can father take baby away??

[rainbow_mandala]

So this is probably a dumb question but I'm worried that he might do something crazy. My ex and I are no longer together and I'm 15 weeks along with our child. I do not plan on putting his name on the birth certificate because he is not emotionally or physically capable at this time to be there regularly for his child. He very much wants to be a good father, though, so I'm wondering if he's going to decide to try and take the baby once he/she is born. He's a very strong-willed person, so even though he knows it wouldn't be a good idea, I could still imagine him trying to do something like this Please tell me there's no way he can do this if his name isn't on the birth certificate...or am I going to have to take him to court over it?

[Mackenzie]

Youre good unless he decides to fight paternity and get it established....

[happysmileylady]

Not putting him on the birth certificate will really not help help you in any way. If he really wants to be a dad, he can certainly make all the legal attempts necessary to establish paternity. I am not sure exactly what those legal steps are, but all not putting him on the bc is going to do is make it harder for you in the long run if he wants to be a part of his child's life.

Not to mention, that regardless of your opinion of him and his abilities at this particular point, he IS the child's father. It's not really fair, nor in the best interests of the child, to deny the child his father or try to pretend the guy doesn't exist (which is what you are doing when not putting him on the bc.) Unless the guy is abusive and you have reason to be fearful and need to hide, denial is only going to make the whole thing worse.

[MammaB21]

In my state it would be very difficult for a father to take full custody of an infant even if his name is on the birth certificate. That is of course, if the mother is fully capable of providing adequate care to the baby. If he did decide to fight for custody and he's not on the birth certificate he would first have to prove paternity. Then he would have to prove that it's in the child's best interest to be in his care full time (which is hard to do in the case of an infant especially if they are breastfed). Chances are he would be given visitation which is typically every other weekend.

If he honestly wants to be a good father, taking an infant from it's mother is not a good way to start. But it sounds like he'll want to be a part of the babies life, which he should be. I your shoes, I would just make sure to offer him plenty of time and access to his child. Maybe the two of you can work out some visitation on your own.

[Penelope]

I wouldn't make it all-or-nothing for him. Perhaps an attorney can help you draw up a custody agreement for him to sign after the baby is born, specifying that he has x hours of supervised visitation per week (or visitation in your home) during the baby's first two years and some unsupervised visitation after that for instance. If he feels like he has adequate access, is kept in the loop, and can be a good father without pushing for full custody - that seems like it would be healthiest/safest for everybody.

[rainbow_mandala]

I have given him the opportunity to be there after the baby is born, but I'm having to move out of state to live with my parents and be near extended family. Since he has health problems which make it difficult for him to be there consistently, I don't feel comfortable staying here with just him and me (especially since I have an older child as well that I mostly take care of). I've tried explaining this to him, but all he sees it as me "taking his child away". He won't move there, too, even though there's plenty of room for him and he won't even have to pay for anything. His emotional and physical issues makes him feel pretty embarrassed and not comfortable with such a huge change. It's not that I don't want him to be a father, it's just that I don't feel it's safe at this point because the only option he sees is if the child is here (where we currently live) with him. And he also has become verbally abusive lately about this so I've had to stop talking to him...I don't know how to reconcile things. I figured maybe leaving his name off will make it so I don't have to worry about what he tries to do, but it sounds like it won't make much difference in the long run.

[meemee]

honestly mama i really think that's a wrong thing to do. tifwiw.

i would NOT leave the state.

you CANNOT truly parent being states away. there is a thread here about divorce and kids. its something you should read. most of the posters said the worst thing was a parent moving away.

figure something out. buy yeah you have to move out and have separate residences. hopefully between him, your family you might be able to at least afford a studio or roommate. you might have to return to part time work if you are not working. i am sure if your partner knew the choice was either you move out or you move states away, he might be willing to accept you living elsewhere. but no no matter what. he absolutely has no right to keep you when you dont want to be there.

i would do everything to support a relationship. i would also separate relationship between you and him and between him and his child.

even though things are bad between him and you doesnt make him a bad father. i have an absolute verbally abusive ex but he is the kindest, gentlest father.

also if ur partner knows you are planning to leave the state that might be contributing in making him verbally abusive.

if you gave him chances and he didnt try to be a father then of course i would move to make it easier for you. but initially i would do everything (i actually am) to foster a relationship between child and parent.

actually if he had a bulletin board to go to, he could be totally writing your post. it goes both ways for him too. my partner is planning to take my child away from me after birth.

also a judge is not going to helpful either. another mom on our single parenting forum did this. but at a certain age the son had to spend summer and winter holidays with father. i think it was age 2 or 3. and it was horrible. the son had such a hard time separating from mom and staying with someone he didnt really know.

so in the short run you might get your baby, but in the long run life might be miserable for you toddler going to spend weeks with other parent.

you have to really think about what you want to do.

