Is it always cruel to let them cry?

[Mommy40]

My 2yr old was naked and it was getting cold.
I had to put a t-shirt on against his {strong} will.
I explained to him why and left him crying on his bedroom.
He calmed down after 2 minutes, i counted.

Was I cruel by leaving him crying? I am so confused

[annettemarie]

You can't always stop kids from crying, but I do think this was a case where he didn't have to cry alone. You wanted his shirt on-- that's legit. He didn't want a shirt on-- that's legit too, and he has the right to express it. Why not stay with him and love on him until he calms down?

[BeanyMama]

Sometimes there's really no way to stop crying. You can pick your battles, though. I have to ask myself pretty often "on a scale of 1 to 10, how big of a deal is this?" Sometimes I find I'm creating a power struggle, esp when I'm already worn down by toddler-parenting.

[gravida]

DD is a very emotional little girl so there is no way I can stop her from crying, sometimes for long periods, but I do try and stay in sight so she knows she can come for a cuddle. She'll often come to sit on my lap then put her head down for a second before continuing her big tantrum. I like her knowing I'm there to ride out the rough parts with her even if all I do is sit there.

[MountainMamaGC]

I think there is a huge difference between letting a 2 year+ child cry and a little infant cry. When I have exhausted all of my options, I let my DD cry. Crying is acceptance IMO. Rage is not. When she is crying its usually because she is disappointed over something and thats a valid feeling to have. I would rather her cry than have a tantrum. I actually encourage the tears over the rage.

[mamazee]

Two-year-olds cry. They have tanturms, they just do, and that isn't a problem, although I probably would have just put a blanket around him or something. And while I don't think having a tantrum is a problem, I'm not sure why you left him alone? A snuggle would have warmed him up too.

[gagin37]

sometimes letting ds work his tantrum out is the only solution, and that means crying. Sometimes he does it alone in time out (his room) or sometimes with me close by- it depends on what the incident was about.

[greenemami]

I think there is a difference between letting a baby cry and a toddler/child cry. And I know that my dd at least would tend to escalate the tears/screaming if I tried to console her, so for her sanity and mine I would often leave the room for a couple of minutes. I was right there with hugs and love when she was ready for it, but we both seemed to need that space.

[Mommy40]

the main reason I left the room was because I felt my sole presence was making him worse. He was yelling AT me and kicking on my direction. He was clearly upset at me. I was not comforting to him.

I said I understood he was frustrated because he didnt want the t-shirt but I it was necesary to avoid a cold. i said I know you are upset right now, I love you hope you calm down soon.

He doesnt talk yet so I dont know how much he understood.
I even sat down in the floor and gave him some distance but he was getting worse, when I left him alone he started calming down...

What other approaches are available?

We just repeat because he grabbed a pencil and he was using it on a piece of paper, when he tried to use it on the wall. I said uh-oh, let use the paper, he got upset and tried to push me with the pencil, so I took it away.
Same thing, only difference is that when I came back after he calmed down he wanted hugs

[annettemarie]

Yelling and kicking is different than just crying, IMO. That goes beyond expressing one's feelings and moves into the territory of hurting others, and that's not OK. I could see giving one warning on that and then walking away if it continues. You have the right not to be hurt.

BTW, you don't get a cold from not wearing a shirt or otherwise being cold; you get a cold because of germs.

[Super~Single~Mama]

My son does that sometimes. When he's having a really bad tantrum the BEST thing I can do for him is to put him in his pack n play (a safe place for him, he feels safe in there too), and tell him that I love him and will come pick him up for a cuddle after he calms down. It almost always happens within 1-2minutes. If it takes longer, I take him a sippy of milk or water, and talk to him and that works if leaving him didn't.

I don't know how old your ds is, but mine can understand just about every thing I say to him. And has for a long time now, so he very well might have understood you. It's hard to know how much they understand, but I think its always more than we think!

[mamadelbosque]

Nope, not cruel. If I baby DS1 over every little freaking thing that he cries about, he'll start crying about *EVERYTHING*. And he does when we're around my mother. Cause' she wil. She will *FREAK OUT* over every little scrape, bump or dissapointment and baby him to heck - so he'll do it. He'll cry over *EVERYTHING*. And its ridiculous. Sometimes they're just crying for attention, and no, I don't give in to that.

[shanniesue2]

I think the only thing I would have done differently in either of those two situations is give a warning first. So in the first situation where he's mad about the shirt and kicking you. Hold his feet for just a moment and say something like "you're mad! That's okay. But don't kick me, or I will walk away." And then if the kicking continues I would say, "you're so mad! And That's okay, but I don't like being kicked. I'm going in the other room, when you calm down, you can join me."

In the situation with the pencil, "you can use the pencil on a piece of paper. If you try to draw on the wall again, I will take it away and we will do something else." Then when he draws on the wall, "pencils are for paper. But you tried to use it on the wall. So we're going to do something else now." Take the pencil. When/if he starts trying to hit with the pencil, "you may not hit me. If you try to hit me again, I will walk away." When/if he tries to hit again "You are trying to hurt me and I don't want to play any more. I'm going to walk away. When you want to be nice again, you can come join me." Walk away and wait for him to calm down.

This is pretty much how I handle any kind of hurting from DS... and it seems to work. I try to stay calm while it's going on (I don't always succeed at being calm, though) And, It's only taken a few time of me walking away and now he pretty much stops when I give him the warning. I figure it's a natural consequence. If you hurt people, they won't want to play with you any more.

P.S. pp is right being cold won't give someone a cold. I figure that if we're around the house, DS knows how he's most comfortable. If he's cold, he'll ask for a blanket. If he's hot, he'll ask to take clothes off. If we're going out and being naked isn't an option, then I deal with the tantrum. And it's a bummer, but we have missed out on doing things before because of not letting me get him dressed. It's been more of a bummer for me than him in most cases, though (like missing church)... but he's strong little kid and sometimes it really is next to impossible to get clothes on him if he's really fighting it.

[Dingletwitz]

I've also found great success doing the things pps have mentioned. I anticipate some resistance this fall when it will be time to have leggings or tights on. Dd will fight the idea until her legs are covered in frost, but then she will decide she is too cold. I've always wanted her to be the kind of kid who can solve her own problems (including temperature regulation) so as soon as she could articulate she was cold or hot, I started backing off on choosing her dress. There's a lot of "better take this along in case..." or "let me know if you'd like help with getting some warmer clothes on when you feel cold" kind of stuff but I don't force any clothes on her.
At any rate, I think it's entirely appropriate to let the kiddo have a meltdown for a couple of minutes. I usually back off unless there's a clear indication she cannot recover herself (too tired, etc.). Again, sometimes it's about gaining self control and they do need a bit of practice with it.