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My friends tell my kids they're rude. How to deal. - Page 2

post #21 of 51
Diff'rent strokes. But saying a behavior is "rude" is not akin to hurling obscenities at a child. I don't see how "interrupting while others are talking is impolite. You have to wait your turn." is significantly different that "please don't interrupt - it's rude". Except that the former takes a lot longer to say and the kid has likely tuned out by the time you get to the end.
post #22 of 51
Thread Starter 
Very interesting responses! I suppose this thread could also be titled 'other people disciplining my children in a style I'm not comfortable with.'

Quote:
Originally Posted by Dar View Post
I've pointed out that according to Emily Post, correcting someone else's manners is one of the rudest things one can do. Good manner and politeness are all about making people feel comfortable, and telling someone else that he is being rude doesn't accomplish this.
Yes, I'd ever tell an adult what they did was rude, I'd find some other way to express my need and wishes. "I'm talking, I will speak with you when I am done," said with a tone appropriate to the situation is much more effective to me than telling an adult they're actions are rude. Same for kids.

Quote:
Originally Posted by velochic View Post
I think you're never too young to start learning manners - even at 18 months children can be told that an action is rude. The way it is taught is another thing all together.

If these people are "Friends", then they must be close enough to you to think that they are in the circle of people who are considered the "village" that will raise your child. If that is not the case, I think it's your prerogative to tell them to not correct your child. Otherwise, I don't see anything wrong with what they did. They said what needed to be said, perhaps not very gingerly, but still...
Oh, I totally agree. Manners are important and teaching them all lies in the 'how.' From the moment my kids start interrupting I have them wait. A few seconds for a baby, longer for a toddler; my 3.5 year old must wait until the conversation is done before I'll turn to her (except in emergencies or extremely long conversations of course). But "I'm talking, I don't like being interrupted. Please wait until I am done.'' is miles different to me than 'you're being rude.' Maybe that's me; I'll need to think more why these are so very different for me. I guess I'm trying to teach manners not just directly but by exemplification. Telling someone they're being rude, especially someone else's child, just feels really harsh to me. I don't want to say it, I don't want to hear it. I think I mentioned in a PP that this isn't a 'hey, please be aware that interrupting is rude,' type of a remark, but a sharp reprimand.

The personal space issue is so very culturally bound. We have lots of friends and family from different cultures and all have different personal space requirements. In the example, my DD was standing as close to my friend as my Dad's side of the family would stand to her. Yes, I think she's entirely capable of learning that different people like different levels of closeness, but at three she needs more direct education about this. To label her behavior as rude without first saying, 'I'd like a little more space', or even shifting position to give oneself more space, is neither effective or respectful. Will she now think of her family and friends who stand close as rude? Will she start telling them that? Big can of worms here. Or, to look at it another way, big teachable moment!

And I totally agree, I need to talk to these people about this, I'm just struggling with the words. I've been talking more about my discipline style around them so they get a sense of what my kids are used to. Maybe it will take eventually.
post #23 of 51
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by mtiger View Post
Diff'rent strokes. But saying a behavior is "rude" is not akin to hurling obscenities at a child.
Nope, definitely not. It would be a much easier dilemma to solve if it were about hurling obscenities!
post #24 of 51
Quote:
Originally Posted by Belia View Post
I don't know if this would work exactly, maybe you could reply, with a smile and a chuckle, "Don't be silly! DC isn't being rude, he's being a toddler!" Just to plant the seed that your child should maybe not be held to the same standards as an adult.
Why is it silly to not want to be interrupted or to have your personal space invaded? I think if your goal is to have your children respected and treated with dignity, you shouldn't belittle adult feelings either.

Granted, I hate that phrase "Don't be silly", though. I've never seen it used in a way that wasn't a blowoff.
post #25 of 51
I actually try to hold even babies to the same standards as adults, but without the associated expectation. Like i do think everyone should be reminded of good manners when it becomes necessary, i will even (for DD1's sake) say to DD2 (who is 3 months old!) "oh honey, please don't yell when DD is telling me her story" (as i lift her to nurse for a bit). My mum once told me to treat a new baby like a foreign adult - be VERY respectful, they are real, thinking, feeling people, be VERY patient, they are in a totally alien culture and are yet to learn the language, the norms and the niceties, be VERY helpful, they are relying on you to help them navigate the world they find themself in.