[stik]

Legally speaking, it is probably better to move during pregnancy than after the child is born. At the moment, legally speaking, there is no child to deprive your dh of access to.

If he is being verbally abusive to you, the more space you put between the two of you, the safer you are. It is not your job to make things well with your ex, or to appease him so that he treats you reasonably. You cannot control his feelings or his behavior. You can control your proximity to him. Keep yourself safe, physically and emotionally. If that means moving (and it sounds like it does), you should move asap.

After the birth, you could conceivably be accused of denying your ex access to your child by moving. But I don't think you can if you move now.

[rainbow_mandala]

Would it still be considered depriving him access to his child if I have left the door wide open for him to come live with us? It's not like I'm moving to another state to get away from him...I really don't hate him or even dislike him, I understand why he's been verbally abusive lately...he feels very out of control with all of this, especially because a big part of it is due to his health problems which are going to take time to heal (who knows how much time). He feels like if I stay in the area then he'll at least be able to see his child when he's able to, but I simply can't do that because I need the extra support for multiple reasons. It's a really sad situation, it took me awhile to figure out what the best solution is and I really wish we could work something out for everyone's sake...but what else is there to do?

[DaughterOfKali]

I've been in your shoes. Get a lawyer ASAP. Some lawyers offer free consultation.

[PoppyMama]

I disagree totally about staying in the state to help facilitate a relationship with the other parent. I know this attitude is gaining a lot of favor but having spent my late twenties making myself and my position in our family the lowest rung on the ladder I have gained a new perspective. YOU will be caring for and maintaing this family and assuring your futures and it can be difficult to impossible to do that well when you're living your life wrapped around and incapable, irresponsible man who needs to be catered to and helped along (and basically deferred to in the case of staying in a bad place for his convenience) in his fatherhood. I know people say it's best for the children but I don't necessarily agree and even if it would be preferable for them it's important that the mother is allowed to assure her own future.

[A&A]

Originally Posted by stik

Legally speaking, it is probably better to move during pregnancy than after the child is born. At the moment, legally speaking, there is no child to deprive your dh of access to.

[A&A]

Originally Posted by rainbow_mandala

Would it still be considered depriving him access to his child if I have left the door wide open for him to come live with us?

I would send him nice emails to this effect, and then print them out. Also print out his (ranting?) emails in return.

Those probably can be used in court.

[happysmileylady]

Welll....

You are worried about him taking the baby away, and yet, you are thinking of not putting him on the birth certificate and moving out of state, yet you don't think he should be feeling that YOU are taking his baby away? Regardless of the reasons that you are moving, OF COURSE he's going to feel like you are trying to take his child from him, wouldn't you feel the same if the shoe was on the other foot?

As another poster mentioned...from a legal standpoint, moving out of state isn't going to be as big of a deal as it would once the child is born. However, it can certainly still factor into legal considerations assuming that he does take this to court. And, being in another state from him is likely to make court proceedings more difficult overall. You might want to check around to see how things are handled if he files for visitation where you are now, but you live out of state-are you going to end up having to travel for court? Also, if he has health issues right now, how much of an option is it for him, really, to up and move with you....and how is the court going to view your leaving while pg in light of those health issues?

I am not saying to stay in the state for him, it could still be that moving is what's best for you and the baby. I am saying that you need to consider all those angles before you move. I think you do need a lawyer ASAP, so that you can discuss all of that stuff and how the laws regarding paternity and visitation and how things are viewed in court in your area to help you figure out how best to proceed.

Unfortunately, once you make a child with someone, you are tied to that person, in SOME fashion for at least the next 18 years. Even if he truely takes off and you never actually see or hear from that person again and you never get child support or have to deal with visitation or any of that, there's the child's thoughts to consider. It's natural for the child to want to know where the father is, why he never sees him, etc etc. And it's certainly not right to lie and say you don't know when you do, so you are still stuck with that tie to that person.

[stik]

Custody hearings generally take place in the jurisdiction where the child lives. If the child has never lived anywhere else, there is absolutely no reason why a custodial parent would have to travel for hearings. Travel for visitation might be a consideration.

Honestly, I am not a person who has experience with custody issues. However, right now, there is no custody issue and there is verbal abuse. This is why I'm encouraging the OP to go where she needs to go to be safe, physically and emotionally, and to find support.

Everything else can be dealt with later, probably with the advice of a lawyer who has some experience with custody issues.

