6yo with angry, unpleasant, demanding tone of voice

[loraxc]

This has been a problem for a while, but seems to be getting worse.It's one thing when she asks for something in an unpleasant, demanding way, because I can ask her to rephrase and not respond till she does. But there's just a lot of angry, resentful-sounding speech of all kinds, like stuff it wouldn't make sense to ask her to repeat, that just gets under my skin. She sounds very huffy and aggravated a LOT of the time. I know some of this is bad modeling by me. She can be realllllly challenging and I have been battling some health issues. However, I try very hard and usually am pretty calm and patient, even when she is getting my goat.

I think actually that she may not realize she does it, to some degree, and that it has become a bad habit. She is sort of emotionally tone-deaf and not very aware of how she affects others. She often does not fully see that someone else is upset or sad or frustrated--she just doesn't read emotion that well. (No, she is not ASD, we're about 95% sure--but she does lean a tad in that direction.) We've talked about it and talked about it, and she understands the issues intellectually, but in the moment, that doesn't seem to matter.

In a way I guess I'm looking for some kind of way to gently modify the behavior, but I don't want it to be any sort of reward system or anything like that.

[Callimom]

Have you tried some kind of code word or phrase to help her pay more attention to her tone and approach? If it isn't appropriate to have her repeat her comments more respectfully, at least it may give you a way to draw her attention to it.

Does she speak this way to everyone (friends, strangers etc?) or does she reserve it for you? One brilliant idea a wise woman told me about was to say that "Family deserves your best" meaning that if you would not speak to others outside your family in that way, then you should not be speaking to family in that way.

I remember with my daughters, one in particular, that there was a lot of reminders to check her tone to see if she was saying what she wanted to say. It also reminded me that I needed to check mine because, sadly, when their tone is less kind, it can often be a reflection of my own or that our our home. We would usually try to regroup if that were the case.

Have you read any of the Emotional Intelligence books? I think they are a great start for helping kids learn how to become more empathetic and aware of how they influence others.

Good luck!
Karen

[lolar2]

Some vocal development takes place around 5-6. It's possible she might be using her voice to make sounds and tones she is newly capable of making and has gotten carried away with it.

[The4OfUs]

Originally Posted by Karenwith4

Have you tried some kind of code word or phrase to help her pay more attention to her tone and approach? If it isn't appropriate to have her repeat her comments more respectfully, at least it may give you a way to draw her attention to it.

Does she speak this way to everyone (friends, strangers etc?) or does she reserve it for you? One brilliant idea a wise woman told me about was to say that "Family deserves your best" meaning that if you would not speak to others outside your family in that way, then you should not be speaking to family in that way.

I remember with my daughters, one in particular, that there was a lot of reminders to check her tone to see if she was saying what she wanted to say. It also reminded me that I needed to check mine because, sadly, when their tone is less kind, it can often be a reflection of my own or that our our home. We would usually try to regroup if that were the case.

Have you read any of the Emotional Intelligence books? I think they are a great start for helping kids learn how to become more empathetic and aware of how they influence others.

Good luck!
Karen

: I usually just say something like, "woah, tone" or, "don't have to be snotty" or something like that. DS is 6, will be 7 in January.

[IdentityCrisisMama]

My idea would be to try to respond to the tone. Maybe after a time DC will start to understand that the tone is just as significant as what is said. So, if she says, "Mom, may I have a sandwich phleeeze?!?" Maybe you could respond, "I'm sorry, are you upset with me about something?" Are you tired? Are you sad about something? Did something happen today that you'd like to talk about?

[loraxc]

If we are getting a LOT of it in a day, I do sometimes ask if something is up, if she's upset about something, etc. Occasionally this does yield something (unfortunately she usually brings up school and how she's frustrated there, which is another post), but more often not.

We have tried code words for other behaviors. We tended to get a lot of "But I'm NOT (doing that behavior)!" Still, DD likes the idea of this kind of correction, so it's worth a shot.

Which emotional intelligence books would you recommend? Especially now that we have kid #2, who is naturally very high in EQ, I see how this is going to continue to be a challenge for DD. She has a really huge heart, but she is blunt and honest to a fault, lacks social nuance, and also can't stand inaccuracy in any form. It's a risky combo in a bright kid, especially in a school setting--and yes, her tone is better outside the family, but not always markedly better.

[Callimom]

I liked Raising an emotionally intelligent child by Daniel Gottman. You might also find Raise your child's social IQ by Cathi Cohen useful.

I have a child similar to yours who is very introverted and is often unable to see how tone of voice etc affect those around him. It takes a lot of work and a lot of discussions away from the heat of the moment to help him get it - and it is still a struggle at times. On the other hand when he is intune with someone he's really in tune. These two books above have helped but part of it is just letting go of the idea that they will change and working instead towards giving them tools to manage better.

Perhaps you could reframe the code word idea away from her behavior being "wrong" and instead use it as a reminder to check in with those around her, coaching her on looking for body language, tone etc.

Good luck!
Karen