Advice for more positive interactions with crazy dad!!

[azgirl]

I'm hoping I can get some advice on this:

I have a dad that didn't/wasn't able to raise us or support us. We saw him pretty sporadically but I always felt loved and not abandoned. I have a really hard time with how difficult his lack of support made my mom's life. My mom always sort of took the approach that he was mentally ill (he is undiagnosed, but obviously ill) and never ever said anything bad about him. I sometimes went years without seeing him if he went back to his home country. He has lived close by for the last several years. English is his second language. He is intense by nature and as a part of his culture.

Okay, so I decided many years ago that I wanted a relationship with my dad and I would do what it took. Part of that is having solid boundaries when he goes nuts (paranoia, ranting and raving). I can handle the extreme stuff really well. I'm having a really hard time with the normal stuff. I have no idea how to interact with him.

I had my family over for a Sunday night dinner. Everyone is in the kitchen, it's loud, my H put on a movie, I was overwhelmed. The chicken I roasted was undercooked and i was scrambling to deal with that. I was making sauce from the drippings. My Dad comes over and hovers and asks what I am doing. I tell him I'm hurrying to get things together and couldn't explain right now. He proceeds to mock me and talk about how Julia Child could make stuff and talk about it at the same time. His little pantomime includes talking about making sauce. So, he knows what I am doing, he just wants to interact. This happens all the time. He wants a lot of talking and interaction but it almost always comes in the form of criticism. He criticizes everything I do, it's nuts. It doesn't hurt my feelings or my sense of worth, but I don't know how to interact with him. I sort of understand why he criticizes me.

It breaks my Dad's heart that I don't revere and respect him and that we aren't the same culture and we don't have the same first language. He is also intense and wants to talk about philosophy and conspiracy theories and the mucked up politics of his home country. We have common interests, but he just pontificates and tells me how I am wrong and is generally extremely intense about everything. Oh, his IQ is off the charts but he has ISSUES and doesn't have a job and does not have a normal productive lifestyle...just reads all day in all those language he knows...I don't want to talk to him about anything...He doesn't make me doubt myself, he doesn't make me feel dumb, I just don't enjoy talking to him...Yes, everybody who knows him feels the same way

I know all my neurotic posts seem crazy, but I am ready to take the next step in improving sources of stress in my life and outside perspectives really help...

[miami mommy]

What are you hoping to get out of this relationship? It sounds like it must be really stressful, especially since his "normal" conversations consist of constant criticism. My mom is schizophrenic and being around her really stresses me out because it's hard to have an ordinary conversation with her, even when she's not talking about crazy stuff. She's a really nice person, but she's just not capable of a real two-way conversation where she actually listens to what I say, processes it, then responds appropriately. It's mostly just her talking at me. So even when she's not saying anything truly crazy, I just don't get anything out of our relationship. I don't see her very often and we talk on the phone infrequently. She likes to write letters...really, really long letters with a generous dose of crazy. It's sad that we can't have more of a relationship, but being around her is really hard on me. To me, it sounds like your relationship with your dad is more stress than it's worth. I have a bunch of family members that are difficult to deal with and I like to ask myself if I would be friends with them if we weren't related. Sadly, for some of my family members, the answer to that question is no.