Could I have said something - would it have helped?

[Fuamami]

Last night we were at Wal-Mart (you knew this story was going to take place there!) and I was in the bathroom. While I was in the stall I heard someone come in and a woman say, "You screwed up really bad this time, girl!" in a terrible tone of voice. I was surprised to hear a cry that sounded like a baby, but when I came out, it was a young toddler, probably about 16 months old. She was changing her diaper and was just totally berating her. Every time she'd cry a little bit, she'd say, "Oh shut up, you don't have anything to cry about!" As I was throwing away my paper towel she threw away the diaper, unwrapped up, and it wasn't even poopy. I kinda thought she'd had a blowout or something.

Anyway, she also said, "Stop grabbing yourself, you are disgusting!" as I was leaving.

I was so shaken, it was just crazy and I tried to think of something to say, but I couldn't. The mom was super young, probably not more than 18, and her tone of voice was sooo hateful and absolutely, seriously filled with rage. But at the same time, it was kind of detached, kind of in a creepy way. Now that I think of it, it actually reminded me of times when I've heard people who I assume are schizophrenic ranting to themselves.

Soo, soo sad, but I didn't know what to do. Any ideas?

[journeymom]

I don't think there is anything a stranger can do about that. That's really horrible, especially how she shamed her for touching herself.

Maybe you could have smiled and mentioned how challenging kids are, and asked if there is anything you could do. But that might have just made her snap at you. For this one encounter, the little girl will be fine.

[KristyDi]

I can't think of anything useful you could have done and saying something might have even made it worse for the little girl. I would have been shaken and heartbroken over it too. It sounds awful.

[lonegirl]

Sorry to hear....sad thing to overhear/witness....perhaps she wasn't the mom but a babysitter? Not that it is much better....

[LynnS6]

In those situations I've sometimes said "It's hard to have a toddler, isn't it?"

Usually that doesn't do much, but it does make the parent aware that other people are around. It also opens the door in a non-threatening way. Every once in a while, they'll vent to me about how hard their child is, and quit taking it out on the kid.

[Sierra]

That's terrible! I think in that particular situation, I would have probably gone up and said in a very enthusiastic tone: "What a gorgeous, sweet girl you have there! Oh, she is just so precious!" If the woman had continued to rant, I most likely would have directly but sweetly countered it, such as (in a sweet, tender voice), "Oh, she's not disgusting at all. She's just a curious baby..." (and looking right at the child...) "aren't you, sweet girl?"

The reason I would have taken that approach in that particular situation is that I would want to help reframe the situation, if not for the woman, for the child. I also think it might have been a signal to the woman that she was being outrageous, and might have been a distraction for her...drawing her attention to the joy of the child.

In cases in which children are behaving in difficult ways and the adults caring for them are losing it, I can see a purpose to saying something sympathetic to the parent about how hard it is to have a toddler or whatever. In this case, I think a kind reality check is more effective.

[Cascadian]

Immediately makes me think that the mama had some hard lessons herself as a child...shaming, possibly abuse. It's so very sad I don't know if you could have said anything. I wouldn't have, if the mama was so enraged. I wouldn't want her to take it out on her baby.

[Sierra]

Originally Posted by Cascadian

I wouldn't want her to take it out on her baby.

I think there are some things that could be said in this case that probably wouldn't be a trigger for increased rage. I think it is worth stepping in with those types of low-risk words, so the child has one more person on the outside affirming her worth.

[LROM]

Originally Posted by Sierra

That's terrible! I think in that particular situation, I would have probably gone up and said in a very enthusiastic tone: "What a gorgeous, sweet girl you have there! Oh, she is just so precious!" If the woman had continued to rant, I most likely would have directly but sweetly countered it, such as (in a sweet, tender voice), "Oh, she's not disgusting at all. She's just a curious baby..." (and looking right at the child...) "aren't you, sweet girl?"

The reason I would have taken that approach in that particular situation is that I would want to help reframe the situation, if not for the woman, for the child. I also think it might have been a signal to the woman that she was being outrageous, and might have been a distraction for her...drawing her attention to the joy of the child.

In cases in which children are behaving in difficult ways and the adults caring for them are losing it, I can see a purpose to saying something sympathetic to the parent about how hard it is to have a toddler or whatever. In this case, I think a kind reality check is more effective.

I totally and completely agree. And I also completely agree with you about how important it is for the child - even a really young baby - to hear a counter-message to "you're disgusting!" and all the other negativity.

I have adult friends who were raised by emotionally abusive (and some physically abusive) parents and they can remember vividly the few strangers who said something counter to their parents negativity when they did it in public. They were older for the times they remember, but they all swear that it's got an important impact at any age.

There is an evidence-based program called "Better Brains for Babies" and even child development specialists say that a baby who is smiled at and spoken to in kind tones - every single one of those interactions makes a positive difference. And... so do every single negative interaction. Not that they all add up the same way for each baby - there are always many variables, but in weighing whether to chime in with some positivity or not in that situation, keep that in mind (it doesn't only apply to babies).

[Norasmomma]

Originally Posted by Cascadian

Immediately makes me think that the mama had some hard lessons herself as a child...shaming, possibly abuse. It's so very sad

That was my first thought too. I feel badly for both of them.

[Fuamami]

Originally Posted by Sierra

That's terrible! I think in that particular situation, I would have probably gone up and said in a very enthusiastic tone: "What a gorgeous, sweet girl you have there! Oh, she is just so precious!" If the woman had continued to rant, I most likely would have directly but sweetly countered it, such as (in a sweet, tender voice), "Oh, she's not disgusting at all. She's just a curious baby..." (and looking right at the child...) "aren't you, sweet girl?"

The reason I would have taken that approach in that particular situation is that I would want to help reframe the situation, if not for the woman, for the child. I also think it might have been a signal to the woman that she was being outrageous, and might have been a distraction for her...drawing her attention to the joy of the child.

In cases in which children are behaving in difficult ways and the adults caring for them are losing it, I can see a purpose to saying something sympathetic to the parent about how hard it is to have a toddler or whatever. In this case, I think a kind reality check is more effective.

Yes, that would have been perfect! I wish I could have brought myself to say that.

I agree with the pps, she definitely seemed like she was repeating something she'd heard before. And the baby was doing absolutely nothing the least bit "difficult", just being a baby.