Where did my libido go?

[Engineering_Mama]

I could really use some help here mamas. DD will be 2 this week and I still have no desire to DTD. When we DTD its not the same. I've had one great orgasm in the last two years. It used to be every time. DH has been incredibly patient, but he is not a happy camper. And I'm not either. I want to want to. I want it to be the way it was. I'm still BF-ing DD, 3-5 times a day. AF came back 6 months ago. I thought that would help but it didn't. DH helps out a lot. I've been sleeping pretty well, getting enough sleep for the last 6 months. The only thing I can think of that's different is I got a Mirena 13 weeks pp. I've been on hormonal BC for years though and never had this problem. Any ideas ladies? Any BTDT? Did it get better? Anything I can try?

[mimim]

I never had any desire for sex while I was nursing, even when it was only once or twice a day. I used to have to muster up the desire almost every time. I felt the same way as you; I wanted to want to; I just didn't want to no matter what I did. As soon as my kids weaned, my libido came back with a vengeance.

However, birth control pills had a similar effect on me.

[dovey]

Same thing here. Nursing totally knocked out my libido. I weaned my 3 year old when I became pregnant this winter. Then, wow! All of a sudden, my libido came back. Now the baby will be born in a few weeks. I'm excited, but honestly, I'm not so happy to be breastfeeding again for 2-3 more years. I wish there was some way around it (the libido thing, I mean). Anyone have any experience getting over this problem?

(I also had the same problem when on hormonal birth control.)

[Banana731]

so yes, nursing can make some of feel, or rather, not feel in the mood. But with your dd's age, I'd look a little harder at the BC.

I spent years trying different bc's looking for the one that had tolerable side effects. some made me moody, some made me mad, some made gain weight, some made me lose my libido. I tried many, giving them the requisite 3 months to get my body used to it. I hate them, never really did find one that I liked and that's why I stopped. But I say, try something different and see if it helps!

[Twinklefae]

Nursing was huge in suppressing my desire. It was amazing how good everything felt once I weaned.

[goldenwillow]

So glad to hear there is a light at the end of this tunnel! I wanted to post a similar question yesterday. Thank you for doing so, in the same boat here.

[Engineering_Mama]

Thanks everyone! Its reassuring to know that this won't last forever. I'm really not sure if its the nursing, the birth control, or both. I've never had this problem (or really any problems) with hormonal birth control before, but I've never used Mirena before either. So I'm just not sure. I'm going to have a talk with DH and see if he wants to try another form of birth control. We've been talking about TTC anyway, although we weren't planning to start trying for another 3-9 months.

[Sudonk]

Nursing killed my libido, too. Once baby weaned, and wasn't pregant I felt like my body was all mine again and was much more ready to share it with DH. If I'm not pg or nursing and my libido goes missing, I can probably find it under a pile of laundry. Once that's taken care of, it snaps right back into place! It's a great incentive for DH to do some housework!

[NewMaMaZenLovin]

Im 22w and we we have sex like twice every 2 weeks. MAYBE.... DF is being really understanding (except for a time or two when it was really hard to deal with(no pun intended)) Everything about him right now just makes me want to say no. the way he breathes, the way he walks, the way he talks,OMG.... and guess what? He treats me like a princess..... boy does that make me feel rotten...... So now with the knowledge the BF will do nothing to allieveate our problems...... SIGH.... Im so much happier making myself "happy" in under 5 minutes bymyself with no fuss no muss.....

[MammaB21]

I don't really have this problem while nursing, however I think there are things that I actively do to make sure of it. First of all, I'm a firm believer that when you're not DTD you won't want to DTD. For me, anyway, it seems like sometimes I could go for a long long time and be just fine without it. But I'm always happy when we end up doing it anyway and it usually switches my attitude about it. The more often we DTD the more often I want to if that makes sense. So the key is to just do it!!! I think the saying 'fake it till you make it' is quite real in this situation. But easier said than done right? Especially with a little one at home and 0 desire. So, here are some tips that I'm sure you've thought of/tried but I'll share them anyway for conversation sake. (I realize this is all worded directly, but I'm speaking as a general you/we/etc. These have been my experiences with this struggle.)

Make sure you have some physical time ALONE every day!!! I find that when I'm nursing I tend to start to feel really invaded. My personal space is constantly being sacrificed to the crying/screaming child who needs me for nourishment. By the time DP gets home and wants a hug I'm all, "Nobody TOUCH me for at least 30 minutes!!!" So, to fix that I think a nice long bath or a walk by myself or even just having DP take the kids into another room while I cook dinner really helps.

Second, make time for you and your DH alone. Are you cosleeping with DD? If you are, when is her bedtime in relation to yours? Do you get any time alone with DH? (Not necessarily physical time but just time with only adult conversation?) Typically women need to feel that connection before they feel the desire to DTD. So if you're not feeling emotionally connected, that's the first step.

Thirdly, (and this is probably TMI, sorry) but think back to the things that used to put you in the mood. Talk about those things with DH and try to remember who you are independently of being 'mom'. I think sometimes we're so consumed with doing right by our kids that we take on the role of mom and kind of lose our identity in the process. I know you didn't mention any of that, but I know it's true for myself and that can really effect the way I see the world and see myself. If I'm not thinking of myself as being attractive or desireable, I'm also not allowing myself to feel desire for DP. So buy some new sexy underwear and remind yourself that you're more than just 'mom'.

And lastly (and this may not be a very popular thought) even if you're NOT in the mood, do it anyway. I think it's perfectly healthy to have dry spells, but I also believe that making an effort can really help. Of course, don't force yourself to do something that will make you truly unhappy, but in reality, even if you aren't having mind blowing orgasms it's probably not going to be unpleasant. Make a goal about how often you will DTD (it can be small at first, like once a month, whatever you're comfy with) and stick to it. Then make sure that you and DH have the alone time to make it happen. Use lots of lube, since nursing can be really drying, and go for it.

The point of all of this, is that I don't think you have to 'except' that your libido is gone/low. I'm hearing everyone giving you sympathy, but I haven't heard anyone say that it doesn't have to be wean or deal. I breastfed DD for 3 years and am now breastfeeding an infant and I would hate to think that all that time would be spent without the physical and emotional connection to DP that I want and need. It seems clear that you want that part of yourself/your life back and I think it's totally possible even without weaning. Good luck!!!

[kcparker]

Nursing and decreased estrogen levels that go along with it also cause changes in your vaginal walls and surrounding tissue. TMI here, but I personally think that it changes how sex feels, and it's not as enjoyable when your vag. tissue is paper thin and tears easily. I fear this is a taste of what menopause might bring... if you think this might be an issue, you can either take supplements or get estrogen cream from your gyn.

[kltroy]

Ditto what lots of others have said. Sex never feels as good when you're nursing. Maybe once you get down to 1x/day, but not at your current level. Your estrogen is suppressed with prolactin, and estrogen is what causes all of the natural lubrication and elasticity in the vagina.

I personally always found that hormonal BC diminished my libido too. I was on the pill for many years and when I got off, WOW did I feel excellent! I currently have a paragard IUD (copper, non-hormonal) and life is good. Periods are a bit heavier, but they also don't last as long, so it's all fine. Everyone reacts differently to this though, and Mirena is a very low localized dose, so it's not supposed to be as much effect, but who knows?