Probably soon to be single mom - Page 2

[vannienicole]

Originally Posted by lilyka

My xh girlfriend (formerly known as the mistress) was like this too. I remember reading an email she sent him and she was going on about what a great dad he was and OMG you're such a good father they are so lucky, lets run away with your girls and be a family. When the heck had she ever seen him with his kids? Maybe a few seconds here and there when he paraded them in front of the web cam? when he had one at a time for an hour here or there. not to mention while he was supposed to be parenting his children he was chatting with his mistress. No to mention where does she think those kids are when he was traipsing around the world with her or shacked up in hotel rooms down the street or up at all hours chatting online? How little does it take for her to think he is a really great dad? Could that bar be any lower?

And everything is win win for him. He hardly has to spend any time with his kids. when he does he is the fun guy. and he likes it this way. He regularly ditches them on his scheduled visitation. If he pays child support he is a super hero. and he still gets to whine about how much he misses the kids he never had even 5 minutes for before. He posted on facebook wha wha my kids didn't cal me for fathers day. Um well, it was his visitation day but his girlfriend was more important. if he had been parenting his children they wouldn't have needed to remember to call. But of course he had like 30 sympathetic comments. Its easy to be the best dad in the world when someone else is pulling all the weight.

[Guest Mama42]

Originally Posted by single_cj

My thought is this: my STBX like HAVING children, OWNING a house, and HAVING a wife, but he doesn't want to PARENT his kids, MAINTAIN his home, or be a HUSBAND. Does that make sense??

ahhh - that is hitting the nail right on the head.
It is all good and fine to show off our healthy breastfed baby and well bahaved smart kids but god forbid he help make them that way or be greatful that i did.

It is such a cliche the story is always a variation of the same. "i am not ON love" "i dont feel a spark" and they usually are addicted to video games or porn or work or all 3.

Sigh - stuck - conflicted - blindsided. that is me. At least i feel like yall get me.

[haydn'smommy]

Oh, honey, I get ya. I feel all those things. I was totally blindsided when my STBX told me that he had no feelings for me, that he wasn't attracted to me, that he couldn't stand to be around me, etc, etc, etc. I've busted my a** for the past 7.5yrs to take care of him and our home and eventually our kids. I do/did EVERYTHING around here and get/got ZERO appreciation for it. But, he takes 1 kid to the Bounce House or fixes something around the house and he expects and needs a freaking cookie and ego stroking.
Mine says he just wasn't meant to be married. I think that's a cop out. I think it's hard work being married and he just gave up and is choosing the easy way out.

[MissLotus]

[QUOTE=lilyka;15821858]

And everything is win win for him. He hardly has to spend any time with his kids. when he does he is the fun guy. and he likes it this way. He regularly ditches them on his scheduled visitation. If he pays child support he is a super hero. and he still gets to whine about how much he misses the kids he never had even 5 minutes for before. He posted on facebook wha wha my kids didn't cal me for fathers day. Um well, it was his visitation day but his girlfriend was more important. if he had been parenting his children they wouldn't have needed to remember to call. But of course he had like 30 sympathetic comments. Its easy to be the best dad in the world when someone else is pulling all the weight.[/QUOTE]

You said it.

[papayapetunia]

Is it possible he's already having an affair? I hate to put thoughts into your head that aren't already there and that may not be true, but in July 2009, my H gave me pretty much the same speech, and I found out in August 2009 that he was having an affair. The thing is, people that are having affairs and plan to leave their spouse all do and say the same things. And their heads are so far up their behinds, that they actually believe the stuff that comes out of their mouths. They're like crackheads. I'd be checking phone records and emails if I were you. My H and I are reconciled, but it took a long time for him to get his head out of you know where. It helps tremendously to expose an affair. They have to face reality and it ain't so pretty. If you do think he's having an affair, or wonder, I'd go over to survivinginfidelity.com and check out the forums and the reading. Statistically, men rarely leave marriages without having greener grass lined up.

[lilyka]

Originally Posted by papayapetunia

Is it possible he's already having an affair? I hate to put thoughts into your head that aren't already there and that may not be true, but in July 2009, my H gave me pretty much the same speech, and I found out in August 2009 that he was having an affair. The thing is, people that are having affairs and plan to leave their spouse all do and say the same things. And their heads are so far up their behinds, that they actually believe the stuff that comes out of their mouths. They're like crackheads. I'd be checking phone records and emails if I were you. My H and I are reconciled, but it took a long time for him to get his head out of you know where. It helps tremendously to expose an affair. They have to face reality and it ain't so pretty. If you do think he's having an affair, or wonder, I'd go over to survivinginfidelity.com and check out the forums and the reading. Statistically, men rarely leave marriages without having greener grass lined up.

I didn't want to say it but this was the first thing that popped into my mind.

[Guest Mama42]

I do not think he is having an affair. I have scoured the computer and he has worked from home the last few months so is rarely not with me or the kids. I think he is really full of himself and thinks he will easily get all sorts of hot chicks when he is separated. He really does think he is gods gift to women. He says the reason he is most afraid to leave though is that he will leave and find it sucks and i will not let him come back.

