Ugh. what should I be doing about this?

[mamaduck]

My 3 yo. son is really *mean* to children who are close to his age when they vist OUR house. This has been going on for over a year -- he becomes extremely possessive and hostile. Whenever another child is over (unless it is an older child) I spend the whole time hovering over DS keeping him from flipping out. I have to constantly repeat, "We don't grab toys. We use our words. We don't scream at friends." Constantly. Its frustrating -- because if we are on neutral territory or at another friend's house, he does *great.* He's brilliant and good and sweet and kind, and enjoys the other children immensely. But set one foot in *his* turf and he falls apart.

But in order to have playtime at other people's homes, we need to reciprocate... and I just can't handle this anymore. So we haven't had any official playdates for a very long time.

Except that, in order to keep my pt. job -- I need him to go to my friend's house for 1.5 hours once a week with his brother until DH can get them. And in order to keep her help, I have to watch her little boy for 3 hours once a week. I *really* need this to work.

Today was my turn with the kids, and it was hellish. I took them to the mall (nuetral territory) and that was fine, but then my DS couldn't seem to handle having him in *our* car and was mean and grabby the rest of the afternoon.

I'm really worn down by this, and I don't know what to do. He's such a good kid usually -- and this is exhausting by contrast. How can I help him loosen up and SHARE!!! Even if its just sharing our family room or sharing a hug from his mama... Even if it is just for 3 hours a week. What can I do?? Everytime he gets like this I feel like such a failure.

[MaWhit]

Hmmmm.... some ideas....

Give him a shelf or a drawer at home and a box in the car where he can stash his favorite toys. Tell him he does not have to share any of those toys with his guest.

Role play. Play pretend "playdate" with him and take turns being the guest and host. When he plays the guest, model the behavior you'd liek him to have when he's hosting.

What does he have to say about all this? Is he scared that you'll keep the other kid? Does he think the kid will take his toys home? Does he feel threatened or insecure? Talk to him. Get into his head and find out what bothers him the most. Help him verbalize his emottions. "It sure is frustrating when..." "I bet you wish you could...." etc

[pamelamama]

I love the role playing idea. s

[Dar]

FWIW, I do think it will pass as he gets older...

I think going out somewhere is a good plan. Would your friend be open to you watching her son at her house? I guess it would work if she had places to go, but not if she wanted to stay home and catch up there.

Would your son be able to plan the visit with you beforehand, and go around and figure out where friend can go and where he can't, and what he can use and what he can't, and then close those things and areas off for the visit - and plan something fun to distract the visitor.

I would think it was more a "controlling the environment" thing, and control is a big thing at that age, so maybe giving him some control would help. Some people really like to have a safe, familiar home base where everything is predictable, and it's hard when someone intrudes into that space.

Dar

[monkey's mom]

It's hard! My son is 27 months and we've been in the same playgroup since the beginning. They are ALL doing it!! At other's homes it is fine--but, get any of them in thier own house's and it is total grabbing, freaking out, screaming 'mine.'

No advice, just wanted to let you know that you are not alone! And getting out of the house is what we've been doing, too.

[Nanner]

I can totally relate. My dd is 3.5, and this kind of thing has been going on for a year, with some good moments thrown in with many bad ones, in particular on her turf. She had/has a lot more issues with one child in particular (little girl of a friend of mine who is 8 mths younger than dd). And then the little girl and her MOm moved in. Lol.
They're our roommates since January, and let me tell you, it can be very hellish. We have some houserules, maybe you can institute some of these during the times you keep other young kids. You may already do this, but here goes. Can you make his room off limits to guests unless he says it's okay for them to come in? And have him put up toys he doesn't want to share in there, or some other place if that doesn't work. Keep out lots of toys that there are multiples of or that work better for cooperative play. Personally, I don't use the "timer method", like Sears and others recommend. Sears says that if one kid has a toy and the other wants it, you set the timer and then take it from the first kid and give it to the other. I could see using this if *both* kids wanted and item at the same time that could not be shared or whatever. But, in our house what we do is have "share toys" which are all toys that are not in the kids bedrooms. These are always share toys (as in they can't go hoard them in their room, and if they take them in their room to play with, they have to bring them back out). Anyway, gotta go try to type more later!
Sara

[mamaduck]

I appreciate the assurances that this is not abnormal. My first child had friends over all the time (his own age) when he was 3, and loved it. So this is disconcerting. I tried to comfort myself by telling myself it is just a phase, but its extending beyond what I would normally call a "phase." Its also weird that it doesn't happen with kids who are a bit older than him. Even if is just 10 months or a year older -- he does well.

Can you make his room off limits to guests unless he says it's okay for them to come in? And have him put up toys he doesn't want to share in there, or some other place if that doesn't work.

We definately do this. His room is completely off limits to anyone but family. He goes through the house and puts special toys on his bed before a friend comes over. My rule is, that anything left in the family room is something that must be shared. And he isn't allowed to take toys to his room that he and his brother share.

I don't do the timer thing either. I ask the kids to assure each other that they will hand it over when they are finished. They eventually do. Sometimes, my kid needs extra encouragement.

I can see that he is working at this. We have long talks before someone comes over. He is aware of the problem and I can't see the wheels turning in his head while he concentrages on being nice. Its just that after a certain length of time -- he runs out of resources.

Role play. Play pretend "playdate" with him and take turns being the guest and host. When he plays the guest, model the behavior you'd liek him to have when he's hosting.

I'm definately going to try this! Thanks.

Some people really like to have a safe, familiar home base where everything is predictable, and it's hard when someone intrudes into that space.

Yes, I think this is true of him. Do you think it will always be true? Why does he feel safer with older kids though?