or Connect
Mothering › Mothering Forums › Mom › Parenting › Single Parenting › can father take baby away??
New Posts  All Forums:Forum Nav:

can father take baby away?? - Page 2

post #21 of 36
I am not sure if it has been mentioned (I did not see it), but in some, if not many, states, a father is not necessarily added to the BC if the parents are not married. I know in some states there has to be affidavits and such to get a father added that was not married to the mother. So putting him on may not even be a choice.

As long as the child knows who the father is (and I think in almost all circumstances that is important), it is fine.

As for the moving out of state, I agree with the pps, move before baby is born. Much less problems that way.
post #22 of 36
Quote:
Originally Posted by rainbow_mandala View Post
I understand your perspective, but the roles are not completely equal, at least not in the beginning. I'm the one who's pregnant, I'm the one who's going to be giving birth, I'm the one who's going to be exclusively breastfeeding for at least the first 6 months. It's just not balanced. Therefore, I have to think of mine and the baby's health and well-being first and foremost and not automatically defer to him just because he's the other parent. That said, if he were the one who's pregnant and he felt the need to go move in with his parents and be near extended family to get the support he needs, I would not blame him for it one bit and I would not feel like he's "taking" the child away. Also, not having him on the birth certificate was simply a protective measure in case he decides to do something rash. Like I said, this man is very strong-willed, so it's difficult to say what exactly he will or will not try to do. Now I see it probably won't make a difference.
oh mama! mama!!! that's a dangerous attitude to have. that is soooo not fair. what if something happened and you werent allowed to bf? do we have to measure by how much they are doing. for instance if he does pay some sort of alimony and CS isnt he providing equal even though you are directly caring for the baby. i absolutely do not think you should look at it that way.

and just because you feel differently if the tables were turned you should not expect him to feel the same.

i will definitely try to talk to a lawyer and find out what your rights are according to what your situation is. dont look at what's going to happen in the few months after birth. but look for the repercussions the first say 8 years.

and then see what you want to do.

your bf is strong willed. he is going to be worse about his child. you cant take the upper hand about him being a good parent or not without giving him a chance.

i can relate to him not wanting to move if he has all those health issues. esp. if he is a VA or even on state assisted insurance. it is huge to try and transfer that.

the problem with this kinda situation is trying to find the middle ground. but you both have to discover what the middle ground is for the both of u.

i would not move. without a lawyers advice. yes its easier to move while you are pregnant but as others pointed out knowing what you know moving would make you look even worse in the eyes of the court.

would you be willing to allow your 18 month old or 2 year old spend a month with daddy over summer and winter.

it wouldnt be an issue if bf was not going to fight. but if he is going to - he can make you look real poor in the eyes of the law.
post #23 of 36
First of all just do whatever you need to do for the sake of the baby. Whatever that maybe. I know from experience that some men won't want anything to do with new babies and toddlers. So let's say you did stay near this man who seems to have great physical and mental limitations. He may be of zero to no help with the baby. However if you move to be with family you will get all the support you need which will help you to be a better parent which in the long run, a very stable and healthy custodial parent can truly make all the difference when the other parent isn't so together.

I will say your statement that you're the pregnant one, the breastfeeding one, etc will go against you. I agree with you. However, a judge will not see it this way. Judges and the court of law believe in giving father's plenty of access to the child. There has to be extreme circumstances for a father not to get visitation rights. Some judges will care less if you are nursing an infant. From my point of view we do endure the pregnancies and the birth and the nursing. We know our babies in and out and all the sudden the papa's want 50% custody tearing the nursing infants away from the only care providers they know. Their mama's. It happens. Often. Not that i don't think papa's shouldn't be seeing and developing a relationship with their babies. I do think it is crucial. However, in increments building a stable foundation and not tearing the nursing baby from it's mama.

the choice is yours. keep in mind you could have to deal with long distance visitation even as early as two. Or you having to travel the baby back and forth. He won't be able to just show up and take the baby. You can file kidnapping charges if he did. What he can do is file for paternity and get visitation established. But he can't do this until the baby is born.
post #24 of 36
Move now while you are pregnant. Wherever you live once the baby is born will be your residence state. If Dad wants to be a part of the child's life then he will need to find a way to do so. Family is important and your family will be your support system. A judge will not fault you for moving back to where your family lives if you need financial and mental support.

