How do I handle too much unwanted advice from the in-laws?

[~Elspeth~]

I remember reading an article a long time ago about how to deal with unwated advice to in-laws sensitively. I cant find it now.

I need some advice because right now im feeling angry and frustrated and I need a sensitive and non confrontational way to deal with my mother in law.

She is very touchy, and if it is not said "just right" she will have a cow and bring it up for years to come.

Basically every time we see her she points out things that im doing wrong, or that I should "consider" and she does this in a very blameful and snarky way.

My cup of patience is running low.

Besides the fact that I have a degree in early childhood education, and have 10 years experience of being a nanny before having my own child, its just annoying!

How can I deal with this like an adult? I really want to stamp my foot and yell like a 3 year old. (which I may or ay not be doing in the privacy of my own home )

[mamakaikai]

Tell her that if she is so confident she's done such a perfect job of raising her kid, than she should have no problem trusting how they choose to raise their kids. Including who their kid chooses to reproduce with and how that person parents.

Or if that is too much, then just say, Thank you for your advice, we'll take it from here. Or Oh, I see what you are saying. And then continue on with parenting the way you choose to. Don't leave room for your parenting choices to be discussed if its no open for discussion.

It's a bit like being vegetarian and constantly being offered meat. You can't stop someone from offering meat (or advice/criticism) but you can continuously say no thanks. Eventually they get it, and if not, then they stop trying to change you.

[crunchy_mommy]

Could you say something like, Thanks for all your advice, but right now I really need space to figure out my own way of parenting & make my own mistakes. You did a great job raising DH & any time I need advice I know I can call you!

If you don't think that would go over well, then I second just saying "OK thanks" and continuing to parent however you please.

[MariesMama]

I'm a big fan of chirping, "Oh, okay!" and changing the *(#)%* subject. It works for me.

[Amberenergy]

I agree with Maries Mama. I had the inlaws from hell, SIL and MIL and every once in a while I would lose it completely, lol. I had two kids under three years old and really, could they just shut up. It was so funny, MIL was going on and on about the Feingold diet once and my son didn't have any allergies. They were so weird!! When I am a MIL or Grandma, all I will ever say is what a beautiful baby. That's all that needs to be said. Advice unless asked for is completely UNWANTED!!! LOL. Not that I would ever ask for advice from those people.
Anyway I know that is not vy constructive or evolved and just a vent...still am a bit traumatized all these years later. If I could rewind, I would go with nodding, smiling and agreeing. Then just do what you want to do. Being rational with such people is just a huge waste of time. Mostly yours. LOL.

[happysmileylady]

How old is your little one? Could you fake a hormonal meltdown and burst into tears?

[limabean]

"Thanks but we've got it. Great bean dip, huh?"

[mamazee]

I suggest finding a stock phrase that is polite but says almost nothing, and then repeating that exact phrase with the same wording every time. She'll catch on soon enough.

[mumkimum]

"hmmm. . . that's interesting" and continue to do what you do remembering that you're the one living with kid 24/7, and have to do what works best for both of you (only people who dictate what and how stuff goes are imo, are the one's doing the bulk of caretaking - this is most likely you and not her, if the stuff she's saying wouldn't work for you or your kid that it just isn't applicable. Sure it'd be nice if she knew you well enough to know that. . . but whatever.)

Something like "I don't want to talk about taking care of the kids MIL, I do that all day, seen any good movies lately/read any good books/etc?" could work well too.

[peainthepod]

Just don't make it open for discussion. Your life is not a democracy; she doesn't get a vote on how you raise your children. So don't treat her as though she gets a say.

Her: "You should blah blah blah unwanted advice do as I say blah blah..."

You: "This is what works for our family and it's not open for further discussion or debate. Pass the salt?"

The key is to say this firmly and pleasantly, with eye contact. And it's such a catch-all response that it applies to nearly anything she could say, so you can use it every time. Replace "Pass the salt?" with any subject-changing thing you can think of, but never back down, and never feel ashamed for standing up for yourself. You're the mama.

So what if she freaks out and melts down like some ridiculous toddler? She's a grown woman and you're not responsible for her reactions. Don't let her use emotional blackmail to make you walk on eggshells around her. Assuming she's sane and not seriously disordered, eventually she'll realize that she'll never get more than that canned response from you and give up. You're under no obligation to put up with unsolicited advice after you've made it clear that it's unwelcome.

