How do you deal with parenting anxiety?!?

[Toposlonoshlep]

Ok, this probably sounds ridiculous, but I wasn't at all prepared for the level of anxiety that would accmpany being a mother. I am a chronic worrier and a self-diagnosed hypochondriac, but it is one thing to constantly freak out about myself and quite another to be terrified of taking care of another being. There are days I think I should not be a mother withhow much anxiety I carry. There are also days that it prevents my enjoying my DS. Even when things are perfect, I am anticipating the next problem or worrying about things I cannot control. I worry about everything from childhood cancer to infectious disease (needless to say vaccines terrify me too). My latest obsession is the environmental effects on my son. We live in a city and he is exposed to air pollution (we're in NYC). We filter the water, I take him to a park every day, he has safe toys, he only eats organic foods, still nurses (he is 18 monhs). In other words, I do everything humanly possible to give him my best. But it is exhausting to be responsible for the life of another person sometimes. I feel crazy with worry sometimes and I think it truly prevents me from being the laid back, joyful mama I want to be.

So I wonder how other parents deal with these feelings. Are there mantras? Does your faith in God prevail over these emotions? I know I should count my countless blessings since so many people have been through so much more than me and have survived. What would help me let go some?

[earthmama369]

I deliberately overthink things when I start to freak out. I remember the first time dh wanted to take our first out all by himself, when she was a few months old. I felt so worried and paranoid and fearful, but I knew, in a tiny corner of rationality and logic, that this was a positive thing for both their relationship and our own, so I didn't stop at just feeling anxious. I ran through every disastrous scenario I could, thinking it out in all its details, and then tried to logically calculate how likely that was to happen. Sure, a bus could hit them as they crossed the street. But really? How likely was that to happen? Knowing my dh, what would he do to prevent that? Well, duh, he'd be paying attention so that it couldn't happen, and if the worst did happen, he would do his level best to save her. OK. Next scenario.

And then I walked myself through the most likely scenario. I concentrated on colors, scents, adding in layers of detail to imagine things as realistically as possible. He would snuggle her into the sling. The wind would be blowing briskly and she'd wave her hand at it excitedly like she always did, and that would make him laugh. They would walk around the block and have a great time. And then they would come back to me. And I ran through that scenario as many times as I needed to.

The anxiety of being a mother never fully goes away. I imagine I'll be in my seventies and still have the rare moment of worrying about my children. But they do get easier to handle when you recognize what's going on, and certain things, like letting your children go somewhere without you, get easier with familiarity and practice. I had a moment just yesterday when dh took the kids (now 5 and 4) for a bike ride over a long, high, busy bridge near our house. I *know* it has a walking lane that's completely separated from the traffic by concrete barriers and with a high fence between them and the drop. I *knew* they would be safe, and also, that this would be a wonderful memory for them. They would feel daring and brave and have fun. So I sent them off with a smile and a cheerful wave. And then I Googled a picture of the bridge just so I could see, concretely, how safe the walking lane is. And I ran the scenario through my head, of how much fun they were having with their father. I only needed to do that once and I felt comfortable with it. I just needed to get my "monkey brain" to talk to my rational brain for a few minutes.

[Tway]

I'd say it lessens, but doesn't ever really go away.

When I went for my 6-week checkup with my OB/GYN, I asked him if I needed meds because I thought I had PPD. I was always worried, always tired (DD wasn't much of a sleeper), always anxious. He looked at me and said "You came to every appointment with a list of questions. You read every pregnancy book. You were very thorough and wanted to have a 'perfect' pregnancy. What makes you think you won't be the same as a mother? It's just the way you are. Just do your best and you'll be fine."

He was right--I always want to do the "right" thing for DD, even though there isn't such a thing. The first few months were really hard, but it gets slowly better. Be easy on yourself and do your best and love your LO. And remember that worrying is part of your personality, and that's OK, too.

[LynnS6]

Paxil.

Seriously. Now, I did have PPD badly (didn't sleep for several days or nights in a row). Being on anti-anxiety meds made me realize just how much of my life even during pregnancy and before had been ruled by anxiety. Meds have given me a chance to develop coping skills and really be able focus on developing healthy habits.

