Three-year-old abuses his father & the dog - Page 2

[The4OfUs]

Originally Posted by ATD_Mom

Once I became noticeably pregnant, he would hoard time and touch and attention with me. He wouldn't let DH put his hand on my belly, would scream and push it away, saying "Give me room! There's no room for you!" Anyhow, he has always bossed around both of us*, but centered most of it on DH. It's only post-baby that he has started using his hands and feet on him.

(*For example, when you start up a set of stairs, he starts screaming that it's his turn, and we have to wait for our turn. If you don't wait your turn, you have a 10-minute tantrum on your hands. What would you do if you were driving around a subdivision, looking at houses, and your child started screaming, "Don't turn your head! Stop turning your head! Stop that right now! Do not turn your head! Don't do that any MORE!" repetitively and then started crying and kicking? This is what I mean by bossing us around. DH gives in to it and stops, just to stop the tantrum. Sometimes it's certainly the easiest thing to do.)

Okayyyyyy, I'll try to say this gently. You HAVE to stop giving in to him on things like this. Yes, he will tantrum. That's OK. He'll tantrum a lot in the beginning. Again, it's OK. It will be LOUD, and it will last a long time. I've been there, done that with my feisty daughter. You can even sympathize with him how angry he is about not getting his way (but don't patronize). It's OK for him to be mad and loud about it UNTIL he learns better ways to handle it. And you're going to teach him better ways to handle it.

Going up the steps: "DS, there are no turns on the steps. Wherever you are is where you are and you walk up the steps safely. There is no passing or pushing on the steps, it's dangerous." Then pick him up and put him back to the bottom of the steps if necessary. Repeat 700 times if necessary. I've had my kids come back to the bottom of the steps 3 or 4 times in a row sometimes if they're jockeying for position on the steps to get up first. Them keep coming back to the bottom until they walk up safely without shoving. You *could* set up a set of taking turns on the steps, but I know with my kids, that's just exhausting....because they will become so fixated on who's "turn" it is that it stops being fun and becomes more of a problem than just saying "knock it off". In our house, sometimes playful makes things more complicated. Not always - sometimes playful works great. Other times, not so much.


For the car and shouting: You pull over and stop the car, and say in your strongest, but calmest voice. "You may NOT speak this way to me when I'm driving. It's unsafe, and completely unacceptable. You do not get to decide who looks where in a car. The car is for everyone to ride in. " Don't start the car again until he has calmed down. If he starts again, stop the car again. We had an issue with my DD when she was 3, telling my DS he wasn't allowed to look out her window, and she would scream about it too. I had to pull over probably 5 times and tell her loudly, firmly, and calmly that this was completely unacceptable, that the car was not her kingdom and she didn't get to decide who looked where. The hardest part of the whole thing is staying calm while they are not. This is not a cold, mean calm, but a warm, firm and unmoving calm.

You're going to have to ride out the tantrums for a while, which I KNOW is exhausting. My DD was very much like this, and still can be at times. She is definitely not doing it as much at 4 as she did at 3. But I can imagine if we gave in to her, she still would be doing it. I've had to direct her on:
-Not shouting "STOP LOOKING AT ME!" at people who smile at her.
-Not shouting "YOU CAN"T HAVE IT, IT"S MINE!" to an adult who admires something like her shirt or a toy she's carrying.
-Not pushing her way to the front of a line
-Not shouting at her older brother when he tries to sing along with her, or play a game with her.

Those are just the situations I can think of off the top of my head. There are many more. I've had to spend a LOT of time with her giving her direction on appropriate responses to things. And not giving in to the demands. I've not punished her for her reactions, but I've also not given in to her, apologized for her when necessary, and had her make age-appropriate amends when possible. It has been exhausting, quite frankly. But ...her spirit is still intact, for sure, AND she is developing into quite a delightful, respectful, but still feisty little girl. She still has her moments, and we still handle them the same way. But the moments are coming fewer and farther between.

