Help! WWYD!!??

[Centura]

My four year old daugther has been fully potty trained for over a year with no problems, but recently another problem has come up, I have understood that this is quite common and I am not worried about WHY, but HOW to HANDLE this situation....

She refuses to go to the bathroom anywhere but home. This is a MAJOR problem since we are often out and about and in situations where we just can't go home.
Its getting worse and worse, and its to the point where she in public will throw a huge, loud tantrum screaming I NEED TO POOP or I NEED TO PEE, I will calmly tell her ok, lets go to the bathroom and then she starts hysterically screaming that she needs to go HOME to poop or pee. I have given her several "options" like using this or that bathroom, a diaper, go in the grass, but she will not go anywhere but home.

I don't know what to do anymore, I mean, I feel that I can not just give in and take her home every time. Even if I realize this is a phase and it will pass, there is no way I can accomodate this fear until it does pass.

Its really hard on me, people stare at me like I am abusing the child not taking her to the bathroom! I have two other children, a 5 yo and a 2 yo and the 5 yo doesnt exactly -like- going to a "foreign" bathroom but she will if she really needs to, without any emotional outbursts about it.

I get that she is scared, but how on earth can I deal with this? How can I help her get over this?

[elizaMM]

maybe you can bring her potty chair in the car with you? or if she is using the toilet try to get her to use a potty at home and then bring that with you when she is used to it? try to get her to go in the potty in the car while at home? then maybe she'll be more likely to be okay with going in the car when it is somewhere else? good luck!!

[4evermom]

Will she go at other people's home's? Is she just scared of the automatic flushing ones? You can cover the sensor with a post-it note, sticker, or your hand to keep it from flushing prematurely. Would bringing her own ring seat to go on top help? My ds was fastidious so he only would use very clean bathrooms and the loud sudden flushes freaked him out.

[Devaskyla]

Bring a folding seat for her to put on the strange toilet?

[pianojazzgirl]

I know there are a million reasons why NOT to do this, but...

I might be well tempted to offer a smartie (or similar) every time she went on a public toilet. (In combo with the other ideas suggested: bringing a seat from home, avoiding the loud flush, etc). Ok, not ideal, I know... but it might work to get her to try it, and then soon (hopefully, right!) she will see that non-home toilets are not such a big deal and all the tantrums etc will become a thing of the past.

[dahlialia]

What about taking her somewhere she really wants to go, with the stipulation that when you first get there, she is going to go and just SIT on the public toilet. Maybe exposure like that will get her more comfortable?

[Marsupialmom]

I agree with this might be a time to do a little bribery.

I would practice before you have a time you have no options and HAVE to be out.

[Centura]

There is some really good thinking from you all here Thank you!
We have a full size van, so the potty can actually go with us, she is used to that one since we are a big family with only one bathroom...
The adapter ring might work, I am going to try that too!

But in the meantime... what would you guys do IF you were in the situation where she was yelling these things in public? How would you handle the tantrum and the screaming? I mean, i am sure there will be times I forget the potty/ring, or when we really can't just walk out.

[ElliesMomma]

Originally Posted by Centura

There is some really good thinking from you all here Thank you!
We have a full size van, so the potty can actually go with us, she is used to that one since we are a big family with only one bathroom...
The adapter ring might work, I am going to try that too!

But in the meantime... what would you guys do IF you were in the situation where she was yelling these things in public? How would you handle the tantrum and the screaming? I mean, i am sure there will be times I forget the potty/ring, or when we really can't just walk out.

what i would do is talk to her alone before bed and mostly just listen to her reasons for why this keeps happening. try to truly understand, and then find a way to validate her feelings about this. and then, very calmly, explain to her your dilemma, and ask her if she has any ideas on how the two of you can better handle the situation -- so that you guys compromise. explain that compromise means that she gets a little of what she wants, and you get a little of what you want. it may well be that the traveling potty seat is a good compromise -- but definitely get her "buy in" on the idea before you are confronted with another "scene" in public.

[Centura]

I really have tried to talk to her, so many times
I know there is something that bothers her, but she really refuses to tell me what, she wont tell her dad either, or anyone else she normally trusts. Any attempts to find out why, her only answer to why she won't go to the bathroom anywhere else is always the same; "I can't"
If I turn the question around and instead ask why she only goes to the bathroom at home, she just turns around, crosses her arms and huffs.
She is a very spirited and stubborn girl, many of my questions as to why is just "I can't", which I take as that she just can't explain why. Trying to convince her or pressure her only makes the matter worse, until she decides to open up and let me know what bothers her, all I can do is try to alleviate and avoid. I just really have no clue how to handle these "public displays", it really bothers me!

