APRIL 2010 Mamas, through September 18th - Page 3

[snoopy5386]

What a horrid night last night! Basically only got sleep in 1 -2 hour chunks all night long starting at 1 am. And then just a weird day - DH stayed home sick and threw everything off schedule and just blah!!

Tomorrow is the 1st day of preschool for Morgan and it is so bittersweet. I'm so excited for her and for me (yay alone time!) but also so sad. Where did my little baby go? How is she in school now? I just can't believe she's 4 and 1/2 years old!!

We're coming to a crossroads here with swaddling. Kelsey can easily bust out of the swaddle me now, so I'm torn - do I take that as a sign that swaddling time is over and work on weaning her, or do I go more hardcore and keep swaddling her in the halo swaddlesack? I've been doing the swaddlesack for the past couple of days, but thinking about weaning her off the swaddle. But then she does stuff like getting her arm out at 3 am and thinking that means it is time to party! So not sure what to do. I'm thinking about doing unswaddled naps next week.

Kelsey is also a tough nut to crack when it comes to laughing, what works one day, doesn't work the next. She is definitely a more serious baby than Morgan was.

[Dena]

Originally Posted by ivymae

Dena. I STILL have dreams about my mom. The good ones are of siting in "her house" (usually a small craftsman style house,with loads of plants and twinkly lights on the front porch) and talking. The hard ones are the ones where I have to remind her she is dead. I cherish the first sort, but am still broken by the second type. I pray your mama finds "her house" soon, and you can start visiting her there. I go back and forth between believing it's just a place my heart invented so I could deal with the greif, and believing that it really is her in some way, where ever she went. I don't count on ever getting used to the idea of her being gone. It's not a daily sorrow now, but it also hasn't faded. Don't push yourself, you are not grieving 'wrong' - there's just no right way to do this.

Thanks for this. I have never had dreams like this before. Though I still dream about my dad after almost 34 years, it is never like that. It is just him coming to visit, and always a happy dream. I did have one dream where my mom came to visit me that was wonderful, but the rest lately have been awful - I am so happy to have her back, but know she is dead. I guess it will just take time to get better, though I really don't expect to ever get over it.

LNF - thank you for your thoughts as well. Yes, having small children does slow the grief process, but they certainly keep my busy and laughing, and make it easier in dozens of ways.

Laughingfox, I hope something goes your way soon. Is there any way to get grant money for the transcripts? Or any way your school will do them for free?

Ann and Jess While have not had birth trauma, I have had a NICU baby and I so much understand the feeling of wanting a do-over. It took me a couple of years until I wanted another baby because I wanted another baby, not because I wanted to "get it right."

Originally Posted by loveneverfails

YAY FOR SENDING OLDER CHILDREN AWAY TO STRANGERS TO LEARN THINGS AND NOT ASK ME 50 GAZILLION QUESTIONS ALL AT THE SAME TIME, IN SURROUND SOUNDS!!!

Sofia went back to school last week. It is amazingly quiet around here these days. Ahhh....

AFM, I have also had the, "well I could do that if I didn't have babies to carry/nurse/change" feelings. I also try to remind myself how quickly it goes, and to savor these moments, because these two are the last. Sniff.

Speaking of which, I could use some input. We have five embryos frozen from our last cycle and kept them frozen until Maya and Hannah were born. But the lease is up on our freezer space, and we really need to decide what to do with them. Keeping them frozen is not really an option, as if we did have another, it would be because we were so financially secure that the $ for another IVF was pocket change. So, the choices at this point are to donate them for stem cell research or donate them to another couple. I am so torn either way. I look at my beautiful babies and I die a little inside to think of their siblings disected for research (though I am fairly certain they would not feel anything, but still, it is life). Otoh, to have my biological offspring out there somewhere and not know where, or who was raising them, or if they were ok... well, that makes me die a little inside too. And I am not sure how I would deal with a known "open adoption" type scenario either. I am just at such odds. Thoughts? Opinions? Thanks...

[snoopy5386]

Originally Posted by Dena

Thanks for this. I have never had dreams like this before. Though I still dream about my dad after almost 34 years, it is never like that. It is just him coming to visit, and always a happy dream. I did have one dream where my mom came to visit me that was wonderful, but the rest lately have been awful - I am so happy to have her back, but know she is dead. I guess it will just take time to get better, though I really don't expect to ever get over it.

LNF - thank you for your thoughts as well. Yes, having small children does slow the grief process, but they certainly keep my busy and laughing, and make it easier in dozens of ways.

Laughingfox, I hope something goes your way soon. Is there any way to get grant money for the transcripts? Or any way your school will do them for free?