Being firm and setting limits and boundaries for this kind of thing, when you have a really intense, demanding child isn't mean, it's actually helping them to learn what the limits of social interaction are, and teaching them how to treat people kindly and respectfully. And not *all* interactions are like this.....the day is full of fun, and times when she *does* get to decide how things go. But when she acts like that, there's no way. If it's a reasonable request, and she can ask politely and kindly, we'll do it. But demanding someone not look out her car window, it's just not happening.

[paxye]

Originally Posted by happysmileylady

I don't think a "naughty step" or spot or whatever, is necessarily arbitrary all the time though. Sometimes the natural consequence of a child's action is that the child ends up isolated. If child A hits child B on the playground, child B is very likely to avoid child A. The kids child A hits, the more they avoid him, and soon, child A is all alone on the playground. So, placing the child on a "naughty spot"/in time out/in his room etc, is simply creating that isolation and seperation at home or wherever else you are at.

Sorry, I honestly don't agree with that... yes, isolation *may* happen on the playground... or it may not... have you even seen other kids diffuse the situation themselves and turn the violence of one into a game and then everyone starts having fun... I have..

Time-outs are not logical or natural... as you said, you are creating a situation that may or may not happen and only punishes a symptom of behaviour instead of getting to the root of the problem and learning what to do instead.

I'm not trying to pick a fight, I have lived the experience of using time-outs and seriously damaging my relationship with my oldest son because of it. It took a long time to re-establish the attachment that we once had and I just don't agree with them and never will.

[meemee]

oh mama my shoulders feel heavy thinking ALL that you have on your shoulders.

everything that you write - everything - i find is all about you and your dh. it really has nothing to do with ur toddler. he is being who he is. your baby is being who baby is.

you ARE living a parents nightmare. just the two of you. a new place. no help. no sleep.

on top of all this you burnt the oatmeal. now you cant even cook

this is an incredible amount of pressure on you.

every piece of your sons behaviour is age appropriate.

the place you need to find and focus on is finding compassion for your child. the only way you can do that is by meeting some of your needs.

in whatever way you can manage. between dh and you. start with very little things. showers at midnight - hopefully uninterrupted. a walk in the park all of you. delve deep inside you and try to touch whatever it is that meets your needs.

you have so little left over for your children that you can only parent them but not enjoy them. and yes those are two different things.

i dont know if you have any chance of help.

but please.

stop.

find something ANYTHING that takes care of you. even if its a moment to enjoy thehumming bird outside your window.

or just to sit down and nurse and enjoy a glass of cold water.

you HAVE to find something. keep searching and find those things that helps you center yourself. find your calm. you dont have an option and dont say you have no time. it doesnt take time to find the peace. it can happen with the snap of the finger. you have to keep looking for whatever touches you. both you and your dh.

take time to sometimes just watch your children. no interaction. but just watch them.

research about whats age appropriate for your son and focusing on finding some calm within the both of you - will automatically give you ideas of how to help your child thru this hard time. it is really really hard for 3 year olds. its not just parents who 'suffer'. its our kids too. they dont have the verbal intellect to express what's going on inside them. kinda its like the beginning of teenage years. its the same kinda angst.

when children go thru growth spurts and a lot of physical and emotional development which 3 year is all about - esp. consciousness dvt - being aware of the world around them - they react terribly. they cant stop themselves.

take care of yourselves mama. no one no one is going to do that for you. YOU have to put yourself first because without you your children suffer.

if you need help coming up with ideas about self care post in the personal growth forum.

[candycat]

If my 3 year old kicked me in the face on purpose I would not run around pretending to be a ball. Sorry.

If I were in that situation I would display my outrage visibly - not angrily but obviously. To make clear that we just don't DO that. I might yell in pain or put on a shocked, outraged look. Then I would probably send the child away until I calmed down, explaining WHY. ("Please go sit in your room / on the log / whatever until I calm down a little. I am very angry that you kicked me and I need to calm down.") Then I'd go there in a minute and talk (briefly) about why we don't kick people. And then try to give some attention to him if that's what he craved, but making clear that there are BETTER ways of getting attention than kicking. Then I'd try to wrap it all up with a hug or such. I wouldn't take away a privilege later on (to me that's a punishment, not a consequence) unless we were, say, at someone's house at which point we might just leave and go home. But I wouldn't cancel a fun trip after we "made up". I want my kids to know that if they mess up they're still loved and it's not the end of the world, but gosh darn it it's my job to teach them how to behave appropriately in society. Kicking people isn't acceptable.

