Probably soon to be single mom

[Guest Mama42]

I dont even know where to start and this will probably be all over the place. I have 3 kids with dh. We have been together 10 years. I thought we had a decent marriage, not perfect but pretty darn good for having 3 very young kids.

I dont want to give too many identifying details and i will probably erase this so please dont quote me.

Basically he says he loves me but we dont have passion. He finds me attractive but doesnt want to have sex with me. He will snuggle up with me and watch a movie and try and get sitters for a date night but he thinks we are better off friends. Well color me confused.

He would probably stay if i asked him to. We would just float along. I am trying to weigh us staying with me knowing how he feels (which of course hurts like hell) and him leaving. It would be hard financially, i would have to get aid to finish going to school and the babes would have to go to part time daycare for me to be in school. It would be so so hard on the kids. they are so used to the family being together and doing family things.

On the other hand i dont want to live knowing he is just staying for the kids. That is a huge blow to my pride. I deserve to be loved and deserve to be happy. I just feel so angry at him. Like he used me. He took this young beautiful confident girl and then i did all the hard work of carrying/birthing/nursing babies while he furthered his career and finished his schooling and now i am in a MUCH worse position then i was when we started and he is in a great postion.

He is being very nice and i can tell he is struggling and doesnt want me to hate him.

I dont even know what I am asking here. I feel so confused and hurt and angry and sad.

I am in counseling to help me sort this out.

[Hollycrand]

Is it a possibility for you both to go to marriage counseling?

[Guest Mama42]

tried - the first one was lame and didnt get our issues - he saw my counselor and she is willing to see us for some family sessions but he just doesnt get it.

i think he just doesnt get it. i come from divorce, i know what it is. i think he has this vision of life where he will get to take the kids to the park, and baseball games and all that fun stuff and then he can date and play video games and not have any "rules" you know like helping around the house and parenting.

[chely7425]

Originally Posted by wwyd

tried - the first one was lame and didnt get our issues - he saw my counselor and she is willing to see us for some family sessions but he just doesnt get it.

i think he just doesnt get it. i come from divorce, i know what it is. i think he has this vision of life where he will get to take the kids to the park, and baseball games and all that fun stuff and then he can date and play video games and not have any "rules" you know like helping around the house and parenting.

Me and my husband are currently separated and while our issues are much different and he is NOT being nearly as civil this seems to be his idea of what would happen should we divorce too.. I am hoping it doesn't come to that for us though.

[momof4peppers]

I ask this with all gentleness, but could you H be gay? Something about your description just leaps out at me that it may NOT be you. It may very well be that he's coming to realize his true nature.

And your kids WILL have a family. One that does 'family' things. Families come in all shapes and sizes and configurations. Single mamma and kids is very much a family.

I'm sending you peace and love on your journey, wherever it takes you.

[wytchywoman]

Could you live as co-parents until you are finished with school. I know it's not ideal and emotionally it would be hard, but how much longer do you have to finish school? Could you stick it out until you're done?

[Guest Mama42]

mom - i dont think he is - he wants to date young attractive nonmoms - ya know, who are fun because they are not up nursing all night
I know we will still be a family - it will just crush me to do anything that hurts my kids


wytchy - we could do that. i dont know if i can handle it though. i feel like we should either be working on our marriage or we should be apart. I feel like i have a 4th kid who gives me too much grief
I just struggle with the fact that it is good enough but not ideal and i also dont want to keep putting energy into something he is unwilling to put into.

i guess i will see how this week goes. he is supposedly going to check into counseling...

chely - i dont understand these "men" who think they can get out so easy and will have this ideal party life and still be a "good dad"
it is such a peter pan idea - i feel like he didnt grow up. which is hard because other people think he is a great dad. but, to me, great dads dont act like jerks and rip up their family...

[chely7425]

Originally Posted by Guest Mama42

chely - i dont understand these "men" who think they can get out so easy and will have this ideal party life and still be a "good dad"
it is such a peter pan idea - i feel like he didnt grow up. which is hard because other people think he is a great dad. but, to me, great dads dont act like jerks and rip up their family...

I don't get it either... Everyone thinks my hubby is a great dad too and he is, when he WANTS to be, but to me it isn't really a pick and choose sort of thing...