If she's seriously disordered and you get some scary reactions after using the above response, just walk away when she starts up with the unsolicited advice. Find a reason to go to the bathroom, or check on something in the kitchen, or check on the little ones. Literally remove yourself from her presence when she starts in on you, and what can she do without looking completely insane?

[LynnS6]

"Oh, interesting. I'll think about that. How about those Packers?"

aka the "pass the bean dip" technique. Acknowledge that they said something and change the topic. You can think all you like about it. You can even think unpleasant thoughts about their advice . Just don't respond in any meaningful way. Then change the topic.

The best topic changes are ones where you ask them about themselves. "How did your trip to the mall go?" that gets the focus off of you and on to them. Everyone loves to talk about themselves.

[MCatLvrMom2A&X]

I always smile and nod then turn my head and and do what I know I need to.

[prone_to_wander]

My mil is constantly asking me when I'll be getting a crib (we co-sleep). I just point out that I have no place to put one.

For everything else I use a combination of my doctor says or they've done some studies that show that bla bla bla

[angelachristin]

I really like the suggestion to just keep saying something like, "Oh, I see what you are saying." and leave it at that. I'm going to have to start doing that.

Right now, my MIL mostly leaves me alone because she has figured out that she should. But she still tries to get on top of me in medical situations, because she was a nurse in the Jurassic period and thinks she knows what's best. I just tell her that the doctor told me otherwise. "the doctor" works wonders with her, even though it's usually a quite imaginary doctor. My DS had a fever a week or so ago and she was having a nervous breakdown because I wouldn't give him Tylenol until I told her that "the doctor" told me that new studies have shown that giving Tylenol makes febrile seizures more likely, not less. That got her to shut up. I just made it up, but I did read somewhere where it said that a spiking fever is what causes a seizure, and that can be caused by a fever shooting up as Tylenol wears off, so I told her that and she quieted right down. This was after screaming in my face, "HE HAS A FEVER FOR A REASON, YOU KNOW! YOU HAVE TO DO SOMETHING!!! HE'S GOING TO HAVE A CONVULSION!" (His temp was only 102... )

[captain optimism]

Sometimes, when you're feeling patient, you can ask your MIL what advice she got from her mom and MIL about raising your DH. That's a good way to divert her from giving you advice and you can also get information about what it was like for her when her children were this age. Double win--but it takes so much focus to do it!

I'm never patient enough to just say, "Oh, OK!" At one point when my MIL was talking about how someone else was parenting and why I should try it, I said pretty forcefully, "I wouldn't do that because I think it's wrong."

[Mummoth]

Luckily, SO gets the brunt of it... I just don't know why he tells me about it! Last time she said "I hope you aren't letting those kids walk all over you like someone we know does!" MIL has sort of a demand respect/give non philosophy about parenting, which SO's brothers & SIL's seem to agree with. We don't discipline the kids so much as (try to) guide them and allow them to experience the results of their choices. SO told her when we want her opinion we'll give it to her

[Tigerchild]

My mom is the one like this (down to the ZOMG SENSITIVE I MUST GOSSIP TO EVERYONE FOR 100 YEARS BC U SO MEEEEEEEAAAAAANNNNNNNN!!!). Because of that, frankly, I probably feel more empowered to be a you know what when I have to because it's my mom and DH will bow to my choice in how to deal with her.

So, I could run her into the ground with my catastrophic wit, I'm definitely more verbally powerful and more alpha than she is, I'm not at all intimidated...yet I still choose to smile and nod and say "that's nice." Why? Because I don't want to reward her for being a pain in the butt. It's the most annoying person who's going to win the "I know you are but what am I" contest if it starts, so I just do not go there. It's not worth expending my very limited energy in a negative emotion over someone who has no real power over me or my life or my family's life. For someone who is oversensitive in that way, there's nothing in the world more rewarding than you giving them yet another thing to sob on other people's shoulders about for the rest of their life. I'm a UA violation. I LOVE to WIN. And winning with a passive aggressive person means frustrating their every attempt to get your goat. Ho hum reactions. If you don't dance like a puppet on their string, they will stop (or at least the attempts will be less numerous) after 5 years or so depending on how many other people they have to play with.

How much attention you give her over this (in my blunt, quite you-know-what-y viewpoint about stuff like this) should have a direct correlation to how much invitation you wish to give her to keep discussing it. For me and my mom, the situation stays much calmer if I practice my meditation while she goes on about something and keep it as boring as possible for her. It doesn't take her long to jump to my dad to start poking, since he provides her with more entertainment and will play the game better than me.