[D_McG]

Originally Posted by candycat

But I wouldn't cancel a fun trip after we "made up". I want my kids to know that if they mess up they're still loved and it's not the end of the world.

to be clear I wouldn't start pulling trips etc unless it was at the OP's level where this is repeated behaviour and the whole child/parent thing seems to be out of whack.

[mamazee]

Originally Posted by The4OfUs

Okayyyyyy, I'll try to say this gently. You HAVE to stop giving in to him on things like this. Yes, he will tantrum. That's OK. He'll tantrum a lot in the beginning. Again, it's OK. It will be LOUD, and it will last a long time. I've been there, done that with my feisty daughter. You can even sympathize with him how angry he is about not getting his way (but don't patronize). It's OK for him to be mad and loud about it UNTIL he learns better ways to handle it. And you're going to teach him better ways to handle it.

Going up the steps: "DS, there are no turns on the steps. Wherever you are is where you are and you walk up the steps safely. There is no passing or pushing on the steps, it's dangerous." Then pick him up and put him back to the bottom of the steps if necessary. Repeat 700 times if necessary. I've had my kids come back to the bottom of the steps 3 or 4 times in a row sometimes if they're jockeying for position on the steps to get up first. Them keep coming back to the bottom until they walk up safely without shoving. You *could* set up a set of taking turns on the steps, but I know with my kids, that's just exhausting....because they will become so fixated on who's "turn" it is that it stops being fun and becomes more of a problem than just saying "knock it off". In our house, sometimes playful makes things more complicated. Not always - sometimes playful works great. Other times, not so much.


For the car and shouting: You pull over and stop the car, and say in your strongest, but calmest voice. "You may NOT speak this way to me when I'm driving. It's unsafe, and completely unacceptable. You do not get to decide who looks where in a car. The car is for everyone to ride in. " Don't start the car again until he has calmed down. If he starts again, stop the car again. We had an issue with my DD when she was 3, telling my DS he wasn't allowed to look out her window, and she would scream about it too. I had to pull over probably 5 times and tell her loudly, firmly, and calmly that this was completely unacceptable, that the car was not her kingdom and she didn't get to decide who looked where. The hardest part of the whole thing is staying calm while they are not. This is not a cold, mean calm, but a warm, firm and unmoving calm.

You're going to have to ride out the tantrums for a while, which I KNOW is exhausting. My DD was very much like this, and still can be at times. She is definitely not doing it as much at 4 as she did at 3. But I can imagine if we gave in to her, she still would be doing it. I've had to direct her on:
-Not shouting "STOP LOOKING AT ME!" at people who smile at her.
-Not shouting "YOU CAN"T HAVE IT, IT"S MINE!" to an adult who admires something like her shirt or a toy she's carrying.
-Not pushing her way to the front of a line
-Not shouting at her older brother when he tries to sing along with her, or play a game with her.

Those are just the situations I can think of off the top of my head. There are many more. I've had to spend a LOT of time with her giving her direction on appropriate responses to things. And not giving in to the demands. I've not punished her for her reactions, but I've also not given in to her, apologized for her when necessary, and had her make age-appropriate amends when possible. It has been exhausting, quite frankly. But ...her spirit is still intact, for sure, AND she is developing into quite a delightful, respectful, but still feisty little girl. She still has her moments, and we still handle them the same way. But the moments are coming fewer and farther between.