[LemonPie]

Have you tried just taking her to the bathroom and sitting her on the toilet despite her protests? Or at least escorting her to the bathroom and informing her that you'll stay there until she goes or until she's finished screaming?

I have one who went through a 'holding it' phase (urine) at age 4, though in her case it was all the time. She'd be miserable, could barely move, would tantrum, etc. Knowing her as I do, I'm 99% sure this was simply a control issue on her part (we've had a lot of them).

I started just taking her to the bathroom anyway, despite her protestations. I'd sit her on the toilet, and then I'd read or play with my phone or something--in other words actively NOT engage in her drama (even calm discussion is engagement as far as this kid is concerned)--and just wait. She'd carry on for a while and then go. The combination of my just refusing to respond to it, and her realizing that she was missing out on things while she carried on in the bathroom finally seemed to stop it.

[meemee]

Originally Posted by Centura

I really have tried to talk to her, so many times
I know there is something that bothers her, but she really refuses to tell me what, she wont tell her dad either, or anyone else she normally trusts. Any attempts to find out why, her only answer to why she won't go to the bathroom anywhere else is always the same; "I can't"
If I turn the question around and instead ask why she only goes to the bathroom at home, she just turns around, crosses her arms and huffs.
She is a very spirited and stubborn girl, many of my questions as to why is just "I can't", which I take as that she just can't explain why. Trying to convince her or pressure her only makes the matter worse, until she decides to open up and let me know what bothers her, all I can do is try to alleviate and avoid. I just really have no clue how to handle these "public displays", it really bothers me!

unfortunately the adage this too shall pass applies here.

it isnt that she refuses to tell you, she is not sure how to put it into words.

she does not know how to explain the why.

this is the age of irrational fears. there might be monsters in strange toilets just wating for your dd to sit on it to whisk her away. the flush might be too loud and painful to bear.

[Learning_Mum]

Maybe she means that she actually can't? Lots of people get 'performance anxiety' while they're in a public setting. Maybe she finds the idea of strangers being able to hear her too embarrassing? Could you maybe see if running a tap would help?

[sapphire_chan]

Originally Posted by Centura

i am sure there will be times I forget the potty/ring, or when we really can't just walk out.

Get a potty just for the car. The Potette plus potty can also be used as a seat reducer and is large enough to be comfy for older kids so will be useful to you if you go camping in future.

And if she's got a comfortable place to use the toilet, she might start telling you when she has to go sooner and thus avert tantrums from discomfort. And if she's telling you earlier, you'll have more chances to get out to the car.

And then, : it'll all be sorted out before winter. Maybe go to some stores with really nice bathrooms to help her get used to the idea of going in public restrooms?

[Mom2M]

My daughter just turned 5 and was very afraid of public bathrooms after we were in an airport and the automatic flusher went off loudly while she was sitting on the toilet.
She wouldn't yell and scream but she would refuse to go and then we would be back out on the road and she's start freaking out and crying because she had to go so bad.

When she finally told me what was wrong, we put a potty in the trunk and I told her that she could use that if she wanted it.
What really worked was that I promised the toilet would never get flushed while she was in the stall. She also refuses automatic ones completely and checks the toilet to make sure it has a handle.

Good luck

[LaughingHyena]

We're having similar problems with DS, though in our case it is a fear of hand driers.

For now I am making a point of ME going while we are out. He has to come with me into the stall but don't even ask him if he wants to go. He's not happy about it but it is keeping some of our local toilets familiar (library, supermarket etc).

[gcgirl]

DS doesn't like the loudness of public flush toilets. He still uses them, but admonishes me the whole time: "DON'T FLUSH!" and then wants me to flush AFTER he's left the stall.

[LynnS6]

she probably can't explain why she 'can't'. 4 year olds, despite all their verbalness, aren't really good at explaining things. And there may not be a rational explanation, it could be a phobia.

So, I would treat this as a phobia. I would bring the potty chair and ring in the car. I would make sure that every single time we are out that I used the bathroom myself. For the first 10 times or so, I wouldn't ask if she needed to go, I wouldn't even mention her going. She would come and stand in the stall. That should desensitize her to the bathroom.

Then the next 10 times I'd calmly ask her if she wanted to try, and accept no without question. Not sure what I'd do after that, but I'd probably turn to bribery. First for sitting on the toilet, then for actually going.