[meemee]

Originally Posted by Guest Mama42

chely - i dont understand these "men" who think they can get out so easy and will have this ideal party life and still be a "good dad"
it is such a peter pan idea - i feel like he didnt grow up. which is hard because other people think he is a great dad. but, to me, great dads dont act like jerks and rip up their family...

i understand mommy that you are still at the grieving stage of separation and perhaps anger too.

beware of the last statement. i will say i am SOOO GLAD ex ripped our family apart. i was able to parent dd my way and it has REALLY helped her personality. a lot. i was totally torn up initially but as life went on i found it really helped not trying to coparent with ex as dh living in the same house.

i enjoyed my ex initially being a "good dad". it gave me time to prop dd up emotionally. i got more time with her and was able to truly empathise with her.

i got to be the winner. i got to totally bond with her in a manner her father never has been able to.

and he has gotten better with dd and being responsible as seh has gotten older.

but at 18 months it was better me parenting longer than him, as he could handle only so much.

[MissLotus]

it is such a peter pan idea - i feel like he didnt grow up. which is hard because other people think he is a great dad. but, to me, great dads dont act like jerks and rip up their family...

I agree with this. And I always want to roll my eyes when people around town think my ex is this great dad because he throws a ball with our son sometimes. Like he's a hero simply because he didn't leave altogether. He does absolutely none of the responsible parenting, preparation for school, medical appointments, making sure he has everything our child needs - I do all of it (and gladly) alone but no one seems to notice that. It seems the bar is set very low for such men, and very high for mothers. But that doesn't mean I have to buy into such standards. I think a good man treats his child's mother well. Period.

That being said, when someone isn't such a great dad or partner and they end up damaging the family more than contributing to it, sometimes life is much better without them in the household. When there is tension and a lack of respect, kids notice that. It may be that he'll only be responsible in a part-time capacity, BUT that does not have to affect your enjoyment of parenting. I know that in my case, our household of two is happy and peaceful and whole - much more than it would have been if my ex still lived here.

[lilyka]

Originally Posted by MissLotus

it is such a peter pan idea - i feel like he didnt grow up. which is hard because other people think he is a great dad. but, to me, great dads dont act like jerks and rip up their family...

I agree with this. And I always want to roll my eyes when people around town think my ex is this great dad because he throws a ball with our son sometimes. Like he's a hero simply because he didn't leave altogether. He does absolutely none of the responsible parenting, preparation for school, medical appointments, making sure he has everything our child needs - I do all of it (and gladly) alone but no one seems to notice that. It seems the bar is set very low for such men, and very high for mothers. But that doesn't mean I have to buy into such standards. I think a good man treats his child's mother well. Period.

That being said, when someone isn't such a great dad or partner and they end up damaging the family more than contributing to it, sometimes life is much better without them in the household. When there is tension and a lack of respect, kids notice that. It may be that he'll only be responsible in a part-time capacity, BUT that does not have to affect your enjoyment of parenting. I know that in my case, our household of two is happy and peaceful and whole - much more than it would have been if my ex still lived here.

amen. amen. and amen.

It drives me nuts.

[texmati]

Originally Posted by Guest Mama42

I just feel so angry at him. Like he used me. He took this young beautiful confident girl and then i did all the hard work of carrying/birthing/nursing babies while he furthered his career and finished his schooling and now i am in a MUCH worse position then i was when we started and he is in a great postion.

I'm so very sorry. What you've written here really touches a nerve. It's heartbreaking.

[journeymom]

^ Agreed.

[GranoLLLy-girl]

Originally Posted by MissLotus

it is such a peter pan idea - i feel like he didnt grow up. which is hard because other people think he is a great dad. but, to me, great dads dont act like jerks and rip up their family...

I agree with this. And I always want to roll my eyes when people around town think my ex is this great dad because he throws a ball with our son sometimes. Like he's a hero simply because he didn't leave altogether. He does absolutely none of the responsible parenting, preparation for school, medical appointments, making sure he has everything our child needs - I do all of it (and gladly) alone but no one seems to notice that. It seems the bar is set very low for such men, and very high for mothers. But that doesn't mean I have to buy into such standards. I think a good man treats his child's mother well. Period.