Being firm and setting limits and boundaries for this kind of thing, when you have a really intense, demanding child isn't mean, it's actually helping them to learn what the limits of social interaction are, and teaching them how to treat people kindly and respectfully. And not *all* interactions are like this.....the day is full of fun, and times when she *does* get to decide how things go. But when she acts like that, there's no way. If it's a reasonable request, and she can ask politely and kindly, we'll do it. But demanding someone not look out her car window, it's just not happening.

I agree with this. Tantrums are normal, and until he learns about the concept of futility, that he doesn't control the world and everything is not always going to go exactly how he would like it to go, he is going to have tantrums. Giving into his tantrums is not going to help him learn what he needs to learn. I wouldn't punish for them or get upset about them or take them personally, but I wouldn't give into them either. Just ride them out as calmly as you can, don't get dragged into his drama, and give him love because he'll need it (and the concept of unconditional love - that being angry at someone doesn't mean you stop loving them - is another thing he's learning.) It will be tiring while he's going through this lesson, but once he's learned it he'll be much more easy going.

[savithny]

You've got no time, I understand.

But if you have ANY time, I suggest finding a copy of "The Scientist in the Crib" and reading all the bits about how babies and toddlers and preschoolers learn about the social structure in which they live.

A *lot* of what a three-year-old is doing is trying to figure out the social structure of the human pack in which s/he lives. And to do this, they test boundaries. They purposely transgress, in order to see who is in charge, who they can trust. Some kids just *see* the order of things, some need to push limits to *test*. It's the social equivalent of a baby dropping their spoon over and over again to watch it fall -- it's data collection, only about social skills rather than about the physical world.

THis isn't "bad," this isn't "wrong," -- but humans are baby primates, and they need to know that the bigger primates have everything safely in hand.

You don't need to scream and hit and lock people in closets to show them this -- but I think repeated behavior like this is often a child who is unsure of where everyone fits together trying to *make* adults show them the structure of their monkey troop. I don't agree with "sit on your butt parenting," like you describe -- yelling across the room (though, with a 10yo and 7yo, I can do that sometimes now!). But "get off your butt parenting" isn't always enough unless you are clear and somewhat consistent about what it is you're actually expecting from your baby monkey.

[ATD_Mom]

I've learned more today than I can even remember/grasp, let alone type. But in a way of thank you and clarification and cleansing, I offer this little bit:

- DH went to work for a few hours this morning, and suddenly my mind was uncluttered and I saw some clarity. I re-read my first post, and the frustration/name-calling frightened me. Because it didn't sound like me. At all. Then I realized who it sounded like was DH. He's been off work for 8 weeks, and in that time I have lost touch with reality a bit (due to the new baby and move and my mother being with us) and have fallen into his way of reacting to things (he's been getting frustrated and name-calling under his breath for many months now).

- DH is an incredibly sensitive person, takes everything to heart. When DS becomes angry with DH, he cries and says, "I want mamaaaa." DH's reaction is, "Of course you do," in a deeply hurt and p.o.ed, throw-in-the-towel sort of way. (When DS is angry with me, he hugs me and cries.) Anyhow. In DH's sleepless state, this has resulted in a parenting style that is basically "I let you walk all over me, I become increasing angry that you are walking all over me, then become absolutely frustrated and cranky." Somehow this works for him. It does not for me. I cannot believe I called DS a name, even in my mind, let alone in a forum.

- DH and I are not consistent with DS. I am bossy (surprise!) and am constantly reminding DH of how we would like to parent ... which makes him even more tense and easily frustrated ... which makes him parent even more unlike the way either of us want. I'm really feeling for poor DH.

- I honestly thought bossiness was a stage - and am so thankful to have been shown the light. While DH gives in to the bosses, I generally just plow through them (just walk right up the stairs; just keep on looking where I want in the car). I wasn't using it as a situation in which I could teach or guide DS to show him the right way. I get it now.

- I am so passionate about not punishing my children that I have not gotten a grasp at all on natural consequences, and you've given me so many examples that I think I am now starting to get it. It's just hard in a tired state to, in the moment, come up with the natural consequence for certain behaviors.

