Feeling even more lonely that this is what im turning to. I have litterally no one in this world who I can comfortably call at 4 am to be like "i caaaa-aann-nntt st-t-tooooooppp ccrrrrrr-----YYYYYINNNNNNNNNNGGGGGGG!!!!"
It's just that through circumstances in my life the universe systematically weeds out any person i may have an attatcment to (dont even get me started about my fears of loving a child). My birth team has quickly dwindled and now i dont even know if ANY of them will be there. So it would be me, DF, MW, and the person who's house its at(who is very awesome in her own respect. Amazing goddess, would love to be there for me) but she dosn't KNOW me. She only loves me cause DF loves me and she loves him (they used to be very intimate which is energy i dont even deal with. It was theres and none of my business.) So im like UGH. I could have the baby in a birth centre closer to God mother to garuntee she would be there but then that would mean Im not in complete control. They wont let me birth in the water(f u! I do what i WANT *snaps fingers*) and i dont want some nurse (maybe more) who ive never met walking in and out of a room that Im not familiar with, AND no garuntee that the CNM who has seen me my whole pregnancy will even be there. NO. I dont want that. The home we have been offered is amazing. It coulndt have anything more a laboring woman would want. Except MY friends.
Sigh.... Im so tired of people 100% of the time not being what i need, want, or expect. So i shut them out of my heart only to feel hurt, let down, and lonely. Is this baby growing inside of me going to change all that??? (
awe my baby is kickin)
Thanx for lettin me vent...
It's just that through circumstances in my life the universe systematically weeds out any person i may have an attatcment to (dont even get me started about my fears of loving a child). My birth team has quickly dwindled and now i dont even know if ANY of them will be there. So it would be me, DF, MW, and the person who's house its at(who is very awesome in her own respect. Amazing goddess, would love to be there for me) but she dosn't KNOW me. She only loves me cause DF loves me and she loves him (they used to be very intimate which is energy i dont even deal with. It was theres and none of my business.) So im like UGH. I could have the baby in a birth centre closer to God mother to garuntee she would be there but then that would mean Im not in complete control. They wont let me birth in the water(f u! I do what i WANT *snaps fingers*) and i dont want some nurse (maybe more) who ive never met walking in and out of a room that Im not familiar with, AND no garuntee that the CNM who has seen me my whole pregnancy will even be there. NO. I dont want that. The home we have been offered is amazing. It coulndt have anything more a laboring woman would want. Except MY friends.
Sigh.... Im so tired of people 100% of the time not being what i need, want, or expect. So i shut them out of my heart only to feel hurt, let down, and lonely. Is this baby growing inside of me going to change all that??? (
awe my baby is kickin)Thanx for lettin me vent...
