Is it ok to let your child cry if you are there with them?

[femalephish]

My daughter hates going to sleep. She always has and I feel like NOTHING works. Or at least, nothing works consistantly.
Now that she's climbing/walking (she's 14moths) as soon as we go upstairs to bed and lay down she gets up, climbs on me, jumps on the bed, throws herself backwards and generally just plays around. I cannot get her to lay down to nurse/snuggle to sleep until she is absolutely EXHUASTED! And she starts loosing coordination, fussing and bumping herself into things. Sometimes my DH puts his arm over her in bed to keep her from jumping around. He is, gently, holding her down. And she cries. It's awful. But it's only 10 minutes or so then she's asleep. I don't know if I can do that though. What do you think? I mean, it seems like it is almost the same as getting her to sleep in the carseat, which I do. She's restricted from moving and cries and fusses untill she goes to sleep.

I just hate feeling like we are MAKING her cry! I've tried everything and for 14-months it's not better. I just need Help.

[NiteNicole]

What else can you really do? She's crying because she WANTS to be up but she NEEDS to sleep. You're not leaving her alone or hurting her, if she is frustrated and cries...well, that's how it goes. Sometimes things are frustrating and we cry.

When my daughter was small, I would rock her to sleep. She went through a phase where I really had to HOLD her because she just wanted to wiggle, roll, pat my face, fight, stretch, and do everything IN THE WORLD to keep herself awake. So I held her and rocked, she didn't like it and cried, and in a few minutes she would be asleep. If I had let her do what she wanted to do she would have been up for HOURS. That's not good for her and I don't believe I have to indulge her every want. It didn't take long for this phase to pass but if I had just let her do her thing, it would have dragged on forever. she had enough sleep problems, I didn't need to create new ones.

The only thing I can suggest is going to bed before she reaches the "overtired and wound up" stage but sometimes that doesn't really help much.

[voca]

Most nights I need to hold my 13 month old still in bed for her to fall asleep. Her father does the same for naps during the day, though in his case she sleeps on him. She grumbles and cries, but she is not being left alone to cry. IMO the problem with CIO isn't the crying, it's that they are alone.

In short, what your husband is doing is just fine.

[gcgirl]

You need to read Aletha Solter: http://www.amazon.com/Tears-Tantrums...3919839&sr=8-3

It will help you understand why she needs help crying down to sleep. DS1 is the same way. He can't turn himself off easily but REALLY needs his sleep. That bumping into walls thing...yep, that's him.

It's getting better now that he's older (almost 3), but we've had a rough 28 months or so.

[gcgirl]

Originally Posted by NiteNicole

The only thing I can suggest is going to bed before she reaches the "overtired and wound up" stage but sometimes that doesn't really help much.

Indeed. I tried SO HARD to get him to bed before he got overtired, but no matter what I did he just kept going until he crashed, or until we held him and let him cry. Sad, sad, sad. But when he got enough sleep, boy, what a difference!

[dalia]

I was having the same problem with ds, and well, I just "gave up" trying to get him to go to sleep when he was fighting it. We have a little crib next to our bed and when he squirms and fights I just put him in there to play for a little while longer. Eventually, he is ready to lie down and allow himself to fall asleep. For me this was less stressful but I think your situation may be different. I am kind of a control freak and it was literally driving me nuts that I couldn't "make" him go to sleep. It was really turning into a battle. I didn't like that it was making me so annoyed that I couldn't control him. In your case it sounds like you are just trying to do what is best for your child.

I guess what I am trying to say is that if it feels right to you then you should do it. Also, what is the end result? A happier baby? If this is the case and you feel that you are doing the right thing then I say go for it. Good luck!

[AirMiami]

I did the same thing with my daughter, who refuses to nurse to sleep, starting at around 12 months. She is exactly the same way, and she started breaking out of her swaddle around then. I have to say that now at 19 months old, she falls asleep really really well! We have a bed time routine, she usually falls asleep now within 15 minutes without any tricks or hoop jumping or anything.

[blimbrick]

My guy started similar behavior around 9 months, he had ALWAYS been good about nursing and going right to sleep and I thought I had it made (because he's a horrible sleeper at night I at least had some relief in the falling asleep) and occassionally it's quite a struggle to get him to sleep, especially when he is overtired. Last night it took me an hour, the night before and hour and a half, but he also has an ear infection and I think that is part of it. He will lay down and nurse, then back up again and blowing raspberries on me, back down to nurse, very restless with his arms and pulling on his feet and playing with my face. Some nights it is very annoying and frustrating that I can't get him to sleep. Most nights if I read to him for 20 mins or so it will calm him down enough to get him interested in sleep, but last night it didn't help. Some nights I will even take him back downstairs to play for another half an hour, then he will pick up his blankie and start fussing if he's ready for bed.
Ahh the joys of sleep, I wish someone would have told me ahead of time how difficult the whole sleep thing would be.
Usually if I just lay there while he's jumping around, after a few minutes he'll lay back down because I think he gets the idea that it is time for sleeping. Guess I am thankful for that and that he doesn't do it for hours until he crashes! I hope it gets better for you soon, but I defeinitely don't think you are causing any long term harm, and is your babe happy upon waking in the morning? If so I wouldn't worry.
I have heard seen on some message boards, and I think on Dr. Sears website, that they let their toddler determine their own bedtime and it seemed to workout a lot better and be a lot less of a struggle, I just don't know if the baby was actually getting enough sleep.