- The teacher I called today reminded me of something so obvious. "You have a new tiny baby, which makes DS look so big, and so grown up suddenly. It's easy to expect a lot more of him now. You have to remember he isn't even three yet." Which couldn't be more correct.

- We stopped doing the "off your butt" parenting thing a few months ago, because he stopped requiring it. I could simply say, "DS, please play the piano gently" and he would. But now I realize we need to get back to our toddler methods. Sit down on the bench beside him and say, "We play the piano gently, like this ..." Again, sleepless state interfered with us seeing the obvious.

- Books are now on request from the library: "Easy to love, difficult to discipline", "Playful Parenting", "The Scientist in the Crib" (this final one sounds like exactly the kind of book that will work for my brain - I need to understand the whys).

- Most importantly: This is truly such a sweet, sweet kid I have here. I have said this so often, have been told the same. I have many times sat down and told him how much I love to hang out with him; he's just a joy to be around. He does understand "Sorry." Tonight we had a little tiff: He wanted to go to sleep holding a flashlight. Unfortunately, he cannot fall to sleep with a toy in his hand. He'll fidget with it for hours instead of sleeping. So we always put them away (just next to his pillow or on the floor) until morning. Tonight he was too tired for this. Started throwing a screeching fit. After I finally got him to put the flashlight under his pillow, we set about to reading another story. When it was through, he rolled over, sighed, and said, "Maman, I'm sorry I wanted my flashlight." I hugged him and thanked him, told him it was okay to want his flashlight. He said, "I just didn't want to put it away."

Despite how it sounds, I do think we're doing okay, in a clueless sort of way. He lashed out at DH last week, and then came in to me and DD nursing in bed, saying, "I'm sorry I hit Papa." "You hit Papa?" "Ya. He wouldn't let me do x." He seemed to want to talk about it, so we made a little list of all the things he could do when he became frustrated. This seemed to help an awful lot.

I still don't understand the difference between a threat and a consequence. Do you explain to DC what the consequence will be if he keeps doing x? Or does this become a threat? For example, tonight DS and I were giving DD a bath at the kitchen sink. He pushed my arm out of his way. I explained pushing isn't acceptable; it's dangerous. I told him if he wasn't able to nicely ask me to move, he'd have to get down from the chair. He pushed me again, while saying, "Please move out of my way." I explained he needed to do it without pushing. He tried to push me, just a little bit, just testing the limit, see how far he could go. I gently and quietly put him on the floor. He started crying. I kept quietly washing the baby, letting DS hold my leg and cry.

DH walked into the room and, before I could say anything (slippery baby in my hands!), put DS back on the chair, saying, "It's okay, just be sure to not push. Mama asked you to not push anymore."

Sigh.

[The4OfUs]

Originally Posted by ATD_Mom

I still don't understand the difference between a threat and a consequence. Do you explain to DC what the consequence will be if he keeps doing x? Or does this become a threat? .

This was a hard one for me to get my mind around, too - and I'm still not sure I really have it, but here's my take:

A threat, to me, is usually like an arbitrary punishment made to bully the kid into doing what you want, and often is dramatic and/or never actually enforced. "If you don't stop pushing me, you won't get TV for a week!" "If you don't calm down I'm never bringing you shopping again!" Laying out a consequence, on the other hand, usually has to do more with a logical consequence that flows from the situation and while designed to get the kid to stop what they're doing, is from a genuine explanation/concern and the consequence is not overly harsh or long term. "If you keep pushing me and I fall, you won't be able to stand near me while I wash the baby. I have to keep us all safe. Please be still."

Honestly, sometimes it still feels like a threat. And it's not my favorite thing to do. But with my particular kids and their particular dispositions combined with my particular energies, resources, and emotional limits, it is honestly the calmest, gentlest thing I can do for all of us sometimes. Otherwise, chaos would reign and I would seriously freak out.

