Steps and ex's and oh.... *sigh* - Page 2

[Sharlla]

I think DP really needs to step back and let you coparent with ex. Unless he's abusive it's really not in the best interest of the kids to be removed from him ie moving out of state. My X isn't a great father, he has some issues but he loves his kids and I can't imagine not allowing him to see them.

we have custody set up 2 weeks on and 2 weeks off so he gets equal time with the kids but my dealings with him are very limited and we only communicate through text and only if it's something important. I wanted to be friends with him but his GF doesn't want him having any kind of involvement and he's been manipulated by her so our relationship is what it is.

I think going to court and getting a official custody schedule is a good idea and unless he's getting the kids 50/50 he should be giving the kids child support. i also agree with a PP that stated that your DP should not be bad mouthing your x in front of the kids.

[DannysMomma]

We do 45-55 % shared custody, which is another reason why I haven't pursued CS. It just doesn't seem worth it for a 10% difference in amount of time. I could be wrong. I'm also NOT happy with the current schedule, which has the kids switching households on Wednesdays and Saturdays, and therefore splits up their week. I'd be happier with one week on, one week off - but ex won't do that b/c he can't find childcare for the 3 nights a week he works (though both his gf and I have offered to help with that) and he claims he can't change his schedule without 2 months of advance notice (which I also know to be untrue). Basically, he's said that the current schedule is very stressful for the little ones, but because it's convenient for him, he won't have it any other way. I've been trying to negotiate this with him for over a year now. A big part of DP's frustration is centered in that, too. And even though we're doing this thru the courts and mediation it's still not getting any easier it seems.

And DP does not, nor will she ever, bad-mouth ex in front of the kids.

[vannienicole]

tiem doesn't always equal child support. My ex and I have a 50-50 split, but since he make 4 times as much as I do, he pays $350 in CS a month. That's money I get to use on the kids

[Smithie]

Hard as it is, I think this is one of those cases where mediation/court is better than the adults attempting to hash it out informally. Tell the truth. Explain that you've not gotten any support. Explain that your ex has not been able/willing to secure childcare that would enable him to have the children in his house for a full week. Ask for a custody arrangement that would allow you to move if moving would enable you to be more financially secure, and see if you get it, and ask for a formal support order that enables you and your ex to share the burden of all that stuff I know your household is already covering - clothes, doctor copays, lessons, most toys, etc etc.

Whatever happens on that end, you need to detach. The central problem here is that you are still emotionally involved. If your ex can't yank YOUR chain, then he won't be able to yank your DP's. Accept what the court lays out, follow it to the letter and present the face of absolute neutrality to your ex until he realizes that you are no longer a viable target and moves on to another mode of interaction.

[aricha]

If the custody schedule is what it is, you might try posting a separate thread asking for suggestions about making the frequent transitions easier for everyone. We had a similar schedule but with even more switching back and forth, and mom wouldn't consider any modification to it. So we worked hard to make it as easy as possible for my step-daughter... I think we came up with some pretty good rituals and routines that helped.

I used to really work hard to make life stress-free and worry-free for my kids. While I still do my best to keep them from being burdened by adult concerns, I have come to a different philosophy about parenting and childhood in divorced/blended families. The reality of divorce is that you are always going to be working with a less-than-ideal situation. I see our job not as making life perfect for our kids, but helping our kids to learn the skills they need to succeed in the less-than-perfect world in which we live. We are raising children who can advocate for themselves, adapt to change, and face challenges with confidence and grace. We are raising children who can adapt to different situations and appreciate the differences between a variety of people and families. We are raising children who have a wide variety of relationships, beliefs, and parenting styles modeled for them as they grow up and decide what kinds of people, partners, and parents they want to be.