I'll add that this:

Also, if he has health issues right now, how much of an option is it for him, really, to up and move with you....and how is the court going to view your leaving while pg in light of those health issues?

really shouldn't be a factor. If the OP isn't depriving her ex of shelter or access to his property or resources, then it doesn't matter what kind of shape he was in when she left him. He's an adult and courts do not bind adults to provide care and comfort to other adults if they choose not to do so. Lincoln freed the slaves - so the OP is good there.

[Autumn Breeze]

Moved to Single Parenting from Talk Amongst Ourselves

[Oriole]

Originally Posted by happysmileylady

Welll....

You are worried about him taking the baby away, and yet, you are thinking of not putting him on the birth certificate and moving out of state, yet you don't think he should be feeling that YOU are taking his baby away? Regardless of the reasons that you are moving, OF COURSE he's going to feel like you are trying to take his child from him..

yup... you are taking a child away from dad. How is that any better than taking away a child from a mom?

His reaction and fears seem to be very reasonable. I hope you will reconsider your plan of action. Surely, something else can be done.

[happysmileylady]

Originally Posted by stik

Custody hearings generally take place in the jurisdiction where the child lives. If the child has never lived anywhere else, there is absolutely no reason why a custodial parent would have to travel for hearings. Travel for visitation might be a consideration.

Honestly, I am not a person who has experience with custody issues. However, right now, there is no custody issue and there is verbal abuse. This is why I'm encouraging the OP to go where she needs to go to be safe, physically and emotionally, and to find support.

Everything else can be dealt with later, probably with the advice of a lawyer who has some experience with custody issues.

I'll add that this:



really shouldn't be a factor. If the OP isn't depriving her ex of shelter or access to his property or resources, then it doesn't matter what kind of shape he was in when she left him. He's an adult and courts do not bind adults to provide care and comfort to other adults if they choose not to do so. Lincoln freed the slaves - so the OP is good there.

Well, that's why the OP is probably best off making her decisions with the advice of a lawyer. I am not saying the court would think she's responsible for her ex's health, rather, if he has health issues that possibly prevent him from moving, that her offer of "come with us" would carry even less weight, because he wouldn't be able to, yk? She asked if it would still be considered depriving him of access if she left the door open for her to come with, but if he's not actually able to go, well, then there isn't really a door to leave open.

[rainbow_mandala]

Originally Posted by happysmileylady

You are worried about him taking the baby away, and yet, you are thinking of not putting him on the birth certificate and moving out of state, yet you don't think he should be feeling that YOU are taking his baby away? Regardless of the reasons that you are moving, OF COURSE he's going to feel like you are trying to take his child from him, wouldn't you feel the same if the shoe was on the other foot?

I understand your perspective, but the roles are not completely equal, at least not in the beginning. I'm the one who's pregnant, I'm the one who's going to be giving birth, I'm the one who's going to be exclusively breastfeeding for at least the first 6 months. It's just not balanced. Therefore, I have to think of mine and the baby's health and well-being first and foremost and not automatically defer to him just because he's the other parent. That said, if he were the one who's pregnant and he felt the need to go move in with his parents and be near extended family to get the support he needs, I would not blame him for it one bit and I would not feel like he's "taking" the child away. Also, not having him on the birth certificate was simply a protective measure in case he decides to do something rash. Like I said, this man is very strong-willed, so it's difficult to say what exactly he will or will not try to do. Now I see it probably won't make a difference.

[rainbow_mandala]

Originally Posted by happysmileylady

Well, that's why the OP is probably best off making her decisions with the advice of a lawyer. I am not saying the court would think she's responsible for her ex's health, rather, if he has health issues that possibly prevent him from moving, that her offer of "come with us" would carry even less weight, because he wouldn't be able to, yk? She asked if it would still be considered depriving him of access if she left the door open for her to come with, but if he's not actually able to go, well, then there isn't really a door to leave open.

It's actually a toss-up whether or not one could conclude that he would not be able to move with us. He suffers from PTSD, depression and general anxiety issues but he's taking medication for it. It still doesn't help completely, though, which is why they're an issue. He also sleeps a great deal...this has been getting worse since I met him, he thought it was due to sleep apnea, so a doctor diagnosed him and they gave him a sleep mask for it. That has not helped much. Then they discovered he was low in a few vitamins, so he's taking supplements. That is not helping much, either. I don't know what's going on with him, no one really knows. He's had a very hard life, big changes are difficult for him, but I feel like if he was determined to make the move then he would be okay. There wouldn't be huge demands on him since I would have extra help and he could still get the sleep he needs and what not. But the PTSD and other emotional issues keeps him from feeling safe enough to make such a big change...maybe upping the medication or trying different types of therapy? Or maybe he's simply not capable of this move? It's hard to say...