If you are afraid of this man or he is abusive, simply refrain from giving him your info on where you are moving to and do not put his name on the BC. You can always claim you weren't sure who the father was at the time. If I needed to make sure Dad stayed out of the picture I'd go so far as to lie about even having the baby.

I wish you the best!
post #25 of 36
Quote:
Originally Posted by Avani View Post
First of all just do whatever you need to do for the sake of the baby. Whatever that maybe. I know from experience that some men won't want anything to do with new babies and toddlers. So let's say you did stay near this man who seems to have great physical and mental limitations. He may be of zero to no help with the baby. However if you move to be with family you will get all the support you need which will help you to be a better parent which in the long run, a very stable and healthy custodial parent can truly make all the difference when the other parent isn't so together.

I will say your statement that you're the pregnant one, the breastfeeding one, etc will go against you. I agree with you. However, a judge will not see it this way. Judges and the court of law believe in giving father's plenty of access to the child. There has to be extreme circumstances for a father not to get visitation rights. Some judges will care less if you are nursing an infant. From my point of view we do endure the pregnancies and the birth and the nursing. We know our babies in and out and all the sudden the papa's want 50% custody tearing the nursing infants away from the only care providers they know. Their mama's. It happens. Often. Not that i don't think papa's shouldn't be seeing and developing a relationship with their babies. I do think it is crucial. However, in increments building a stable foundation and not tearing the nursing baby from it's mama.

the choice is yours. keep in mind you could have to deal with long distance visitation even as early as two. Or you having to travel the baby back and forth. He won't be able to just show up and take the baby. You can file kidnapping charges if he did. What he can do is file for paternity and get visitation established. But he can't do this until the baby is born.

And he will have to do this where you are (where the child is)....which might actually, to be honest, keep him from doing so due to the distance. Not putting his name on the babies birth certificate will actually accomplish something. It puts one more hurdle he has to leap in his way. That and establishing paternity takes time in the court system. He won't be able to just get visitation within days of the baby's birth.

I agree with previous posters however. Yes, you need to be worried about what will happen right after birth, but you should really be planning for the long term. Please visit a lawyer in the state you are moving to (as that is where jurisdiction will be) and get a consultation. Also, start documenting his activity now. And I agree with putting the information that you are "leaving the door open for him" in writing via email. That is a great way to show that you aren't trying to just "take his child away" and that you are attempting to facilitate a relationship between them even before birth and that he declined.

I would not take the advice to lie about your whereabouts unless you feel he is a serious threat to you, or lie about the birth of the baby. That will look badbadbad if he does decide to drag you to court and play dirty.
post #26 of 36
Um, yeah he is freaking out and saying crazy stuff. You are unilaterally deciding to take his baby away. He has just as much right to this kid as you do and you better believe if the shoe was on the other foot you would probably start being a little "verbally abusive" and perhaps unstable as well. I know I would. Yeah he feels out of control. You have his baby and you have told him you aren't even going to acknowledge his paternity. Sure we are the ones who go through the nursing and the pregnancy. Can you imagine how out of control and frightening it must be to know someone else has that much power over your child? And you have none? You cannot do anything to help the baby or be there for it? you have to trust someone else to care for it for nine months. And hope they are doing right by your child.

Ok fine you need to move close to your family so they can help you. This is logical. Having a baby outside of wedlock is not an ideal solution. This is one of the reasons. Sometimes the best answers still aren't great. You are doing what you can to facilitate a relationship in this way. But another down side is that you do not get the baby all to yourself all the time. It simply is not your choice. The father has a right to his child and the child has a right to his father and your opinion on this matter doesn't really matter much. Moving far away from the father could mean you have to give up the baby for an extended amount of time. I would love to move home to be closer to my family but I prefer my kids spend frequent short stays with their dad rather than fewer extended stays. Its a choice I have to make. it is part of not being with their dad any more. And it sucks. But that is how it works weather we like it or not.

But I think it would be in your best interest to put his name on the birth certificate. Because if goes to court (and it probably will) you do not want to look like you were intentionally keeping his child from him (which you are). And I don't know where you are or what the laws in your area are but here if you force someone to go to court unecessarily they can sue you (and win) court and attorney fees. If I were the dad and you forced me to go to the expense and time waste of proving that I was the father even though I knew and you knew and I knew you knew but you were refusing to just say it I would so sue you for court fees and lost wages and what not.

