7 yr old ALWAYS putting down her 5 yr old sister...I lost it!!

[Cascadian]

I admit it! I lost it! I just yelled at my almost-7 yr old for AGAIN putting down her sister. It seems to have become a reflex for her.

I was telling the 5 yr old how beautiful her hair was when I was combing it (I do it to both girls), and the 7 yr old softly said "I think it's ugly. I wouldn't want your hair." I gave her a look and she stopped.

Then just now, first day of school clothes, I hear a commotion in the room. 7 yr old has just told her sister that her clothes look like boys' clothes (right...a skirt and tights...) because she knows it upsets her.

So I yelled at her. I got in her face and told her that little siblings think their older ones are heroes, and that she's destroying her personality by always making her feel bad (the two examples are typical, and they happen all the live long day). I don't know where this passive aggressive, or outright aggressive behaviour is coming from. I'm worried about her little sister internalizing this stuff, from someone she obviously adores.

I don't know what to do anymore. We don't spank, but I told DH in the next room that if we DID spank, she'd get a spanking for that (and I wanted her to hear that).

They do play together nicely, and DD7 is one of the nicer kids at school who was a victim of bullying herself so she *knows* this stuff. Grrrrr

Backstory: I was terribly mean to my younger sister, and as adults, she told me how much it affected and hurt her self esteem, crying as she told me. I feel awful I do NOT want this pattern to happen again. Dh and I are very communicative/non-voice raising people, so there's no role modelling from us.

What do I do? How do I stop this other than continually making her feel guilty about it or taking away privileges all the time?

Right now I am giving her the silent treatment as the alternative is more yelling, I'm so furious/hurt.

[zeldamomma]

In our house if someone can't speak nicely to the people around them, they need to go be alone until they are able to be civil. However, since you mentioned that your older dd has been bullied, I wonder if she's still processing that (or still being bullied?) and so she's trying to build herself up by knocking her sister down?

So, I would try to both address the issue of being mean, and make sure she feels okay about herself.

[starbuckmom]

My kids aren't yet to the age where they talk bad about their siblings but my brother and wife have 2 boys who are old enough and my sil stopped it by having the one who spoke mean about his brother (or anyone else) was to say 3 or 4 nice things about that person. It worked! It calmed the boys down, and when they were done saying the nice things about their brother, the boys were back to playing nicely together.

[LightToast]

It sounds like there are perhaps jealous feelings occurring in your older daughter? I have had that happen in our home and I just put it as we don't allow negative talk about any family member. We are here to support each other and NOT bring one another down.

Do you think your older daughter needs to hear that her hair is really beautiful too? She might she feel she is not measuring up in some way. Perhaps, because she was bullied her self-confidence is a bit bruised.

[geekgolightly]

Just adding to previous suggestions which I think are great!

I was also mean to my younger sister. It might help to give an admission to your DD7 that you used to do that to your younger sister and how much you regret it. I agree that she may be jealous. My younger sister was always favored and I took it out on her.

And I think lots of positive reinforcement of behavior you want to see is so important for people who might be stuck in a negative head space. When my son goes to bed at night I always cuddle with him and tell him good things about the day and how he may have done some things that made me proud, and ask him how he feels about the day and things he did in order for him to express how proud he is of himself, or, conversely, to discuss things that he doesn't feel so good about.

[maryeliz]

Your daughter could also be working through the bullying she experienced in a safe environment. She can say the mean things that were said to her to her little sister without worrying about being bullied even more. Maybe it would help her to act out how she feels when people are mean to her and how she can respond. It seems like martial arts or other activities that stress self confidence and self control really help some kids.

[greenemami]

I have noticed that when dsd (9) plays a lot with a certain friend who is bossy/controlling/etc., she really acts that way with dd (3), I think as a means of finding some control-is it possible your older dd is bullying her sister as a way of finding control in her life and not being the "victim" if she is being bullied at school? Dsd is definitely one of the "Nicer" more passive kids at school, but can be very bossy/controlling and sometimes even mean to dd. We do a lot of "how would you feel if.." and/or "how does it feel when somebod does xyz to YOU". Although I don't blame you for losing it, it makes me incredibly upset to hear siblings treating each other meanly too. Good luck!