The biggest realization I've had in the past 6 months is that I have to parent my kids the way they need to be parented, not necessarily exactly how I envisioned. I was a very compliant, calm child by nature and my parents would just explain things to me and I would do them. I was punished one time my entire childhood, for lying about not practicing my piano, I had to miss a TV show I wanted to watch and practice right then . My kids are not calm and compliant by nature; they are testers, envelope pushers, and get sucked into chaos very quickly...so they need more structure, and firmer boundaries and limits than I did or they would be pretty unruly and unpleasant to be around...and they are pretty unruly if I try to go to a more consensual model to see if they're ready to move back towards it. We still try for mutual solutions when we can, but when things start to go haywire we pull trump cards. We're still within the umbrella of GD IMO, just the more authoritative, parent in charge kind of GD. I hope as they mature to get back to more mutual solutions and less parent directed solutions, but for now this is what our family needs for the most harmony for *everyone* in the house.


ETA: I'm so glad to read your post and that this thread has been helpful - it's been helpful to me too, it always is to type things out.

[Super~Single~Mama]

Originally Posted by The4OfUs

Also the "we don't kick people" - well, actually, techinically, your son does kick people. That's why I've never liked the "we don't" or "we only", because clearly it's not describing what the kid just did, and it almost makes them feel disconnected from the family, you know? If "we" don't kick people, and he just kicked someone, does that mean he's not party of "we" anymore? Is he a horrible kid and you don't love him? (I don't really mean that, more as a thing that might go through his mind which is why he got obnoxious and defensive when your husband said that to him). I much prefer - "hey buddy - it's NOT OK to hurt people like that." (I use a deeper, slightly louder, more serious voice for this kind of thing, easily recognized as different than my normal voice) then later on, in a calm time, something like, "Everyone in this family deserves to be safe. I won't let you keep hurting me (the dog, your sibling, etc.) It's OK to be mad (sad, frustrated, etc.) but it's not OK to kick (hit, push, etc.). Next time, you can say I'm MAD! and stomp your foot (or insert other alternative). If you keep hurting us, you're going to have to cool off somewhere until you can calm down and be gentle again."

For the bolded, I use the phrases, "Feet are not for kicking", "Hands are not for hitting", "Teeth are not for biting" etc. There is an awesome picture book series with books titled all of these phrases, and while I only have the one about biting, its an AWESOME book and my ds LOVES it. It would be worth seeing if your library has it, or if you can afford to order online from amazon or something. The biting one gives kids great alternatives to biting, and emphasizes that biting hurts people - I bet the kicking one is similar. My ds is only 20mo, but I think the book is a little advanced for him maybe - it might be more age-appropriate for a 3yo. Or it might be a little young, but I think thats ok.

ETA - These are great books for when your ds is happy, and for when he's just calming down from being mad. The biting one is really good, and I've been wanting the rest too. They might be really good for your DH to read to him since he sounds like he gets frustrated - these might be a good way for him to connect with your ds. Good luck!!

[geekgolightly]

Originally Posted by paxye

A child put in time out or a a "naughty step" is most likely not thinking about what they did/what they should do next time, they are not learning about what they should do, they are thinking about the punishment, how not to get caught next time, what they are going to do after, how much they hate the parent (that is what I used to think of)... Even if you talk about it after, it is too often too late.

I disagree. I think that putting someone in a timeout whenever there is a misbehavior probably isn't the best way to solve things, but when emotions are heated, with children and parents, a time out is best for ALL parties. There has to be a reconnection though with a real conversation about what transpired and suggestions about appropriate ways to behave.

Just like with adults, if you're both angry in the moment, a discussion will turn into a fight, but if emotions are well controlled and you can think clearly, then there can be a productive conversation.

[slylives]

I wanted to make a comment about your son's violence towards your dog. You need to make that stop NOW. Your poor dog has no idea of why this is going on, and you need to do your damndest to ensure that the two of them are never alone together (and yes, I really do understand that this is so much easier said than done!)

But, if I put this in GD terms - the natural consequence of your son hitting you dog is that one day your dog is going to turn around and bite him. Maybe it will be a nip on your son's hand. Or maybe it will be a jaw clamped around his face.