So i think it's ok to ask an 18month old baby to behave in a more well-mannered way, i just think it's unfair and unkind to display the irritation one might have towards an adult being so rude to a little child.
post #26 of 51
yeah, saying "interrupting is rude" is more blunt than "it's not polite to interrupt" or "we wait until people are talking," but they all address the same behavior and do not label the person/child being spoken to.

i was raised in a culture where it is acceptable and expected to "parent" other people's children. thankfully, my closest mom friends know this about me and also do the same. i have no problem asking my friend's 19-month old daughter (and did many times this morning) to use gentle hands and that it makes other people sad when we are rough with them. and when my 20-month old daughter steps out of line, i appreciate my friend calling out my daughter. i'm all about the "takes a village" model.
post #27 of 51
i tend to just ignore it because it usually comes from two of my three siblings. the two without kids
post #28 of 51
I agree with the people who say that there's nothing wrong with telling a child that certain behaviors are rude.

But if it really bothers you, I'd just say "thanks, I got it. She's so young, she gets confused when she gets a bunch of directions from different people all at once."
post #29 of 51
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by Tigerchild View Post
Why is it silly to not want to be interrupted or to have your personal space invaded? I think if your goal is to have your children respected and treated with dignity, you shouldn't belittle adult feelings either.

Granted, I hate that phrase "Don't be silly", though. I've never seen it used in a way that wasn't a blowoff.
I think you may have missed the part where I had already dealt with the interruption. It's not silly to not want to be interrupted. My issue is that I've been respectful to the adult by having the 18-month old wait, but I don't believe I'm being respectful to the child by having them be reprimanded simply because they don't yet know social expectations. As I said before, it's not a simple teaching of 'interrupting is rude', but a putting down type of tone. It's hard to explain, but I do have friends who have a more educational approach with my children, and it doesn't bother me a bit. What I'm talking about here is different. And generally it is done after I've already done something, as a sort of back up after the situation has been resolved.

Quote:
Originally Posted by GoBecGo View Post
I actually try to hold even babies to the same standards as adults, but without the associated expectation. Like i do think everyone should be reminded of good manners when it becomes necessary, i will even (for DD1's sake) say to DD2 (who is 3 months old!) "oh honey, please don't yell when DD is telling me her story" (as i lift her to nurse for a bit). My mum once told me to treat a new baby like a foreign adult - be VERY respectful, they are real, thinking, feeling people, be VERY patient, they are in a totally alien culture and are yet to learn the language, the norms and the niceties, be VERY helpful, they are relying on you to help them navigate the world they find themself in.

So i think it's ok to ask an 18month old baby to behave in a more well-mannered way, i just think it's unfair and unkind to display the irritation one might have towards an adult being so rude to a little child.
I LOVE what your mother said about how to treat. Beautiful. She must be a very wise woman.


Quote:
Originally Posted by lach View Post
I agree with the people who say that there's nothing wrong with telling a child that certain behaviors are rude.

But if it really bothers you, I'd just say "thanks, I got it. She's so young, she gets confused when she gets a bunch of directions from different people all at once."
I like this response. Very respectful all around.
post #30 of 51
When someone speaks to my child in a way I feel is not appropriate or helpful, I make a big over-the-top deal of "translating" for my child what they are saying into a way of saying it that is much more positive. ie, "he would like for you to please wait until he is finished talking, then it is your turn to talk, so everyone gets their turn. Thanks !" Then I smile sweetly at the adult. If the adult finds this rude, oh well. My kid. I'll translate poorly worded things for them if I want to.

Regarding the guy at the grocery store, I wouldn't hesitate to correct him on the spot. IMO that's not rude; it's verbally defending your kid against completely unsolicited, unwarranted, rude, critical interference from an uninvolved stranger who should have minded his own beeswax. "No, she's doing just fine. I like to bag them myself."
post #31 of 51
Quote:
Originally Posted by lilyka View Post
I think perhaps the people are just being more direct than you are used to. Interrupting is rude. It is not accusation that your dd lacks manners. She is simply explaining why one should not interrupt. Because it is rude. (although I think this is over the head of an 18 month old.) I did not see in either example anyone berating or demeaning your child. They were simply giving them a reason why one should not interrupt or invade personal space. because those things are considered rude.