[BlackSheepPDX]

It's ok for kids to cry. They let out frustrations and emotions that way. It's the unsupported/abandoned crying it out alone that is excessively stressful on them.

[To-Fu]

Originally Posted by NiteNicole

What else can you really do? She's crying because she WANTS to be up but she NEEDS to sleep. You're not leaving her alone or hurting her, if she is frustrated and cries...well, that's how it goes. Sometimes things are frustrating and we cry.

When my daughter was small, I would rock her to sleep. She went through a phase where I really had to HOLD her because she just wanted to wiggle, roll, pat my face, fight, stretch, and do everything IN THE WORLD to keep herself awake. So I held her and rocked, she didn't like it and cried, and in a few minutes she would be asleep. If I had let her do what she wanted to do she would have been up for HOURS. That's not good for her and I don't believe I have to indulge her every want. It didn't take long for this phase to pass but if I had just let her do her thing, it would have dragged on forever. she had enough sleep problems, I didn't need to create new ones.

The only thing I can suggest is going to bed before she reaches the "overtired and wound up" stage but sometimes that doesn't really help much.

I did this with my son, too. I would nurse him then rock him in the chair in what was basically a bear hug (his arms pinned under my arms, his legs straddling my lap). Otherwise he would move violently and stay awake for hours. It was almost like blanket-less swaddling for a newly mobile toddler!

It's okay, OP, it really is. Stay close and let your baby know you are all full of love and whatnot. It's not the same as CIO.

[Lilygoose]

My DD did the same thing. She would just get herself so wound up that she could not settle to sleep. I do try to honor her need to unwind, but it turned into her getting more hyper and excited. I would snuggle her up close to me and carefully (I was always afraid I'd use too much pressure and she'd suffocate or something) restrain her with a "hug." As much as she did not like this and would cry it was the only way she would settle to sleep (and she was tired). Because she was a month or two older than your child and very verbal I would also give her a choice about settling down herself or being held in this way by mommy. Sometimes she could settle herself down and chose to but many times she needed me to help her. One thing I realized is that this was worse if she went to bed later. I eventually made the connection that this was related to her being overtired and I moved her bedtime up by half an hour, and while for several months it still took a long time for her to finally fall asleep it did mostly eliminate the hyper jumping around (instead she would chit chat, sing songs, etc). I no longer had to hold her down, just let her unwind. Her schedule was very similar to your child's so perhaps pushing bedtime up just a bit might help.

[Cartesia]

My LO stopped falling asleep nursing (around 11 months) and had a similar sleep-fighting pattern. Here is what worked for us - tell a really good story while patting his butt or back like a heartbeat. When he pops up or rolls around, scoop him up and sit with him on a yoga ball, straddling my lap and bounce. After 5-10 minutes, put him back in the bed and continue story/song and patting. Rinse, repeat. Once he starts to settle, make story softer and more lulling and end with just patting. We found that the patting needed to continue at least 10 minutes AFTER we thought he was asleep.

It took about a month and it was total hell but he didn't cry much and it has gotten easier and easier. Now at 21 months we turn out the lights, he lays down, snuggles a bit, we do a story and song and then he talks himself to sleep within 20-30 minutes. Sometimes he asks to "go on ball one time" and we do but just for 30 seconds or so. It seems to reset his clock.

This might have worked for us just because he is SO VERBAL and loved the stories. I found that if the story wasn't interesting to him he would stand up and jump around but if he liked the story I could tell him to lay down and he understood that jumping around=no story.

Anyhow, good luck. If you don't know about Sleepless in America you might want to check that out as well -great book.

[sewchris2642]

Some children just need to cry themselves to sleep. I think that it's their way of letting off that last bit of energy before they can fall asleep. Erica was that way. If I tried to help her fall asleep, I only made it worse and it would take hours instead of minutes. All she wanted was to be left alone to cry/fuss herself alseep. So we stopped co-sleeping with her, put her to bed in her room, and allowed her to cry herself to sleep which is what she wanted. So AP for her was to leave her alone. By the time she was a toddler, the crying turned into talking herself to sleep. And when she was a preschooler, she was coming out of the room to tell us that Joy was being mean to her. By which she meant that Joy was falling asleep as soon as her head it the pillow and wasn't awake to talk to Erica.

Other things you could try is to make sure that your dd gets enough fresh air and exercise during the day. And have the evening be very low key and consistant. How long does she sleep at naptime? When is her bedtime? When does she wake up? The average 18 mo needs about 13 hours of sleep in a 24 hour period, divided up between 1 nap and night. Being overtired can make it harder for a toddler to fall asleep.