Ann and Jess While have not had birth trauma, I have had a NICU baby and I so much understand the feeling of wanting a do-over. It took me a couple of years until I wanted another baby because I wanted another baby, not because I wanted to "get it right."



Sofia went back to school last week. It is amazingly quiet around here these days. Ahhh....

AFM, I have also had the, "well I could do that if I didn't have babies to carry/nurse/change" feelings. I also try to remind myself how quickly it goes, and to savor these moments, because these two are the last. Sniff.

Speaking of which, I could use some input. We have five embryos frozen from our last cycle and kept them frozen until Maya and Hannah were born. But the lease is up on our freezer space, and we really need to decide what to do with them. Keeping them frozen is not really an option, as if we did have another, it would be because we were so financially secure that the $ for another IVF was pocket change. So, the choices at this point are to donate them for stem cell research or donate them to another couple. I am so torn either way. I look at my beautiful babies and I die a little inside to think of their siblings disected for research (though I am fairly certain they would not feel anything, but still, it is life). Otoh, to have my biological offspring out there somewhere and not know where, or who was raising them, or if they were ok... well, that makes me die a little inside too. And I am not sure how I would deal with a known "open adoption" type scenario either. I am just at such odds. Thoughts? Opinions? Thanks...

Can't you just take them home? Bury them in the yard? Or something??
I don't know what I'd do in that situation either Dena.....

[OneWithTwo]

:yawning
I just made a double batch of lactation cookies. Have I mentioned how exhausting breastfeeding is for us? Jennings is acting like a newborn and wants to snack/eat every 1-2 hours. My supply can't even get a chance to even out! some days it feels like it has and then he wants to nurse nonstop and supply ups itself to the point I am forced to pump

Anyways, breastfeeding is great. Not much time to the computer now though as he occupies all the time where I have to be holding him. I have NO CLUE how y'all nurse in a carrier...we try and fail.

So he has lost weight, but the Dr. isn't upset like I am because she thinks it was water weight from the sodium. He take three bottles a day with sodium. Less BM in the bottle and lots of sodium.

current weight: 11lbs 9.5oz

[OneWithTwo]

I was going to suggest the same thing Dena...can't you bring them home and bury them?

Happy belated Birthday to P&H

Rhi- I kept checking the old thread too and thought it was a little too quiet

[rhiOrion]

Originally Posted by Dena

Speaking of which, I could use some input. We have five embryos frozen from our last cycle and kept them frozen until Maya and Hannah were born. But the lease is up on our freezer space, and we really need to decide what to do with them. Keeping them frozen is not really an option, as if we did have another, it would be because we were so financially secure that the $ for another IVF was pocket change. So, the choices at this point are to donate them for stem cell research or donate them to another couple. I am so torn either way. I look at my beautiful babies and I die a little inside to think of their siblings disected for research (though I am fairly certain they would not feel anything, but still, it is life). Otoh, to have my biological offspring out there somewhere and not know where, or who was raising them, or if they were ok... well, that makes me die a little inside too. And I am not sure how I would deal with a known "open adoption" type scenario either. I am just at such odds. Thoughts? Opinions? Thanks...

My coworker is having the EXACT same issue. For right now she's still freezing them because there's a slight chance they may want one more child eventually (they have two right now). But she doesn't like any of the other options for the exact same reasons you mentioned. It's tough.

AFM- We had a big party this weekend and my sister left us her snow cone machine. Last night I had the idea to shave a bunch of ice and put it on the booster seat tray for L to play with. It turns out that shaved ice is endlessly frustrating for a baby who can only barely get small objects to her mouth. She kept trying to get it to her mouth but it kept melting and falling out of her hands. She got really excited when I'd put a little ice in her mouth, though. So finally I shoved a mesh feeder full of shaved ice and that was a total hit. It was all squishy in her hands, so she liked playing with it that way, plus it felt great in her mouth.

She's getting very good at sitting, but sometimes she falls forward, and sometimes she falls sideways.

She's getting good at getting her foot into her mouth.

Her eyes are turning brown from the center out.

She likes to try to stand, but it surprises her when it doesn't work very well.

She's generally just pretty cute.

[snoopy5386]

oh my goodness, I'm sooooo tired. Why, oh why, must I actively convince my baby to sleep from 2 am on each night? Seriously, each wakeup has become a fight to get her back to sleep from wide awake, and she wakes up like every hour or two! This morning she was up for the day at 7:30, an hour and a half earlier than normal. Yawn!!!!!
Babies need sleep! Lots of sleep! So sleep child!!