You do not get to decide if he is s suitable father once he is the father. (one should never have sex with someone they don't want to split custody with....live and learn). once there is a child the courts get to decide how he is split between the parents. It sucks. believe me I know but really you do not get to decide.

I think your best course of action is to maintain frequent positive communication with him, put his name on the birth certificate and be proactive in a co parenting plan.
post #27 of 36
Quote:
Originally Posted by lilyka View Post
Um, yeah he is freaking out and saying crazy stuff. You are unilaterally deciding to take his baby away. He has just as much right to this kid as you do and you better believe if the shoe was on the other foot you would probably start being a little "verbally abusive" and perhaps unstable as well. I know I would. Yeah he feels out of control. You have his baby and you have told him you aren't even going to acknowledge his paternity. Sure we are the ones who go through the nursing and the pregnancy. Can you imagine how out of control and frightening it must be to know someone else has that much power over your child? And you have none? You cannot do anything to help the baby or be there for it? you have to trust someone else to care for it for nine months. And hope they are doing right by your child.

Ok fine you need to move close to your family so they can help you. This is logical. Having a baby outside of wedlock is not an ideal solution. This is one of the reasons. Sometimes the best answers still aren't great. You are doing what you can to facilitate a relationship in this way. But another down side is that you do not get the baby all to yourself all the time. It simply is not your choice. The father has a right to his child and the child has a right to his father and your opinion on this matter doesn't really matter much. Moving far away from the father could mean you have to give up the baby for an extended amount of time. I would love to move home to be closer to my family but I prefer my kids spend frequent short stays with their dad rather than fewer extended stays. Its a choice I have to make. it is part of not being with their dad any more. And it sucks. But that is how it works weather we like it or not.

But I think it would be in your best interest to put his name on the birth certificate. Because if goes to court (and it probably will) you do not want to look like you were intentionally keeping his child from him (which you are). And I don't know where you are or what the laws in your area are but here if you force someone to go to court unecessarily they can sue you (and win) court and attorney fees. If I were the dad and you forced me to go to the expense and time waste of proving that I was the father even though I knew and you knew and I knew you knew but you were refusing to just say it I would so sue you for court fees and lost wages and what not.

You do not get to decide if he is s suitable father once he is the father. (one should never have sex with someone they don't want to split custody with....live and learn). once there is a child the courts get to decide how he is split between the parents. It sucks. believe me I know but really you do not get to decide.

I think your best course of action is to maintain frequent positive communication with him, put his name on the birth certificate and be proactive in a co parenting plan.
I forgot about legal fees! Yes, this is why you should see a lawyer asap when you get to your new state. You need to make sure you are taking all the right steps. I do know though, that to add someone onto the BC in this state, that the father has to be present and sign his name, if you aren't legally married. I think someone previously mentioned this too. Otherwise, there are papers that have to be filed after birth by him that says he acknowledges paternity. I would also ask a lawyer what these steps are in your new state.

I am like lilyka. I am being forced to go to grad school in my current city instead of any other school because I would prefer shorter visits and having my children close at all times. Now this may change when my ex gets stationed (finally! we've been here since 2007 and he still has two years left here) somewhere else, but we will cross that when we get to it.
post #28 of 36
I'm in a similar situation. I'm pregnant and the Father was/is abusive.

For your situation... if the Father is abusive, then you need to protect yourself as well as your child from him, but I would be very careful in doing so- you must make sure that he is truly abusive, not just saying angry things because you were planning on moving away with his unborn child. There's a very fine line there, that neither I, nor anyone else here really knows, except the original poster, but, OP, be very careful you don't cross that line, because it may bite you in the butt, bigtime, if you do.

That being said, this is what I learned from my situation...

If you do move to another state, do so before the baby is born. Once you're established residency in that state for 6 months, if the Father wants visitation, whatever, he must file in your residential state.

There are risks, however...

You could be court ordered to move back to the Father's state, especially if he's unable to come to your new state. You could be court ordered to provide ALL the transportation back and forth, even if it's every other weekend with the Father for two hours at a time. Also, long distance visitations tend to be longer- instead of every other weekend, for example, it may be weeks at a time, when the baby is older, to make up for the "lost time" due to distance. Also, supervised visitation may be harder to get if it's state-to-state.