I just want to say that until recently I was one of the few people in my friend group that didnt have children, and I never would have said that to a kid.

The big issue with telling a child that they are rude, is the fact that I feel like they need to understand why something is considered rude. And, in the case of interrupting, it seems important that they learn not to do it not only because it is rude, but because if they interrupt during a conversation they are engaged in, they may well miss something or not hear the point. I feel like it is ridiculous to tell a 18 month old that they are being "rude".

Also, the point that the adult isnt calling the child rude, they are calling the action rude is symantics. My husband and I have argued this point with his phrase, "Stop being such a bitch", where he maintains that he's not calling me a bitch, its just that what Im doing is bitchy.
post #32 of 51
You know, I think we nmeed to remember that the person said what they said *after* the OP addressed her kid. So it's not like the person turned to the kid and said, "You're rude." with nothing else said to the kid. The mom asked the child to wait, and the person "backed her up". Not something I'd do, or really want another person to necessarily do after i had addressed my kid, but I wouldn't paint this person too badly either, like they're snarling at babies or something. I do agree the OP should talk to her friends about the boundaries she is comfortable with with her children, but we all shoudl also keep in mind that kids can be exposed to all different kinds of interactions and learn to deal with them; it's the majority interactions at home that are going to shape them. So I don't think I'd sweat seeing a friend occasionally who was more terse or authoritarian than I am, so long as they weren't being *mean* or really harming my kid. KWIM?
post #33 of 51
Wild Lupine, I was speaking about the suggested response to someone saying "That's rude" being "Don't be silly." I find the "Don't be silly" response to be dismissive and rude in and of itself.
post #34 of 51
Quote:
Originally Posted by The4OfUs View Post
You know, I think we nmeed to remember that the person said what they said *after* the OP addressed her kid. So it's not like the person turned to the kid and said, "You're rude." with nothing else said to the kid. The mom asked the child to wait, and the person "backed her up". Not something I'd do, or really want another person to necessarily do after i had addressed my kid, but I wouldn't paint this person too badly either, like they're snarling at babies or something.
That's actually the part that would bug me, though. If I'm handling a situation, there's no need for anyone in my "village" to come in and start handling it too -- I think of the village as being there to help out when I can't, not to help me gang up on my kid. DS does that with DD sometimes -- I'll tell her not to do something and he'll chime in with, "Yeah, you shouldn't do that," and I always tell him to let me handle it alone, and that DD doesn't need a bunch of people talking to her at once. That's the same way I'd feel if a friend did that.
post #35 of 51
See, I don't consider saying "that action is rude" the same as saying "thats is so bitchy". But clearly some people feel the word "rude" is too harsh. or somehow a reprimand. I consider it a very neutral explanation. Perhaps the OP should just explain to her friends that she thinks rude is a harsh word to attach top a child's behavior. And maybe she could also tell them she doesn't need any help correcting or teaching her children and would prefer to do it herself.
post #36 of 51
Quote:
Originally Posted by The4OfUs View Post
You can say just about anything to someone tactfully and not offend them.....but often people don't use tact with kids because they don't think they "deserve" it or something.
I am less tactful with young children because I don't consider tact to always be age appropriate. I am never harsh or rude, but imho being direct to young children is both more effective and kinder to the child, since they understand better what you want from them.
post #37 of 51
Quote:
Originally Posted by Kelmendi View Post
I am less tactful with young children because I don't consider tact to always be age appropriate. I am never harsh or rude, but imho being direct to young children is both more effective and kinder to the child, since they understand better what you want from them.
Oh, ITA. I was talking more about people being harsher to kids than they might to others, softening the blow so to speak. Not being indirect or beating around the bush. Often it is jsut a matter of tone and wording to convey a message more gently.
post #38 of 51
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by Tigerchild View Post
Wild Lupine, I was speaking about the suggested response to someone saying "That's rude" being "Don't be silly." I find the "Don't be silly" response to be dismissive and rude in and of itself.
Ok, I totally see what you mean.
post #39 of 51
I'd be happy my friends were helping to teach my kids manners. That's what community is all about.
post #40 of 51

Deleted!  It wasn't pertinent...


Edited by wendiecarroll1 - 5/20/11 at 1:16pm
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