[Peace+Hope]

snoopy, goodness, it's been a while since you've had good sleep, with that one break. . after the family reunion, i'm going to start putting charlie to sleep in his hammock at night, to see if he wakes up less often than in our bed. i'm convinced his greater awareness is making him more disturbed by sleeping with us. i imagine he's more ready to be sleeping on his own that i am for him to be

erickalynne, i'm glad your dr. isn't worried about jenning's weight, and so glad nursing is going well. i guess having a newborn-like nurser means you'll have newborn nursing boobs for awhile?

rhi, omg, L is SO cute! i could eat her up, just like i do charlie . charlie loves standing too, makes him giggle. we have really low window sills in our house, and they are the perfect height to look like they were made just for him to stand and look out the window.

dena, re your mom. what ivy said is so beautiful, i hope the dreams can become a place to meet up in a peaceful way. i could totally understand putting your embryos to rest, but would seriously consider the benefits to others a significant gift to give as well. surely your heart will guide you.

laughingfox, . can you find out what the job will pay before you commit yourself and to the babysitter?

afm, totally with you mamas getting over your births and immediate aftermaths. i know we had the best possible experience, for having to go to the hospital. however, it was STILL traumatic, i am grieving my HB, a future child (scared sh*tless about pre-e again - preemie or losing a baby, disabled baby), scared about the $ involved if we ended up in a similar or worse situation... i've posted on a pre-e thread in birth trauma and am going to check out the community at the pre-e foundation site.

[laughingfox]

Jen, I can't get funding for the transcript fees, because no funds are available before I'm "in" at the new school, and I can't officially get "in" until they have them. Catch 22.

Dena, s

P+H (and everyone else )- I'm on my way out the door in 15 minutes to talk to my old boss and see what the pay rate is going to be. I think it'll probably be a waste of time, but I've got to try. I'm not committed to a sitter yet. I can't afford to be- they require downpayments to hold your spot.
If the job does wind up being worthwhile, I'll probably have to pawn my guitar to make the downpayment. I know it's worth at least a couple hundred, but I have no idea what I'll get for it if I pawn it. *sigh*

This morning, DH and I were sitting with DD2 on her potty, and he said "No one else is going to care for her the way you do, and she's going to be so miserable without you."
Gee, thanks. Way to make me feel better..

[rhiOrion]

Oh yeah, re: dreams-

I still have dreams about my grandparents. And I frequently know they're dead. Sometimes I have the dreams where I have to remind them that they're dead.

And they've been dead for 12 and 8 years.

I actually just had one about my granny a couple nights ago. It was awesome because I got to hug her.

I need them to come meet Lorelei in my dreams. They would have been so absolutely 100% smitten with her. They were really really great grandparents.

Sometimes I know they were dead, but in my dream they're back alive. And sometimes I know they are dead and it's disturbing that they're not.

I also occasionally dream about some of my pets who have died. And I usually know they're dead.

[jsh7809]

Hugs to all. I can't imagine what it's like to lose a parent but I have a similar feeling as Rhi mentioned over beloved grandparents not getting to meet Symphony. I know they would've loved her so much! And even 14 and 13 years after losing them, I find myself thinking of situations in which I'd love to call or see them.
Snoopy - sorry about the awful sleep, I feel your pain! The difference for me is that S is usually fast asleep but crying and wriggling in her sleep so much that she wakes herself up if I don't intercede and calm her down. Swaddling every night helps but is getting OLD, especially because she wriggles out. But without it she was even worse.
So my plan for now is to try to let her fuss/ cry for a few minutes each time so I can be sure she's waking up. Which sucks, cause I still wake up, but so far we had at least one false alarm where she settled down on her own. I'm also trying to get her to almost-asleep so she can get used to settling all the way down on her own... if that starts working, the next step is just patting her to soothe without picking her up. Argh. She needs to nurse twice in the night these days (once at 10:30 or 11, and again at 3ish), then again in the early morning. I am having to go to sleep around 9 each night so I don't completely burn out. I am ready to feel like I have a life again! Grrr.
I'm trying to be patient with both of us, though. I'm sick and still feeling like I'm finally getting back to "normal" post birth and PPD. Chest colds tend to turn into bronchitis for me, so I'm on hold with the advice nurse while baby naps to see if I can take my inhalers. S keeps looking at me like "excuse me, I'm trying to sleep!" when I cough or sniffle, so it was a long night/ morning.
I really do think we'll just have the one child, since that has always been our plan, but I totally want a "do over". I just read on FB of a friend's baby boy who was born last night - it's her first, and he was born after an hour and a half of labor. No drugs. Water broke at 5, baby was born at 6:30. 3-8 cms in 50 minutes. ARGH! I'm happy for her but so jealous. I also read a beautiful, natural homebirth story and just felt so bitter and envious afterwards. I want to get over that! My goal is to be able to tell S her birth story in a positive way each birthday... luckily she won't be able to understand much on her 1st bday, when it's still freshest in my mind

Hope everyone has a good day. Good luck on the job/ daycare situation, laughingfox!

