Am I shallow? Weight related.

[cristina47454]

Going to just jump into this one without justifiying how I am reacting. DH and I have been married for 11 years. He's never been big into exercise, although when I first met him he used to go for 10 mi runs which I thought was one of the coolest things I'd ever heard.

He's a big guy...6 foot. Big bones. When we were dating/newly married he probably weighed about 210 (we were running together a lot back then). Over the past 11 years, life has happened. There have been three kids, lots of job/career stress, lots of financial stress, family stress...you know, life. DH was struggling with depression, but not admitting it. We've had some dark times. And he put on 50 pounds over the years.

The clouds started to lift last year. He lost ALL that weight, plus some. He was exercising and looking FANTASTIC. Muscles like he's NEVER had. Feeling good about himself...wow, it positively impacted every aspect of his life.

But then, about a month ago, he stopped. He had a goal of breaking 200 by his bday, which he did, (in June), but now it's slowly creeping back on. He's put on about 15 pounds, he's losing his muscle tone, he's falling back into his old eating habits. I'm so afraid all the other stuff that goes along with it will come back too

I realize that he has to be the one who WANTS to be healthy, but I can't go back to that. Among other reasons (and all the underlying issues that play into this obviously), but I am so not attracted to him when he is that heavy (and grumpy, and lethargic, and and and).

We were at my parents this weekend and I felt myself starting to "watchdog" him...which makes me angry at myself AND at him. So I know I have to let it go, but I really feel that if it goes unmonitored/unchecked he'll wake up one morning back at 260 and ask me why I didn't say something. I suck

[treeoflife3]

It doesn't sound like your problem is actually his weight though honestly. I'd be really concerned to if my husband were losing his physical appeal because of unhappiness and stress and so forth. The symptom sucks and I think we all prefer beauty and we all have our own standards for what beauty is, but you aren't wrong to be concerned about his healthy... physically AND mentally/emotionally.

Along with his weight comes all the other things that probably color how his weight looks to you. His weight isn't just weight someone has when they are happy and not worried about such things, his weight is something he has when he is not HIS normal. At his best, he loves exercise and being healthy. At his worst, he doesn't exercise or be healthy... and that causes the grumpiness and lethargy and everything.

I'd probably talk to him about it. I'd make it less about your attraction though and more about HIS health. Talk about how you've noticed him going back to bad habits and that you are concerned that maybe he needs some help and support again. Don't tell him you don't like him fat and eating a lot... tell him you love him and want him to be happy and the best person he can be. Depression sucks and regression can definitely occur especially in a stressful life with other underlying issues. Its not something you cure and forget about... its something that pretty much always has to be monitored and kept it check. It is okay to care about his mental and emotional health and bringing it up to him should be okay too.

Don't be so hard on yourself for the weight attraction issue. It honestly sounds like its so unattractive to you because of how he changes when he does have that weight. That isn't being shallow... that is caring about him as a complete person.

[FutureMom3410]

I would be more concerned about what's causing him to have these ebbs and flows of "personal wellness"...the depression you mention. As a sufferer of depression, I know how much it affects all parts of life including ambition, feelings of self-worth/esteem, etc etc...Perhaps you could approach him gently and inquire about the recent shift to the "bad ways"...try to get to the root of, what sounds like, another depressive episode...once he gets mentally back on track, if he has the drive, desire, and ambition - which it seems he does based on his previous amazing transformation - I bet his attention will shift back to being the "healthy DH"...