That being said, when someone isn't such a great dad or partner and they end up damaging the family more than contributing to it, sometimes life is much better without them in the household. When there is tension and a lack of respect, kids notice that. It may be that he'll only be responsible in a part-time capacity, BUT that does not have to affect your enjoyment of parenting. I know that in my case, our household of two is happy and peaceful and whole - much more than it would have been if my ex still lived here.

This is incredibly insightful. Amen, amen, amen...again!

[chel]

i've so been there.
when my h was saying "i love you, but not in love with you" he was already having an affair. yeah, with a young gal that also dumped her family so the two of them could go off and have that kid free exciting time. it lasted 3 weeks before he came crying back.
while he was a decent dad before all this and had great plans to continue. once he was on his own, his priority was totally his girlfriend. only saw dd1 when he wanted to do laundry (i stayed at the home, he and the gf got a hotel) and insisted that he still owned half the washer and dryer. he would take dd1 out on the weekend just for a movie, so he could text his gf the entire time. this caused dd1 so much pain and she begged for me to do something.

no real advice to give except i know how awful it feels. we are back together, but i plan to make sure i'm always in a position to support myself. plan to go back to school asap.

i found friends the only way to save my sanity

we moved several states away to get away from the gf, a co-worker, and i'm about to die without some close friends

[GranoLLLy-girl]

Hang in there Chel and others--my h did the same darn thing. 20 years of marriage, big stupid house that I can't afford on my own, two kids, two dogs and a cat.
He announced on our anniversary that he was "done" and has been acting like his kids never existed---and you should see the crap he posts on Facebook. Frankly, I think he is an embarrassment. At first I was so upset, how could he, etc., but now I am starting to get really mad. And that's good.
And actually, I think to myself that it should take a long time to heal--after all--it was half of my life that I spent with him, but actually, I think I'm going to get over it much faster because I don't KNOW this man that he has become. And I am ashamed of him.
Get yourself to a good church--even if you don't consider yourself to be religious. It has made all of the difference in the world to me to have a place to go on Sundays...and my job. It WILL get better for ALL of us!

[Guest Mama42]

Thank you all so much for your replies/support/help. It is nice being heard.

meemee - it is hard because he parents the same way i do - we dont fight about any of the stuff regarding the kids and we really do work great as a family. I know we would be fine, i would probably even enjoy myself more with him gone but it is a scary change to think of. I also really help to facilitate their relationship with him and i worry he wont do as good with them on his own.

miss - that is one thing i am angry about = he already gets to do a lot of the fun part of parenting while i do the dirty work. With the visitation we talked about he would not be getting kids ready for school, into bed, bathed etc. he would get to be the fun miniature golf dad. I hate that people are amazed when he changes a diaper or something. This contributes to men that have the messed up sense of being so wonderful for "babysitting" and helping run the household.

chel - i feel like things will go one of 2 ways. he will either be miserable and realize what he lost. or, like many others i have seen, will get wrapped up in his new life and be the token "dad" and slowly fade out of our lives. he doesnt think that could ever happen but he is a very very selfish man.

granollly - i am totally ashamed and embarrassed. I feel like i havent known him at all, like i was living with a stranger or something, or like he was body snatched.

tex - he knows i feel that way and he has admitted that it makes him feel like a jerk. I told him feeling like a jerk doesnt make it any less true.

I feel duped, like i had a contract with him to do A B C and he said "well you put in the hard work of A and i got to do B and now you can figure out C on your own."

While i know we will be fine, or perhaps more then fine, i still mourn those plans, that dream. If we divorce this will be a huge shock to our friends and family. No one has any idea. I feel like this switch in him flipped. I knew the early years of pregnancy and raising kids would be hard but i put in the time knowing that i would "get mine" later and i am fine sacrificiing for my kids now when they need me most.

the good thing is I AM SMART and I AM STRONG and i have faced so much more adversity in my life then he has in his pampered little boy life and i will be fine. I have a ton of friends and family and he has no real relationships due to his own selfishness. I AM A GOOD PERSON and i will do fine weather he stays or goes...

[single_cj]

Oh, this is all so familiar and so crappy. Whoever of you posted that the bar is set so high for moms and so low for dads is so right. I think it's the husbands that perpetuate it. My STBX would come out all proud & puffed up & looking for an ego stroke (or a stroke of something else ) when he did some little thing like change a diaper or take a crib sheet off (not wash it or anything, just take it off the mattress!).

