was SHOCKED at how happy she is to not have him to 'compete with' for my attention.

[pinksprklybarefoot]

I think that this is a common issue in blended families. I wonder why it isn't an issue in nuclear families (or is it?). Does it happen because the children get used to having a parent to themselves?

This dynamic has definitely been present in our house at times.

OP, do you spend alone time with your DD regularly? Is she missing that sort of interaction when your DH is around?

[ssh]

Since there is such a decrease in anxiety the teasing could be a bigger issue than you think. With teasing it isn't the intention of the teaser but the perception of the person being teased that is important. If the person being teased finds it fun then it's ok, but if it makes her feel bad it isn't ok at all. When you think about it a lot of bullying is in the form of teasing. Teasing can be very hurtful.

[confustication]

Originally Posted by ssh

Since there is such a decrease in anxiety the teasing could be a bigger issue than you think. With teasing it isn't the intention of the teaser but the perception of the person being teased that is important. If the person being teased finds it fun then it's ok, but if it makes her feel bad it isn't ok at all. When you think about it a lot of bullying is in the form of teasing. Teasing can be very hurtful.

I agree with this- and it has been a point of contention as I don't think teasing is acceptable in this context, but I also know that he is still learning what a healthy family dynamic is.

This distance is forcing me to examine the reality that- much as I love him and we have a great marriage- there are some challenges that I hadn't worked hard enough to overcome.

[SoulCakes]

I can't comment on the teasing issue, but I do know that DD loves it when her stepdad leaves for a couple of days (she loved it when her dad left for a couple of days, too, back when we were still together). It's mostly because she doesn't have to share my attention, but it's also because we have a more lax schedule when there are only two people to juggle--we can eat later, might even stay up later, we do more things that she wants to do on the weekends. It's just more fun for her.

So I wouldn't say that it necessarily means your DD and DH don't have a great relationship--kids just love having mom all to themselves.

[aricha]

My biological kids often say how much they like "special mommy time" when my husband is out of town. Like a PP said, that time is usually different than when he is home because there is one less person to share my attention, they rarely have to wait to talk to me, I am more likely to cater to what they want, etc.

AND I wouldn't say that they are happier and thriving, less anxious, etc when he is gone. So I think, while it is normal for kids to enjoy time alone with one parent, I bet you are right that there is a little more going on with your relationship than you'd acknowledged while he was there every day. I hope you and your husband are able to find a way to make that part better for your daughter.

[confustication]

Originally Posted by aricha

AND I wouldn't say that they are happier and thriving, less anxious, etc when he is gone. So I think, while it is normal for kids to enjoy time alone with one parent, I bet you are right that there is a little more going on with your relationship than you'd acknowledged while he was there every day. I hope you and your husband are able to find a way to make that part better for your daughter.

I think the part that's struck me is the decrease in anxiety. Luckily we have a bit of time to sort out what we can do so that she is able to always feel safe at home because the shift was/is absolutely huge- beyond the normal,'yay I have mom to myself!' kid stuff.

[VocalMinority]

Originally Posted by pinksprklybarefoot

I think that this is a common issue in blended families. I wonder why it isn't an issue in nuclear families (or is it?).

I think it very likely IS an issue in nuclear families, but there's less opportunity for it to be expressed. As a kid, I got along better with one parent than the other and relished opportunities to have either of them to myself. But that wasn't something I got a lot of (such that someone would observe different behavior out of me, over days or months); nor did I feel entitled to such "alone time", in the way that a child might, who knows she was part of her mother's family before her mother's husband came along.

[junipermuse]

Originally Posted by pinksprklybarefoot

I think that this is a common issue in blended families. I wonder why it isn't an issue in nuclear families (or is it?). Does it happen because the children get used to having a parent to themselves?

My families of origin were blended families, though my family now is not. I can't speak for all nuclear families, but this dynamic is not present in our family. My dd is actually much more anxious when her father is away on trips and seems to be at her happiest, most relaxed and most fulfilled when she has both of us at home. On the other hand she frequently makes comments about how much of a treat it is for her to have me to herself when I take her out without her younger brother. On the other hand I do remember it being a big treat to have my step-father go away on a business trip. I got my mother all to myself and would get to sleep in her bed with her. I had a very good relationship with my step-father but I always wanted more opportunities to have my mom to myself. Though I remember feeling that way more about my sisters than I did about my step-father. If I could have had my way, I would have had my mother's undivided attention 24/7.