[marinak1977]

Originally Posted by slylives

I wanted to make a comment about your son's violence towards your dog. You need to make that stop NOW. Your poor dog has no idea of why this is going on, and you need to do your damndest to ensure that the two of them are never alone together (and yes, I really do understand that this is so much easier said than done!)

But, if I put this in GD terms - the natural consequence of your son hitting you dog is that one day your dog is going to turn around and bite him. Maybe it will be a nip on your son's hand. Or maybe it will be a jaw clamped around his face.

there is too much at stake there. The natural consequence could cost your dog its life, and your son could end up with a lifelong fear of dogs.
Good luck, your DS sounds like a sweet boy and you sound like a very caring parent, I hope you're through this phase soon and safely.

[ssh]

Originally Posted by ATD_Mom

I do not understand the difference between a natural consequence and a punishment. Please help!

What in the world do you do when your three-year-old kicks his father in the face? My husband removed DS from the situation by saying, "Get out of the tent." Then my husband came inside, vented to me, then went back outside.

DS: "I'm sorry I kicked you."
DH: "We don't kick people. That's not the way we treat people."
DS: "Yes, it is."
DH: "If you want to kick something, you can kick your ball."
DS: "You're a ball."

etc.

What is a natural consequence of this kind of behavior? I understand if you do it in the store, the natural consequence is that I don't take you to the store next time. But just in general horrible behavior, how do you demonstrate how horrible it is without punishing?

He turns three next week. He is dealing with the huge change of having a new baby sister (DS used to be an only child, DD is now five weeks old). He also has lost all sense of routine, as my husband is now off on parental leave and every day is like a Saturday. He's taking it all out on his father and the dog.

These are all the reasons for him behaving like an absolute a-hole lately (hitting and punching DH, repeatedly kicking the dog, screaming and yelling at birds and small animals in the yard, just in general being horrible to be around). But what I don't understand is what to do about it. My books, such as "How to Talk so Your Kids Will Listen and Listen So Your Kids Will Talk" are all geared toward older children.

If you hurt someone they get angry or stop playing with you. I've been talking to my DD about the possible consequences of different behaviors since she turned 3. We also talked about what kind of person she wants to be and how her behavior should match who she is. Also how people will see her based on how she behaves. So at 3 my DD wanted to be a princess and a superhero, so a princess is nice, kind and friendly while a superhero is brave, good and helps people. Neither one would kick daddy in the face or be really rude and bossy. Maybe you get the idea. Two things that helped were the idea that the behavior isn't the person but a choice and not to take the behavior personally. It's just an expression of stress and a lack of self control.

Your DS has anger because of the new baby and the loss of his routine. Getting a new routine will probably help. I don't think saying "I don't let people hurt me" and leaving the tent is punishment. The idea that people don't want to play with us if we hurt them is an important idea. Stopping the play anytime your DS hurts your DH on purpose could help stop the behavior.

[waiting2bemommy]

I haven't read all the responses yet, but I saw several people suggesting playfulness....We do a lot of playful, silly parenting over here (for example we have a Butt Song that we sing to break the mood when things are getting ugly...I know, I know,) and my child is by no means perfect so i'm probably talking out my a$$ here, HOWEVER.

Just yesterday my child who is not even three yet saw someone else being rough (with the dog, incidentally) and he went over to him and said, "you need to cut it out or you'll be in biiiiig trouble with me!" to whic the other child (who is 7) said, "my mommy doesn't care" to which my ds replied, "if I was mean to Jasper (the dog) my mama would kick my butt!" and he picked up jasper and moved him away from the offender.

disclaimer: we do not do any literal butt-kicking around here. But my two year old still knows that unprovoked hitting of the dog is wrong and is a big deal. And he had the sense to move the dog. So I don't see how it is unreasonable to expect a child not to hit his own father. God help my ds if he ever hit anyone in this family. I think something stronger than distraction is called for, really.

lots of things are annoying but still tolerable. physical violence is not one of them. After all, everyone goes on and on about how wrong it is to spank....is it not equally wrong for a child to be beating up on his parents/siblings/pets?