Now that we're living 1000+ miles away, he's constantly whining about how much he misses his kids, etc., etc., etc.... I just want to scream at him, "THEN WHY DIDN'T YOU TAKE ADVANTAGE OF IT WHEN YOU HAD US THERE!?!?"

My thought is this: my STBX like HAVING children, OWNING a house, and HAVING a wife, but he doesn't want to PARENT his kids, MAINTAIN his home, or be a HUSBAND. Does that make sense??

[MissLotus]

Originally Posted by single_cj

Oh, this is all so familiar and so crappy. Whoever of you posted that the bar is set so high for moms and so low for dads is so right. I think it's the husbands that perpetuate it. My STBX would come out all proud & puffed up & looking for an ego stroke (or a stroke of something else ) when he did some little thing like change a diaper or take a crib sheet off (not wash it or anything, just take it off the mattress!).

Now that we're living 1000+ miles away, he's constantly whining about how much he misses his kids, etc., etc., etc.... I just want to scream at him, "THEN WHY DIDN'T YOU TAKE ADVANTAGE OF IT WHEN YOU HAD US THERE!?!?"

My thought is this: my STBX like HAVING children, OWNING a house, and HAVING a wife, but he doesn't want to PARENT his kids, MAINTAIN his home, or be a HUSBAND. Does that make sense??

It makes a great deal of sense! (And by the way, the first paragraph made me laugh). My ex liked the idea of everything but that's really it - I remember before we were even married he talked about how he pictured having kids playing around while he mowed the lawn... in reality this dude is put out if he has to change a light bulb. And so irresponsible that I'd never trust him to mow a lawn where kids were around anyway, as he wouldn't have the sense to keep them away from the blade.

So now he's there for the Kodak moments; for example, the first day of school he makes a great show of accompanying us to school - but did he do a single thing to get our son ready? Give me any extra money for school clothes or the huge bag of supplies the school requires kids to bring, etc? Filled out the endless forms, get our son a haircut, make sure our son did the summer reading project? Why no, he didn't. But he struts along like he owns the place, not a care in the world.

And the part that makes me craziest is that it's not just men that perpetuate this idea that men are the cat's meow for contributing in the merest of ways. It's women, too. Thank goodness I have a mom friend in town who understands - she's married to an extremely decent man who spends plenty of time with his child, and not just for show. On weekends he's always taken their son to the playground early in the morning while she slept in, as she got up early all the other days. But at the playground, even the moms would fawn all over him for being so wonderful as to spend time with his own son! (Because inexplicably their husbands wouldn't "let" them sleep in, nor did they seem to expect it.) As if a parent should earn bonus points for that!

I don't know if it's a weird 1950s mentality here or what, but it surely makes me wonder why women expect so very little from men. I certainly think this culture of very low expectations has made it highly permissable for men to leave their families and do exactly as they please, because there are NO repercussions, there is no stigma... they can cheat or be all manners of irresponsible, but all they need to do is show up at the occasional baseball game and they're good to go: instant Father of the Year!

And the sad part is that I'm not exaggerating. I see it all the time.

[lilyka]

My xh girlfriend (formerly known as the mistress) was like this too. I remember reading an email she sent him and she was going on about what a great dad he was and OMG you're such a good father they are so lucky, lets run away with your girls and be a family. When the heck had she ever seen him with his kids? Maybe a few seconds here and there when he paraded them in front of the web cam? when he had one at a time for an hour here or there. not to mention while he was supposed to be parenting his children he was chatting with his mistress. No to mention where does she think those kids are when he was traipsing around the world with her or shacked up in hotel rooms down the street or up at all hours chatting online? How little does it take for her to think he is a really great dad? Could that bar be any lower?

And everything is win win for him. He hardly has to spend any time with his kids. when he does he is the fun guy. and he likes it this way. He regularly ditches them on his scheduled visitation. If he pays child support he is a super hero. and he still gets to whine about how much he misses the kids he never had even 5 minutes for before. He posted on facebook wha wha my kids didn't cal me for fathers day. Um well, it was his visitation day but his girlfriend was more important. if he had been parenting his children they wouldn't have needed to remember to call. But of course he had like 30 sympathetic comments. Its easy to be the best dad in the world when someone else is pulling all the weight.