WWYD (or rather, what would you want done?)

[Momily]

I'm a single mom, but 100% solo, I have zero experience with co-parenting. I'd love your thoughts on this.

My son has a friend who lives with mom (full legal and physical custody) and spends every other weekend with dad. My son has visited him at both houses, but I really only know mom who I consider my friend. With dad it's usually a 2 minute conversation at pick up and drop off.

On Friday I emailed mom and said "Hey, who has KID this weekend? We're going to X and wonder if he wants to come along". I got a standard "out of office" reply. That night KID called and invited DS to spend the night. I said yes (DS is there now) and told dad that we were thinking of going to X on Monday, Dad said it sounded good, we could talk when he brought DS home.

I just got an email from Mom saying this is Dad's first weekend with the kids for a month (they were visiting family) and she thinks they should be together, could we go to X next weekend?

So, my question is, whose permission is important. Obviously mom can't hold it against me that I sent DS over there Friday when she didn't email me till Saturday. But, what about Monday? Should I back out, figuring that mom's my friend and the custodial parent and if she doesn't want him to go he shouldn't go. Or should I figure that I already invited him and if KID and DAD don't want to spend that time bonding it's up to them?

I should add that X isn't someplace she objects to him going at all, she's fine with him going next weekend.

[Holland73]

Sounds like mom is attempting to control Dad's time and she is trying to pull you into the middle.

If it were me, I would tell her that dad had already agreed and that perhaps she needs to talk to him about it. I really wouldn't want to get stuck between the two of them. Let them work it out.

Unfortunately, chances are that dad has already told KID that you are taking him to X, so it would really be a bummer for KID if you backed out.

[PoppyMama]

I think the ship has sailed on this one and you should just let mom know that you are sorry but you already asked friend and dad.

[PoppyMama]

Originally Posted by Holland73

Sounds like mom is attempting to control Dad's time and she is trying to pull you into the middle.

If it were me, I would tell her that dad had already agreed and that perhaps she needs to talk to him about it. I really wouldn't want to get stuck between the two of them. Let them work it out.

Unfortunately, chances are that dad has already told KID that you are taking him to X, so it would really be a bummer for KID if you backed out.

I think it's a little harsh to say that mom is trying to control Dad's time and is pulling Momily into it. She was asked and the friend hadn't seen Dad in a month so she thought they should have time together. She doesn't know they have already been asked.

[Holland73]

Originally Posted by PoppyMama

I think it's a little harsh to say that mom is trying to control Dad's time and is pulling Momily into it. She was asked and the friend hadn't seen Dad in a month so she thought they should have time together. She doesn't know they have already been asked.

Not trying to be harsh at all. And I don't think that mom is "purposely" trying to pull Momily in the middle, but that is what is happening.

On second thought, why didn't mom talk to dad about this herself... if she thought it was so important??? Why make Momily have to cancel and/or change her plans?

And... why does mom get to determine how dad spends time (or not) with his kids? If dad thought it was OK for KID to go and X was taking place during his time, then it should be OK. Apparently, he feels that the time he is spending with his kids is more than enough, even after not seeing his kids for a month.

His relationship with his kids is his business.

[Marsupialmom]

If it is dad's weekend dad's permission matter. Mom's week end mom's permission.

IMO, I think the mom stepped over her bounds.

[mimim]

Originally Posted by Holland73

Not trying to be harsh at all. And I don't think that mom is "purposely" trying to pull Momily in the middle, but that is what is happening.

BUT... why does mom get to determine how dad spends time (or not) with his kids? If dad thought it was OK for KID to go and X was taking place during his time, then it should be OK. Apparently, he feels that the time he is spending with his kids is more than enough, even after not seeing his kids for a month.

His relationship with his kids is his business.

ITA. Tread lightly, Momily.

[Momily]

I feel like I need to defend my friend a little.

The first couple of years the boys were friends, we did things together and if I invited them for a weekend she didn't have them (I can never keep track) she'd make arrangements to trade time, or to have him come home early, or whatever, and we'd do things together. Recently we haven't done that as much because hanging with your moms isn't as cool when you're 11, and because I finally introduced my self to Dad at Back to School night so now I call him for things too.

But she probably wasn't thinking "don't call dad", she was thinking "I don't want to cut the weekend short" by asking if we could all go together or something.

She won't be upset that DS went there, I just wasn't sure to keep up the offer of going to X.

[Super~Single~Mama]

It sounded to me like there was some miscommunication. You said you emailed friends mom to ask - then didn't hear back until after you spoke to friends dad.

I think she probably didn't know that your ds was with friend at dad's house Friday night, and so was answering your question about whose weekend it was. No worries, you can just respond that your ds spent the night with friend at dad's house, and dad thought it was a great idea and you went and took friend. Or, if dad ends up saying no, you can say that you are going to go another weekend when friend can come with. No worries.

[VocalMinority]

Originally Posted by PoppyMama

I think the ship has sailed on this one and you should just let mom know that you are sorry but you already asked friend and dad.

I agree with this.

For the future, I have two thoughts:

#1- I'm the equivalent of the Mom/friend in your scenario and I appreciate it when my kids' friends' parents run potential plans by me first. Then, if I know it'll be my ex's parenting time, I'll direct them to him (or offer to ask him myself and call them back with his answer). I guess this may sound controlling, but it's practical. Plans change, weekends get switched, friends (or friends' parents) feel slighted if their plans suffer due to a communication gap between the divorced parents...and I will tentatively posit that IF one divorced parent seems more "on top of everything" than the other parent, where it concerns the kids' schedules and social lives and identifying scheduling conflicts well in advance, it's more likely to be the CP (especially if the CP is female). Every problem we've ever run into, making plans for the kids, would have been solved/eased, if I'd known what was going on in advance. So continue to keep your friend in the loop, even when you know something is on Dad's weekend.

#2- My husband suffered years of his ex-wife trying to polarize their son to identify with her and reject him. One tactic she used (which is classic, for "alienating" parents) was to orchestrate things so their son became aware that he only got together with friends when he was with his Mom. Even when kids just accept this and never think to question it, it's still a subtle, effective, "subliminal" way to show them their Dad is less of a parent than their Mom. So, if you notice your friend making a HABIT of steering you away from planning things while the kids are with their Dad, please don't go along with it. That said, this one incident alone does not show such a pattern. Your friend used to be married to this guy, so she knows him pretty well. She knows her kids. Especially if he hasn't seen the kids for a month, perhaps they did need that time alone together; but perhaps he has trouble saying "no" to things he thinks the kids will like, even if that means giving up his (scant) parenting time so they can go somewhere with a friend. Unless she does this repeatedly, assume your friend genuinely wanted to do the best for everyone, by trying to shelter her ex from having to respond to this one particular invitation.

[COVegMom]

Eek! Sticky.
With my son, his dad decides how they spend their time together. If he felt fine with the outing, then that would be his decision.
I think I would go with someone's suggestion to just tell mom that you already talked with them, and dad agreed that this week was fine. It really is dad's decision to make. And if his kid has been missing friend's while he was away, forcing him to hang out at home because dad missed him probably isn't going to go over well.
I also want to add, that without knowing more, I would not assume any ill intentions on the mom's part. It sounds like she was just imagining that they missed each other and trying to be considerate to everyone.