[laura163]

Originally Posted by Guest Mama42

He says the reason he is most afraid to leave though is that he will leave and find it sucks and i will not let him come back.

Oh boy, your hubby is a smooth talker.

[mamaramarama]

besides having only one child and not being married, this is EXACTLY the same thing i'm going through at the very moment. bf will not have sex with me, says theres no spark, he isn't in love with me, ect. he's a "good dad" or whatever but treats me like trash. goes out all night on drinking binges and leaves me totally alone with baby who's 11 mos. without family nearby. total bs. he wants to coparent while living together but its gotten to the point where i am so angry and resentful with him for knocking me up at 22 years old and telling me i'm not enough for him. and i look a million times better after baby than before, so its not my physical appearance.
anyways, he was also blaming his drinking problem of the relationship - the problem he had before we met, and he doesn't want to go to counseling ("why, so i can learn to LOVE you and want to have SEX with you?" in the most sarcastic tone ever, like i'm asking him to do ridiculous things). UGH UGH UGH. says his drinking problem is secondary and was only negligence on his part- the main problem our relationship will never "work" is because he doesn't want to have sex with me. oh man. really, i can take or leave him at this point and i'm sure i'll be better off (as you will, op), but the prospect of becoming a young single mother who's still in school ft is terrifying.
he doesn't realize that you get out of it what you put into it. he put nothing into our relationship.

[lilyka]

Originally Posted by Guest Mama42

He says the reason he is most afraid to leave though is that he will leave and find it sucks and i will not let him come back.

Wow. Wouldn't he be screwed then.

[lilyka]

Originally Posted by mamaramarama

he's a "good dad" or whatever but treats me like trash. goes out all night on drinking binges and leaves me totally alone with baby who's 11 mos. without family nearby. .

Good dads don't treat their baby's mama that way.

[mamaramarama]

Originally Posted by lilyka

Good dads don't treat their baby's mama that way.

yeah, he's good with her. very good. he loves her very much and will always be there for her. just not me. i don't know where to draw the line on being a good parent but a bad partner in this situation, but it sure as hell isn't fair for me since i didn't get myself pregnant. i want to get married and buy a house and maybe give my daughter some siblings, as seems the natural progression of things, but in his view since he was never "in love" with me then i am not the one to do all those things with. you know. cause he's going to go out there and find someone better. ha. or pretend he's david duchouvny in californication (have you seen that show? barf.)
well at least he's being nice to me and not drinking this week since we are "broken up".

[meemee]

Originally Posted by mamaramarama

yeah, he's good with her. very good. he loves her very much and will always be there for her. just not me. i don't know where to draw the line on being a good parent but a bad partner in this situation, but it sure as hell isn't fair for me since i didn't get myself pregnant.

there is a common thread to a dad being good with his children yet treating their children's mom like $hit.

i hear that so so so often. one of the oft repeated excuses was i was NEVER in love with you. hah!!!! i dont buy that. you were. i knew my ex was. totally. but when the hard times hit, when baby came along it got too much and he went back to his single life.

but this reminds me of my 30 year old friend from school. he said that's what his relationship with his parents were. they were great with him, but terrible with each other. finally at his college graduation he'd had enough. he forced them to sit together and then expressed how it tears him up. they came for his graduation. and slowly started building back their relationship. NOW they even go attend TG together with their new spouses.

dd has tried and even involved her teacher to get us together. i have no problems and would love to. but ex still cant handle it. he asked for a divorce. he cheated on me. and wanted us to carry on living together while he lead his own life. i refused and asked him to leave. he got super angry and abusive and has never forgiven me since.

my situation is not unique. i hear so many similar cases.

[PoppyMama]

Originally Posted by lilyka

Good dads don't treat their baby's mama that way.

YES! I really believe that this is a fail as a human being. Can people be failures as human beings and good parents? I suppose in a shallow way but not in a true deep way. Mass murderers can love their children but it doesn't redeem them. My x did horrible things to me, he loves his children even though he's not there for them but it doesn't erase that he is a person who will do awful things to another human being.

[lilyka]

Our first role as a parent is to be good role models on how to be responsible loving adults. Good parents do not treat people like crap. period. Especially their baby's mom. If he really isn't in love with you, that is fine. It sounds like things got off to a bad start and did not go as planned. He should still treat you with dignity and respect. There is no excuse for him to treat his childs mother like crap. Just because a guy treats his child well doesn't mean he is a good father.

[MissLotus]

Originally Posted by lilyka

Our first role as a parent is to be good role models on how to be responsible loving adults. Good parents do not treat people like crap. period. Especially their baby's mom. If he really isn't in love with you, that is fine. It sounds like things got off to a bad start and did not go as planned. He should still treat you with dignity and respect. There is no excuse for him to treat his childs mother like crap. Just because a guy treats his child well doesn't mean he is a good father.

That's right. And a good father doesn't "go out all night on drinking binges and leaves me totally alone with baby who's 11 mos." That's irresponsible.