[rhiOrion]

We're having some sleeping issues here, too.

The past two nights L has started thrashing her legs around. And considering she sleeps on me it's really really annoying. She'll wedge her feet against my arms and push as hard as she can, and it hurts! Then she wakes herself up and sits up (the way she sleeps on me she can sit up on her own) and looks at me like "WTF! WHY AM I AWAKE?!" I keep pulling her back to my boob and she sucks once or twice and then thrashes again. Last night she finally just lay back on my stomach and stared at the ceiling and then fell asleep. She did that the other morning, too. It was sort of weird, as she's not normally a "fall asleep without the boob" kind of gal.

So, I posted the following question on the nighttime forum, but nobody answered. Maybe you guys can help me brainstorm.

As I've mentioned, L sleeps on me. Typically she falls asleep on DH in the carrier and he bounces her for 30 minutes - 1 hour while I get read for bed. I get in bed and relax for a few minutes before he brings her in to me. At that point she nurses and falls asleep. But it takes a while for her to be asleep enough to unlatch.

I don't think she's getting enough sleep at night. She's not getting in the carrier with DH until at least 9:00, usually closer to 9:30. I have to wake her up at 7:15 to get ready to leave the house.

I can't go to bed any earlier. 9:30ish is early enough, thankyouverymuch. But she can't be put down. She'll only stay asleep in the carrier for maybe an hour, tops, so DH can't really start bouncing her to sleep any earlier (plus it hurts his back after a while). If i got in bed at, say, 7:00 to try to nurse her down, I'd be stuck in bed for most of the evening- but I'm worried that may be my only option. I wish we had a tv in our bedroom, really!

What to do?!

[jsh7809]

Rhi, that thrashy thing is similar to what S has been doing for awhiiiile now. I hope L's just going through something short term! I bet it has something to do with them learning to control all of their muscles. So annoying!
As for bedtime issues, ugh, sorry to hear that. Ours have gotten better now that we do an earlier bedtime (starting at 7 we do bath, pj's, stories, then bed, which means swaddling and sucking and rocking till she drifts off). She also has stopped needing to suck to sleep as much - still a lot, but sometimes she'll pop off and yawn and turn her head a bunch and then fall asleep. Sooo you might try introducing an earlier bedtime with a routine and SEE if she'll be put down - but you know her best, and if it's just not gonna happen yet, I'm not sure what else you can do. Can you trick her with a swing or something else with motion? How does her daycare get her to nap? Sleep issues are such a drag!
I should say, the earlier bedtime is making things much easier for S - but she's now waking up at 5 am! Or, rather, not waking up, but fussing and crying in her sleep because she has to poop or pee or something that she can't do in her sleep. So now I have to wake her up, and then resettle her back to sleep all over again and it SUCKS.

I'm with Snoopy. If you're tired, baby, won't don't you SLEEP?! I have to not talk to parents who have a baby you can just put down when she's sleepy (sorry, Ivy) and she'll go to sleep and stay asleep. ARGH. Some friends have told me their babies' nap and nighttime sleep seemed to get better around 6 months, so I"m not giving up hope

[rhiOrion]

She naps for daycare in the swing.

I *might* be able to trick her with the swing, at least for a little while.

Maybe I'll try this (excuse me for thinking "out loud")- Start our bed time routine at around 7:30. Get DH to start bouncing her to sleep by 8:00 (she was starting to show some tired signs about then recently). Turn all the lights off and turn the tv way down (or off on nights where there's nothing on). Once she's out, put her in her swing with the sleep sheep turned on for white noise. So she'd probably be in the swing by 8:30 or so. Maybe 8:45.

Then I can go ahead and get ready to go to bed at the normal time. Still get in bed at about 9:30, and have DH bring her to me at the first sign that she's waking up (so before she all-out screams and becomes difficult to get back to sleep). I think in that case even if she wakes up a bit I can nurse her back to sleep.

Okay. That's my plan. Let's see. The tricky part is going to be if she'll transfer from carrier to swing.