[Earthy Mama]

My girls have a VERY happy and healthy relationship with DP. They love him and think of him as dad. Though, when he works late or on the weekends, they ALWAYS ask to do special girl time things. I think in that respect it is normal. They get mom to themselves for a bit.
As for the teasing, I can't comment-dp teases and goofs with the girls but they love it and give it right back to him.

[SoulCakes]

I know you said you think there's more to it than just normal "mom to myself" feelings (and if that's true, I hope you're able to get to the root of the problem), but I thought of this thread today. DH just left on a business trip, and this morning DD kept saying how much she missed him (they usually play weekend mornings). Then this afternoon she realized we got to go to the playground because DH isn't here--we normally go out to dinner together or stay in doing housework or whatever--and she said, "Great! I don't miss him anymore!"

I got a giggle out of it.

[bronxmom]

It sounds like the OP is more responding to the decrease in anxiety which does seem like its likely related to the teasing. It could also have to do with subconscious feelings of needing to "earn" her stepdad's love and/or approval that has nothing to do with him teasing or anything he does but her own insecurities about her place in the family. Her original dad left - and a kid can easily imagine that he "left her". What's to say her stepdad won't leave? I could imagine any number of sources of anxiety both conscious and unconscious. I think it's really really tough to live day in and day out in a house with someone who has total control over you (at least that's the kid's perspective) and who you aren't sure of their total, complete and unconditional love. I would say most stepkids probably feel like that at least part of the time. It seems like your partner's relationship with your daughter is good but also more complex than that. I imagine there's a lot going on. If it were me, I would look into counseling both for her and for him/you - it sounds like this has been an area of conflict for you guys for a while.

I don't mean to be melodramatic. Things can be generally good but still have rough spots. This struck a chord for me because I think it captures a lot of the dynamic between my partner and my daughter. Counseling for all involved has been a big start in the right direction. I'd definitely listen to your instincts on this one.

[bronxmom]

ps - sorry, but i don't think it's that kids in blended family situations feel "entitled" to alone time with their parent, or that it's so strange that they would want such alone time; it stands to reason to me that kids would need time with the parent they have the particular bond with of biology, history, etc and who they know on an instinctive level is the one who will ALWAYS be there and loves them unconditionally

we all want to acknowledge the fact that of course step-parents are going to feel differently about their stepkids than biological children but I see a lot of hesitancy to allow that children might feel similarly and should be respected in that regard - i.e., with more time with a parent to themselves

[VocalMinority]

Originally Posted by bronxmom

ps - sorry, but i don't think it's that kids in blended family situations feel "entitled" to alone time with their parent, or that it's so strange that they would want such alone time; it stands to reason to me that kids would need time with the parent they have the particular bond with of biology, history, etc and who they know on an instinctive level is the one who will ALWAYS be there and loves them unconditionally

we all want to acknowledge the fact that of course step-parents are going to feel differently about their stepkids than biological children but I see a lot of hesitancy to allow that children might feel similarly and should be respected in that regard - i.e., with more time with a parent to themselves

Sorry if it came across as though I think wanting - or feeling entitled to - alone time with a parent is a negative. I just meant...well, what you seem to be saying.

Even if you like your stepfather and he's the only father-figure in your life, if you can remember a day when it was just you and Mom, you might (understandably and naturally) feel like that is the "core unit" and feel "right" about occasionally revisiting that sense of it being "just the two of you".

I feel like the kids in my own blended family are entitled to alone-time with their biological parents, and we make opportunities for that.

Kids in nuclear families can also feel this way (i.e., there's no reason to assume the OP has a serious problem with her spouse and her daughter). But in nuclear families, the parents' relationship pre-dates their individual relationships with the kids. So, when those kids get extended time alone with one parent (I don't mean a trip to the grocery or the movies; I mean one parent going away on business or to care for a sick relative) - even if the kid enjoys that alone-time - it will still feel odd and unusual, rather than "a return to the way things used to be", or something they're supposed to have, every so often.