Both of my parents are NPD and my mother has strong BPD (Borderline) tendencies. My stepmother (whom my father divorced) is a textbook BPD and sociopath, so I know all about the whole mess of crazy abuse that goes with having narcissistic/borderline parents.
The resources that have helped me most were:Understanding the Borderline Mother
by Christine Ann LawsonToxic Parents
by Susan ForwardThe Drama of the Gifted Child
and For Your Own Good
by Alice MillerWill I Ever Be Good Enough?
by Karyl McBrideFacing the Facts
- web forum for those affected by people with BPD (BPD and NPD are not the same thing but they have many overlapping characteristics, and BPDs often marry NPDs, or have NPD children)Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers
, also has a great web forumThe Characteristics of Narcissistic Mothers
I wish I had an easy answer for you. I tried setting healthy boundaries with my birth parents for many years, and found that it only made things worse, especially since they both adamantly insist that it's all in my head and that they've never done anything wrong. After a few years of weekly therapy, tons of research and journaling, and lots of agonizing self-reflection, I realized it would never get better and eventually decided to cut them both out of my life completely.
PM me if you want to talk about it with someone who's been there and won't judge you for your feelings.