That being said, meds wouldn't be my first choice of treatment. I would start with counseling. I wish I'd had a chance to do that before I hit crisis mode. But having done meds, I'm grateful they exist.

But if counseling, good eating and a healthy lifestyle doesn't help, I would consider meds. Having a chronically anxious mother is not good for your child. There are known psychological consequences to having an anxious or depressed mother. Some of us have brains that are wired for anxiety (think of us as the sentries standing guard). A little bit is OK. When it paralyzes us or consumes our lives, it's not OK.

That, and then I repeat the mantra I learned from my mother (who learned it from her mother, who learned it from her grandmother...) "Do your best, even the angels can do no more."

[Norasmomma]

I have a friend like this-to me it would make me insane, but like the PP it is her personality. She did the same read every.single.book. worried about stuff I can say I never would concern myself with. I'm more of a free-range, go with the flow type personality. I remember her saying over and over when I was pg with DS, "aren't you so worried about the upheaval that will come with having another baby?!" I just never got it, for her that was a major concern, for me not so much, I just was like, "I guess I'll cross that bridge when and if I get there." I'm not one to set myself up for constant concern, she is.

I worry about my kids of course, I'm their mom. To the extent that I concern myself with every single thing that can or may go wrong, well I cannot do that. The thing is my children are healthy, they are vibrant and for now I have to cherish those moments. I have a friend who lost her son from pediatric cancer and those are the things that she reminds me of the most. The little things your children do, those things that may make you crazy are the very things that I have to remind myself daily that are special about them. I just had a scary moment with my 11 month old son, he had a severe allergic reaction to hummus, amazingly I stayed extremely calm, not just for kids sake, but for my sake. I wasn't going to do anyone any good by freaking out, it was a moment where I was the one who had to be in control of a situation that felt out of control. I rushed him to the medical center, with his face swelling and full of hives, I was so scared. The only time I lost it was on my DD who would not get in the car, I flat out told her it was serious, get you a$$ in the car NOW, I'm scared your brother may die. It was true, I thought that he may go anaphylactic(sp), I really didn't know. I felt a tinge of guilt, but my DD didn't realize the gravity of the situation, after that she did. He is fine, now has allergy testing happening, an Epi-pen and now we wait. I'm scared I may have to use that Epi-pen, but I don't think about it all the time, it is on my mind though. This is my new reality.

We all worry, just some of us have more anxiety about it.

[InMediasRes]

It really sounds like you should consider seeing a counselor. If the level of anxiety you have is ruling your life, getting some help could really take the edge off. Be it therapy or medication, being that keyed up all the time makes the already hard job of being a mother so much harder. I lost years of my son's life trying to cope with my anxiety on my own before I finally gave in and sought help. I have had so many panic attacks and I just don't want to go there again. I know now what life can really be like, and it can be beautiful and enjoyable without having to control every tiny detail all the time.

It's not admitting defeat. It's not letting someone else do it for you. It's finding a new path to cope with a very special challenge. Like PP said, having anxiety means your brain works differently. It's not your fault, your brain is doing it to you - asking someone to help me learn how to overcome that has made a very positive difference in my life.

[KMK_Mama]

I have parenting anxiety too and I'm experiencing it hugely at the moment. I am going out of town in 3 days for the very first time without the kids. I will be gone for 6 days. I keep thinking the worst...what if my plane crashes, what if something happens to one of the kids while I'm gone.....Ugh.

I'm no help, but I can relate.

[goodygumdrops]

Meds....stat!

I was in that place and it ended up getting worse before it got better. Having obsessive thoughts about how things can harm your baby is another form of intrusive thoughts. I had to go on meds and now I don't worry about these things. It's pretty crazy what your mind can do. I'm not sure how old your babe is but I was diagnosed with ppd and anxiety when my son was 18 months. Basically, all of my parental anxiety finally peaked and I had a panic attack and major anxiety. So, in your situation, I would probably go talk to a psychiatrist about trying low dose med to see if that helps.

There is certainly a difference between normal every day worries and worrying about EVERYTHING. You sound like your in the latter. Now that I've been on meds, I am able to step back and not let myself get so freaked out about things.

Just my 2 cents and I haven't read any of the others post so maybe this has already been covered.

Hope you feeling better soon.