Originally Posted by Wild Lupine
Originally Posted by happysmileylady
I would just like to point out that saying "interrupting is rude" is entirely different than calling the child rude. "Interrupting is rude" is calling the ACTION rude, not the child...and in another 18 months or 2 years or so, it's likely exactly what you will be saying to your child.
It may be a stylistic difference, but I find it more helpful with my children to point out how their actions affect other people than to ascribe a motivation to them. It's just what works with me and my kids so I don't think I'll be telling them they're behavior is rude any time soon. I may very likely tell them that behavior x causes pain, damages the furniture, or hurts peoples feelings, but because I'm not in their heads I try to avoid ascribing motivation.
Well, there's one potential difference in viewpoint right there. I don't think calling a certain behaviour "rude" is acribing motivation. It's rude to interrupt, and I want my kids to know that. If I point out that it's rude, I'm not saying "you're trying to be rude". I'm saying "what you're doing is rude (ie. impolite)". I don't see that as being any different than if I said, "interrupting hurts the feelings of the person talking".
This could be one difference in perspective that causes the problems. In any case, I do tell my kids that their behaviour is rude, if they're being rude. I wouldn't say it to dd2, because she'd have no clue what I was talking about, anyway - but I say it to the other kids, and it has nothing to do with their motivations. I've known several rude people (and even people who aren't generally rude usually slip up, at least occasionally), and I don't think any of them get out of bed in the morning, and think "I'm going to spend my day being rude to people", yk?
ETA: I just realized this is an old thread. I will say that the "don't be bitchy" example is more of the same. I don't think dh would ever say I was being bitchy, as he just doesn't talk that way - but I have had people tell me I was being bitchy in the past. I've also had people call me a bitch. They were meant differently, and they felt different. I don't think the issue of whether one is labelling the person or the behaviour is one of semantics. It really does make a big difference.