As for the birth certificate...

If you're unmarried, you don't have to put the name on the birth certificate. Doesn't mean that he can't fight for paternity and have his name added in time, but until paternity is proven, you technically don't have to put his name on. Until paternity is proven and/or his name is on the birth certificate, he has no legal right to the child. In my case, my baby's father's name will not be on the birth certificate until there is a court oder to do so, because he has threatened to file for full custody at birth (physically and verbally abusive man), and if he loses, to kidnap my baby to his home country. If your believe your baby is in this kind of danger, then I strongly suggest not putting the name on the birth certificate. If you just don't want him interfering with "your" child, then perhaps you're overreacting? (Again, you know the full situation, we don't.)

I also strongly suggest getting a lawyer ASAP.
post #29 of 36
I think you should do what it is that is best for you and your baby. The baby is not born yet, so I don't think there is a jurisdiction for the baby now. Your partner seems to need some special help of his own, and may not be able to care for the child.

Good luck with that.
post #30 of 36
Jurisdiction is determined by where the baby was born if the baby is under 6months. If the baby is older than 6months, it is where the child has lived for the previous 6months of its life.
post #31 of 36
You definitely need a lawyer. One thing that hasn't been mentioned is child support or needing of state services. Some states require that you disclose the father before you'll be awarded welfare (granted, this may be old information, from the punitive era of social services, but definitely worth being aware of) because they'll want to know that the child has all of the money THEY are entitled to before the state kicks in.

I agree you need to do what is right for you and your situation, just make sure you know all of the risks - short and long-term - before leaping.
post #32 of 36
You'll need to be near someone supportive and positive while getting ready to have your babe. If this is your parents and they are out of state, it doesn't really matter. You go to family when the relationship fails. Nobody would argue that. Demonstrating through certified mail or other documentable communication will ensure you have offered the open door at your folks' house and this has been rejected. If your partner is suffering from strange and unknown illnesses, sleeping problems, and mental illnesses, he would probably need a psychological evaluation if he sought custody of the new babe. He may be a great daddy but you will need some more evidence of that before testing it out. Leaving his name off the bc is a safe call. He can always be added on if he follows through with being a dad, but if he bails on the kid, you've got a clean b.c. for the future. If his name is on there and THEN he bails, you've got a battle on your hand for future alternate parentage. Just a thought. I might be a bit jaded. Most states do not require a father's name on the b.c. for welfare. It's asked for but if you simply "don't know", there's nothing you could do. SMC's who need assistance usually get it, IME.
post #33 of 36
I have not read all of the responses, but I would like to caution that YES absolutely he could file a paternity case and petition for custody.

I would come to some agreement about parenting responsibilities NOW. One of the best clauses added to our separation agreement was that neither parent could move farther than a specified range without both parents coming to an agreement about how parenting time would be split.

If you have an agreement approved by the court, and then he is not following the agreement, you would have grounds to file for full custody and to limit his parenting time.
post #34 of 36
Quote:
Originally Posted by COVegMom View Post
If you have an agreement approved by the court, and then he is not following the agreement, you would have grounds to file for full custody and to limit his parenting time.
A court won't approve a parenting plan until there is a baby. Right now, as far as the court is concerned, there is no baby b/c baby doesn't 'exist' until s/he is born.
post #35 of 36
Quote:
Originally Posted by thyra View Post
A court won't approve a parenting plan until there is a baby. Right now, as far as the court is concerned, there is no baby b/c baby doesn't 'exist' until s/he is born.
Right, but I am imagining that it would be easier to come up with a plan, through a mediator or attorneys, now than it would be with a newborn. Then you just have to file it with the courts. And both parents will know ahead of time their responsibilities in terms of time and child support.
post #36 of 36
Quote:
Originally Posted by COVegMom View Post
Right, but I am imagining that it would be easier to come up with a plan, through a mediator or attorneys, now than it would be with a newborn. Then you just have to file it with the courts. And both parents will know ahead of time their responsibilities in terms of time and child support.
But can they PAY for a mediator? B/c they'll have to since the court won't support it until after the baby is here.

Also, if she wants to move, the LAST thing she should do is get the courts involved.
New Posts  All Forums:Forum Nav:
  Return Home
  Back to Forum: Single Parenting
Mothering › Mothering Forums › Mom › Parenting › Single Parenting › can father take baby away??