Years in the future, but I want to put it in writing

[2boyzmama]

We have three biological boys, one of whom is special needs with a genetic disorder. We are done with biological children, not only does the potential of a second special needs child scare us, but I also don't handle pregnancy well. Hubby got a vasectomy already.

I WOH full time, always have. Hubby is SAHD and a student, reluctantly though. He doesn't want or like to SAH, hence why he's also a student.

In a few years our situation could be very different. 2 of the 3 boys will be in all-day school, the 3rd most likely will be in half-day. Hubby will most likely be working (middle childhood education).

I would *love* to be able to SAH, but I know that hubby's pay will not come anywhere close to mine (I have a very good paying job with great benefits). So I know that I will still have to supplement his income. It is possible for me to work part time at my current job or to do consulting work on the side on a commission basis. I've also tossed around the idea of home-based business, pretty sure I could do very well with it since I've been in the business world for so long. I've also considered home daycare (and then I could homeschool too...)

I want another baby. Specifically, I want a girl. Several of my siblings are adopted, my mom teaches foster classes in her county, so none of this is foreign to me.

Right now this is just day dreaming. Just thinking of options. Hubby is kind of luke-warm about the whole idea, adoption is not normal or natural to him or his family, so it will take him more time to get used to the idea. He is stuck in his current mindset of "we don't have enough money or space, and I'm not staying home with ANOTHER kid". I keep trying to get him to see long-term, but he isn't capable of that right now (men! ) So for now, my daydreaming is just that...dreaming.

Anyway...those are my thoughts. I lurk here often, so I wanted to say HI and out myself

[WifeMomChiro]

Good luck on your journey. I have felt pulled toward adoption for years now, and DH finally told me that he was on board this summer. Now he is saying we need to wait a while, but I'm ready to jump in with both feet. The timing is tough.

[RedOakMomma]

Well hi there!

We also adopted a little girl after three boys...and I totally hear you on the special needs thing. Keep up the discussions with your husband...my dh (and many dh's, from the conversations on this board) are often slow to warm to the idea of adoption. Dh liked it as a concept, but had a hard time seeing how adoption/another child would fit in with our family.

One thing to consider, too, is that (for many children) the experience of adoption, or the circumstances behind it, create special needs in the children you adopt. Specifically, issues with attachment and emotions. This goes beyond AP parenting, and is something that is worth looking into well before making adoption plans. Dd, while wonderful, definitely has more needs than the average kiddo (some of them as or more exhausting than our special needs son). Some of that is personality, some of that can be traced directly to all the transitions and uncertainty she faced in her young life (and she was in *fantastic* foster care while in Korea).

I think a lot of people (ourselves included, a while back) who look at adoption as a way to stack the decks to get another loved, healthy child in our families. In reality, there are a lot of very special issues and challenges in adoption that aren't fully revealed to most parents until they're in the homestudy process or (sadly) until they're already parenting an adopted child. Do your homework. Read some of the books listed in the adoption sticky at the top of the form. In general, I think the stuff you read is scarier than reality, but sometimes reality is not far off.

Adoption is great, but it's not nearly as easy as dh or I thought it would be. And we thought we "knew" a little more of what it would be like, since so many friends and families we know have adopted, or were adopted...it's just a little different when you're in the trenches, responsible for a little one, yk?

Anyway, I hope this isn't a big downer. I really am thankful for where adoption has taken us, and the beautiful daughter we have. But I do wish that I'd had a little more reality in my mind well before we signed on the dotted line and started the adoption/homestudy process. Once you're at that point you start getting bombarded with all the nitty-gritty of adoption (well, if you have a good social worker and agency, who really want to prepare you...), and by then it almost feels to late to step back, evaluate, and see if adoption really is the best option for a family. Doing more reading about it before hand, and not just the dreamy/happy ending stuff, would have been good for our family. I think we would have been more prepared for the challenges we faced.

[marsupial-mom]

I agree with RedOak about challenges and that's why I think it's very important that your partner is onboard before you get too deep into the adoption process. That said, my foster-adopt experience thus far has not been particularly challenging in terms of actual parenting (yet). But if my husband wasn't 100% involved, I couldn't do it at all.

[2boyzmama]

Thanks!

No, ROM, you're not a downer. I know there's a lot to learn, and I know it's not as simple as getting a baby girl placed in my home and voila! Instant perfect family!

My youngest sister was adopted (some of my older siblings too, but she's the only one I remember all the details of) I was 20 years old. It was very stressful for my mom, even though here she was the one who taught the foster-adopt classes in our county! My sister did have some attachment issues, which made her easy to parent (she was just a stoic child, never cried, but never smiled either), but my mom was on top of it, working with her to get her over it, etc. Now my sister, as a 10 year old, is having some minor school issues, something none of us biological kids experienced, so mom is again in an unusual spot. So I'm getting a front row seat on the long-term effects on the family. They have been wonderful, my sister is wonderful, but it has definitely been a journey.

Oops, just lost power, got to go turn things off!