Another option would be for me to get completely ready for bed by 8:30, and then see if she'll nurse to sleep on the couch. Then I could at least watch TV. The tricky part there is what to do when I need to pee and take out my contacts before I actually get in bed. Or at least pee (I could wear my glasses).

[jsh7809]

Glad I'm not the only one who can't do anything after about 7pm every day except take care of the baby, get ready for the bed, and go to sleep.
I would look into doing a bedtime routine that is consistent every day, at the same time. That has helped us a lot, though it took awhile to get consistent and get her to sleep every night.
My point is, although it sucks transitioning the routine, maybe L will do better with an earlier bedtime and a routine? Like pajamas, nurse, rock, go to sleep in the swing? The NCSS helped us a lot, but I have to tune out some of the stuff that doesn't work for us, at least not yet.

[laughingfox]

Well, no dice on the job. I could start on Sept 19th... but it pays $8 an hour, the shifts are 6 hours long, and the cheapest sitter I can find charges $40 a day.
After tax, I wouldn't even break even, let alone make any money.

It was kind of nice to have someone actually want to hire me, though.

[ann_of_loxley]

She had a marathon giggle fest at the crazy faces her grandma made today, SO awesome, and I got it on video!

Share!!!

Hamish will giggle but it usually takes a lot of work and then it is only a few giggles rather than storm of giggles. Hes a very serious baby but loves to smile at people! A good smile is about all I can get out of him!

We are not having any sleep problems but he does have a new earlier wake up time which is around 5:30! I don't like it - it is also now dark that time in the morning! But it does mean I can shower and get ready for the day meaning when DS1 gets up (which is much later!), I am ready to just go go go instead of still needing to get ready for the day! It also means DH is still home to hold H whilst I shower because he still does't like being put down - but that is getting better!

We are having fun with strange nursing position though! He likes to twist himself all around whilst nursing. His favourite way to nurse now is with me laying on my side whilst he lays next to me on his tummy!

He does nurse a LOT! I can see why people might think a baby was ready for solids at this stage. DS1 was on solids at this age - but I know better now lol At least he never feeds for very long - usually just a 5 minute nursing session but I do have a huge supply and a fast letdown so he probably takes in a good amount during that short time. Hes a big comfort sucker though as well so I think that is what adds to the amount of times hes at the breast.

[snoopy5386]

Rhi and Jess, hugs!! For us, at least Kelsey will go to sleep in the early evening and be good until about 2am. My problem is I end up staying up way too late myself and don't get more than 2 hours of sleep before she wakes up. Kelsey will either nurse to sleep and transfer to the crib or I'll bounce her to sleep in her bouncy seat in her room and then leave her there for a while until she is in a deep sleep and then transfer her to the crib. I take my laptop in her room with me and bounce her while sitting in the rocker. Oh and my rocking chair broke! Last night I sat in it and it was weird and yep it is broken. Now I've gotta get a new one and all the ones on Craigslist are either super expensive or crappy, grr....
Rhi, can you get her in the nap nanny? I would definitely try the swing and also get on freecycle and get a tv for your room!
I let Kelsey try to settle herself back down and sometimes it works, other times she just gets more and more awake and then is harder to get back down again. When she wakes I first try to nurse her back to sleep so she is nursing like 5-6x a night? Then the swing which is 50-50, half the time it puts her to sleep and half the time she screams bloody murder and it is a pain since I have to unswaddle her to put her in it and then finally the bouncy seat, where I sit at 3, 4 or 5 am, bouncing her while repeating my mantra - "this is just a phase, this is just a phase".

[rhiOrion]

We tried putting her in the nap nanny this weekend and as soon as I put her down she started screaming. She seems to only do okay in that if she's been asleep deeply for quite a while.

My other fear is that she'll start waking up earlier! Right now I frequently have to wake her up to get ready to go. I won't be able to function if she starts waking up before my alarm.

We actually have two old tvs we could put in our room, but they are both older and can't connect to the laptop. and we don't have cable and get no reception in that room. blah.

[laughingfox]

Originally Posted by rhiOrion

We actually have two old tvs we could put in our room, but they are both older and can't connect to the laptop. and we don't have cable and get no reception in that room. blah.

What about DVD/Videos in that room then? We don't have cable or reception on any of our TVs, but you can get super cheap VCRs and tapes at most thrift shops (here anyway). Pawn shops are great places to get super cheap DVDs. We got a whole series of Friends at one for $5 once. I still don't think we've watched the whole thing.

Also, I wonder if you could get some kind of converter box, or a different cable to connect the laptop to the older TVs? I remember hooking up a computer (not a laptop) to a TV in the 80s, so there has to be some way to do it..